Lost

@mytwistedsoul

You're the only one on here that I talk to every day. I have to admit, I look forward to it. It's nice to know that there is at least some contact from the outside world. And it might seem like you're stuck on repeat but it's there because it hasn't been fixed or resolved yet. I feel the same way about myself. It's always the same...can't sleep, depressed, anxious.

One word - Touched

I never had anyone said, in any form, something like this to me in my life.

My social circle is never huge, and had deminished to a point where a couple of fingers could not even quantify,

I kind of know the "answer" to fix and resolve the problem.

However the "answer" is often, wrong/incorrect/against to my own rules/ethics/morals of life.

- I know, sometimes my "own" rules are actually derived/influenced by others, and not actually my rules

- I know, that times we have to go with the flow and not with our die-hard rules

- life is full of unexpectations and it is there for us to experiences, yet i want it my way

I really do hope this next therapist is a good fit for you.

no idea, coming wednesday will find out. I 99.99% despise suspense.

I know alot of people think that the listeners are there to fix things..I also know that they can't. But don't go dead silent. That just makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I mean I all ready have a hard enough time relating to people. Thanks to them, now I feel worse about opening up to anyone. I also understand that they're giving up their time to volunteer to listen. But if you don't want to be bothered then say something, at the very least. I even told them that I didn't think it was a good idea but they say oh no, no worries. Like I said it won't happen again. Pisses me off. And I'm having a real hard time not unleashing it to give them a piece of my mind.

I am one of them - Totally unrealistically dreaming.

I'm not sure what/why the dead silent - Probably multitasking? Anyways we are not here to judge them. Everyone still have their dailys/lifestyle to run.

Woa. Try not to put 100% blame on them. It is already painful with the troubles, so try not to add more fuel the pain. Not gona solve anything. (Same like my burden on not letting go of grudges)

But then yea, some of their behaviours are kinda... off. Anyways we cannot dictate their actions.

Oh well, i guess it is better for you to step off from that menu option?

But sometimes when i feel like having a "instant" communication with someone, just to let go of something, i truly hope to have a person to interactively talk/chat with. However guess here is abit challenging. Even the group chat sometimes felt very isolated.

Man youtube drives me nuts some times. I cheat now and use an old mp3 player. Things shouldn't be so complicated that they need to be figured out. I realize we're the ones that make it complicated but there are usually only so many different ways you can look at things.

hmm, guess i am seriously stucked in the social media influence world.

I hope your headache goes away, I have one too. I hate headaches.

Was slightly better after the 3rd woke up.

But i could not sustain my focus energy. and went back to bed again.

Now i am up, 3 hours later. Did my yoga which, totally felt out of place. =.=

I never like headaches, this is a constant day-to-day problems since i was young.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry, I don't know what to say to that. I have an easy time talking with you.

Hey twisted soul. Its ok. dont worry about that. - Its only voicing my head out.

Sounds like your social circle is the same size as mine.

mmm... mmm...

how like that...

to be honest, i do not know if this situation is good or bad

It's hard to go against your own rules and the rules we end up with, are rules that have been handed down to us. We just add or subtract from them to make it our own. And yeah, behavior, those rules can be changed to be more acceptable, more comfortable(?).

From the way i see, it certainly takes a very bad situation, which will make me "click" such that i will then only change.

i.e. the unforseen ER visit, the job turnaround on me, etc.

But it's going to take time to unlearn what it took you years to learn. I mean you know where it's coming from it seems, that half the battle isn't it?

I doubt it is going to be easy.

But what i know is that once the first move is made, the rest of the process/habit is just going with the flow only.

It is usually the first move that makes things difficult.

The perfectionist streak cult.

Now you just need to find a way to change it into something that is a better more comfortable fit for you. But you can't just go with the flow. Some people aren't meant to. It's that whole think outside of the box thing. And of course you want it your way, we all do. It's our life. We have to be able to be happy in it or a least content...satisfied.

I have been thinking, since i got this pocket of time. Although not peaceful... but have to kinda make do.

I might have to either scarifice something or give in to something. i.e. money, job, lifestyle, health, diet, etc.

Such that I can then balance other things.

Otherwise i dont think i will ever be able to make "ends" or my mind in peace.

This current lifestyle of mine, although "workable" now, but i doubt i can make it last forever.

Although i do not know what is it for me later on.

