Lost

@mikenai22 At one point there I had 96 on here. It was crazy.

It's so hard to find balance. I have the same problem. Like we're all made of dark and light, good and bad. But I spend so much time worrying about the bad stuff, I lose focus of the good. Fear.. fear can make you do or not do so many things.

I think we all have problems with that though. Our possessions and the money it took to obtain them. Which I think is why it's so hard to let them go. Even if we no longer use them or have no use for them. Because even if you could sell them, you'll never get the cost back.

Family has a way, even without trying, to make you feel endebted. Just the fact that you know you owe them money and then there's the fear of, if for some reason you can't pay them back?

You're not alone with these thoughts. Everyone has them, some just won't admit to it. We just are facing different things. The changes are scarey. Because so much could go wrong. Opening up to new sensations, new experiences. Leaving the comfort of the known, to face the unknown.

You should see all the games I have here. Computer, DS, 3DS, Playstation, Playstation 2, XBoX, XBOX One. I even have all my old Gameboy games. I haven't really touched any of them in months or years. I did play Plants vs Zombies the other night. But all that money wasted and you know how expensive they are. I'll never get that back and now that I'm older it just seems so stupid of me to have spent it on that stuff. And for what? I few moments of wasted time? When I probably should have been doing something more constructive with my time.

I hope things get a little better for you, even if it's just a moment at a time.

Thanks. I know it's hard to give yourself credit for things. So I'll help with that, because I do think you doing good with trying. It kind of shows me that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're just feeling overwhelmed. But something has to be figured out soon.

Try to be gentle with yourself - take care

@mytwistedsoul

At one point there I had 96 on here. It was crazy.

woot~ 96!

guess you have been busy.

It's so hard to find balance. I have the same problem. Like we're all made of dark and light, good and bad. But I spend so much time worrying about the bad stuff, I lose focus of the good. Fear.. fear can make you do or not do so many things.

I can only say that this is what makes us human?

To live through the good and bad times.

I think we all have problems with that though. Our possessions and the money it took to obtain them. Which I think is why it's so hard to let them go. Even if we no longer use them or have no use for them. Because even if you could sell them, you'll never get the cost back.

Red - This is what I FAIL to recognise. I always thought it is a self-problem that only me face and struggle with.

Blue - The stupid me of not understanding and accepting the equivalence of trade and depreciation cost.

Family has a way, even without trying, to make you feel endebted. Just the fact that you know you owe them money and then there's the fear of, if for some reason you can't pay them back?

It is very indebted. I seriously hate the feeling.

The act of "spending" money is serious problem that I'm dealing with. To me is a infinite wall to me that I cannot cross nor walk around it.

You're not alone with these thoughts. Everyone has them, some just won't admit to it. We just are facing different things. The changes are scarey. Because so much could go wrong. Opening up to new sensations, new experiences. Leaving the comfort of the known, to face the unknown.

Red - Again, I fail to realise and recognise them.

Blue - My brother did mention that its how one manages or not let his/her emotions affect them.

You should see all the games I have here. Computer, DS, 3DS, Playstation, Playstation 2, XBoX, XBOX One. I even have all my old Gameboy games. I haven't really touched any of them in months or years. I did play Plants vs Zombies the other night. But all that money wasted and you know how expensive they are. I'll never get that back and now that I'm older it just seems so stupid of me to have spent it on that stuff. And for what? I few moments of wasted time? When I probably should have been doing something more constructive with my time.

Wow, I guess I'm not the one with the stash only. To be honest, I am trying to discard/give away them. It is kinda affecting my mind. You know like this lady's suggestion to remove item that does not spark joy - KonMari, Marie Kondo

Red - How...? I have so many here too. Including alot of backlogs. I have so "much" time now, yet I dont want to play them.

Blue - Indeed, which made me feel that I should effectively use them... but yet i am not.

Orange - Hiaz. Sorry. I cant help to blame myself also.

Green - Indeed, But i dont know what I want... nor there are weird situations that i want to game. Yet i blame myself later.

I hope things get a little better for you, even if it's just a moment at a time.

Thanks. I know it's hard to give yourself credit for things. So I'll help with that, because I do think you doing good with trying. It kind of shows me that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're just feeling overwhelmed. But something has to be figured out soon.

Try to be gentle with yourself - take care

Er this is confusing.

Its like, "this is good" for me? Because to me its all "pains" and "difficulties" and exhausting. All I feel is pains, beating up of myself, and not feeling good.

Yes it is overwhelming, and I keep wanting things to be figured out.

But yet this wise man (sadhguru) mentioned, that it is "cheating" or "match-making" life if you want everything known/planned out/foretelling for the future, so that I will be safe without worrying.

Hiaz, twistedsoul. I think I am looping. But Thanks again for your constant reminder.

@mikenai22 I think they were everything I've ever posted since I've been on here, every checkin, every music post. I'm so glad they got it fixed.

Oh no, it's alot of us. Some of us are just more vocal about it. More caring of the fact. Some people just let things go. But we can't all do that. We work hard for our money, we appreciate it. Which makes it harder to let it go. Even if it's on things we need. Maybe especially if we need it, because then it makes us feel like we shouldn't need it. Like with buying food, the price and cost of everything. I always think that if I didn't have to eat, think of all the money I would save. But I can't not eat, you know? We eat to live.

I think we all feel that way. We are the only one. Which in a way I guess it's sort of true. I mean, your problems are yours and mine are mine. We both know we have our problems, but we feel like we're the only ones with them. Does that make sense? Some people are just better at not letting their emotions rule and dictate them. But we're humans, we are emotional by nature. As I said though some people are just better a dealing with them. But that doesn't make them any better than us or us any less then them. We just have to find some kind of balance. But we have to fix somethings before we can do that.

Yes I 've heard of her, there are days though that if I followed her advice my house would be empty. Because there are days when it seems as though nothing brings me joy. Some of it I think is age, not that we're ancient or anything. But maturing, growing older. How does that saying go about when I became a man I put away childish things. I know because it makes you wonder what you were thinking to spend so much on such things. Hey you're not alone with that, there are alot of times I don't know what I want either. But then I'll watch tv and see a commercial for some new game and it will spark an interest and I catch myself thinking oh wow, I want that. But then I see how many I all ready have and tell myself I don't need it.

I don't really think you're cheating or match making anything about life. Because it's not really like you're looking for a plan. You're looking for answers to why you feel as bad as you do. Answers for why your throat hurts and you have the pains you do. You haven't been feeling good, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know why. Everyone here on 7cups and all the other places, myself included, we're not looking for a plan, we're looking for answers to our pain. It doesn't matter if it's an ED or OCD or depression or anxiety. We all want to know why. You're not wrong for wanting it too. It doesn't make you a bad person or any less than anyone else.

You're welcome, try to be gentle, try to take it easy on yourself. Take care, yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

Today sucked. I probably woke up on the wrong or bad side of bed.

Morning exercise chin-up and run, 100% fail. DNF (Did not finish)

My mind was in a highly fatigue mode. I did not even do anything much yesterday. Not even to say physical.

My mind kept battling if i should workout or change to yoga or something. It just felt... amiss.

Went for run anyways. just half a lap.., or rather while... running, the feelings off. No energy. Less than half a lap, I turned back and went home.

Did yoga instead.

Felt like i lost the battle/streak.

Now kinda bingeing on food.

But felt very nauseated. Like the food is coming back out of my throat.

No idea what is going on. Looks like my system is out of whack.

My back is totally weak and shoulder is in total cramps.

I think they were everything I've ever posted since I've been on here, every checkin, every music post. I'm so glad they got it fixed.

Yea. Like the alert notice mentioned. It was a database migration or some sort. Kind of expected to happen i guess.

Oh no, it's alot of us. Some of us are just more vocal about it. More caring of the fact. Some people just let things go. But we can't all do that. We work hard for our money, we appreciate it. Which makes it harder to let it go. Even if it's on things we need. Maybe especially if we need it, because then it makes us feel like we shouldn't need it. Like with buying food, the price and cost of everything. I always think that if I didn't have to eat, think of all the money I would save. But I can't not eat, you know? We eat to live.

Its probably the way I percieve and receive messages. Plus I over-react to things easily and usually take things to heart. Which in turn allowed my emotions overwhelm me.

