Lost

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you today?

It was bad.

Stomach was cramping/spasming the whole noon/evening/night.

Cant really tell is it because of, indigestion, hunger, food poisioning, food intolerance, stress, tired, weak stomach, etc.

Cant really even sit in front of the computer for long.

End up panadoling and sitting on the bed the entire day. - Felt like a waste

Search for meaning of life (Gaming) - Perhaps i should take a break, nothing seem to be helpful. I just only keep draining and pushing myself.

Search for new therapist - It does not seem that continuously finding a new one will help. Most/More importantly, i need to even seek or understand what myself truly want first. If not no amount of sessions or anything will be able to address anything.

You're welcome... I just want you to know. You're not alone, I mean, I know I'm not there physically. But you're not alone.

Don't worry. I understand.

Great that you reminded me, otherwise would have forgotten.

That's a question thats always on my mind - will it ever end... change. Is this all there is? Maybe the list changes because the priorities change. Or get side tracked. Kind of like doing one thing but before you can truely finish it, something else pops up. The things are closely related and you need to finish both before it can truely concidered done. You know what I mean? Just because you know something needs to be done - doesn't make it any easier to do. Sometimes it just makes it harder.

if you noticed, there is also this constant question of "why" or rather questioning,

Im not sure if it is about all these is or not. But rather that being able to manage or accept and handle the situation, going with the flow than acting against it will seem to help further.

Yes, in life enexpected things most in times happens. That's why it is called unexpected - Its not like something intentionally left out of what

But what i am rather irritated and not "fulfilled" is the fact that I cannot justify the "energy" or whatever to get something done. There isnt a purpose or anything for me to work for.

Hey you're welcome. I know it may take a few hours or even days sometimes to get back to you, but I here for you. To offer support, maybe some friendly advice, an open ear. I want to remind you again - I really do think that you're doing a good job, with everything coming at you. I know how overwhelming everything can be, how lonely it can feel, but I feel you're facing it. You're pointed in the right direction and taking steps. Even if it doesn't feel that way to you. You may not see it, but I do. I'll be your gentle reminder. Thank you too. For everything... helping to bring me out of my shell. For being someone to toss idea's around with. You've help me too - more than you know.

It is ok. It serves as a reminder to me that it is not mandatory for you to reply either. And also to bear in mind that this will end one day also. I doubt we can continously keep it up forever.

Thanks for reminding me that you are around to listen. - I often forget and blame "everyone" that no one listens, nor "reply" to what i want to listen/answer

Thanks for reminding me that - I am doing something, despite the unsatisfactory outcomes. I am often blinded by the problems itself and just going back to the dwelling rountines.

Me helping you - To be honest, I can't really see it. I can only know that I am here. Replying as sensible as possible and genieue about my thoughts. I do not see apoint to keep hiding or going around to get accross a message. But if you feel helped from me, I am contented enough. Although I do not really know my true aims nor goals for myself.

Take care.... be gentle with yourself

Have to, I cant take it anymore.

I think maybe i cannot do self-care anyrmore. Might need some form of "forced down" self-care maybe.

@mytwistedsoul

Instead of saying How I am today.

I'll be truly honest on my thoughts than how I am feeling.

I dont feel well, mentally well. The feeling of something is not right, i.e. diet, health, life, work, money, relations, and the entire lifestyle feels ruined or messed up.

I dont really know how to move on. And yet i feel very scared to change.

The definitely doesn't sound good. When it's like that, have you ever tried taking like Pepto or something. Immodium? To see if it would, idk calm your stomach? I mean it probably wouldn't but it might be something to try. Well I think ultimately you'd like to feel better, so that's sort of a start. Just my opinion. Maybe a few starter sessions would help you find and understand what you do want.

Never heard of them before, Just did a quick google. They are for diarrhea? I dont think mine is under that classification? Not very sure.

What I have been considering is digestive enzymes (can be costly) or just continue the antispasmodic medication which is abit placebo for me.

I'm just tired of spending money, again and again. Yet not seeing results.

Just think of me as long distance support.

I will. I will.

The why's... why why why... Makes me feel like a child sometimes. Always asking why. Maybe when you get yourself stronger.... then go against the flow. If you think about what you want... what's the first thing that comes to mind. And I mean the very first thing. For me ... it's to be content. That is literally the first word that comes. Not happy, not success or fullfillment. Just content. With myself, with my life. I think if I can get that, the rest will hopefully fall into place. So I pu my energy into understand or trying to find understanding of myself, for the goal of being content. Idk..that probably doesnt make any sense.

Red - For me, worries, (i.e. food plans, problems, hunger, what is going on, etc.), ruminations

Then later i keep thinking about, routines, life direction, am i doing things wrongly?

I cant seem to understand or take time to understand myself.

