Lost

@mytwistedsoul

No - I know it's not ok. This is a major set back for you. Everything you were trying to do, all the efforts at changing things. Yes - what ever has happened is done all ready. But it doesn't mean that's the end.

Thank you for reminding. No one not even my brother has reminded me of that.

Man I don't want to say the wrong things. I guess - just know I'm here for you. For what ever. A friend - a supporter. A well wisher. Thinking, wishing, hoping - that things get better. To let you know that you're not entirely alone.

Nevermind even you said the wrong things. I misinterpret messages all the time. Thanks for still being around.

Be gentle with yourself Mike. Just - let's try to take this one day at a time.

I can't. Its kind of painful.

@mikenai22 I don't want you to think I'm unsympathetic when I say that though. But it's not the end. It just feels that way. God - I feel like everything I want to say is going to come out all wrong. If it does - I'm truly sorry.

Maybe though this could kind of be a good thing. The opportunity to focus just on yourself and getting well. Without having to worry about work. Although it's scary and you feel like you're at loose ends.

I hope you're doing ok - even with all that's going on. But if you're not - that's ok too. It's ok to not be ok. I know it's hard to not dwell on all the wrongs right now. But things can get better. It may take time , but maybe you can think of this as a new beginning. A new start.

Try to be gentle with yourself. Take this one day at a time.

@mytwistedsoul

I don't want you to think I'm unsympathetic when I say that though. But it's not the end. It just feels that way. God - I feel like everything I want to say is going to come out all wrong. If it does - I'm truly sorry.

Nope, never. I never thought of you that way. I apologise if I left a wrong impression to you.

Sorry, I cant help it, but just feel that way. - Although I know its not the end. But i kept feeling trapped and stucked.

Nah, its not ethically wrong, actually if you noticed, what you mentioned are good reminders to me. Otherwise I would have forgotten already.

Maybe though this could kind of be a good thing. The opportunity to focus just on yourself and getting well. Without having to worry about work. Although it's scary and you feel like you're at loose ends.

I dont really know to be exact. Yet I dont want to do things "incorrectly".

Yet here I am wasting time.

Wasting everyone's precious time.

Making everyone worried.

I hope you're doing ok - even with all that's going on. But if you're not - that's ok too. It's ok to not be ok. I know it's hard to not dwell on all the wrongs right now. But things can get better. It may take time , but maybe you can think of this as a new beginning. A new start.

Just waiting for time to pass. But I dont really know what I am waiting for.

Maybe i need some form of "direction" and maybe "decided" by others.

No idea... about the new start option though.

I kept feeling insecure.

Try to be gentle with yourself. Take this one day at a time.

Thanks for replying twistedsoul. Keeping me company.

@mikenai22

in addition. I feel that "everyone" lost their faith and trust in me.

no matter how hard I defend myself.

even with hard evidence.

@mikenai22 No you didn't give me the wrong impression. I guess I get it from myself. That insecurity that you're going to say something wrong or say it the wrong way and you're going to end up hurting someone.

You don't have to apologize. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. I can understand trapped and stuck. Now you're left thinking what now. Everything you knew or thought you knew has just been shaken. You've lost that sense of security.

Idk - I guess here I'm torn. Because I don't feel like you're wasting everyone's time but yet I feel the same way. That I'm also wasting everyone's time. But I did have someone recently point out that their talking with me wasn't because they felt they had to. They were talking with me - trying to help because they wanted to. Idk if that helps your thoughts any. People are going to worry - because they care. Because they're concerned. Even if you were 100% there would still be things they would worry about.

Feeling insecure sucks. You're not alone there. Life is unpredictable. There seems to be no set way of getting through it. With questioning everything we do - the second guessing - the self doubt - it feeds the insecurities. Even knowing that - I'm not sure how to stop it and make changes. I don't think anyone else but you though can make the decision. They may be able to give you guidence - maybe point you in the right direction but ultimately it's you who has to decide where you want to go from here. I'm sorry that's not more helpful.

Maybe it's not really that they lost faith and trust in you. Maybe it's just that they're at a loss because they are sure how to help you. They're questioning themselves. That they don't know what to do either. Is there anyone you can talk with that - well - won't end up making you feel worse? Someone open minded enough but gentle enough that would at least understand where you're at. Idk - someone who could help you see the good in you with out making you feel bad.

You're welcome - of course. I'm happy to keep you company. To give you support. You deserve support.

@mytwistedsoul No you didn't give me the wrong impression. I guess I get it from myself. That insecurity that you're going to say something wrong or say it the wrong way and you're going to end up hurting someone.

ok. probably i misread it.

yes, my father was away for a few days. i totally felt at ease. the freedom.

suddenly i had the concenience of wanting to find a knife and poke him. hopefully to get rid of him. to get my life back. peace and ease.

the only stupid problem is law, morales, rights. fuck.

You don't have to apologize. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. I can understand trapped and stuck. Now you're left thinking what now. Everything you knew or thought you knew has just been shaken. You've lost that sense of security.

ok.

but now i am totally at blank.

the only thing i know to do is to check in here, reply.

and worry about my next meal.

Idk - I guess here I'm torn. Because I don't feel like you're wasting everyone's time but yet I feel the same way. That I'm also wasting everyone's time. But I did have someone recently point out that their talking with me wasn't because they felt they had to. They were talking with me - trying to help because they wanted to. Idk if that helps your thoughts any. People are going to worry - because they care. Because they're concerned. Even if you were 100% there would still be things they would worry about.

red - maybe its the way our "minds" had trained or taught us how to think in our own ways, such that we do not see the other reasons of why someone wanting to help us.

blue - well, perhaps i won't be using the word help. but rather reminders. something perhaps i truly need now, because of my mentality on how i perceive/think things are and the forgetfullness

green - often times, i always see it inversely and take it personal. that results in me hurting myself. and also leading to hurting others.

Feeling insecure sucks. You're not alone there. Life is unpredictable. There seems to be no set way of getting through it. With questioning everything we do - the second guessing - the self doubt - it feeds the insecurities. Even knowing that - I'm not sure how to stop it and make changes. I don't think anyone else but you though can make the decision. They may be able to give you guidence - maybe point you in the right direction but ultimately it's you who has to decide where you want to go from here. I'm sorry that's not more helpful.

dont be sorry about the helpful part.

but yourself being able to write the entire thought process of yours while in a clearer state of mind to others, for others.

is great.

especially now, maybe this is what i need. a reminder. a mental reboot. a mental boost. to start over. to pick up the mess that i created. something like that.