Red - I think we tend to overgeneralise ourselves. Which I kinda read about a post yesterday, that I often/very forget. You can read/learn/copy/try any guide or self-help or whatever that others shared. However it does not mean it will definitely work for you in totality. What's most important is that you (or I in this context) should be listening to myself and accepting what's good out of it. And to take the value of the positive and try to instill for my benefits that I want. Not to beat myself over it why this why that.

Blue - Need vs Want vs Emotions - I kind of lost my mind and senses (feel, gut, heart) to it. It is so hard to tell what is going on and make a proper judgement. But like what others suggested, sometimes, you just have to let go. There is no need to justify for everything.

Orange - This is so confusing.

I think we all feel that way. We are the only one. Which in a way I guess it's sort of true. I mean, your problems are yours and mine are mine. We both know we have our problems, but we feel like we're the only ones with them. Does that make sense? Some people are just better at not letting their emotions rule and dictate them. But we're humans, we are emotional by nature. As I said though some people are just better a dealing with them. But that doesn't make them any better than us or us any less then them. We just have to find some kind of balance. But we have to fix somethings before we can do that.

Red - Yes it does. I can understand. My problem is that I dont see it. And I seem to forget about it. Because I allow my mind to take over me, and overwhelm with the problems only. Worse off is the dwelling of it instead of trying to solve it.

Blue - Definitely not me?

Orange - I dont even know what I can do now, nor which should I be fixing first. Its like the "prioritising" mindset machanism is broken in me. Whenever I try to do something it just does not work out. Or I been nagged by others that I did/chose a wrong move.

Yes I 've heard of her, there are days though that if I followed her advice my house would be empty. Because there are days when it seems as though nothing brings me joy. Some of it I think is age, not that we're ancient or anything. But maturing, growing older. How does that saying go about when I became a man I put away childish things. I know because it makes you wonder what you were thinking to spend so much on such things. Hey you're not alone with that, there are alot of times I don't know what I want either. But then I'll watch tv and see a commercial for some new game and it will spark an interest and I catch myself thinking oh wow, I want that. But then I see how many I all ready have and tell myself I don't need it.

Red - Empty!? Scary. Yes, sometimes like seriously the mind is just in total crash. You know, like the computer in BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). No matter how hard i try to reboot it just does not work. (It happened a few times during work too.)

Blue - Confirm? I don't know if it is my blinded one-sided view. But I rather see myself acting more stubbornish and more towards a childish mindset

Orange - Is that true? Because I dont really know myself. The direction, the goals, the intent, what I originally wanted. All seemed missing suddenly. I always thought it is me and the problem lies within, stupidly not having any sense of direction at all. Nor spending any effort to search for it. Dragging day after day in hope that someone will "save" me. - Which never will.

Green - Wow. Great will power you have. I don't. Now my mind is so cluttered with what to do/what to get/what should I be helping myself with next.

I don't really think you're cheating or match making anything about life. Because it's not really like you're looking for a plan. You're looking for answers to why you feel as bad as you do. Answers for why your throat hurts and you have the pains you do. You haven't been feeling good, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know why. Everyone here on 7cups and all the other places, myself included, we're not looking for a plan, we're looking for answers to our pain. It doesn't matter if it's an ED or OCD or depression or anxiety. We all want to know why. You're not wrong for wanting it too. It doesn't make you a bad person or any less than anyone else.

Red - Actually, I believe I am kinda along the lines. Its like a lazy mentality of finding some sort of "quick" fixes. Food must be easy to prepare, cheap, ad-hoc, good enough, etc.

Blue - Hmm. Thank you again for reminder. Somehow I kept losing it, and practically just self-blame.

Orange - Is that.. true? Because its like.. 4 pages close to 5 pages long and over 100+ posts and I think I am still going in circles.

You're welcome, try to be gentle, try to take it easy on yourself. Take care, yeah?

Hiaz. When does it end. I hope its not the last day. - Although that was what the wise guy said.

I wish I could really be gentle and took things easier.

Take care too...

@mikenai22 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let so much time pass. I've been having issues with my anger and now depression seems to have gotten a hold of me.

I sorry you had such a bad day, How are you today? It does sound as though you system is out of whack. Sounds a little like you're dealing with some anxiety and some depression. I'm not sure how but it seems that you can have both at the same time. I seem to go back and forth between the two.

I've been having some problems with over reacting lately too, I'm not sure how to stop it. I like to be in control of myself and it just hasn't been going too well for me. Taking things to heart is another problem for me too or reading into things. It's funny I can actually hear a tone in a text. or a post. It's hard though, isn't it? To not beat yourself up over things, to take the positive out of things and use it for your benefit. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of anything at times, the past, regrets, your thoughts of yourself.

It's hard to get past the dwelling sometimes because things seem so overwhelming. It's hard to find a solution because you can't see past all the problems. I feel that way too.

I guess it is kind of scary, I'm having a hard time finding a whole lot that brings me joy. Definitely a brain crash. I need a new hard drive for mine I think. I can't seem to recover from a major system error.

Yes it's true, I have no idea, none what so ever of what my goals are, what they should be. Maybe I did at one time, but I don't know if I forgot it or if I just deluded myself into thinking I did. I know that there is no one to save me, I know I have to do it myself. Some days I just don't know if I want to any more.

I guess it does seem as though we're going in circles but I think it's just because we haven't found any answers or solutions Maybe with the next time around we will.

I don't know - I truely don't. I guess it ends when we have some answers, some solutions.

Take care of yourself, be gentle - try to anyway.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let so much time pass. I've been having issues with my anger and now depression seems to have gotten a hold of me.

It is ok. You do not have to be sorry about it. To be honest, there is no need to.

You are free to take as much time off, or allow this thread to go history archive.

Do remember that you are free to make your decision to whether 1. login, 2. do something in 7cups, 3. choose this particular thread, 4. even pressing the reply button, 5. considering to even reply something

It is not mandatory.

At the end of the day, we are all human beings with souls.

I sorry you had such a bad day, How are you today? It does sound as though you system is out of whack. Sounds a little like you're dealing with some anxiety and some depression. I'm not sure how but it seems that you can have both at the same time. I seem to go back and forth between the two.

Yea, it is kinda bad. Today is almost somewhere along the lines similar.

Although I completed my run today. But the 2nd lap was mindless running, and it was dragged to the "finish" line.

The mind was totally wandering off.

Anything can happen at any given time. Most importantly is 1. to detect and be aware of it, 2. don't focus or dwell on it 3. to try and come back to the present moment

I've been having some problems with over reacting lately too, I'm not sure how to stop it. I like to be in control of myself and it just hasn't been going too well for me. Taking things to heart is another problem for me too or reading into things. It's funny I can actually hear a tone in a text. or a post. It's hard though, isn't it? To not beat yourself up over things, to take the positive out of things and use it for your benefit. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of anything at times, the past, regrets, your thoughts of yourself.

Red - I see, it must been challenging and difficult for you. I apologise for not being able to recommend or suggest any technics for now

Blue - Sometimes i see it as a practise, habitual or lifestyle that you (me) have self trained over time. Its like something that you slowly build up, perhaps since young or something. Until it becomes natural to you (me). Hence the only way out for this as far as i have learnt from psychologist (or others) is to "retrain" your mind and thoughts to deviate from it and/or perhaps to do something else instead of the current "bad" habits.

It's hard to get past the dwelling sometimes because things seem so overwhelming. It's hard to find a solution because you can't see past all the problems. I feel that way too.

Thanks for understanding and able to explain through the feelings that I am trying to express.

I guess it is kind of scary, I'm having a hard time finding a whole lot that brings me joy. Definitely a brain crash. I need a new hard drive for mine I think. I can't seem to recover from a major system error.

There are multiple times, where I kept "screaming" in my head that "OK Mike, I surrender. Let's reboot, reformat, restart everything again. Do it, otherwise we never move on."

Sometimes I even balantly blurt out the thoughts to others, in hope of some security or comfort or support to go for it. However I did also learnt from somewhere (i kind of forgot where) that it is also not a good idea to "go back to the past or a clean state". Because the problem you are facing now, is resulted/triggered from something from the past. Going back, U-Turn, Reformat without addressing the problem, will just bring you back to it one day.

Anyways, saying all those grown up words, here i am still squatting in my rabbit hole.