Its great to hear that you came to a conclusion of wanting contentment, such that believing in it will allow the rest i.e. happiness/success/fulfillment or whatever will come to place. - Dont lose focus

Hey everybody likes to be heard... we need to be heard. That validation everyone is always telling me about. You're allowed to feel frustrated and angry and upset. This is something you're going through, something you're dealing with. I'm finding that sometimes people don't listen because they just don't want to, they don't understand the situation... so they just don't care. Doesn't make it right. Bet everyone needs someone to have on their side. Lol! You got me. While I may not always understand..( which is why I ask questions all the time) I am trying to understand, because I think that you're worth it. I'm just trying to help you see it too.

Red - I don't understand. So who am i proving it to? Why "everyone" is nagging and saying that I am not doing things correctly

Blue - I dont want to admit this. But i think i am starting to feel "lonely". Not in the relationship manner. But in the "I need someone who I can talk/chat with and can understand/side/help/accountable for me". Maybe i take the talk portion out, because my throat does not seem to make it every time. Believe me, I talked to so many doctors about throat issues. None bothered to even discuss about it.

Pink - Its ok, I dont blame you. I dont mind explaining my thoughts, if it is via chat. I cant seriously talk.

Green - Thank you. But I am very sorry to say that I have tried very hard to remember/realise that I am worth it. I just keep feeling negatively and felt like everything always crumbles. Perhaps the stupid diet or my stubbornness has crumbled my world and view.

You have helped alot. I like talking with you... I enjoy seeing the progress you've made, even if you can't see it. I like your honesty and your no BS attitude. I think in time you will find goals for yourself. It's quite possible that they're all ready there, you just have to uncover them.

Red - Hey, No problem. I did not really know that. I kept thinking that I am here asking for help only.

Blue - Sorry... Its very hard. I cant see it. I dont feel the strength nor energy to uncover them. Maybe I am lazy, procrastinating or need someone to uncover and show the path for me.

Aggressive self care... I saw that somewhere else on here. Maybe make yourself a treat? take it to a nice sunny spot and give yourself a moment to enjoy the moment... yeah? Even if you have to force yourself at first. Allow yourself the time. You deserve it.

When I make a treat for myself, If i gorge, I worry about calories later. Then got stupid mindset of oh, you need to compensate later, i.e. exercise, yoga, or lesser dinner, etc.

That is the mentality, or not is that the mind will just battle it out. i.e. Hey mike, stomach still grumbling, can you just ignore the "treat" earlier and just eat some more?

Or not about the treat, is sore throat. Then i will start blaming myself. Stupid mike. Eat Eat Eat is all that matters to you. Now you got that sore throat - Well Deserved.

Or not about the cost/effectiveness - Hey, oats are cheaper, no wait, flour is even cheaper. You should use those and not those expensive flour/grains treats.

I dont know. Its just difficult.

Self-Care Suggestions - I'm just tired trying, so many recommendations. I dont know where to start. When i try, i.e. game, video, etc. I just step back very quickly. When I game or "forcefully" try to, i get fear, anxiety, etc. very quickly. I just dont know why. Its not the same as the past.

If people say sleep... Hiaz, that is another round of big problem...

Take care...Be gentle

Thanks. This post perhaps is one of the bigger opener.

@mytwistedsoul

I must apologize to you - it's been longer than I intended. I have been somewhat of an emotional wreck.

Hey, it is ok. Don't worry. Take your time. Be it weeks or months. Or even not replying. It's ok.

You or I (as in oneself) is more of important in terms of priority.

I understand what you mean. I've been feeling the same way myself. The fear of change, the fear of aknowledging what we know isn't right.

Indeed. But mostly times, it could also be that our perception could be "accidently" misled to think wrongly although we may perceive it as right.

I think that the antispasmadic thing is what I was thinking of. The immoduim usually helps with the stomach cramps. I get those sometimes when the anxiety is off the charts. It could just be that taking it make me think I'm helping it feel better.

I see. Let me look around.

To be honest, I am very puzzled whether if the cramp/spasm is due to

- indigestion

- anxiety/worry

- food poisioning

- real damage to body?

It's hard to feel like you're worth it when everyone is always nagging and telling you what to do and what not to do. This might sound totally stupid, but could some of your throat issues be because you don't feel like you have anything worth saying that anyone wants to hear? Almost like being selectively mute. Nobody cares what I'm saying, nobody is listening anyway, so why bother?

Not really. Rather it truly hurts. Its like a good 10-15min continous talk to explain my conditions, i.e. to someone, psychiatrist/psychologist, etc. is good enough to trigger.

Its not like i dont want to explain. I dont mind to explain, as long as the person is willing to sit down and listen. - Of course I would certainly hope that the person do not rebut me... But then it is still up to the person's freewill

It's socializing - at least for me. Plus you give me things to think about. It's a little hard to find your goals when they're buried under a mountain of everyone elses expectations. I'm doing the same thing. I've had all these expectations piled on me - I've always been told everything I should do or say or feel. What I want and what I need always came last. I don't think you're lazy... I just think you're lost and in need of finding a proper support system. People who truely understand. Which is hard because alot of the time if someone hasn't been through it themselves it hard for them. The just figure you should "get over it and let it go... move on" But it's not that simple.