Maybe it's not really that they lost faith and trust in you. Maybe it's just that they're at a loss because they are sure how to help you. They're questioning themselves. That they don't know what to do either. Is there anyone you can talk with that - well - won't end up making you feel worse? Someone open minded enough but gentle enough that would at least understand where you're at. Idk - someone who could help you see the good in you with out making you feel bad.

to be honest, i dont really know. because i am unable to put them in my shoes.

i can only assume, guess, comtemplate, dwell about it. thinking of negativity and feeding more oil to the fire.

no i dont have any close ones that can help and or to talk to.

You're welcome - of course. I'm happy to keep you company. To give you support. You deserve support.

Thanks.

Thank you twistedsoul.

Maybe at least if you can still hold out as long as you can for now. Greatly appreciate it.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I'm sorry to hear that with his return you've lost your feeling of ease and your freedom. awith everything that's going on it's a shame you can't feel more comfortable at home. I get the impression that he is very critical of you. He's allowe an opinion but that doesn't mean he's right.

There's nothing wrong with that. I think that sometimes shutting down like that is like self preservation. There's so much we should process but you don't know where to start. So we shut it all down and cover the basics.

I think some of it too though is what others have taught us to think. Is it that you're kind of thinking maybe they should mind their own business? A worry about yourself and let me worry about me thing? I feel that way at times. Almost like I feel responsible for what the other person is thinking.

I wish we could reboot like that. Like a computer reboot in safe mode. That you can just cover and worry about the simplest most basic things.

It's hard not having anyone close to talk to. No one you can confide in. Although - you can me. I mean if you want. Which I know in a way you have been. Keep doing it. We'll keep kicking around the thoughts and idea's. Hopefully we'll come up with some eventually.

Hey no worries. I'm here. Use me as your sounding board. It's all good.

Take care Mike - Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

No idea. I don't really know how to describe.

I felt so compelled waiting for your reply, wanting to respond.

Yet it felt so wrong, awkward, missing.

Anyways, my chest is hurting when swallowing. Duno what caused it. Heartburn? or whatever.

Plus i noticed something. Any type of food i ate, carb, protein, fat. Be it huge, small, high/low GI, fibre, hot/cold, whole/puree/blend/etc, whatever rubbish style i can think of. Even drinks...

Its the same, I still get that nausea, weak feeling almost immediately.

I'm sorry to hear that with his return you've lost your feeling of ease and your freedom. awith everything that's going on it's a shame you can't feel more comfortable at home. I get the impression that he is very critical of you. He's allowe an opinion but that doesn't mean he's right.

red - no. Rather is my mind registered a very bad habit of hatred for him. Hence i will like automatically dislike him whenever i know, feel that he is coming home soon. he will be returning to his old habits, etc. whenever he is around, i feel like there is some blockage in my freedom, some survallience along my path, etc.

in a way, yes the house is rightfully his. but i cant help it.

There's nothing wrong with that. I think that sometimes shutting down like that is like self preservation. There's so much we should process but you don't know where to start. So we shut it all down and cover the basics.

er. shutdown more like, blackout.

if you get what i meant. like... kinda dizzyiness or low power or something.

although my footing is still kinda ok ok, and i get back almost immediately.

imagine me handling a knife while getting hit by it.

I think some of it too though is what others have taught us to think. Is it that you're kind of thinking maybe they should mind their own business? A worry about yourself and let me worry about me thing? I feel that way at times. Almost like I feel responsible for what the other person is thinking.

in some sense yes. maybe i try to write in my own words to see if it matches your description

- wanting to some how "please" or "force" others to accept me/my thoughts, regardless of personal right/morale/ethics

- wanting an opportunity from others, to give me a chance to "try" something for them

- wanting others to help me, but not "force" me to take on their beliefs, understanding, support

- wanting others to share their thoughts, opinions, suggestions, in hope for a better future for me?

- wanting others to support and work with me, but not interventing my wishes or plans and respecting my hopes, wants, beliefs, peace

in my position

- as a 99.99% negativity minded person, i still have my own train of thoughts, wants, maybe beliefs

- the current selfish, childish, stubborn, "so called" perfectionist to my standards, of my wants

- feeling compelled to do something for others, yet to only a certain level. but the weird responsiblity of not wanting or able to complete everything by myself

- wanting to shoulder all the pain about myself, and try to resolve by myself without being forced by others

- wanting to shoulder other people's concern, problems, and try to help them, while not interventing with my beliefs, problems, life, wants, etc.

something like that.

I wish we could reboot like that. Like a computer reboot in safe mode. That you can just cover and worry about the simplest most basic things.

safe mode... hmm and clean up all the junk, viruses, malware, trojan, botware, spyware, adwares, ransomware, bloatware, improper working software, drivers, whatever there is in the digital world that is.

interesting... a good clean up.

if the option of formatting is there... or factory default...

or the worse, termination/trash/scrap.

It's hard not having anyone close to talk to. No one you can confide in. Although - you can me. I mean if you want. Which I know in a way you have been. Keep doing it. We'll keep kicking around the thoughts and idea's. Hopefully we'll come up with some eventually.

eventually. i can only hope. but i do not know when.

worse if it never happens. my greatest fear.

actually sometimes i even felt that i/you/we/everyone can only support and aid and boost each other.

ultimately the fundamental aid to recover/help self - is only myself or yourself

that's it.

Hey no worries. I'm here. Use me as your sounding board. It's all good.

Take care Mike - Be gentle with yourself.

I apologise. i can only ask/hope selfishly for now, that you stay as strong as you can.

yet i cant return any favours.

Thanks, you too rest well twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

in addition.

i have been thinking if i "should" try something or do something.

- to call a truce with myself, for a day, days, week

- take things naturally with the flow, forget planning, thinking, worrying, etc.

- just act when it comes

- leave all the pains behind - temporary

- then after "the allocated time" come back and try to talk/solve/decide again...

@mikenai22 Those black outs - they are scary. I kind of have my own versions of black outs. Here one moment - gone the next. It is very frightening. Because it's out of my control. It just happens and no amount of grounding or mindfulness can help at times. I only hope you don't get hurt.

Yeah that pretty much the sum of it. But sometimes there's the bad thoughts of wondering what someone is thinking. That - do they think I'm just being stubborn or difficult. They must think I'm a stupid idiot - that can't get my life together. Because I can't do this they must think that I'm weak. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

I think maybe we should re -format. Find a way to leave the good stuff - wipe out the bad. Just like a revision. Make the old better. Fresher. Re - learn things in a more positive way. Which - I guess in a way we are. Trying to make ourselves run better with less gliches or system crashes.