Yes it's true, I have no idea, none what so ever of what my goals are, what they should be. Maybe I did at one time, but I don't know if I forgot it or if I just deluded myself into thinking I did. I know that there is no one to save me, I know I have to do it myself. Some days I just don't know if I want to any more.

Red - Perhaps during young, should have. I believe so, because during younger times, the mind is more simplistic and easier going than now.

And yea well, there are times that we over-focused too much, until we are at a never ending path of the endless chase of unknown.

Its only when we take a step back to recollect our thoughts, then you will probably notice.

And lastly yea, the lost of the want. When there was good reasons initially. Its actually moments where we derailed too far.

Not saying that its whose so whatever fault. But such happens time to time to anyone.

I guess it does seem as though we're going in circles but I think it's just because we haven't found any answers or solutions Maybe with the next time around we will.

Red - I'll be happy to know which "next time"

Yesterday, my psychologist highlighted that it was our 15th session. My first initial thought was like... is it a reminder that it is time to get out of the stupid bullshit that is going on? Or should i bring a surprise or cake or whatever during the 99th session.

I don't know - I truely don't. I guess it ends when we have some answers, some solutions.

Take care of yourself, be gentle - try to anyway.

Hm.... I wonder. I even have thoughts if i should get out of the internet for a few days. i.e. airplane mode, radio silence, do what I want at home.

But i dont think i can go off without the computer.

Headache, been on constant dosage on panadols. although it is still within limits.

Meanwhile, while i try to care for myself (which I havent been since, and I am soon... to be fired i wonder...), please lookout for yourself twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 I'm sorry your still having problems with your workouts. I wish I had some advice for you.

It's hard to retrain your brain and your thoughts. You're right, you do need to address the problems of the past, but that is hard also. Sometimes what caused the problem isn't just there, you have to locate it first and it can be something so simple or so complex. It's not just something you can take care of in one or 2 sessions with a therapist. There are some people who end up having to do therapy for years. I recently met someone at an art therapy thing I do on saturdays that has been in therapy for 25 years.

Yeah I think I did when I was young and then life happened. Now I'm just trying to move past the past. But it's a daunting task. When you derail like that it's so hard to get the train back on the tracks.

Me too, my friend, me too.

LOL! I'm sorry maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's funny. I know you don't make any jokes much but that was good!

Try it for a day - see how you feel then. Or try to go as long as you can, see how it makes you feel.

I hope your headache gets better.

I hope you don't get fired, isn't it like a medical leave?

I will Mike, thank you, you take care of yourself, try to be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry your still having problems with your workouts. I wish I had some advice for you.

Dont be sorry. I am the one whom stirred all up in the first place.

It is ok. I think yourself being present here means alot to me. And it is enough.

It's hard to retrain your brain and your thoughts. You're right, you do need to address the problems of the past, but that is hard also. Sometimes what caused the problem isn't just there, you have to locate it first and it can be something so simple or so complex. It's not just something you can take care of in one or 2 sessions with a therapist. There are some people who end up having to do therapy for years. I recently met someone at an art therapy thing I do on saturdays that has been in therapy for 25 years.

In addition, sometimes the problem is just not "addressable" - The next possible solution is only to let go of

But yet again, first have to identify it.

Yea i understand, about the possibility of long term therapy.

Yeah I think I did when I was young and then life happened. Now I'm just trying to move past the past. But it's a daunting task. When you derail like that it's so hard to get the train back on the tracks.

Me too, my friend, me too.

Hate derailment. It just never feels good. And it sucks to clean up the mess. Although sometimes after cleaning up the mess, the satisfaction is great.

LOL! I'm sorry maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's funny. I know you don't make any jokes much but that was good!

Well, its like kind of a reminder that "hey isnt 100th session abit too much?"

Yet if you look at it another perspective, it is also like an achievement..., yet not something to be proud of.

Try it for a day - see how you feel then. Or try to go as long as you can, see how it makes you feel.

Not sure... it just feels scary. The unknown. The what not. The need to report to people. Kind of feeling.

I hope your headache gets better.

It comes and goes. But mostly seemed to be triggered when I am at the computer. Yet it is something that I kinda want to do... yet giving me so much pain.

I hope you don't get fired, isn't it like a medical leave?

No idea. It is a medical leave. Yet I never requested for it.

I will Mike, thank you, you take care of yourself, try to be gentle.

Ok. Good.

I realised something while thinking out.

I never truly cared for myself. Never really did. - I wonder what is, when I will.

@mikenai22 I think identifying the problem can be one of the hardest things, and then to let it go. Sometimes it seems that our problems become part of our identity. It's part of who we are. Letting go of that is hard, because it's like you have to let go of a part of yourself. With letting it go, you end up having to redefine yourself. And long term therapy - I don't want to end up being 60 and still in therapy. I mean theres a good chance I probably will be anyway, I'm just not looking forward to it.

True, it leaves you with a feeling of accomplishment. But the derailment, that can really mess things up. It can crush your spirit.

True, but in a joking spirit, I can picture you walking in with that cake and a banner that says"isn't 100th session a bit too much". True but at the same time, it shows you stuck with it. And I guess if it takes 100 sessions, but you're in a good place, then it is sort of something to be proud of. Dedication to yourself and your mental well being.

It does give you a sense of belonging sort of, that connection. I know I unplug and I do miss it, that social connection, but sometimes I don't want to be social. I end up feeling torn between the two. We are all about technology theses days. I hate to think sometimes what would happen if the internet would crash and we'd be forced to socialize "normally"

I know too much time on computers can cause headaches. Theres this thing called 20-20-20. For every 20 minutes on the computer, take a 20 second break to look at something 20 feet away. And after 2 hours on the computer, you should take a 15 minute break. Too much light can cause headaches from computer use too. Maybe try that 20-20-20 thing, see if that helps.

So your company put you on it? I think thats a good thing. I mean I don't know what the rules are there but here they usually can't fire you if you're on medical leave.

Do you have any idea why you've never cared for yourself? Have you talked to your therapist about it? See if they can maybe help you with that or at least help you figure out and understand why?

Try to be gentle with yourself, take care

@mytwistedsoul

I think identifying the problem can be one of the hardest things, and then to let it go. Sometimes it seems that our problems become part of our identity. It's part of who we are. Letting go of that is hard, because it's like you have to let go of a part of yourself. With letting it go, you end up having to redefine yourself. And long term therapy - I don't want to end up being 60 and still in therapy. I mean theres a good chance I probably will be anyway, I'm just not looking forward to it.

Red - Well said. Very true and explained my mind.

Blue - Something I have been fumbling, and yet having no answers to. Been seeking, asking, searching, googling, checking, hoping, questioning but yet I cant find anything.

Orange - Sometimes I wished, everything is just over. So I can "continue" and move on.

Green - Remember about what I mentioned earlier about, how to treat yourself with the advice that you will give a friend in need of the same situation?

True, it leaves you with a feeling of accomplishment. But the derailment, that can really mess things up. It can crush your spirit.

Yea. It does. While I was still in my hectic days at work, this was the issue. The spirit was very low. The team was dragged down even lower. To make things worse, the team's (management + colleagues) behaviour and responses (repeatly) made me felt way lower.

The last part, I don't really know how to express it out to them. I felt very bad, and difficult to say it out to them that it is affecting me very badly. Cause its like we are a team, and should kind of "struggle" through together and make ends meet.

True, but in a joking spirit, I can picture you walking in with that cake and a banner that says"isn't 100th session a bit too much". True but at the same time, it shows you stuck with it. And I guess if it takes 100 sessions, but you're in a good place, then it is sort of something to be proud of. Dedication to yourself and your mental well being.

Red - Wow. Never once I ever thought of it that way. I wonder how or what made you be able to appreciate and think of it in that manner. That's quite a good positive thought.

It does give you a sense of belonging sort of, that connection. I know I unplug and I do miss it, that social connection, but sometimes I don't want to be social. I end up feeling torn between the two. We are all about technology theses days. I hate to think sometimes what would happen if the internet would crash and we'd be forced to socialize "normally"

Actually I despise being in a social situation.

This is very stubborn mindset and mentality of mine. Nothing is right nor wrong about it. But rather it has given me way too many problems when dealing with sticky situations. Or when situations where socialising is required.

Heck in addition, everyone needs some form of socialising. I cant even face my family sometimes.

I have been wondering somewhat similar too. which was what I have been thinking about the airplane being off the radar for a few days.