Red - I truly feel, that I might be at that stage soon. Its kind exhaustive and exhausting. Life is kinda boring and meaningless. To be very bluntly honest, its like its all over for me. Look at all the problems that this stupid stubborn perfection mindset, lifestyle had caused me, the weird diet (not blaming vegan/vegatarian community), health, exercise, money, work (my job), relationship, social. All is being affected.

I just had frozen yogurt pop into mind. Is that something of interest? Or sherbert? Something that would maybe help your sore throat but still be a treat. Something that doesn't hold alot of calories that you wouldn't worry about enjoying? Dealing with cost is difficult. And I swear it just keeps getting worse. Feeding and taking care of yourself shouldn't have to be so expensive.

Haha, nope thanks.

There was once where just somehow, I tried frozen bananas. (Yea although high in calories)

But somehow it aggravate the pain even more.

Cost hiaz, well, it is another problem... its like medical cost, food cost, lifestyle cost... everything is money.

Has something happened with the gaming? Like maybe someone walked and and commented about you wasting time on it. Playing when you should be doing other worth while things? Because that can get stuck in your mind. Some of my sleeping problems I think come from that. Didn't matter if you were sick or worked your butt off the day before. There was always that voice asking if I was going to sleep all day. Nevermind that I was only in bed for 2 hours and still exhausted. You're not alone on the sleep issues. I hear you on that.

More like my lifestyle. Its gone. Hobbies, pasttimes, favourites, used to dailys.

i.e. cartoon anime, music, gaming... they are all gone.

What's stuck in my mind is always worries, problems, decisions.

i.e. food, what should I be doing, job, money, exercise?, calories, sleep?, noise?, room layout?, etc...

Again... sorry it took a bit. Sometimes I need to just regroup and get my head straight.

Be gentle with yourself... I know it's hard.. I have the same struggle at times.

Hey like mentioned, dont worry. Take your time.

Thanks, you too, be gentle with yourself too. Sometimes, it might just be more important to focus on yourself.

Sharing something i heard online

i.e. try telling/advicinging yourself, what you will tell/advice someone (i.e. friend, relative, close ones, etc.) if they are experiencing what you are feeling now.

@mytwistedsoul

That stuff night not work, Not that I'm trying to talk you out of it. I just don't want to build up your hopes. I kind of figure though if it's not expensive it might be something to at least try. But if you have indigestion, it should help. Sorry I kind of went in a big circle with that thought. Grasping at straw's I guess.

Its ok, just reading only. No commitments yet. Its like better than me reading or doing same things over and over again. Rather what majorly concerning me is whether if all the problems are actually related "to the mind"

And they've looked at your throat? Thay didn't see anything wrong? No inflamation, swollen tonsils? That's weird, if it hurts that bad, and there's nothing they see, you'd think they'd look into it more. Do cultures or something.

No. Not doctor 1 (gave lozenges), doctor 2 (gave paracetomol), doctor 3 (nothing).

No. Nothing wrong.

My father only know how to continue smoking, burning incense.

I don't really know what to do. Other than drinking.. (which hurts my stomach), or more lozenges (which are costly and sugary)

It's not over... it just seems and feels that way. We need to figure out how to get through your fixed thinking and get you to a point where you can move forward. I'm not sure how but with going and getting things checked out, that at least is a start.

Not sure... But I just feel that it is over for me.

It just seems stupid, very stupid of me.

I have been listening to alot of "self-help", "motivational", "inspirational" talk and realised that there are so many things out there. Yet I dont want to try...

That's kind of strange, I would have thought that with a sore throat something cold would have made it feel better. I honestly don't think I've tried frozen banana's. Everything is money and I hate to say it but I think it's only going to get worse.

To be honest, I thought so?

I tried frozen bananas yesterday again. It hurts.

About money, I don't know. I know its crucial for survival.

But if the supply is cut, you (I) immediately feel the cringe.

I know I can "temporary" ask for help, but then the stupid mind will start to worry again.

Hiaz. I dont know how, I cant seem to manage/concentrate on work.

Yet it is a problem to me.

Did it start before or after you changed your eating habits? I'm not sure where I'm going with that... looking for reasons, I guess. Usually there's something that causes things to change or stirs things up. some contributing factor. I know anxiety feeds our fears, and depression steals our motivation. I know you can have both at the same time and it just see saw's back and forth. Has anyone talked to you about either of those?

Anxiety/Depression is something I have controlled and hide since young. I just didn't open up and usually bottled up with myself. Only now, I open up. Which then becomes a official record.

Eating Habits, well, this is something I do not know how it actually ventured or ended this way.

I believe everything started to detoriate since "Army's" referral to psychiatrist.