You're right - the only thing we can do it support each other. Give that little boost of reminding that you're at least trying. It's all good.

I am trying. I do have my good and bad days. But I try to be mindful of when I come in - so I don't have any Idk - trouble with my control. That my thoughts are in the right spot. You don't need to return any favors. This is your thread - you made it to get support. So I'm here to support you.

The thing to remember with trying - is that it never hurts to try. A least then it's a box to check off. That you can say I tried. But you have to make sure you give it a little time. I kind of go by a 3 strikes you're out thing. Like in baseball. Then I put it in the back to be tried maybe at a later date. Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't.

Be gentle with yourself - Try to take care.

@mytwistedsoul

now even pondering if i should exercise, woke up tremendously weak. this entire week, i woke up having this weird feeling and questioning if i should exercise, be it run or yoga. something very strongly in my body is rejecting. yet i cant rest nor stop. the mind is so, enthusastic about going for it. - wished i could make both at peace.

something feels wrong with my chest, slightly painful to swallow water warm, hot and foods, but no issues breathing. the pharmacist recommended i see a doctor instead of trying to get medications off the shelf. - hiaz... why are there so many issues...

if i am breaking down. can i just shut down forever...

Those black outs - they are scary. I kind of have my own versions of black outs. Here one moment - gone the next. It is very frightening. Because it's out of my control. It just happens and no amount of grounding or mindfulness can help at times. I only hope you don't get hurt.

it is. it just happens without you knowing it. i'm guessing it is ok if you are sitting down idling and not doing important stuff. but if things like, critical work, machinery, tools, driving, walking/running on the road, etc. have to be careful...

thanks twistedsoul, i will keep a look out more.

though sometimes i hope, let nature take (erase) me away. since i cant do it myself.

Yeah that pretty much the sum of it. But sometimes there's the bad thoughts of wondering what someone is thinking. That - do they think I'm just being stubborn or difficult. They must think I'm a stupid idiot - that can't get my life together. Because I can't do this they must think that I'm weak. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

its hard to control what oneself think. and the negativity can go so deep. as deep as you can imagine. - though in reality fact it might just be the direct opposite, which i often negalect.

I think maybe we should re -format. Find a way to leave the good stuff - wipe out the bad. Just like a revision. Make the old better. Fresher. Re - learn things in a more positive way. Which - I guess in a way we are. Trying to make ourselves run better with less gliches or system crashes.

selective re-format i guess you are trying to infer.

You're right - the only thing we can do it support each other. Give that little boost of reminding that you're at least trying. It's all good.

thank you.

sorry though, here i am moaning depending on you, and yet i cant help/aid/support you at all.

I am trying. I do have my good and bad days. But I try to be mindful of when I come in - so I don't have any Idk - trouble with my control. That my thoughts are in the right spot. You don't need to return any favors. This is your thread - you made it to get support. So I'm here to support you.

serious...? that you are ok with it?

i feel very obligated.

there are even times where i had random thoughts of like... having to repay you back. (i.e. air-mailing stuffs to return favour, etc...) though i feel like... somethings not right to do so either.

The thing to remember with trying - is that it never hurts to try. A least then it's a box to check off. That you can say I tried. But you have to make sure you give it a little time. I kind of go by a 3 strikes you're out thing. Like in baseball. Then I put it in the back to be tried maybe at a later date. Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't.

Be gentle with yourself - Try to take care.

hmm, i understand about the trying part of its benefits and uncovering the unknown.

its just that

- i'm very beaten up about the constant attempts to try, again, and again. giving up, putting a break, and try again, and rinse/repeat

- the fear of trying, embracing the unknown

- the feeling of defeat, and waste

- the fact that I cant even make ends meet, no matter how much i have tried

thanks twistedsoul. take care too.

@mikenai22 Hey - Idk that doesn't sounds too good. If it keeps up you might want to get that checked. Which - yeah- I know - doctors suck. But between this and the black outs, Something sounds like it's seriously wrong. I mean - of course it's your choice but if the blackouts continue or get worse and you end up gtting hurt - I'd feel really bad about that.

Hey you don't need to worry about me I have a pretty good support system at the moment. Don't feel obligated about any of this. LIke I said this is your thread - so I'm here to support you. No payback needed or wanted. I just here for you - a sounding board so to speak. We're just talking here. No worries.

I can understand that - I feel for you man - I really do. I wish I had some answers or better advice for you. But I'm still here to listen.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Something wrong with online portal and mobile app.

I was not able to login (online web) nor post anything (mobile app, but can login).

Hiaz... duno why.

Sorry for coming back late.

Hey - Idk that doesn't sounds too good. If it keeps up you might want to get that checked. Which - yeah- I know - doctors suck. But between this and the black outs, Something sounds like it's seriously wrong. I mean - of course it's your choice but if the blackouts continue or get worse and you end up gtting hurt - I'd feel really bad about that.

Anyone of sound mind, would definitely do that. - which I am not I guess. how I should really "take care" of myself if I constantly treat myself this way.... will monitor. I noticed it happens only when I stand at the kitchen, or walking.

I told my parents and brother. but they never even commented anything. I went to see doctor about the werid chest pains (when swallowing) lately. was "redirected" back to eating disorder, acid reflux... hiaz. why.

sorry twistedsoul, not asking you for "why" just... replying as in voicing my thoughts

Hey you don't need to worry about me I have a pretty good support system at the moment. Don't feel obligated about any of this. LIke I said this is your thread - so I'm here to support you. No payback needed or wanted. I just here for you - a sounding board so to speak. We're just talking here. No worries.

Thank you. Really. For your support, being here.

Thank you for the reminder.

You are very strong being able to think and reply with such clarity.

I can understand that - I feel for you man - I really do. I wish I had some answers or better advice for you. But I'm still here to listen.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care

Again, thanks.

(okays, enough with the emotional thanks)

anyways my recent food (favourite bread) don't seem to bode well with me. hiaz. sad.

you too take care

@mikenai22 I'm sorry to hear about the portal and the app. I've had that happen to me a few months ago. It just wouldn't let me in. I'm still not sure what the problem was.

I'm glad to see you though. I was hoping it was nothing serious.

I have to admit - I got a chuckle out of this first part - because you kind of made a joke. I know you don't do that much.

Do you think maybe it's like low blood pressure or something? I'll have to look into it a little later. Do you get any warning before it happens? Like a funny feeling or start to maybe notice something with your vision? Some little warning?

I'm really sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from your family. It's really hard when there's no one you can turn to. Especially the people you should be closest too. It really sucks not having that. I have the same problem with mine.