OH I'm with you there! I hate waiting...for anything. It just fuels the anxiety..disrupts sleep..makes us irritable and temperamental.

yea, and whenever there are things that i hate and wish to get rid of... i just dont want to wait for the time/date to reach.

i.e. appointments, army, activities you hate, breakfast, lunch, dinner timings, etc.

Yeah I know, I feel bad now about feeling that way. I think I was more angry with myself, because it sort of required me to have a little trust for someone. That's a big deal for me. Oh yeah it won't happen again. It's an insecurity I guess.

everyone has their own say, no right or wrong, neither nor there is a need to blame yourself. Its not like the fault entirely lies upon you. Perhaps there could be mis-understandings or accidental mis-behaviours that resulted in a poor relationship, but still end of the day, this is what makes us humans. - Living Human Being

i can comprehen your concern about having the trust about others. - this is something that i always worked poorly on, the lack of trust from others. which resulted me in getting most of the work/job/task done by myself.

Hey it's the way of the world. Internet, social media, nobody talks face to face anymore. And just about eveything is text, no phone calls. It's easier.

=.=

Yeah headaches suck. I get them alot too. Seems like nothing makes it go away, not until it's ready too.

Hope your headache continues to get better. Have a good day/night.

Yea. thanks twistedsoul. food coma again. (almost immediate after i wash the plates) i gona rest abit.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/05/04/155-something-new-lentil-flatbread-hummus/

Dont worry... did not finish the entire thing... too much.

@mytwistedsoul

Well thank you though! Guess I'm just not used to having someone be touched by something I said. It's kind of nice.

Great~ Take abit of time, and also perhaps if can just focus on feeling it.

I hope that slowly slowly in time, you learn to pick this skill up. - I need it too, I'm always one who pushes appreciation/commendation messages away.

I'm not sure either. It's just really hard to find people you and trust and relate to.

Trust is something easily broken, but yet takes the most time to build. - Don't think this something new to any one

I think alot of people are kind of like that. You let things go to the point that you have no other options. That rock bottom stage. I do it, probably because I have some deluded idea that maybe things will work themselves out but they never do.

Indeed, which literality made me started thinking of stuffs like

- Lifestyle

- "modified" and "fake" Plant based whole food diet

- Money

Perhaps it is time to let it go.

Unfortunately there are always sacrafices that need to be made. Unforunately - it usually starts with money, because therapy isn't cheap. It's hard to find the right balance of things. Other people offer suggestions but everyone's balance is different.

I am doing something very ugly for now, and no children/son/daughter should ever do to their parents/siblings.

I am reaching out to them to pay for any expenses for now.

Although i am financially still capable, but my mind is still not in peace with money.

Yet i feel the obligation when i make them pay. - Like a in-debt and will need to pay them back (in any form) for their kindness

Yep! Let's just get this over with is my way of thinking. To have to wait and wait and wait...I get so worked up and nervous that by the time of the appointment I've made myself sick from worrying about it.

which reminds me about the anxiety pain and feeling I faced past 2-3 years (or even more) about army reservist. - The wait for the D-Day.

PS twistedsoul : Please don't be sorry and say that you have triggered me or made my think about bad stuffs. Don't worry. I'm just reflecting on it. Its already the past already.

You're right. It's probably a misunderstanding. I tend to read into things to deeply and take things too personally. Trust to me is like respect. It's earned, I don't just give it away. Same here - I trust myself (sometimes) I know I'll do the job right at least right to my standards. Although I guess that doesn't really mean it is right. Just right to me.

first part yes, emotions overwhelms reality very easily. the ability to catch it and take a step back to reanalyse is a great self-management skill to pick up.

second part, "just right to me", are you able to tell yourself that? i certainly cant. this is something that i want to at least help myself with. if i cant even have some faith or trust myself, it will be very hard to move on to anywhere in life.

I hope you had a good rest and your headache is gone.

Thanks. - Other than the hunger issues that i am battling lately... sudden hunger, sudden stomachache, sudden fullness, puzzling and confusing.

The weird lowblood pressure numbing headache is gone.

But the usual headaches are still probing once in a while.

It looks really good, I've never eaten hummus. Isn't it made out of chick peas or something? Sorry, guess I could google it.

Yes you are right.

For once, i almost followed as close to recipe - with exception of adding vegetables, and subtracting garlic/oil

Instead of some "faking" to just attempt to make a clone out of nowhere.