Worry -> Solitary Personality Disorder -> Anxiety, Depression -> Eating Disorder -> Work -> Lifestyle

Along the way, my "server" (NAS) hard drives went into some issues, which turned me into a very depressive mode, without backups. But somehow I managed to recover most of the data later on, a few months of struggle later.

People do talk to me, but I just cant seem to be able to get over it. Sometimes I really hope I can be handheld at least a while (I know it sounds like I am acting like a child...) but at least to tide over. But seems to be hard to explain to others.

Even online youtube videos, after i listen deeply and asked myself... why am i so... stubborn at times.

Who does not know, the "better" side is always on the other end. The only way out of the rabbit role is to change.

Thank you for being understanding. Have you noticed... we're so good at giving each other advice, but we never use it for ourselves? You would think we would.... at least give it a try.

Fully aware.

Which I felt, that perhaps, I should save the entire thread posts/replies.

Read and Review as mantra everyday.

And perhaps quit 7cups until I recover.

Thanks Mike... You take care and be gentle with yourself... hopefully we'll figure something out... something that can help you feel better.

Thank you.

TwistedSoul

Somehow, I managed to dwell into a computer game. But, after sometime

my head hurt, my shoulder/back hurt, my mind hurt.

most importantly, I gained nothing.

now asking why am i doing this.

@mytwistedsoul

Some serious issues with the site today. I knew I saw your tag some where but the notifications are just all over the place.

yup. got around 50 over notifications in one shot.

its like the old notifications all came back

The more I think about it, I really wonder if you don't have an allergy to smoke. That it's whats causing the irritation.

I doubt it is allergy. More like a hatred and dislike for it. It builds up over time.

But it builds up now until everytime i am exposed to it.

It hurts. Even outside when I am not at home.

Do you maybe feel you don't want to try because of feeling discouraged? I can truely understand that. With the problems at home and your body telling you something isn't right, but the doctors not doing enough to figure things out. They leave you feeling as though they aren't listening.

Not only discouragement, but the lack of security, fear, especially unknown and the effectiveness in terms of cost/waste, etc.

I dont want to try also due to procrastination and waiting for a "never reaching" perfect moment.

Its like I am trying to constantly balancing everything out. - Which we all know, it never happens.

Money is everything. I hate that it is. You need it to live some place, to eat, to just... live. It's a shame that we place so much merit on it. Money is veiwed as happiness, success. It doesn't make you a better person, but everyone seems to think it does.

Something's wrong with me. No matter how much effort i spent to calculate, tabulate, telling myself - I have enough. I keep worrying that I don't have enough.

Red - Yes, I kept having this thought. Same goes for "poessessions" as happiness.

I understand the cringe - that feeling of being indebted to someone.

I dont really know how to let go of this "fear" and "feeling"

My mom even stressed to me that "hey it's your brother you know? not like some unknown stranger"

I don't think you sound like your acting like a child. Honestly - I have moments like that myself. I feel like a child, playing an adult. I think it's because I have no clue what I'm doing. Just sort of blindly feeling my way. Change is hard, it really is. But even though you feel like you're being stubborn, you have actually done some moving forward. Just by making appointments and following through with them, that says alot. It's hard to explain things to people - always, because of the fear of judgment, rejection. Just the fact that they are so quick to disagree and then it just makes us wonder even more what is wrong with us.

Is it..? You think so? - (careful) I might be seeking some form of security sense or safety.

Red - Indeed. I think its the same for my diet, health, exercise issues that I "think" i am facing now.

Blue - I wonder... If i should, just give up and make the stupid overseas trip, that I constantly been rejecting. I don't see a purpose in it. No meaning, not forward looking. All for the sake of objective to change my environment and break my habits.

Green - Exactly well described

Hey I'm glad to hear you tried a game, I'm sorry it made you feel so lousy afterwards though. Did it maybe make you tense or like fearful because it felt ok at first? Like you felt bad for enjoying it for a little? Or maybe in the back of your mind you felt bad or conflicted? I'm not quite sure how to say it. I guess.. ok.. if I do something here and feel a sense of acheiving something, it won't be too long until I start to doubt that acheivement and then it makes me feel bad for having that feeling of pride. I feel guilty for it. Does that make sense?

Actually, I tried too many - I feel, but perhaps others could have tried even way more than me.

I kinda logged them in my blog post.

Red - Perhaps maybe. I kept having the thoughts that I need to find a game (i.e. like finding a past-time, hobby, something) to chill/relax/happy/contented/do what i want kind of thing. I kept using things like possessions, computer, gaming, cartoon anime, as what I thought that I liked them.

Blue - I'm not sure, but it just happened. Right almost the end of the game. Plus adding all the headaches/dizzyness regardless of type of games.

Green - Something like that, but instead of pride, is rather what did I got out from it. kind of mentality. what do i want the trophy/achievement for? what was i seeking in the first place. did i got what I want in exchange. was it worth (value, earned something valuable) it?

I hope you can have a good evening/night. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're doing alot to try to find your way through all this. Feel good about the acheivements you have accomplished - no matter how small you think they are.