I know too much time on computers can cause headaches. Theres this thing called 20-20-20. For every 20 minutes on the computer, take a 20 second break to look at something 20 feet away. And after 2 hours on the computer, you should take a 15 minute break. Too much light can cause headaches from computer use too. Maybe try that 20-20-20 thing, see if that helps.

Hmm, i tried many weird methods to help distract myself off. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt.

So far the only thing that drags me out is

- time

- food

- pains (i.e. calves, shoulder, core, head, etc.)

So your company put you on it? I think thats a good thing. I mean I don't know what the rules are there but here they usually can't fire you if you're on medical leave.

Company doctor. Anyways I have less than 14 days left.

What's worse. I did not manage to accomplish/do what HR recommended

(Most important in order)

1. Self-Care, ONLY STRICTLY Care everything 100% for yourself.

2. Self thoughts/reflections on how/what you want to do in life

3. Job Hunt/Research/Interview trials

4. Volunteer, Learn/Try New Skills, Pick up courses

Do you have any idea why you've never cared for yourself? Have you talked to your therapist about it? See if they can maybe help you with that or at least help you figure out and understand why?

Red - No idea. I find it challenging. Something in my mind seems to be overridding it. That's how i felt.

Blue - Yes, I always wanted to. But was always overwhelmed with the discussion set by them which is often derailed by me. And in the last burst of 1-3 mins, then talk about my topic which is too late.

Orange - I'm not sure about this. Its like they did mentioned something before about they cannot help to figure out and understand the issues. But rather their roles is more towards understanding and opening up of oneself. Such that the person can assess if he/she can somehow link the issues to the current problems being faced. Although some problems maybe can be discussed and addressed. But whether therapist can truly... help to figure out solutions... I'm not that sure of.

I probably commented this way in Orange probabaly because and due to my past experiences with them... that resulted this way - the negative mindset.

Try to be gentle with yourself, take care

Will try... Now I am not already.. I kinda woke up and "refuse" to continue sleeping. Kinda find it difficult to.

@mikenai22 I know what you mean. I've been doing the same thing. I mean, I have an idea of what I want but I'm unsure how to achieve it. I think because like you, I've been searching for that quick fix. I know there is none but the idea of all the hard work to get there is overwhelming. I don't, maybe that means I'm lazy. I do remember you saying that, but just like you - I have a hard time following my own advice.

Ah - I understand. There is no I in Team. Kind of - together we stand - divided we fall. They should have stood with you instead of making you feel work and basically isolating you. They shouldn't have done that to you, it's not right.

Honestly - You and I have been "talking" on here for quite a while now and I know you have been trying to set things right with yourself. I know you don't see it, but I do. To me it's the trying that matters, not the things that didn't work.

This is the only place I socialize. I don't do facebook, or twitter or whatever else is out there. I don't have friends to hang out with . I've probably mentioned before that in real life people make me nervous.

Hmm - I'm not sure then. I'll have to see if I can come up with other distraction ideas.

Oh - I didn't realize they issued a time limit. But surely the fact that you're seeing a therapist has to count for something. Because if self care is first on their list - in my mind it kind of cancels out the rest of their list. A loop hole. and you have been doing the second thing. You and I have discussed it a number of times.

Wow it just doesn't seem right that they're guiding the discussions. They should be letting you take it in the direction you want. Because with them doing it, it just seems counter - productive. Because how are you supposed to open up about anything if you're not discussing the thing that are important to you? Idk - maybe it's me and I don't understand. I mean my therapist has a small plan on what he'd like to do during our sessions but he's completely ok if it doesn't happen. And ok so they don't have actual solutions - like if you do A and B, you'll get to C. Although I can understand your negative feeling towards them. Tbh - if that's how they've been doing thing - I can't say I blame you. I'm sorry I don't have any clear advice for you. But I do have a tendency to give things alot of thought through out the day so -

It's ok - I've been having people tell me lately, that it's ok to not be ok. But do try to be gentle with yourself, that's all I or anyone else can ask of you - that you try.

@mytwistedsoul

I know what you mean. I've been doing the same thing. I mean, I have an idea of what I want but I'm unsure how to achieve it. I think because like you, I've been searching for that quick fix. I know there is none but the idea of all the hard work to get there is overwhelming. I don't, maybe that means I'm lazy. I do remember you saying that, but just like you - I have a hard time following my own advice.

I dont really know what or how to reply you. But yea. You're on point.

Ah - I understand. There is no I in Team. Kind of - together we stand - divided we fall. They should have stood with you instead of making you feel work and basically isolating you. They shouldn't have done that to you, it's not right.

No idea about that. But I have heard comments from my management that the team has feedback to management about me. Messages like they have tried their best, giving me advices, help, etc. But it is me who has resisted strongly or not taking their "recommendations" or "well thoughts". I do not deny the fact. It is the truth.

Honestly - You and I have been "talking" on here for quite a while now and I know you have been trying to set things right with yourself. I know you don't see it, but I do. To me it's the trying that matters, not the things that didn't work.

Red - I wonder if I ever put in any effort or not. Or I am just "waiting" for something to happen. Which never did. All I know is something is definitely wrong, and I am just simply dragging.

This is the only place I socialize. I don't do facebook, or twitter or whatever else is out there. I don't have friends to hang out with . I've probably mentioned before that in real life people make me nervous.

Hmm - I'm not sure then. I'll have to see if I can come up with other distraction ideas.

I see. It must be difficult and challenging for you and yes you did mentioned before.

Do take your time to explore. Don't rule out everything immediately.

Oh - I didn't realize they issued a time limit. But surely the fact that you're seeing a therapist has to count for something. Because if self care is first on their list - in my mind it kind of cancels out the rest of their list. A loop hole. and you have been doing the second thing. You and I have discussed it a number of times.

Its like, the period of the MC that is given and they will arrange for a follow up review soon I guess.

No idea what counts to be honest.

I have no idea what I am doing honestly. Felt like nothing accomplished, wasted time, etc.

Wow it just doesn't seem right that they're guiding the discussions. They should be letting you take it in the direction you want. Because with them doing it, it just seems counter - productive. Because how are you supposed to open up about anything if you're not discussing the thing that are important to you? Idk - maybe it's me and I don't understand. I mean my therapist has a small plan on what he'd like to do during our sessions but he's completely ok if it doesn't happen. And ok so they don't have actual solutions - like if you do A and B, you'll get to C. Although I can understand your negative feeling towards them. Tbh - if that's how they've been doing thing - I can't say I blame you. I'm sorry I don't have any clear advice for you. But I do have a tendency to give things alot of thought through out the day so -

Sometimes I feel it is ok. Since it is way better than me walking in blindly.. with nothing to talk about. But sometimes when I made up my mind, i was being "pushed" away. which kinda sucked, worse off the timing per session is limited. Which often makes things "rushing"

But you see something in addtion about is that even if we said or feel that It is "important" to us. They may feel that it is not. Because we "overthink" or generalised it too much that it deviates our main issue.

It's ok - I've been having people tell me lately, that it's ok to not be ok. But do try to be gentle with yourself, that's all I or anyone else can ask of you - that you try.

Thanks twistedsoul.

Its just that, this "gentle" thing. Its probably too long?

I dunno. I wonder when I can get over it.

Its like me... now doing nothing, waiting for unknown. The day to be over?

Trying to find a game, yet cant.

Either too dizzy, too challenging, too boring, no meaning, no fullfillment, etc.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I wish I had some advice to tell you. It must have been hard to hear those comments. Whether it was the truth or not.

I look at the trying with going to the doctor, doing the blood work, the follow up and seeing the therapist. You could have said no to all of the that but you didn't. That takes effort to just keep appointments.

I guess that must make you a little nervous not knowing what's going to happen and what to expect. If they were to give you a list or a routine to follow, would you be able to do it? Sorry that sound like a stupid question and I'm not really sure where I was going with it. I guess I just find it easier to follow instructions like that rather then be left on my own to figure that stuff out. Because it's hard to figure out what they want.

My therapist - well we have a times limit but it's not set in stone. If it needs to go over, he's ok with it. And he aways asks if theres something I want to talk about before we get down to other things.

It's - idk - Basically a reminder to not let your thoughts get you down or to dwell on them and give up hope. I actually started saying it because of self harm, but it works on a lot of levels. NOt beating yourself up because you're not where you think you should be, or because your frustrated because you aren't feeling better. Has anyone suppested anything for depression?