I hope you have a nice/good/decent weekend. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care

Thank you. Thank you twisted soul. I try to keep in mind.

I do hope that your well wishes goes the same for you too, and especially the first part being able to brighten your day better, and perhaps much more forward looking. But something to keep in mind is also that the world/life is much much bigger than just only this thread.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Something's wrong. I cant think. I will just type out what happened.

2330hrs - woke up lost, went to eat

0200hrs - stomach ache, probably the yogurt i took at 2000hrs

0230hrs - cant think straight to continue sleeping or wake up

0235hrs - yoga, i forgot to stretching exercises

0305hrs - apple cider vinegar drink, clean up

0330hrs - coffee, power on computer for the day

(between 0330hrs to 0700hrs) spent time on computer, email, qoo10, reddit, 7cups, etc...)

0430hrs - hungry, breakfast part 1 (half portion only)

0500hrs - coffee (second cup)

0550hrs - hungry, breakfast part 2 (second half portion only)

0600hrs - decided to soak adzuki beans for meal preparation later

0620hrs - felt like wanting another coffee (third cup)

0700hrs - first boiling of beans

0800hrs - decided to make some sort of bread (again)

0930hrs - apple

1000hrs - shaping of bread

1045hrs - second boiling of beans + veggies

1100hrs - puree of beans + veggies

1120hrs - steamed bread

1130hrs - bathe and decided to eat

1200hrs - saw this post, but feeling confused of whether still hungry or not.

1220hrs - ate again

1230hrs - iron clothes

1245hrs - now...

Not sure what i am doing today.

Yoga was I think ok. But similarly pushups are still on the weaker side. Something feels wrong with the arms. I wonder is it due to under train or something wrong elsewhere.

(Update) 1250hrs - headache.

It's hard to accept compliments. I'm not sure why.

I think it is a human "nature" to put oneself slightly lower than others. It requires quite a courage and strength to stand up and be proud of what you did, etc.

I remember reading somewhere about it. But then it does not mean that you cannot train yourself to be stronger and learn when to and not to regards to compliments.

Wow, and they agreed? That's good right? I mean helpful to you. I imagine it must make you feel uncomfortable. I mean you have to do what needs to be done. I'm definitely not challenging your decision. I get the feeling of having to pay them back. I used to go through that if anyone did anything for me. There was always a payment to keep in mind.

Yes, good... in my mind no, It is not healthy and the action is like a guilt and sin that I can never let go of. Its like breaking heaven's rule book of indisciple children mis-treating family members/parents.

I always had the mentality of what you explained. The itch will always be there like there is a credit score that needs to be balanced. Otherwise it is wrong or always in debt situation. And the mind will never stop battling.

No I can't actually. I mess with something trying to make it perfect and end up screwing it up more. I end up forcing things and screw it up by making it go a way it wasn't supposed to.

Ah. I see. Gotta try to be more mindful next time.

I mean like also cant expect everytime/possibilty of being able to clean up a bad situation.

Things happened because of an act, hence if it happened, gotta accept it. And have to try to react to situation and move on from that point. No point dwelling on the past.

(1259hrs) - shit i dozed off sorry twistedsoul

I'm glad the low blood pressure headache went away. Anything to with my head bothers me. Headache or tooth ache. But I have a bad habit of clenching my teeth all the time so it makes my teeth and my jaw hurt. Doesn't matter how many times I catch myself doing it and stop it, 30 minutes later I'm doing it again.

Clenching teeth? please becareful. During my younger days (secondary school, i think its what US refers to as high school or something) someone got hurt with "fits". Kinda painful thing i heard. And it is very scary.

Guessing its like another kind of behaviour that is learnt/trained over time?

Learning/Picking up is way easier than breaking. Just gotta keep trying. Or if not, instead of "stopping" try alternatives i.e. constant reminders, stopping for 1 hour instead of 30 mins, kind of thing then work longer periods.

It did look good. I might have to give hummus a try, see what I'm missing.

Thank you.

I kinda made another version today - with adzuki beans

Idk, it wasn't a bad weekend. I just feel off.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Its ok. Cannot expect everyday to be good. I tend to forget it. But gotta try to look at the small things - which we often overlook.

Thanks twisted soul. I'll try. Though i am really lost with my hunger signals and pains.