It's cool - you can voice your thoughts. Your frustrations. Sometimes we need to. A little release. Blow off some steam.

You're welcome Mike. Like I said before - I like talking with you. You don't ever have to feel obligated to me for anything. Thank you - I have to admit - I'm not always strong or clear. We all have our weak moments.

Lol! (sorry - the enough with the emotional thanks got me) You're welcome!

I'm sorry your bread didn't work well with you. Have you been having trouble with everything you're eating? I know you eat oatmeal. Are you still able to? Or is that causing problems too? Or the sweet potatoes? Sorry - me and my questions!

Talk to you later Mike. Take care - yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry to hear about the portal and the app. I've had that happen to me a few months ago. It just wouldn't let me in. I'm still not sure what the problem was.

I'm glad to see you though. I was hoping it was nothing serious.

7cups team just got back saying its some bug. - i hope so... initially i thought i was banned.

because i saw the url showing some "error" syntax.

kept fearing that i was banned. - perhaps this is also some bad, negativity habit or behaviour of my poor disordered mentality of thinking this way

I have to admit - I got a chuckle out of this first part - because you kind of made a joke. I know you don't do that much.

sorry. its this common habit of mine to like to intentionally "cold joke" stuffs. sometimes serious sometimes not.

but still the serious stuffs/thoughts are still there. the intentional joke is just a pointless thing. its like "something" i must do kind of thing only. yet i duno for what.

Do you think maybe it's like low blood pressure or something? I'll have to look into it a little later. Do you get any warning before it happens? Like a funny feeling or start to maybe notice something with your vision? Some little warning?

well, my blood pressure/heart rate has been on the low side for sometime already.

no warnings, it just happens suddenly.

its like your battery getting' weak and just turns off without warning.

then you "wack" or something abit, some leftover juice just kicks in.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from your family. It's really hard when there's no one you can turn to. Especially the people you should be closest too. It really sucks not having that. I have the same problem with mine.

I think my mentality needs re-wiring. In true honesty, they are "showing" support in a certain extent. Just that it is not what I want/expect perhaps.

but yea, it is very challenging to turn to them for support. - because i know they won't be knoding with my thoughts

i guess every one has their personal "private" issues - yet we individually always thought we only ourselves are "suffering" from it

It's cool - you can voice your thoughts. Your frustrations. Sometimes we need to. A little release. Blow off some steam.

You're welcome Mike. Like I said before - I like talking with you. You don't ever have to feel obligated to me for anything. Thank you - I have to admit - I'm not always strong or clear. We all have our weak moments.

Okays. Great. I don't think I can find another better option or paths for now at least. to just talk/chat/type things out. Without the fear of payback or any sorts.

Perhaps when I'm ready. To face my greatest fear and/or challenge of life and move on to a better place. I will let you know.

Likewise, I don't wanna you to feel obligated to stick around forever. If you need to take a breather or stop or move on too do let me know. Some hint or message will do.

Lol! (sorry - the enough with the emotional thanks got me) You're welcome!

Yea. Sure. I kinda noticed. There are better ways/professional ways/courteous ways to present it.

Repetition is not going to help anywhere.

I'm sorry your bread didn't work well with you. Have you been having trouble with everything you're eating? I know you eat oatmeal. Are you still able to? Or is that causing problems too? Or the sweet potatoes? Sorry - me and my questions!

Talk to you later Mike. Take care - yeah?

Kinda everything, carb, protein, fat, small, large meal, puree, solid, standalone, mixed, different timings, hot, cold, raw, cooked, microwaved, steamed, baked, stir-fry, etc.

Purely exhausted, yes, even my favourites. (which was not my favourites initially)

Thanks twistedsoul. Take care too.

@mikenai22 I had thought the same thing at the time. That I got banned. I couldn't figure out why I would have gotten banned but I did think it. I think it's just the way we think. That - what else can go wrong thing.

Hey no need to apologize - like I said I got a chuckle out of it.

So I saw a few things online on how to help low blood pressure. The first was increase your salt in take - the second was drink more water. Then there's compression socks and crossing your legs when you sitting. I know a lot of people avoid salt because it's bad for you but your body does need some salt. So I don't know if any of this is something you've all ready tried or if you'd be willing to try it. They're just some thoughts anyway.

Maybe it's that they're showing support but maybe not concern? Or maybe not what you think is enough concern and support. We some how always manage to convince ourselves that we're alone with our struggles. Just us and us alone. Which is kind of true - kind of not. There are people in the same situations but we each handle it differently. With our thoughts and our actions. Idk

Hey what ever works for you. We can give each other a little concideration if we need to move on. A few words or something just to say we're moving on or something. Just so we don't wonder or worry if we said or did something to offend or upset the other person.

That's got to be hard. Having problems with everything you eat like that. Wish I knew what to tell you.

Try to have a good evening - Take care

@mytwistedsoul

I had thought the same thing at the time. That I got banned. I couldn't figure out why I would have gotten banned but I did think it. I think it's just the way we think. That - what else can go wrong thing.

kinda guessed it. hate this type of mentality.

although it came naturally. but it hurts mentally and doesn't feel sensible as a human being

Hey no need to apologize - like I said I got a chuckle out of it.

So I saw a few things online on how to help low blood pressure. The first was increase your salt in take - the second was drink more water. Then there's compression socks and crossing your legs when you sitting. I know a lot of people avoid salt because it's bad for you but your body does need some salt. So I don't know if any of this is something you've all ready tried or if you'd be willing to try it. They're just some thoughts anyway.

salt, yes indeed you are right that I avoided it like plague. but of recent. I have been trying my best to add a hint of it back to some of my meals. although it is just a tiny touch of it.

water, well.. it is something that I am Abit puzzled. it's not like I never drink. though my coffee consumption is way higher. my pee is already transparent most of the time in the day. so I don't know... if it is due to dehydration or not

compression stockings or ? shit... it sounds similar to my mum's case where she had the issue of varicose veins. kinda something. where the blood is unable to return back to the heart and it's all sinking at the end of the thigh/foot.

I will keep in mind twistedsoul. thanks for checking and pointing it out

Maybe it's that they're showing support but maybe not concern? Or maybe not what you think is enough concern and support. We some how always manage to convince ourselves that we're alone with our struggles. Just us and us alone. Which is kind of true - kind of not. There are people in the same situations but we each handle it differently. With our thoughts and our actions. Idk

it's the way I think and the expectation that is not managed well. different people different generations have their way of showing their care. (maybe not concern, I duno. could be I'm not seeing it correctly)

you are right... it's always "loopsided" in my perspective and it is unhealthy in the long run.