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Hey. Are you ok?

I kinda almost on the verge of stopping to check back, since there was no updates. - Don't be sorry first of all. I believe you have your reasons. Plus there is no obligation for you to respond either.

Me, well, number of things happened.

One side of my cheekbone swelled. Which usually recovers within the hour, but this time it did not after 24 hours. Went to a GP, but was not helpful. End up decided to suck up and go for A&E. It was not the severe kind, but the numbing pain was very disturbing to deal with each minute that passes by.

Anyways, that's that, have to wait for specialist to follow up. Nothing I can do for now.

Went for a few follow ups also, kinda "not happy". Dietitian, New Psychologist, etc...

I wish I had some advice to tell you. It must have been hard to hear those comments. Whether it was the truth or not.

It is ok. Everyone one of us definitely wishes to have some sort of answers or advice for everything. Isn't that what we are searching for? Sometimes the truth is hard to accept, but it is what it is until it comes to a point where you/me/anyone just have to accept it.

I look at the trying with going to the doctor, doing the blood work, the follow up and seeing the therapist. You could have said no to all of the that but you didn't. That takes effort to just keep appointments.

Well, It was difficult and effort and strain to just go for them.

Plus to repeat again and again in hope for some understanding from either one of them was not easy.

Nevertheless, I have discussed with my family that I will be dropping most of them. It was too confusing and unbearable. Should my company feel that I were to be not suitable for the company, I can only... think of as so be it.

I can't seem to push anything anymore.

I guess that must make you a little nervous not knowing what's going to happen and what to expect. If they were to give you a list or a routine to follow, would you be able to do it? Sorry that sound like a stupid question and I'm not really sure where I was going with it. I guess I just find it easier to follow instructions like that rather then be left on my own to figure that stuff out. Because it's hard to figure out what they want.

It is actually nerve-wreaking and trumatising.Should they give me a list of routines to follow, I may be able to follow within my limits, and perhaps within comfort also. (Shit I dozed off. Sorry. This has been happening a few times for the past weeks. Any type of meal, large, small, simple, complext, also the same results)

it is definitely easier to follow "instructions" because you kinda know the in and out of a given requirements/instructions, plus additional boost if you know how to perform the instructions as it will be much easier to achieve.

I thought the first should be easier to figure out and achieve?

They want - Usually a given set of instructions, without a more detailed instruction will certainly confuse. But usually an instruction is likely derivable to a conclusion or outcome. Isn't this a "they" want?

I (You) want - This is way trickier as first you have to even have an intent first, which usually determines what you wanna out of it. Then i guess you work backwards which gives you the breakdown of instructions?

My therapist - well we have a times limit but it's not set in stone. If it needs to go over, he's ok with it. And he aways asks if theres something I want to talk about before we get down to other things.

That's nice. Its better to let things flow naturally, than rush here and there.

Mine... hiaz, usually have to pay extra. Plus usually near the ending is also where both of us feels very lethargic and things start to slow down... or never even register properly.

It's - idk - Basically a reminder to not let your thoughts get you down or to dwell on them and give up hope. I actually started saying it because of self harm, but it works on a lot of levels. NOt beating yourself up because you're not where you think you should be, or because your frustrated because you aren't feeling better. Has anyone suppested anything for depression?

Well, everyone has their coping methods and technique on anything. Just have to figure out only. No one method that works for all.

Plus if you recall, i often forget things that we/I discussed with yourself, anyone, professionals

Not really much, other than coming back to the breath kind of mindfulness. Its all about coming to the present moment and not think about past and/or future.

Take care

Thanks twistedsoul. - I besure to also be mindful about gentleness. - Though i havent been.

I kinda have a few days left, before needing to go back.. I wonder what will happen and if i can still manage.

@mikenai22 I kind of wasn't but, I'm better now. Thank you for asking.

Wow that does sound good at all. It sounds like it's happened before? Swollen and numb? I hope they figure it out soon. That would be kind of scary. Did they give you any idea of what would cause it? You don't have to answer of course.

I know, keeping appointments and following through with them is difficult. Especially when you're at a point where it just seems like a waste of time effort and money. Well, I hope that your company will be understanding about how things work with people. I know it's probably doubtful but we can't just be told to do things and wow we're healed. It would be nice if it was that easy but it's not.

WHat if you wrote your own instructions/ directions to follow. I know that probably sounds stupid. But you could do up something with in your abilities. You have a general idea of what they want, you could even have a few things in there that would kind of give you some challenges. Kind of like a spreadsheet for life. I guess more of a daily to do list. I have one, to help me remember what needs to be done, it's kind of nice to check things off and see the list finished at the end of the day. Although sometimes things don't get done and I will admit it bothers me when that happens, but it helps me be accountable to myself.

I'm having trouble with just focusing on the present myself. Worried about the future but kind of stuck in the past. But I need to heal from my past to move towards a clearer future. I know that all the professionals say about staying in the present but I can't help but think about that not everything works for everyone. Sometimes there are things we just need to do and if the past is whats causing the problem well then you need to do something with it. You have to work through it so that you can put it to rest.

I hope you can find some peace today my friend. Even if it's just a little. Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

@mytwistedsoul

I kind of wasn't but, I'm better now. Thank you for asking.

Ok. Good to hear that you are better now.

Wow that does sound good at all. It sounds like it's happened before? Swollen and numb? I hope they figure it out soon. That would be kind of scary. Did they give you any idea of what would cause it? You don't have to answer of course.

It did, just that usually it subsides within minutes or the hour when i massage it. And usually the most it just happen once a month or so. I'm guessing when I over think about stuffs too much or something.

No idea. Need to see some plastic surgeon next week. I hope no... major stuff. Nor operation... I dont want a scar on my face.

I know, keeping appointments and following through with them is difficult. Especially when you're at a point where it just seems like a waste of time effort and money. Well, I hope that your company will be understanding about how things work with people. I know it's probably doubtful but we can't just be told to do things and wow we're healed. It would be nice if it was that easy but it's not.

Red - Probably my mind is more stuck on this. Time well, yea might be soon when work resumes.

Blue - Well, perhaps different perspective from different people. Plus mental health maybe misunderstood as a medical condition that could be fixed "easily" by medications, follow-ups, therapy, etc.? I duno... perhaps that's what they are thinking. However I should not judge others.

WHat if you wrote your own instructions/ directions to follow. I know that probably sounds stupid. But you could do up something with in your abilities. You have a general idea of what they want, you could even have a few things in there that would kind of give you some challenges. Kind of like a spreadsheet for life. I guess more of a daily to do list. I have one, to help me remember what needs to be done, it's kind of nice to check things off and see the list finished at the end of the day. Although sometimes things don't get done and I will admit it bothers me when that happens, but it helps me be accountable to myself.

Red - Wow wow wow? Never thought of that? Wait, doesnt that sound abit like a "plan your to-dos"? This sounds abit like what I am struggling.

Blue - Opps. I never read to the end of paragraph. Sorry.

But sometimes i feel i procrastine more than I get them done sometimes... I dont really know why.

And i just let them keep dwelling in my mind and irritate me.

I'm having trouble with just focusing on the present myself. Worried about the future but kind of stuck in the past. But I need to heal from my past to move towards a clearer future. I know that all the professionals say about staying in the present but I can't help but think about that not everything works for everyone. Sometimes there are things we just need to do and if the past is whats causing the problem well then you need to do something with it. You have to work through it so that you can put it to rest.

It is, there is no such thing as one solution for all.

The only thing that everyone kept saying is, to keep on trying and never stop.

It works or not, is only "findable" or "seekable" only if you did try. Otherwise, you probably be in the unknown and stucked in that position forever.

Which is mike (me) right now in that state. - Although many kept pointing out to me that I have been doing minor stuffs or changes and trying out. Yet I cant seem them as progress, cause it is too painful or perhaps my mind just writes it off.

I hope you can find some peace today my friend. Even if it's just a little. Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

Nope, none at all. Totally sluggish day. I don't know if it is due to run, food, body, mind, or what.

Thank you, twistedsoul. I hope you do well too.

Remember that if you dont feel good. Dont have to reply.

Perhaps in time, we can mindfully reply ourselves in our minds till we don't need to check-in to help/aid/chat with each other. - Although its good to have a buddy to talk to.