Take care

I'm not sure about that, it has not been a good few days, doing nothing, poor stomach pains, digestion, etc.

Thoughts but not willing to move. Hiaz.

You too take care.

Thanks for the reminder about me "trying" things out.

@mytwistedsoul

At one point there I had 96 on here. It was crazy.

woot~ 96!

guess you have been busy.

It's so hard to find balance. I have the same problem. Like we're all made of dark and light, good and bad. But I spend so much time worrying about the bad stuff, I lose focus of the good. Fear.. fear can make you do or not do so many things.

I can only say that this is what makes us human?

To live through the good and bad times.

I think we all have problems with that though. Our possessions and the money it took to obtain them. Which I think is why it's so hard to let them go. Even if we no longer use them or have no use for them. Because even if you could sell them, you'll never get the cost back.

Red - This is what I FAIL to recognise. I always thought it is a self-problem that only me face and struggle with.

Blue - The stupid me of not understanding and accepting the equivalence of trade and depreciation cost.

Family has a way, even without trying, to make you feel endebted. Just the fact that you know you owe them money and then there's the fear of, if for some reason you can't pay them back?

It is very indebted. I seriously hate the feeling.

The act of "spending" money is serious problem that I'm dealing with. To me is a infinite wall to me that I cannot cross nor walk around it.

You're not alone with these thoughts. Everyone has them, some just won't admit to it. We just are facing different things. The changes are scarey. Because so much could go wrong. Opening up to new sensations, new experiences. Leaving the comfort of the known, to face the unknown.

Red - Again, I fail to realise and recognise them.

Blue - My brother did mention that its how one manages or not let his/her emotions affect them.

You should see all the games I have here. Computer, DS, 3DS, Playstation, Playstation 2, XBoX, XBOX One. I even have all my old Gameboy games. I haven't really touched any of them in months or years. I did play Plants vs Zombies the other night. But all that money wasted and you know how expensive they are. I'll never get that back and now that I'm older it just seems so stupid of me to have spent it on that stuff. And for what? I few moments of wasted time? When I probably should have been doing something more constructive with my time.

Wow, I guess I'm not the one with the stash only. To be honest, I am trying to discard/give away them. It is kinda affecting my mind. You know like this lady's suggestion to remove item that does not spark joy - KonMari, Marie Kondo

Red - How...? I have so many here too. Including alot of backlogs. I have so "much" time now, yet I dont want to play them.

Blue - Indeed, which made me feel that I should effectively use them... but yet i am not.

Orange - Hiaz. Sorry. I cant help to blame myself also.

Green - Indeed, But i dont know what I want... nor there are weird situations that i want to game. Yet i blame myself later.

I hope things get a little better for you, even if it's just a moment at a time.

Thanks. I know it's hard to give yourself credit for things. So I'll help with that, because I do think you doing good with trying. It kind of shows me that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're just feeling overwhelmed. But something has to be figured out soon.

Try to be gentle with yourself - take care

Er this is confusing.

Its like, "this is good" for me? Because to me its all "pains" and "difficulties" and exhausting. All I feel is pains, beating up of myself, and not feeling good.

Yes it is overwhelming, and I keep wanting things to be figured out.

But yet this wise man (sadhguru) mentioned, that it is "cheating" or "match-making" life if you want everything known/planned out/foretelling for the future, so that I will be safe without worrying.

Hiaz, twistedsoul. I think I am looping. But Thanks again for your constant reminder.

@mytwistedsoul

Today sucked. I probably woke up on the wrong or bad side of bed.

Morning exercise chin-up and run, 100% fail. DNF (Did not finish)

My mind was in a highly fatigue mode. I did not even do anything much yesterday. Not even to say physical.

My mind kept battling if i should workout or change to yoga or something. It just felt... amiss.

Went for run anyways. just half a lap.., or rather while... running, the feelings off. No energy. Less than half a lap, I turned back and went home.

Did yoga instead.

Felt like i lost the battle/streak.

Now kinda bingeing on food.

But felt very nauseated. Like the food is coming back out of my throat.

No idea what is going on. Looks like my system is out of whack.

My back is totally weak and shoulder is in total cramps.

I think they were everything I've ever posted since I've been on here, every checkin, every music post. I'm so glad they got it fixed.

Yea. Like the alert notice mentioned. It was a database migration or some sort. Kind of expected to happen i guess.

Oh no, it's alot of us. Some of us are just more vocal about it. More caring of the fact. Some people just let things go. But we can't all do that. We work hard for our money, we appreciate it. Which makes it harder to let it go. Even if it's on things we need. Maybe especially if we need it, because then it makes us feel like we shouldn't need it. Like with buying food, the price and cost of everything. I always think that if I didn't have to eat, think of all the money I would save. But I can't not eat, you know? We eat to live.

Its probably the way I percieve and receive messages. Plus I over-react to things easily and usually take things to heart. Which in turn allowed my emotions overwhelm me.