Hey what ever works for you. We can give each other a little concideration if we need to move on. A few words or something just to say we're moving on or something. Just so we don't wonder or worry if we said or did something to offend or upset the other person.

ok.

That's got to be hard. Having problems with everything you eat like that. Wish I knew what to tell you.

Try to have a good evening - Take care

i feel like it's time to give up.

kinda of pointless. putting my mind in misery.

trying different stuffs. not having stuffs that I wanted.

I might as well "coma" myself with foods that I want. than have the same effect despite what the media, doctor, dietitian, everyone said.

since none worked.

thanks twistedsoul. hope your day will turn out like you desired

@mikenai22 It's good to hear that you started adding a little bit of salt to your diet. I know sometimes I kind of crave it. But I'm usually pretty active - so at the risk of sounding gross - I sweat alot.

Sorry about the stockings- that's was one of the first things they said. It might be something to give a try - see if it helps any.

You're right Different generations do things differently.

I know you've got to be tired and frustrated. And everything seems pointless. I wish I knew some answers. Something more concrete. Have you been able to eat lately with out any nausea? Do you try things for a few days before you try something else? Do you take any antiacids for the reflux?

Sorry questions again!

I haope you have an ok day. Doesn't have to be good - just ok works. But not ok is ok too.

Take care - be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

It's good to hear that you started adding a little bit of salt to your diet. I know sometimes I kind of crave it. But I'm usually pretty active - so at the risk of sounding gross - I sweat alot.

Honest speaking, I dont like it though.

I hate doing things for the sake of doing. Its always like the mentality of doing things that I dont want to kinda.

Well only you know your body best? So... if it works out for you, you feel the need, and better off you feel great after consumption, i dont see what's wrong.

Sorry about the stockings- that's was one of the first things they said. It might be something to give a try - see if it helps any.

Nah, nothing wrong about it. Its just you know, money, stuffs, etc. the pains, troubles, concerns, never ending faults and solutions that never worked.

You're right Different generations do things differently.

I know you've got to be tired and frustrated. And everything seems pointless. I wish I knew some answers. Something more concrete. Have you been able to eat lately with out any nausea? Do you try things for a few days before you try something else? Do you take any antiacids for the reflux?

Indeed. I truly am.

It is ok. Although I kept asking everyone, hoping for answers or "digging/expecting" for answers from them. But in my heart (not mind) i never truly faulted them for not having answers, whether correct or wrong. But in my mind, it always think of the other way. - With that i must apologise for the wrong attitude.

No, i havent been able to eat anything without nausea. I had the same meal (something new actually that i hardly ate) as the day before, with a smaller portion and same thing happened. So like i have suggested, big small, carb, protein, fat, etc. Its the same.

Well, regards to the chest pain (not sore throat) the doctor prescribed antacids. Which was seriously debutted by internet/social media that it will only worsen acid reflux. So with both sides of story, I'm very very lost. Anyways I'm taking them for now. But I dont know whether it truly helps or not.

Sorry questions again!

I haope you have an ok day. Doesn't have to be good - just ok works. But not ok is ok too.

Take care - be gentle with yourself.

Dont be. I know you have good intent. Hence the questions. Plus its good that you are open and willing to continuous try and best of all, not even giving up. Which many of my other closed ones already gave in.

And sometimes it might just, open my mind a little to see something that i perhaps have overlooked.

ok day - hiaz... i just hoped a day could be better, than just letting it pass.

thanks twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 Does the nausea happen while you're eating or afterwards? You probably told me - I'm sorry if I forgot.

Do you remember what the last thing was that you ate that didn't make you feel nauseous? Does it happen with the pureed stuff? With the chest pain - is it in the center of your chest or left or right? Does it happen all the time or at certain times? Any chills or fever or anything? Idk - sorry questions again. Just running things through my head and these are questions that popped up. You don't have to answer them of course. Have you noticed any difference at all with the antacids in the last little bit since you started them?

I know you're feeling very lost. I wish we could figure something out for you. I don't mind looking into thing and trying to come up with something. If you don't mind all my questions. Of course you can always ignore them - I mean it's ok if you get tired of them. Just tell me you've had enough and I'll give it a rest. Maybe we can uncover something.

Better days - Mike - hopefully we'll find some for you soon.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care

@mikenai22

Does the nausea happen while you're eating or afterwards? You probably told me - I'm sorry if I forgot.

Afterwards. And most commonly quite responsive. Right after i washed the plate/tupperware or the most 5-10mins.

But like suggested, could be due to the fact that i returned to my computer.

If i force activities to myself, i.e. ironing, etc. I might be able to hold out for a while. but will still feel the lethargy.

Once i go back to my chair, will feel it again.

Plus not forgetting the adnormal shutdowns also.

Do you remember what the last thing was that you ate that didn't make you feel nauseous? Does it happen with the pureed stuff? With the chest pain - is it in the center of your chest or left or right? Does it happen all the time or at certain times? Any chills or fever or anything? Idk - sorry questions again. Just running things through my head and these are questions that popped up. You don't have to answer them of course. Have you noticed any difference at all with the antacids in the last little bit since you started them?

No more, not anymore. Now my favourite food also results similarly.

Pureed foods - Same now. Initially was done to help aid in digestion.

Chest Pain - Centre, now has been lesser. But the reflux or regurgiation of food still happening. Mostly when i consume anything, food, water.

No Chills, Fever - Maybe some sort of "heatiness"

No idea about antacids, just that the whole internet is placing antacids at 100% of aggreviating the situation than resolving it.

I know you're feeling very lost. I wish we could figure something out for you. I don't mind looking into thing and trying to come up with something. If you don't mind all my questions. Of course you can always ignore them - I mean it's ok if you get tired of them. Just tell me you've had enough and I'll give it a rest. Maybe we can uncover something.

I can only be glad that you understand, and aware.

I don't mind the questions. Since I am replying via chat. If i were to reply via voice. I rather not to. cause it is going to be repeating and worsening my throat.

But of all, I do really sincerely hope to get to the bottom of it. - Without being caged in ED unit.

Better days - Mike - hopefully we'll find some for you soon.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care

Thank you twistedsoul. You too rest well.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I was kind of wondering if it could be something with your gallbladder. My grandfather has a problem with his once upon a time. They tried to say it was reflux and a whole lot of other things. It wasn't until he was getting jaundice that they finally checked into it better. I don't know if they thought he was faking or what. But he would get sick after eating - had pain in his chest. They prescribed antacids. I guess they helped a little but not much. Idk - just a thought.

Idk - I just think that if it was reflux or heartburn or what ever they want to call it the antacids would have helped more than they did.