@mikenai22 It still amazes me the things that stress can do.

Oh wow, I hope it's nothing serious too. Although I can't say a whole lot about facial scars myself. I mean they're not huge or anything, just there.

Mental health is definitely misunderstood. Some people think it's an excuse, others think it's an easy fix. Others still think you should just be able to let things go and move on. It's hard not to judge people when things like that happen. I'm guilty of it too.

It's ok to have moments where you put things off. We all do it. I think the best way is to get the hardest stuff done first, when you still feel a little more energetic. But things can be switched around and tailered to your abilities although there might be times when you have to push yourself a little. There's times when I dwell on the things I didn't get done. BUt I try to remember theres always tomorrow.

Lol - I had to chuckle here a little because you just told me what I tell you. Sorry - I mean no disrespect. It's just - we know this stuff, we just don't know how to apply it, for what ever reason. We have the knowledge but not the tools, I guess. It's hard to see the little things as progress because to us it's not enough. We want big - earth shattering big. Things you can't help but notice. Even my therapist says it's good to celebrate the little victories because they all add up. Like a tally sheet. A point for this and a point for that.

Thank you Mike. It is nice to have a buddy to talk to. Even if I do pop off for a few days here and there. I won't forget you and leave you hanging.

I hope this day treats you a little more kindly. Be gentle - take care

@mytwistedsoul

It still amazes me the things that stress can do.

I know what many said before, about how we need abit of stress sometimes to help movtivate and "nudge" us through things. Otherwise things just never gets done.

There is something called "good stress" and "bad stress". Sometimes I think maybe it is some kind of perception?

Oh wow, I hope it's nothing serious too. Although I can't say a whole lot about facial scars myself. I mean they're not huge or anything, just there.

The word scar, being there means it is like some sort of battlescar. And it also mean that it will be "permanent" to a certain extent? Although it can be some form of teaching or memory or bad inducing thoughts in future to remind "yourself" of the stupid/sinful/bad things you have done to yourself.

Mental health is definitely misunderstood. Some people think it's an excuse, others think it's an easy fix. Others still think you should just be able to let things go and move on. It's hard not to judge people when things like that happen. I'm guilty of it too.

Guess so. I think perhaps this is where (we) should be concentrating to fight our own battles more than focusing on others or what they think/judge of? I believe that mental health is probably not the only topic that is commonly underjudged? Maybe perhaps every single toic has their in-depth to it. Just maybe to a different level that how to each person look at it.

It's ok to have moments where you put things off. We all do it. I think the best way is to get the hardest stuff done first, when you still feel a little more energetic. But things can be switched around and tailered to your abilities although there might be times when you have to push yourself a little. There's times when I dwell on the things I didn't get done. BUt I try to remember theres always tomorrow.

Red - I feel that I cant. Because the moment I do it. I will likely 99% repeat it again and again. Its like giving myself more opportunities since i broke the chain record. Then it becomes like a procrastination thing where nothing gets done.

Blue - Haha, this will depend on individual preference. Its like perhaps what to you felt more critical and must be done? For me, sometimes I feel rather is trying to clear something that I need/want to do, especially when I am "unclean" i.e. need to go shower after exercise/kitchen/etc. Only this is like a golden period for me to do stuffs that I commonly hold back. i.e. room cleanup, sweep, reorganise, wash fans, move desks, shift or move something that I wanted to try, etc.

Green - This is almost similar to "Red" highlight. The moment I tell myself such, the mind will just approve automatically without hesitation (usually automatically, no questions or thoughts). Given this one chance, any other things will just subsequently follows.
Poor mental strength of mine.

Lol - I had to chuckle here a little because you just told me what I tell you. Sorry - I mean no disrespect. It's just - we know this stuff, we just don't know how to apply it, for what ever reason. We have the knowledge but not the tools, I guess. It's hard to see the little things as progress because to us it's not enough. We want big - earth shattering big. Things you can't help but notice. Even my therapist says it's good to celebrate the little victories because they all add up. Like a tally sheet. A point for this and a point for that.

Its ok, dont need to be sorry. Just kinda happened. I find myself replying statement by statement much more easier to focus and explained easier than absorbing the entire "paragraph" or "text" and thinking how to reply in a organised summaried easily understood without missing any points.

Progress - Perhaps it is perception again? I duno. Or it could be how (we) trained the mind to think and behave the way that we dont want to notice them.

Thank you Mike. It is nice to have a buddy to talk to. Even if I do pop off for a few days here and there. I won't forget you and leave you hanging.

Thanks again. Really truly. I can't find any or better solutions for someone to talk/chat with. At least for now.

I think it is pointless to keep "thanking" - Its like you see how many times we have exchanged - "Thank you twistedsoul/mike", "Sorry twistedsoul/mike" - Kinda feel weird yet awkward sometimes

Perhaps wishing that to each both of us to have a better path or partner or friend or buddy or whatever to really be able to commit/dedicate to or just a companion. I duno... is it better that way? I been wondering if truly, seriously how much I/you can depend on 7cups. Its like the server, services, whatever will cease to function one day.

I hope this day treats you a little more kindly. Be gentle - take care

Sorry twistedsoul - See??? It happened again. When i just on the topic.

Anyways, today sucked. I read too many stuffs, about those again.

Thinking about this and that.

Poor diet again... I think.

No idea. Workout sucked. I kept wanting to push. Felt so "wanting" to run. But the body kept fighting back.

Thank you for the well wishes. I too hope for a good day for you.

@mikenai22 I'm kind of working this post from bottom to top.

I know you said your work out sucked yesterday, was it any better today? I got told off sort of (gently though) that I need to eat more regular meals. Thinking - I do that alot. About everything. Small stuff - big stuff. It's not always in loops- it's scattered alot too. Thinking about one thing will take me down another path and so on. But it messes with my concentration and focus. Im not sure maybe I'm just daydreaming.

I do think that alot of things do come down to perception. Because most of everything is how we see thing. Our point of view. Our victories are once again based on perception. I had someone point out and ask me if I could see how big of a victory something was. I did and I didn't, because I expected more. I wanted to look and see that I was farther than I was.

I do the same thing a lot. Things need to be done - now. And I'll catch myself hurrying through it and then there are mistakes and screw ups. So I'm trying to be a little more mindful with that. Because if I take my time doing something - in the long run it takes less time to do because I don't have to fix the mistakes.

Yeah stress can be a good motivator. Too much though is just overwhelming. It's hard to find a balance between the two. Because we over think things. That's a hard cycle to break. Sometimes distractions don't help. You get caught in that thought loop.

Hey - take care. Hope the weekend is good for you.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm kind of working this post from bottom to top.

I know you said your work out sucked yesterday, was it any better today? I got told off sort of (gently though) that I need to eat more regular meals. Thinking - I do that alot. About everything. Small stuff - big stuff. It's not always in loops- it's scattered alot too. Thinking about one thing will take me down another path and so on. But it messes with my concentration and focus. Im not sure maybe I'm just daydreaming.

I kinda forced myself to go run today. Since yesterday missed out.

But my father came back home during mid-night... totally no breathing space... hiaz.

To be honest, I dont really know about the quality today. It was a slow jog only kind of. But I can only say that it was struggling to complete. and maybe at least the difference is that I managed to complete it.

But now I am feeling very painful at the calves (which already was) and the knee joints started to hurt.

Maybe try giving yourself a break time to time - Whenever you find yourself thinking too much?

I know it wont be easy. And easily forgotten and easily just blindly will loop and loop with your pains.

But nothing gona change... unless you try something?

If it does not work out, nothing to lose either. at least you tried something.

I do think that alot of things do come down to perception. Because most of everything is how we see thing. Our point of view. Our victories are once again based on perception. I had someone point out and ask me if I could see how big of a victory something was. I did and I didn't, because I expected more. I wanted to look and see that I was farther than I was.

It is actually. But often, we are blinded/clouded easily because of many different factors. i.e. influences, media, personal thoughts (negative ones maybe, or selfish reasons, or whatever) which then causes the blindness. Hence its only when we "force" ourselves to take a step back. Or someone from a neutral position gave you their perspective. Then you will kinda like "AHA!" why didn't I noticed it. Should have done that... Kind of thing.

But type, talk, chat, whatever is easy. Its always the training and "re-training" and willing to try to change that will only help.