Red - I think we tend to overgeneralise ourselves. Which I kinda read about a post yesterday, that I often/very forget. You can read/learn/copy/try any guide or self-help or whatever that others shared. However it does not mean it will definitely work for you in totality. What's most important is that you (or I in this context) should be listening to myself and accepting what's good out of it. And to take the value of the positive and try to instill for my benefits that I want. Not to beat myself over it why this why that.

Blue - Need vs Want vs Emotions - I kind of lost my mind and senses (feel, gut, heart) to it. It is so hard to tell what is going on and make a proper judgement. But like what others suggested, sometimes, you just have to let go. There is no need to justify for everything.

Orange - This is so confusing.

I think we all feel that way. We are the only one. Which in a way I guess it's sort of true. I mean, your problems are yours and mine are mine. We both know we have our problems, but we feel like we're the only ones with them. Does that make sense? Some people are just better at not letting their emotions rule and dictate them. But we're humans, we are emotional by nature. As I said though some people are just better a dealing with them. But that doesn't make them any better than us or us any less then them. We just have to find some kind of balance. But we have to fix somethings before we can do that.

Red - Yes it does. I can understand. My problem is that I dont see it. And I seem to forget about it. Because I allow my mind to take over me, and overwhelm with the problems only. Worse off is the dwelling of it instead of trying to solve it.

Blue - Definitely not me?

Orange - I dont even know what I can do now, nor which should I be fixing first. Its like the "prioritising" mindset machanism is broken in me. Whenever I try to do something it just does not work out. Or I been nagged by others that I did/chose a wrong move.

Yes I 've heard of her, there are days though that if I followed her advice my house would be empty. Because there are days when it seems as though nothing brings me joy. Some of it I think is age, not that we're ancient or anything. But maturing, growing older. How does that saying go about when I became a man I put away childish things. I know because it makes you wonder what you were thinking to spend so much on such things. Hey you're not alone with that, there are alot of times I don't know what I want either. But then I'll watch tv and see a commercial for some new game and it will spark an interest and I catch myself thinking oh wow, I want that. But then I see how many I all ready have and tell myself I don't need it.

Red - Empty!? Scary. Yes, sometimes like seriously the mind is just in total crash. You know, like the computer in BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). No matter how hard i try to reboot it just does not work. (It happened a few times during work too.)

Blue - Confirm? I don't know if it is my blinded one-sided view. But I rather see myself acting more stubbornish and more towards a childish mindset

Orange - Is that true? Because I dont really know myself. The direction, the goals, the intent, what I originally wanted. All seemed missing suddenly. I always thought it is me and the problem lies within, stupidly not having any sense of direction at all. Nor spending any effort to search for it. Dragging day after day in hope that someone will "save" me. - Which never will.

Green - Wow. Great will power you have. I don't. Now my mind is so cluttered with what to do/what to get/what should I be helping myself with next.

I don't really think you're cheating or match making anything about life. Because it's not really like you're looking for a plan. You're looking for answers to why you feel as bad as you do. Answers for why your throat hurts and you have the pains you do. You haven't been feeling good, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know why. Everyone here on 7cups and all the other places, myself included, we're not looking for a plan, we're looking for answers to our pain. It doesn't matter if it's an ED or OCD or depression or anxiety. We all want to know why. You're not wrong for wanting it too. It doesn't make you a bad person or any less than anyone else.

Red - Actually, I believe I am kinda along the lines. Its like a lazy mentality of finding some sort of "quick" fixes. Food must be easy to prepare, cheap, ad-hoc, good enough, etc.

Blue - Hmm. Thank you again for reminder. Somehow I kept losing it, and practically just self-blame.

Orange - Is that.. true? Because its like.. 4 pages close to 5 pages long and over 100+ posts and I think I am still going in circles.

You're welcome, try to be gentle, try to take it easy on yourself. Take care, yeah?

Hiaz. When does it end. I hope its not the last day. - Although that was what the wise guy said.

I wish I could really be gentle and took things easier.

Take care too...

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let so much time pass. I've been having issues with my anger and now depression seems to have gotten a hold of me.

It is ok. You do not have to be sorry about it. To be honest, there is no need to.

You are free to take as much time off, or allow this thread to go history archive.

Do remember that you are free to make your decision to whether 1. login, 2. do something in 7cups, 3. choose this particular thread, 4. even pressing the reply button, 5. considering to even reply something

It is not mandatory.

At the end of the day, we are all human beings with souls.

I sorry you had such a bad day, How are you today? It does sound as though you system is out of whack. Sounds a little like you're dealing with some anxiety and some depression. I'm not sure how but it seems that you can have both at the same time. I seem to go back and forth between the two.

Yea, it is kinda bad. Today is almost somewhere along the lines similar.

Although I completed my run today. But the 2nd lap was mindless running, and it was dragged to the "finish" line.

The mind was totally wandering off.