I can understand not wanting to be caged. I can't say I blame you for not wanting that. The rules - the structure. The loss of freedom. Yeah - not a good thing. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Take care - be gentle with yourself.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike. I'm not sure if you remember me, but we talked on the check-in threads a few times. I've seen your thread here and thought I would stop by to say hi. I noticed I haven't seen you in the check-ins lately and missed you. You have been in my thoughts.

How can i forget? You're the wise one.

And, Hi.

Er, I apologise for not checking-in. I kinda depended on the notification to get me around the threads.

But recently all i received are just follow up threads or alerts from major events.

Anyways things deteriorated (in my opinion), and havent been on the good side. Could just be the mindset.

Wow... thanks for remembering me and visiting here to reach me.

I hope it's ok that I've read a little bit about how you're doing lately. I'm sorry to hear you're getting so much trouble between the physical symptoms, your doctors, and your family. I struggled with some similar health issues for many years, and eventually a doctor took me seriously and did an endoscopy and colonoscopy and found a couple different problems going on. A sliding hiatial hernia where my stomach meets my esophagus, and another issue called Barrett's Esophagus. They cause issues pretty much any time I eat or exercise. I also have a number of food allergies, so that doesn't help things. There are certain foods that make it worse, but sometimes just eating in general can be tricky. Sometimes even just sitting here. I think sometimes it even fluctuates depending if I'm feeling anxious or depressed. But there are things that help.

Sure, please go ahead. @mytwistedsoul was very nice to use this as a way to communicate with me.

Otherwise I dont have any other means to get messages out.

Red - Good and Glad to hear that. Its not that doctors "dont" took me seriously, but they felt that they do not need to "comply" with my thoughts and hopes, as they felt they have their reasons and beliefs of my issues. So yea, things worsened and deeper. I see you had quite a serious problem and I hope it is better now.

Blue - ??? Serious? But I am very exhausted troubleshooting, spending money, dealing with it... its like no tomorrow, no answers, solutions, etc. I am hating about "food", the thoughts, trauma, worries, anxiety, calculations, etc...

Green - Well, there are articles about that.

Pink - I duno... is it really true...?

So for whatever is going on with your body, I think there is hope for you too. Try to do whatever you can to relax yourself. You have been doing really great trying different things out for yourself and to give that information to your doctors. What you're going through does matter and is important.

Thank you for your well wishes.

I cant seem to make peace with myself. Mind, body, soul/heart.

Hence it is difficult to truly, put things on hold/stop and relax. As in really relax.

Hiaz, about the doctors. I duno. To be honest.

@NoneTheWiser

Oh I just can't stop smiling to know that you remembered me :) Thank you so much! And for not minding me visiting you here. Of course I remember you too! I always liked seeing notifications from you, and your posts are always so thoughtful.

Not an issue at all. I would presume its probably my cold weird jokes that doesn't make sense, which probably reminded you about me. =.=

Well, I try to be as close to honest, no wrong. I try to type out or express out whatever in my mind when replying. I don't really see a point to go round the tree or hide or show some/hide some information when discussing. (Don't worry, not asking you to be on par with me... in order to chat. I'm just explaning myself)

Oh gosh, you don't have to apologize for not checking in. Unfortunately they don't seem to use a taglist anymore. I'm not even officially on the team, just helping out with check-ins, but I kinda wish they'd bring the taglist back for ease and communication for everyone.

Oh... I see no wonder. Anyways I am doubting a few things

1. point of doing all these.

ALL - Referring to logging in daily, checking-in. Replying to questions. Trying to "force" self to jam something out my mind. Turning it out to be a routine, sometimes worse, becomes a bad complusive routine. Like I MUST/SHOULD kind of mentality. which is not healthy. Its more like, oh, I'm free to chime in now. Why not. Or at least use a healthy way of thinking.

2. Continuation of the thread.

In a portion of the thread, twistedsoul and myself sometimes took a short few days backoff to air our heads.

Which kinda reminded me of something. Imagine one day without 7cups. Or a original normal life. Or a life without 7cups in the first place. What will happen to myself. Do i have to depend on this thread to "talk", "motivate", "question", "aid", whatever that fills in the gap here? I doubt this can be forever either. One day or another, each of us (i do believe including yourself) will have to part our separate ways one day. Be it whatever reasoning.

I'm really sorry to hear that things are deteriorating for you. That must be frustrating and disheartening if you feel your thoughts and hopes are not being heard. It's hard because we do want to put our faith in the doctors' reasons and beliefs. I can definitely understand getting tired of the troubleshooting, dealing with it, and spending money on it. Not having answers or things that help even a little bit.I can relate to that being on your mind constantly, not being able to relax in the continual discomfort.

Thank you. It is indeed irritating.

My conditions are going ok. They will never reverse, but I can manage them alright. I just have to make sure they don't get worse. Thank you for your kind words. <3

I see. But good to hear that you are able to manage them well enough. Often times we do forget to once in a while to take care of ourselves (minus me. i cant even care for myself at all) and accidentally overpushed. So do keep a lookout. Especially hiatal hernia although my medical background is not there, but I do somewhat recall about severity of it.

No one knew what was going on with me until they did exploratory surgery. Because most of my symptoms were "invisible", just based on things I noticed, other doctors just told me it was in my head, stress, etc. I had to see different kinds of specialists. I really hope that if your doctors see that their methods aren't producing results that they will try something else for you. But in the meantime it's very hard for you to try to cope as you wait for them, in this pain all the time.

Actually i stopped seeing any doctors. Other than the psychologist, which i just went back recently.

No idea about the doctor's approach, since i doubt i have much say in it.

Doctor/Family/Brother sometimes uses words wrongly, threatening and triggering, like "why not try EDUnit?". Why cant you just eat with us, Gain more weight, Go do this and that, good for you, etc. Hiaz.

I know you have a good companion in @mytwistedsoul here. I hope you don't mind if I hang around a bit to support you while you go through this. I understand how it can be very alienating and draining and make everything else that much worse. Take care, Mike. It's really good to talk with you again!

Sure why not? Just gimme abit more time in responding will do.

kind of "stressing" or "draining" to reply. - need to quit the perfectionist thinking...

You too take care, wise one.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

my computer hanged halfway while typing... sorry. i'll retype as much as i could remember to express what i initially wanted.

Still the same. Nothing much.

Suicidal thoughts are still there daily... But the guilt, fear and not daring to do it. (Yea the window option)

Kinda irritating.

2 days ago, my stool had some traces of blood. I duno if it was due to excessive digging or food.