Yes another thing is expectations. This is a major setback for me. Mine is always way to imaginative. WIshed I could suggest something. But something I do know is that we as humans, or at least to management. We just always ask for more. Never less.

Hence the self-judgement is usually like oh, i did not perform that well or as expected. But actually when seen from a neutral point. It is totally so different.

I do the same thing a lot. Things need to be done - now. And I'll catch myself hurrying through it and then there are mistakes and screw ups. So I'm trying to be a little more mindful with that. Because if I take my time doing something - in the long run it takes less time to do because I don't have to fix the mistakes.

Great to hear that you are trying - Perhaps can ignore what I mentioned/suggested above.

Nah, dont focus on the saving time first. - Although you can use it as a self-perk as a achievement.

But rather the main focus is train/learn to be more mindful at times. Once this is better managed and maybe mastered. Can start focusing on the rest. Otherwise... later also forget what being mindful for was in the first place.

Yeah stress can be a good motivator. Too much though is just overwhelming. It's hard to find a balance between the two. Because we over think things. That's a hard cycle to break. Sometimes distractions don't help. You get caught in that thought loop.

I hate this.

Hey - take care. Hope the weekend is good for you.

Thank you. You too take care please.

@mikenai22 Have your run's been any better? I know it's been a few days since we talked. And your joints - are they still as sore? Stress can make things hurt too. I know I have days when it seems like everything hurts and no amount of pain killers seems to help. It's a shame you lost that breathing space. I know you said before that you have a harder time when he's home.

We do set high expectations for everything. Ourselves - others - what we want - life. Pretty much everything we want or do has higher expectations then are probably realistic. We as humans are horrible when it comes to self - judgment. I don't think anyone is mre critical of us as we are ourselves. We are often our worst enemies. You with your excercises - I know you're doing the best you can at the moment - but I also know that you're expecting more of yourself. sorry maybe that sounds wrong. But celebrate that little victory of completeing your run. Maybe it wasn't what you wanted it to be but you did finish it.

Sometimes being patient and taking your time can be rewarding in it's self. I'm trying to find some enjoyment in the woodwork again. Letting the wood tell me what it wants to be instead of forcing it to be what I want it to be. Same with myself I guess. Maybe with yourself too. With trying to celebrate those little victories. You really have made some amazing steps forward - with therapy and the appointments. Hopefully with time the answers will be found. I have hope for you.

I hope you have a good night- Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Have your run's been any better? I know it's been a few days since we talked. And your joints - are they still as sore? Stress can make things hurt too. I know I have days when it seems like everything hurts and no amount of pain killers seems to help. It's a shame you lost that breathing space. I know you said before that you have a harder time when he's home.

No hasn't been. actually went worse. Only yesterday's run i managed to squeeze out a full run, and surprisingly an extra small lap at the park. - Not sure what gave that extra push. But the entire run was very painfully lethargic. except the ending part.

What's worse off, was the rest of the day, the calves and knee joints hurt like hell. I could not even sit or walk much.

But what I noticed was i could not feel so much of the pain when i walked compared to standing and sitting.

Yea, it sucks man. Its the fourth day striaght, and I have to face reality soon. Oh well. It kinda sucks, when such issues happen.

We do set high expectations for everything. Ourselves - others - what we want - life. Pretty much everything we want or do has higher expectations then are probably realistic. We as humans are horrible when it comes to self - judgment. I don't think anyone is mre critical of us as we are ourselves. We are often our worst enemies. You with your excercises - I know you're doing the best you can at the moment - but I also know that you're expecting more of yourself. sorry maybe that sounds wrong. But celebrate that little victory of completeing your run. Maybe it wasn't what you wanted it to be but you did finish it.

Can I take some moment to think about what you mentioned?

We are often our worst enemies. - mytwistedsoul

Perhaps, you are right. I never even gave one bit of grace to myself. Not even noticing that small bit of victory. But only see the overall picture. Perhaps my mind has been cluttered with the corporate management lifestyle where numbers and time and effectiveness are key.

Sometimes being patient and taking your time can be rewarding in it's self. I'm trying to find some enjoyment in the woodwork again. Letting the wood tell me what it wants to be instead of forcing it to be what I want it to be. Same with myself I guess. Maybe with yourself too. With trying to celebrate those little victories. You really have made some amazing steps forward - with therapy and the appointments. Hopefully with time the answers will be found. I have hope for you.

Think the problem with myself is that I am impatient and want to see results. And if something does not give the "right" result, i will either dwell or not even want to try.

Thank you for reminding me again, somehow, somewhat I kept sweeping it aside. and forget those moments.

I hope you have a good night- Take care

Thank you twistedsoul. You too.

@mikenai22 It's really weird that your joints would hurt more with sitting or standing than with walking. Are they swollen or anything? Or just stiff and sore? Is it just in your legs? Or do other joints hurt? Sorry - you know me and all my questions. It's just - I mean you can't just keep walking. Does soaking or putting ice or cold wraps help any? Or pain relievers? Or like maybe a linament? And 4 days straight - man that really sucks. Ok so this question might sound weird but do your big toe joints hurt or are they swollen?

It's hard to see the little victories when you have your sight set on the big picture. Kind of like being so set on the destination, that you don't enjoy the scenery, all the little stops along the way. Which I know somethime it really sucks because you just want to get where you're going. But it's along trip, we need to get some enjoyment out of it. Of at least try to.

I know you're impatient, my friend, I understand. I really do. You have been fighting all these things for a while and still not getting the answers you seek. You want immediate results. That's understandable too. Sometimes though good things take time. Things don't grow over night. Houses aren't built in a day. They take time. And of course with no immediate results we get the thoughs of why am I even trying. But at the same time you need to remember - everything we've done since we came into the world has taken time. Persistancy was the key. Hey I am more than happy to help remind you of how far you've come. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to truly see things.

I hope you have a good day and that you can find something to ease your pain.

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

It's really weird that your joints would hurt more with sitting or standing than with walking. Are they swollen or anything? Or just stiff and sore? Is it just in your legs? Or do other joints hurt? Sorry - you know me and all my questions. It's just - I mean you can't just keep walking. Does soaking or putting ice or cold wraps help any? Or pain relievers? Or like maybe a linament? And 4 days straight - man that really sucks. Ok so this question might sound weird but do your big toe joints hurt or are they swollen?

Which was very puzzling to me. I duno why... maybe poor blood circulation or something all stuck at the bottom (i.e. I'm like dozing off while typing this. I duno why... I just woke up after yoga + bathe + coffee) Or maybe its the chair or something. But I've tried so many different variants of chairs.. hiaz. Worse off is that standing does not help either. Need to walk... hiaz.. I'm like a goner.

Doctors, don't even bother about it when i asked. I even seeked TCM, which only did basic massage what does not truly help. I dont really think it swell though. But stuff wise yes, especially the muscles, and some on the bones. Joints wise its the knees. Yes mostly at the bottom body only. Other than the usual body exhaustion i.e. arms, core muscles, back, unable to sit upright, etc.

Yes, the walking thing is very irritating, its like I'm kinda tired in the mind, yet, I still wanna go for a chill walk or something. i.e. i even took the extra mile instead of taking public transport to supermarket. despite having one nearby (downstairs) I still yet, walked far away to just cover some distance.

No i never really tried those wraps or whatever. Muscle creams ointments, dont truly work for me anymore. Its only the menthol effect only. Nah, paracetomol stuffs aint doing good.

Nope, no issues with toes or whatever. Just the calves, lower shin area, and knee

It's hard to see the little victories when you have your sight set on the big picture. Kind of like being so set on the destination, that you don't enjoy the scenery, all the little stops along the way. Which I know somethime it really sucks because you just want to get where you're going. But it's along trip, we need to get some enjoyment out of it. Of at least try to.

(I'm sorry) - Although it is not the fault of yours.

I can comprehend the small steps that leads to the final goal/destination despite the tough roads or diversions to take. But... my sight or mind has been so singlely blind sided.

Any small setback or whatever is enough to just make me feel... out of place or demoralised.

I know you're impatient, my friend, I understand. I really do. You have been fighting all these things for a while and still not getting the answers you seek. You want immediate results. That's understandable too. Sometimes though good things take time. Things don't grow over night. Houses aren't built in a day. They take time. And of course with no immediate results we get the thoughs of why am I even trying. But at the same time you need to remember - everything we've done since we came into the world has taken time. Persistancy was the key. Hey I am more than happy to help remind you of how far you've come. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to truly see things.