Anything can happen at any given time. Most importantly is 1. to detect and be aware of it, 2. don't focus or dwell on it 3. to try and come back to the present moment

I've been having some problems with over reacting lately too, I'm not sure how to stop it. I like to be in control of myself and it just hasn't been going too well for me. Taking things to heart is another problem for me too or reading into things. It's funny I can actually hear a tone in a text. or a post. It's hard though, isn't it? To not beat yourself up over things, to take the positive out of things and use it for your benefit. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of anything at times, the past, regrets, your thoughts of yourself.

Red - I see, it must been challenging and difficult for you. I apologise for not being able to recommend or suggest any technics for now

Blue - Sometimes i see it as a practise, habitual or lifestyle that you (me) have self trained over time. Its like something that you slowly build up, perhaps since young or something. Until it becomes natural to you (me). Hence the only way out for this as far as i have learnt from psychologist (or others) is to "retrain" your mind and thoughts to deviate from it and/or perhaps to do something else instead of the current "bad" habits.

It's hard to get past the dwelling sometimes because things seem so overwhelming. It's hard to find a solution because you can't see past all the problems. I feel that way too.

Thanks for understanding and able to explain through the feelings that I am trying to express.

I guess it is kind of scary, I'm having a hard time finding a whole lot that brings me joy. Definitely a brain crash. I need a new hard drive for mine I think. I can't seem to recover from a major system error.

There are multiple times, where I kept "screaming" in my head that "OK Mike, I surrender. Let's reboot, reformat, restart everything again. Do it, otherwise we never move on."

Sometimes I even balantly blurt out the thoughts to others, in hope of some security or comfort or support to go for it. However I did also learnt from somewhere (i kind of forgot where) that it is also not a good idea to "go back to the past or a clean state". Because the problem you are facing now, is resulted/triggered from something from the past. Going back, U-Turn, Reformat without addressing the problem, will just bring you back to it one day.

Anyways, saying all those grown up words, here i am still squatting in my rabbit hole.

Yes it's true, I have no idea, none what so ever of what my goals are, what they should be. Maybe I did at one time, but I don't know if I forgot it or if I just deluded myself into thinking I did. I know that there is no one to save me, I know I have to do it myself. Some days I just don't know if I want to any more.

Red - Perhaps during young, should have. I believe so, because during younger times, the mind is more simplistic and easier going than now.

And yea well, there are times that we over-focused too much, until we are at a never ending path of the endless chase of unknown.

Its only when we take a step back to recollect our thoughts, then you will probably notice.

And lastly yea, the lost of the want. When there was good reasons initially. Its actually moments where we derailed too far.

Not saying that its whose so whatever fault. But such happens time to time to anyone.

I guess it does seem as though we're going in circles but I think it's just because we haven't found any answers or solutions Maybe with the next time around we will.

Red - I'll be happy to know which "next time"

Yesterday, my psychologist highlighted that it was our 15th session. My first initial thought was like... is it a reminder that it is time to get out of the stupid bullshit that is going on? Or should i bring a surprise or cake or whatever during the 99th session.

I don't know - I truely don't. I guess it ends when we have some answers, some solutions.

Take care of yourself, be gentle - try to anyway.

Hm.... I wonder. I even have thoughts if i should get out of the internet for a few days. i.e. airplane mode, radio silence, do what I want at home.

But i dont think i can go off without the computer.

Headache, been on constant dosage on panadols. although it is still within limits.

Meanwhile, while i try to care for myself (which I havent been since, and I am soon... to be fired i wonder...), please lookout for yourself twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry your still having problems with your workouts. I wish I had some advice for you.

Dont be sorry. I am the one whom stirred all up in the first place.

It is ok. I think yourself being present here means alot to me. And it is enough.

It's hard to retrain your brain and your thoughts. You're right, you do need to address the problems of the past, but that is hard also. Sometimes what caused the problem isn't just there, you have to locate it first and it can be something so simple or so complex. It's not just something you can take care of in one or 2 sessions with a therapist. There are some people who end up having to do therapy for years. I recently met someone at an art therapy thing I do on saturdays that has been in therapy for 25 years.

In addition, sometimes the problem is just not "addressable" - The next possible solution is only to let go of

But yet again, first have to identify it.

Yea i understand, about the possibility of long term therapy.

Yeah I think I did when I was young and then life happened. Now I'm just trying to move past the past. But it's a daunting task. When you derail like that it's so hard to get the train back on the tracks.

Me too, my friend, me too.

Hate derailment. It just never feels good. And it sucks to clean up the mess. Although sometimes after cleaning up the mess, the satisfaction is great.

LOL! I'm sorry maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's funny. I know you don't make any jokes much but that was good!

Well, its like kind of a reminder that "hey isnt 100th session abit too much?"

Yet if you look at it another perspective, it is also like an achievement..., yet not something to be proud of.

Try it for a day - see how you feel then. Or try to go as long as you can, see how it makes you feel.