In addition, this is shameful, i am leaking pee during the entire day. shit.. this undiagnosed problem again.

@mytwistedsoul

hhmmm.. your body is telling you something, I just have no idea what it is. Sounds like muscle fatigue almost. I don't know.

i wont deny the fact. just that i do not know the truth.

neither nor dare to "take a break" of try something else.

its like fearing of something. i.e. weight gain?, muscle lost, etc.

I can understand your misgivings with having them help you. I understand what your mind is saying. But that doesn't make you a bad son. Families are supposed to help each other in times of need. And if they didn't want to help they could have said no. But as I said I do understand your feelings about it. No one wants to ask for help, it makes us feel vulnerable and weak. But it takes a bigger person to admit they need help, even if it is to pay for something. And in my mind this is something serious. You're trying to get your life back on track. It not like your asking them for unnecessary things. This is your health and the obviously want you to get better.

vulnerable and weak - perhaps this is my issue. the fear of being shameful, the fear of "losing", the fear of being weak, the fear of falling/failing.

The teeth clenching comes from being tense (i think) and well some of it is just anger. I just feel angry some times, sometimes it seems theres no reason for the anger. It just simmers under the surface. It's something I'm working on.

I see, something like an act of moment or just purely a "routine" habit?

As for the leaking...could it posssibly be a uti? Or it could have something to do with the muscles weakness. Don't be ashamed, things like that happen sometimes. Have you had a physical lately? It might be something to think about if you haven't. Just to see if there is some underlying cause to it.

no idea, but could be due to the weak stomach muscles. i.e. all the digestion issues, exercise weakness/problems, unable to seat/stand for long, etc.

physical not really, but i did talk to doctors previously, and was being shunned off.

perhaps the next upcoming one i'll bring somehing up.

I hope the day goes better. Or evening. It's weird sometimes to think of the time difference from your part of the world to mine.

mine's is GMT8+, 2354hrs now.

Take care, be gentle with yourself. I hope you figure out whats going on with the hunger signals. It must be frustrating.

Thank you.

well, if by the book of ED. It means 2 possibilities, 1. did not consume enough for the day, or 2. extreme hunger requiring nutrients for recovery.

By our own mentality, it only just means bad. Because all the stupid calculations and stuff will just kick in and questioning why this, why that.

@mytwistedsoul

Before I reply below

Sorry to interrupt the usual comments. Something seriously dont feel right.

Minus the exercise part, which continued to drain me.

I do not know who to talk/chat with about.

I'm very very exhausted. I think it is time. This whole "thing" feels stupid.

The mind, The body, The soul, they don't even sync.

Worst of all, I am not even happy nor satisfied nor feel "rightness" doing anything.

It is almost like everyday is rinising and repeating.

Even if someone ask me to change, I dont think I can, nor know what to be changed. Plus I might need a lending hand as a guide/accountability.

----------------

Hey there's absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of! And you are definitaly not weak! It takes a very strong person to ask for help. And the fact that they agreed, well that says alot to. You're their son...they love you. You love them. I'm sure it made you uncomfortable but there's nothing wrong with it. They want you to be happy and whole.

I understand, especially topics as such which is both sensitive and personal, one with definitely be more on the cautious/protective side.

"They love me" - Not too sure about that. My perception or expectation of love could be mis-aligned. And how they show their care for me can be different. I understand.

But now, since everything, everyone is haywired about me. I doubt it can be easily recovered.

I'm not sure... I think it started as a bad habit...clentch my teeth to keep from saying something I shouldn't. Not it's just something I catch myself doing when I'm angry.

Try noticing the pattens when it happens, and see if you can find any causes/triggers to it.

Man what is it with these doctors not wanting to do their job? If it's something that happens often I would definitely say something to this doctor, because it could be an underlying condition. It should definitely be looked into.

Probably they feel that there are other conditions that are most important/crucial to be looked at than those?

I duno, I'm not trained in the doctrate and medicine field

I hope you're feeling better and have gotten the nutrients you need to help your hunger. the calculating would drive me nuts (sorry don't mean it to sound that way) Math and number's just aren't always a strong skill for me. And the questioning and and second guessing things, well I do this now about things and drive myself nuts.

No idea. Just constantly eating... Bloating, Weak, Tired, Sleepy, etc. But sleep is still pockets of intervals.

Dont worry, i understand twistedsoul.