Somemore quite some number of undigested food. Anyways this is not the first time. I'm guessing either the digestive enzyme did not completely cleared it or something.

I was kind of wondering if it could be something with your gallbladder. My grandfather has a problem with his once upon a time. They tried to say it was reflux and a whole lot of other things. It wasn't until he was getting jaundice that they finally checked into it better. I don't know if they thought he was faking or what. But he would get sick after eating - had pain in his chest. They prescribed antacids. I guess they helped a little but not much. Idk - just a thought.

gallbladder. this i am not sure.

these few days, the pain has kinda subsidied. but the food coming back up or the weird mouth taste is still present. totally hate it.

anyways the way medical doctors work, hiaz. is always by theory, fact, results and prescribe. nothing more i presume. unless some that goes extra mile to support aid.

but then social media about antacid. like it is bad all over the place, not useful, worsening, etc.

Idk - I just think that if it was reflux or heartburn or what ever they want to call it the antacids would have helped more than they did.

But then, it does not mean that it is really useless. Its just depends on the individual and if the situation is really correct.

I can understand not wanting to be caged. I can't say I blame you for not wanting that. The rules - the structure. The loss of freedom. Yeah - not a good thing. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Take care - be gentle with yourself.

I duno. Honest. Hiaz.

Apologies, i realised i quoted myself instead of you.

Yes, I'll try to remember it. Always seem to forget and worry more of negative stuffs. Hiaz...

@mikenai22 Hey nothing to worry about or apologize for. I'm just sorry it happened to yu and you had to retype the stuff. It's irritating when that happens.

I'm sorry you're having those thoughts. I wish - man do I wish we could get some answer's for you. It worries me that you're feeling this way. I just hope you don't feel an urge to act on them. But I understand how tired and frustrated you must be feeling with all the bs you're dealing with.

I'm glad the pain has subsided but it sucks that you're still have problems with the food. It's disheartening that the doctors don't want to do more and venture outside of the facts and theories. You would think that the results you're getting would tell them to look else where. Or at least look a little deeper into it. Instead of pushing more pills on you. Someone needs to go that extra bit for you. There has to be a doctor somewhere who is willing to look into this.

Try to be gentle with yourself. Look after you first. If you don't have the energy or don't feel up to it - you don't have to reply. I just want you to take care of you.

@mytwistedsoul

it is ok. don't have to be apologetic for my computer problem.

anyways... I duno what to say further for now. it just purely suck.

I mean I wished for answers to be enlightened as much as possible. but perhaps reality is at play here. and guess I don't have much control over.

yea. will try to care. although... I noticed I haven't been truly caring. not even once. when. will I ever care or show some... to myself.

@mikenai22

I just wanted to take a moment - to let you know you're in my thoughts. I'm not a very religous or even a spiritual person but for the moment I'm going to do something and light a candle for you. Idk - maybe that sounds kind of stupid.

Just know you're on my mind - I'm sending you good vibes and good thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

came back from medical regards to the swollen cheekbone.

doctor now requested for MRI scan.

hiaz, i wonder if it is intentional.

have to go through another round of IV colouring.

and loads of $.

I might back off, dont feel like pushing anymore.

waste of time. waste of money. waste of energy. waste of life.

I think i'm ready to give in and surrender myself.

I just wanted to take a moment - to let you know you're in my thoughts. I'm not a very religous or even a spiritual person but for the moment I'm going to do something and light a candle for you. Idk - maybe that sounds kind of stupid.

wow. er i dont know what to say. (its not about the stupidity or sort.)

but the least, maybe thank you.

i never had anyone did something "Just" for me.

Just know you're on my mind - I'm sending you good vibes and good thoughts.

Thanks. Really.

@mikenai22 I know you are so fed up and frustrated with this whole thing. I do and I really understand. You and I have discussed a lot of times the cost of stuff and how we're always worried because it feels like all you're doing is wasting money. And time and effort. Kind like the whole thing is just one big gamble.

But I hate to think that maybe you're close to some answers but still want to give in. I'm sorry that probably didn't come out at all the way I want it to. I don't want it to sound as though we're ganging up on you because We're not - I'm not. I'm on your side - Always. But I can't help but think maybe @NoneTheWiser is right. What if this does hold the answers or at least the key to open the door. A way to get the answers you've been searching for.

You are a good guy Mike. I concider you a friend. I know we only know each other on here -online. But I'm still grateful to know you. It may sound selfish on my part - but I'd like you to stick around in the world for a while. You know? At least until we're old anyway.

Ultimately the choices are always yours and I will stand by you no matter what you decide to do. Maybe take a day or two to think on it. Weigh the pro's and con's. I know it's hard to talk to your family about this stuff because of knowing what they want. And I understand you kind of have to do this for you. Just - remember I'm here if you need to rant - vent - rave or just want to have a b*tch session.

I'm still sending good thoughts and vibes your way.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

hmm just coincidence I refresh on mobile.

I know (morally, rightfully, a person of sound mind) should be thinking and behaving.

The pains, etc. whatever are just noises to cloud my vision.

I know it's not the first time this happened.

but I feel I have more things to worry or address which are not even dealt with...

anyways appointment is booked, just whether I want to go or not only. otherwise doctors duno what to advice further

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

You can't help but feel how you feel about all this. You're allowed to be frustrated - tired - pissed. It has nothing to do with being a morally rightfully sound minded person. You've been fighting with all of this for a while.

There is an aweful lot of things you're dealing with - it's a lot to worry about. I really wish there was more I could do for you. A way I could find you answers. You do have my support of course. We can chat. What ever.

I'm glad to hear that the appointment is booked. You can always change your mind. But I'm really hopeful that this will hold some answers for you. Keep me post - yeah?

Try to be gentle with yourself.

@NoneTheWiser

Mike, what if this is the test that finally gives them a clue about something? Can you hold out for it just to see?

The doctor said, its only to see if any possible blood veins or adnormal blood clots are seen.

Now only know its adnormal blood vein build up. But does not look endangerment.

However there are many different types of build up, and some are potentially dangerous.

The only way to find out is to extract it. No scans will tell anything.

Hence this scan, its just something extra and to contribute to government fundings.

I hate the IV Dye coloring.

Worst, I hate troubleshooting this health thing.

What if it leads them to think of something else to look at? Might it be worth another chance?

I can understand if money is an issue. Maybe skip the MRI if you prefer, but then maybe we can try something else.

Money is always the issue. - Sorry, very blunt.

Nothing more already the doctor adviced.