Not sure... it just feels scary. The unknown. The what not. The need to report to people. Kind of feeling.

I hope your headache gets better.

It comes and goes. But mostly seemed to be triggered when I am at the computer. Yet it is something that I kinda want to do... yet giving me so much pain.

I hope you don't get fired, isn't it like a medical leave?

No idea. It is a medical leave. Yet I never requested for it.

I will Mike, thank you, you take care of yourself, try to be gentle.

Ok. Good.

I realised something while thinking out.

I never truly cared for myself. Never really did. - I wonder what is, when I will.

@mytwistedsoul

I think identifying the problem can be one of the hardest things, and then to let it go. Sometimes it seems that our problems become part of our identity. It's part of who we are. Letting go of that is hard, because it's like you have to let go of a part of yourself. With letting it go, you end up having to redefine yourself. And long term therapy - I don't want to end up being 60 and still in therapy. I mean theres a good chance I probably will be anyway, I'm just not looking forward to it.

Red - Well said. Very true and explained my mind.

Blue - Something I have been fumbling, and yet having no answers to. Been seeking, asking, searching, googling, checking, hoping, questioning but yet I cant find anything.

Orange - Sometimes I wished, everything is just over. So I can "continue" and move on.

Green - Remember about what I mentioned earlier about, how to treat yourself with the advice that you will give a friend in need of the same situation?

True, it leaves you with a feeling of accomplishment. But the derailment, that can really mess things up. It can crush your spirit.

Yea. It does. While I was still in my hectic days at work, this was the issue. The spirit was very low. The team was dragged down even lower. To make things worse, the team's (management + colleagues) behaviour and responses (repeatly) made me felt way lower.

The last part, I don't really know how to express it out to them. I felt very bad, and difficult to say it out to them that it is affecting me very badly. Cause its like we are a team, and should kind of "struggle" through together and make ends meet.

True, but in a joking spirit, I can picture you walking in with that cake and a banner that says"isn't 100th session a bit too much". True but at the same time, it shows you stuck with it. And I guess if it takes 100 sessions, but you're in a good place, then it is sort of something to be proud of. Dedication to yourself and your mental well being.

Red - Wow. Never once I ever thought of it that way. I wonder how or what made you be able to appreciate and think of it in that manner. That's quite a good positive thought.

It does give you a sense of belonging sort of, that connection. I know I unplug and I do miss it, that social connection, but sometimes I don't want to be social. I end up feeling torn between the two. We are all about technology theses days. I hate to think sometimes what would happen if the internet would crash and we'd be forced to socialize "normally"

Actually I despise being in a social situation.

This is very stubborn mindset and mentality of mine. Nothing is right nor wrong about it. But rather it has given me way too many problems when dealing with sticky situations. Or when situations where socialising is required.

Heck in addition, everyone needs some form of socialising. I cant even face my family sometimes.

I have been wondering somewhat similar too. which was what I have been thinking about the airplane being off the radar for a few days.

I know too much time on computers can cause headaches. Theres this thing called 20-20-20. For every 20 minutes on the computer, take a 20 second break to look at something 20 feet away. And after 2 hours on the computer, you should take a 15 minute break. Too much light can cause headaches from computer use too. Maybe try that 20-20-20 thing, see if that helps.

Hmm, i tried many weird methods to help distract myself off. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt.

So far the only thing that drags me out is

- time

- food

- pains (i.e. calves, shoulder, core, head, etc.)

So your company put you on it? I think thats a good thing. I mean I don't know what the rules are there but here they usually can't fire you if you're on medical leave.

Company doctor. Anyways I have less than 14 days left.

What's worse. I did not manage to accomplish/do what HR recommended

(Most important in order)

1. Self-Care, ONLY STRICTLY Care everything 100% for yourself.

2. Self thoughts/reflections on how/what you want to do in life

3. Job Hunt/Research/Interview trials

4. Volunteer, Learn/Try New Skills, Pick up courses

Do you have any idea why you've never cared for yourself? Have you talked to your therapist about it? See if they can maybe help you with that or at least help you figure out and understand why?

Red - No idea. I find it challenging. Something in my mind seems to be overridding it. That's how i felt.

Blue - Yes, I always wanted to. But was always overwhelmed with the discussion set by them which is often derailed by me. And in the last burst of 1-3 mins, then talk about my topic which is too late.

Orange - I'm not sure about this. Its like they did mentioned something before about they cannot help to figure out and understand the issues. But rather their roles is more towards understanding and opening up of oneself. Such that the person can assess if he/she can somehow link the issues to the current problems being faced. Although some problems maybe can be discussed and addressed. But whether therapist can truly... help to figure out solutions... I'm not that sure of.

I probably commented this way in Orange probabaly because and due to my past experiences with them... that resulted this way - the negative mindset.

Try to be gentle with yourself, take care

Will try... Now I am not already.. I kinda woke up and "refuse" to continue sleeping. Kinda find it difficult to.