Your appointment is on Wednesday right? I mean I'll talk to you tomorrow or well it's almost Tuesday here. Just double checking to make sure I got it right.

Yes, tomorrow morning.

Tuesday afternoon 1252hrs for me.

Take care of yourself, as always be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I need to do the same tonight.

Take care twistedsoul. Have a great evening.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey no apologies....

I'm a little confused...time for what? I mean I kind of have my own ideas about what time it is, but forgive me I'm not sure I'm following what you're saying. You can talk to me about anything, ya know? You can't change for other's, you have to want it for yourself. Which is hard - scary. And I think it's ok if you're not sure where to start. And it's ok to need help with guidance and accountability.

I don't really know.

Perhaps something like change?

This time for good.

Not sure.

I am thinking that since i have so many "issues" on my head, or even if i pen'ed it down.

Since I cant really make any decision.

Why not get someone to be accountable for me. i.e. family, external, etc.

It is highlikely related to money or some sort of possession stuffs.

And i likely have some reasons for wanting, and not wanting them.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone has different perceptions and expectations of love. It has to do with how we're raised, I think. I think how we view ourselves plays a part in it too. If we see ourselves as unloveable or unworthy of love, that plays a big part. To be honest... Love, unconditional love is foreign to me. In my mind...love hurts.

How true. Part of me doesn't believe in relationship is because of this.

The fear of getting hurt. Another self-fish reason is the hate for maintenance. The maintenance of the relationship. The constant need to care for each other.

Me either, but the regular doctor I have is just as bad. For example : you go in for say an earache, he'll cover everything but the earache. It's frustrating. I mean he gets there eventually but if that's what I made the appt. for let's cover that first.

My psychologist, had abit of this "kind" of tactic. I have a main goal of wanting to get something addressed, but always gets dragged to the end of the session, which often gets "timed" out or never talked about because of lack of time or we side tracked during the session. No matter how hard i steer back the conversation, doesnt really help.

Maybe some of it is nerves? Anxiety? I know I'm that way if I'm anxious or nervous it really bothers sleep even more. And with the eating...idk..if your body is craving some vitamin or mineral maybe that would cause the constant eating. Sorry I don't have more input.

Yup, you might be right. But I do not know what.

I only know my mind/body is literality in a confused state.

And the hunger pains just dont tally.

And say if i am eating more, i presume more energy, i should feel... "energised"? at least?

But no sadly. Only a larger belly.

It's a bit early.. but I wish you the best of luck with your appointment. My thoughts will be with you!

Take care, Mike, be gentle, be brave, stay strong, you got this

Thanks twisted soul. its 2243hrs now tuesday.

Thank you for remembering about it.

@mytwistedsoul

Change is good. I need to make some changes too. I have got to get a grip on the stupid sh*t I do to myself. That's something totally different though.

Fear is holding me back. I did not even dare to talk to my mum to ask for help yesterday.

At least you're aknowledging that you think it's time for change. You're open to it. It's scary though. Leaving the known for the unknown. I want to say though - I am very proud of you...I know that probably sounds corny or sappy, but you have made quite a bit of progress in accepting things since we first started talking. You're alot more open and upfront with things. At least I think so anyway.

However, everytime i declare it. I always hold back, or step back. The feeling sucks.

Thank you twistedsoul for noticing things I have done, efforts that I have made. Despite them being small, not visible to me. But yet you noticed them and pointed it out to me. I appreciate it. My psychologist pointed to me also, which i often missed it. Only only lead to self-blame.

See now my therapist - (this sounds so bad on my part) he's too easy to lie to. Man that sounds so sad, I hate to say I lie to him about things but I do. I tell him what I think he want to hear and he doesn't really question it. Or if he does he doesn't say anything. I feel bad about it and I will admit some of it is just a trust issue, because I haven't been seeing him long but if he knew half of what goes on in my head... I hate to think what would happen.

Is your therapist aware of it?

Or is it because he is filtering your messages?

If this is really the case, then I don't think it is healthy and helpful in the long run.

Because it is just abit wrong if it is one-sided. Plus/similarly to my situation, if there is no synchronisation or synergy between yourself and the therapist, in terms of understanding, care and willingness to help, i doubt there is any point to further continue?

Its like the commitment part is lacking, and worse of all, damaging to yourself?

If you're not getting enough proteins and carbs though that would affect your energy levels. I think anyway.