We're here sitting with you, and we don't want to see you give up. You are a kind and thoughtful person, and you matter. Can you reach out and maybe call someone about these thoughts? I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. That you can't ever get away from the pain. I know you're tired. I hope you can stay here with us and keep talking things out.

I don't need to call anyone, because i know what is the recommendation "anyone" else than me will give.

Thanks wise one, for coming in to keep me in check.

@NoneTheWiser

thank you. but... fatigue is kicking in. might give up and end the day.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Surviving. Kinda.

Tried to call SOS hotline yesterday. Asked if i could go down to the centre just to have a chat. Instead of over the phone.

The person on the hotline was way more anxious than me. hiaz. duno how to talk to her.

It was so difficult to pick up the phone and make the call. Plus the phone is in the living room.

Anyways... other than that I duno.

Still kinda the same, pondering, questioning.

Stucked at my shopping cart for food processor. (on-going promo) cant decide. its like an addition to make nut butter.

yet felt like i am spending excess money. because i still have a equavilent "nutribullet" that is leaking. but still servciable.

i cant help it.

worrying about computer... build or not. or just bear with what i have.

headphones... well i took a leap of faith, T-Loaned from Sony (on-going promo) with $50SGD refundable deposit. That is if i return in pristine condition. zzz the anxiety and stress.

well... i can only say, noise-cancelling is very "painful" for the heart.

it does not work 100% (based on reviews) because the technology is meant for low freq noises. not human speaches and etc. though it blocks out some.

hiaz.. i duno. all the money stuffs.

pestering.

stomach, body, soul, cheekbone, calfs, whatever hiaz.

You can't help but feel how you feel about all this. You're allowed to be frustrated - tired - pissed. It has nothing to do with being a morally rightfully sound minded person. You've been fighting with all of this for a while.

Well. I was telling my brother just yesterday.

I want out of it. everything. I wanna be free and not chained with all the rubbishes.

Its so... irritating.

I dont want to be bogged down with appointments after appointments, medication, thoughts, money compulsion, food thoughts, calories, exercises, work, pains, fatigue, etc.

I just want to be let alone.

There is an aweful lot of things you're dealing with - it's a lot to worry about. I really wish there was more I could do for you. A way I could find you answers. You do have my support of course. We can chat. What ever.

Red - I think this alone, is good enough. Let me sink it to my mind/brain.

Answers, i think.. may not be "findable"

I'm glad to hear that the appointment is booked. You can always change your mind. But I'm really hopeful that this will hold some answers for you. Keep me post - yeah?

Try to be gentle with yourself.

Definitely. If i am still around. I am still pondering daily at the window... hiaz. the brain just could not quiet down.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I want to say that I'm really glad you reached out to someone when you're feeling like that. It really does say alot about how hard you're trying. It shows alot of courage and heart. I know that probably sounds - Idk - sappy on my part. Although I'm sorry to hear that the person you contacted was more anxious then you. Probably wasn't very helpful. I have to admit I called the hot line here a few weeks ago myself. Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and reach out to someone.

I really can understand not wanting to be bogged down by all these things. Sometimes it just feels like too much - it's so over whelming. Leaves you feeling like you have no idea where to start. I'm here for you. I hope it's not too much to ask but when you start to think about that window - take a moment. A pause - a breath. Reach out to someone - anyone.

It's hard to quiet our heads sometimes - our brains are demanding things. I know mine really p*sses me off sometimes. You're in my thoughts MIke - every day. I'm still wishing so many good things for you.

Please try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're here for you. We do care about you.

@mytwistedsoul

hey there. I don't really know what to say.

it had has been quite a journey for both of us here

I know that it is never easy for anyone who is or had went through similar issues plus to get over it. it which requires extreme strength and courage

thank you for always keeping me in check, thank you for showing and reminding me always. to be gentle and more importantly being present and showing up.

I never liked to "end" my life. however it just seemed to be the option that offers most and better than what ever else is offering. yet I am not able to do it. the battle of the mind the guilt the fear the pain.

even now, I'm questioning what I should be doing

reply your post

sleep in

exercise

on computer

read all the rubbishes

what to prepare today

but most importantly thanks again for being there

@mikenai22 It's not easy to get over things and move on. It takes time. I know - everything takes time. We get impatient. We want results now. Immediately. God- I wish it was that easy. I wish we could snap our fingers and just make everything better - make it the way it should be.

You're welcome - always. I know I disappear for a few days here and there. But I don't forget you. I know we've never met - probably never will but I do concider you a friend.

It does seems like the easiest option at times. I guess I feel like you about it. The guilt - the fear - the pain. The what if I screw it up. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I would be dependant on others. That I couldn't move or go outside on my own. Unable to make my own decisions. So I take that breath - that pause. I take that moment to assess - yes maybe my life does suck but - there's always that but - ya know?

Be gentle with yourself Mike - Sleep when you're tired - rest- try to be patient with yourself and the things you're facing. I know it seems like I'm asking alot. But let's do this one day at a time - yeah?

@NoneTheWiser

Hi wise one. I'm happy to hear from you. Thank you again for being here.

@mytwistedsoul

It's not easy to get over things and move on. It takes time. I know - everything takes time. We get impatient. We want results now. Immediately. God- I wish it was that easy. I wish we could snap our fingers and just make everything better - make it the way it should be.

problem is the things and events don't wait for me.

hence I wished the results. I "kinda know" that the feeling of suckyness of wait. but then yet I can't stop my mind about it.

You're welcome - always. I know I disappear for a few days here and there. But I don't forget you. I know we've never met - probably never will but I do concider you a friend.

Seriously happy to hear that.

I mean. like I doubt I had someone telling me straight front about considering me as a friend. (except for the above from wise one)

whether we'll meet one day, will depend on fate. And whether if I hit ground zero first. Plus... I assume I stay half across the globe from wherever you live.

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It does seems like the easiest option at times. I guess I feel like you about it. The guilt - the fear - the pain. The what if I screw it up. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I would be dependant on others. That I couldn't move or go outside on my own. Unable to make my own decisions. So I take that breath - that pause. I take that moment to assess - yes maybe my life does suck but - there's always that but - ya know?

Problem now is i can't find a space to shut everything off. and just focus on "assess" part. My mind is super busy and clouded, and deluded with all the nonsensical junk.

Be gentle with yourself Mike - Sleep when you're tired - rest- try to be patient with yourself and the things you're facing. I know it seems like I'm asking alot. But let's do this one day at a time - yeah?

Problem is. I can't sleep. As in a proper one. Whenever I try to doze off or lie down, the mind will constantly dwell and worry. sometimes when I wake up suddenly, will just complusively worry.

one day at a time.. hiaz.. when will I try that.