I am very lost about these macronurtients (Carb, Protein, Fat) stuff.

A lot suggested things like dont track your calories, nurtients, etc.

But some said that you don't do, you don't know what is wrong.

So a few times, i actually plugged in the numbers to a online tracker. Which i've tried recently again - Once only.

And i dont see anything that went off the chart. Plus i think it overshot?

Although there is also a side note that these online calculators are just reference and should be taken as pinch of salt. Only yourself knows your body and how to listen and act accordingly.

You know - I think I'm nervous for you, lol! I know how nervous I was for my first appointment. About drove myself nuts!

3 pm here. Good Luck!

Oh my, how come become you're the one that is much nervous than me.

I felt more numb to it - Its like I am going for the wrong reasons. I have not even thought of what to say. Other than the one question that I have. and i kept worrying about the sore throat.

I really despise medical places, hospitals, clinics. The sad, dull feeling. The needles. Pains.

@mytwistedsoul

great, the nurse totally ignored my request.

took my height, weight, BP, HR right in front of me.

great thanks for letting me know that I gained weight.

must be thanks to all the late night binges.

fine. anyways it is just only a matter of when only. no point of hiding forever.

Fear can make people do things. That fight or flight thing. Or freeze.

Sure does. Hence important to be cautious and try to be presently aware whenever situation requires alertness.

most of all common sense should be applied. (i.e. the stupid breakfast that dropped to the floor)

Hey every step counts, even the little ones. You may have noticed them but disregarded them or figured they didn't matter. Or possibly more focused on what was wrong steps, instead of the little right steps.

I don't see them. need some one to really stand in front of me. repeatly mantra to me.

I think my issue is more towards the negativity side, always looking at stuffs negatively. hence the little positive stuffs gets covered easily.

To be honest - I don't know if he knows or not. He might have an idea that I am. But hasn't called me out on it yet. Maybe he's waiting to for me to come clean. The best easiest way for me to explain it is that there is something very self destructive in me. I'm trying to get a handle on it but sometimes it gets away from me. I do really good with it for a while but then I start on a slide and I can't stop myself.

same. it isn't easy to let go off, once you are used to something.

anyways. perhaps you might be right. how about you try to be open for once. just once.

see if it makes things better.

Yeah it is all kind of confusing. I'm only going by some of the things I've read about. While it is true that only we know our bodies and listen and act accordingly... we also ignore what our bodies tell us when something is wrong. We push it and push it hard at times.

hiaz I don't even know how to move on

continue researching online, ask Reddit, pay for some professional? or doctors. or just do nothing

Haha I'm not sure. I'm just a little high strung sometimes, I guess.

... ...

​​​​

I hope it goes good for you.

Oh yeah hospital's suck. They're very draining.

nope the nurse already spoiled my thoughts.

all I wanted to know is about the stupid schema therapist.

now they just have to blow my disorders up

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I started to, but my head was pounding. Still hurts but not as bad. Just makes me sort of unfriendly when it hurts too bad. And hard to think clearly.

Dont worry twistedsoul. Small matter.

Nothing matters more than yourself first. Indeed, I can comtemplate your feeling of pain, and its irrirating feel when you need/want/have to do something.

Wow that really sucks. I'm sorry that the nurses were so inconciderate of everything. That's not the best way to start off.

Forget it. The experience was not great. Although i can only say that something was done.

I can understand, I do the same thing sometimes. You get so focused on the bad stuff that it completely covers anything good. Sometimes even when someone points out the good, it's like you have to point out the bad.

Indeed, it is a "trained" behaviour that I kind of habitualised to my dailys. Such that I dont even see any good out of anything. Unable to experience the good despite having some negativities.

Being completely open with him...worries me. The hospital thing. Idk, I'll have to work on it. See if I can find away to be upfront with him, without sacrificing my freedom.

Try? You wont know, till you try.

No change, also means you stay where you are.

I don't think doing nothing will help. There has to be something, someone who is alittle more conciderate of you and your feelings. Maybe the 7cups therapists? Since it's online, maybe. Idk.

yes. Maybe might try.

running out of options.

Again I'm sorry they handled everything the way they did. I was hopeful for you. Thinking they wouldn't be so inconciderate, that they would be more professional about what you're there for.

Dont be sorry. I'm just fed up about them not listening.

exposing my weight to me. kinda dissapointed and demoralised.