Red - I understand. But i always forget about it. And very/many times I missed out the small blocks and paths that I actually laid out.

Thanks for your help - seriously. I doubt anyone or whoever has such amount of strength and stamina like yours to keep up for so long. My colleagues at work already gave up on me... - I dont really blame them at all.

I hope you have a good day and that you can find something to ease your pain.

Take care

Well.. I don't know... of any more solutions other than bearing with it.

Thanks twistedsoul. Take care of yourself too.

@mikenai22 I was looking into things a little and poor circulations pretty much covers every symptom you've been having. Digestion, fatigue, brain fog, joint pain and muscle cramps. I mean it's not set in stong of course but i could check a few off.

I can't believe your doctors don't look into it more. I mean they should be checking out all sorts of stuff to be an idea of what's going on. You shouldn't feel so tired all of the time. It just doesn't make any sense.

And with the walking now. Your mind is tired but your body's saying lets go. Do you feel anxious or are you just compelled to walk? Like an urge to do it or something.

I was thinking with the pain in your knee joints that maybe gout? I mean it can bother your knee's too but from what I understand it usually starts in your big toes. I really didn't think the linaments would work. Like you said - it's just the menthol.

With all that's going on, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. It's not hard to get to a point where everything feels like it's personal. Your self esteem is taking a major hit. We need to figure out what we can do to give it a boost.

It's easy to forget that it takes time - because it's has taken time - now you want some results. I don't blame you.

Hey No problem - I just wish I had some actual answers for you. I can understand the colleagues but at the same time, I can't help but feel they could have stuck by you a little. It's alittle disappointing.

My day is slowly coming to a close and your's is soon beginning - I hope you have a better day.

Take care

I

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry, kinda struggled to pull some energy to reply.

I was looking into things a little and poor circulations pretty much covers every symptom you've been having. Digestion, fatigue, brain fog, joint pain and muscle cramps. I mean it's not set in stong of course but i could check a few off.

looked like i have troubled you abit. Thanks so much for taking time to look into it. Stuffs that I read before i.e. andrenal fatigue, anxiety, depression, malnutrition, etc... Not sure what you found though.

I can't believe your doctors don't look into it more. I mean they should be checking out all sorts of stuff to be an idea of what's going on. You shouldn't feel so tired all of the time. It just doesn't make any sense.

They just keep focusing on eating disorder, anorexia/arfid (avoidance restrictive food intake disorder)

And with the walking now. Your mind is tired but your body's saying lets go. Do you feel anxious or are you just compelled to walk? Like an urge to do it or something.

Truthfully. I have to say. Otherwise there will be no progress.

anxious - yes, sometimes to just to air the head. no, sometimes because of the latter

compelled - yes, sometimes is just like the "disordered" mindset of saying that oh, you havent "moved" any bit today, you should exercise abit. or the stupid "everyday" must exercise for better health habit. because the recommended guidelines said so. no, also because times i feel like really wanting to do it, the mood, the power is there. but the body is rejecting.

urge - sometimes yes, it comes its complusion, sometimes its anxiety, sometimes its a want

I was thinking with the pain in your knee joints that maybe gout? I mean it can bother your knee's too but from what I understand it usually starts in your big toes. I really didn't think the linaments would work. Like you said - it's just the menthol.

I thought gout is will swell and not able to walk?

I have a colleague whom is slightly "allergic" to peanuts and often gets it when he consume "good" food. and from the way i see it, its quite bad.

Sorry, what about the menthol?

With all that's going on, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. It's not hard to get to a point where everything feels like it's personal. Your self esteem is taking a major hit. We need to figure out what we can do to give it a boost.

Its how I perceive things i guess, and the habitual of taking things personally and to heart. - almost anything i also take it. truth, myth, etc. Hence even words from anyone, online/offline, etc.

It's easy to forget that it takes time - because it's has taken time - now you want some results. I don't blame you.

Thank you for pointing out. And thanks for understanding.

Hey No problem - I just wish I had some actual answers for you. I can understand the colleagues but at the same time, I can't help but feel they could have stuck by you a little. It's alittle disappointing.

It is ok. Hence there are times, where i feel like i should just move on. and not make things worse. yet i cant.

And also about work, many times i feel that i have let them down. and thoughts of leaving is always there. such that i do not drag the team down any more further... it is almost a year plus already... and closing to two.

My day is slowly coming to a close and your's is soon beginning - I hope you have a better day.

Take care

Thank you, and take care.

And thanks again for your help. Truly appreciate it.

@mikenai22 I'll understand if you ever need a break or just don't feel up to replying. I know I do it to you. Sometimes we just need time.

It was no trouble at all. I'm just trying to help you get some understanding with what's going on. I just wish I was a little more successful with my searches. I just looked up symptoms of poor circulation and the first thing that popped up was from Medical News Today.

It just amazes me that they just stay so focused on your diet. I just think they'd be looking into everything.

It's frustrating - yeah? Having the mood and the power to do something but your body says no way. How is everything feeling today? Still sore and tender? Have you tried soaking your legs in hot water? Putting ice might help too. I know hot water helps with circulation but ice helps with things hurting.

Gout does cause swelling but sometimes depending on where it's located it's not as noticable. Like I said I'm just kind of grasping at straws. But I don't want you over thinking any of my suggestions either. So I mean I can stop passing this information if it's doing more harm than good. Just say the word - I won't be offended or anything.

That's why I try to leave you with good thoughts. I don't want you taking anything I say to heart in a bad way. I honestly have nothing but good intentions.

It's not as though you're intentionally trying to let everyone down. There are things going on with you that you don't understand. Things you're trying to make sense of. Things you're trying to make better. You are trying. That shouldn't be held against you.

I hope - I hope so many things for you Mike. Peace and understanding. Patience. Answers. They have to be somewhere.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are more than welcome. Take care

@mytwisedsoul

I guess this is it. It is monday soon. Have return to office.

I wonder if it is a good idea. I even wonder if the MC is a good idea.

I believe my body's, mind's, mentality, behaviour, clock, is totally screwed up.

I doubt I can even function properly.

I'll understand if you ever need a break or just don't feel up to replying. I know I do it to you. Sometimes we just need time.

Hiaz. Seriously I need to learn to let go. Learn to recgonise that sometimes it is ok to just take a break. Not complusively everyday have to do the same thing and check in to reply.

Sometimes I think for things to work for me, is to only do it forcefully.

i.e. usually works especially during act of nature, for example -> Bad Weather, Rain, etc.

It was no trouble at all. I'm just trying to help you get some understanding with what's going on. I just wish I was a little more successful with my searches. I just looked up symptoms of poor circulation and the first thing that popped up was from Medical News Today.

Thank you twistedsoul. I dont think anyone would go to the extent of searching out for information about and for me. It is ok regardless of successfulness, the strength of your kind thoughts is very appreciated.

It just amazes me that they just stay so focused on your diet. I just think they'd be looking into everything.

I duno. Neither nor I can comment, as my mindset could be wrongly wired. It could be because it is "government" funded institutions, so cheaper quality of service? But if it is private doctors, they are gona cost like a premium, and no gurantees either. But never try also duno the result.

It's frustrating - yeah? Having the mood and the power to do something but your body says no way. How is everything feeling today? Still sore and tender? Have you tried soaking your legs in hot water? Putting ice might help too. I know hot water helps with circulation but ice helps with things hurting.

it is. To be honest, I dont really know what is going on. One day, it is better. One day it is not. Then today, I dont know what happened either. I was craving for a specific type of food. I made it and after first bite. I almost nausea'ted and close to vomit. - I suck

Never soak before, but I been applying alot of muscle creams. Actually it has been a long practise since my mid age. Hmm ice. Not very sure. Could it be due to the cold showers perhaps? Change to hot water shower back? I duno why i started following the stupid fad trend of cold showers.

Gout does cause swelling but sometimes depending on where it's located it's not as noticable. Like I said I'm just kind of grasping at straws. But I don't want you over thinking any of my suggestions either. So I mean I can stop passing this information if it's doing more harm than good. Just say the word - I won't be offended or anything.

I see. Swelling on the foot only occured once when I went A&E for the cheekbone swelling the other day. That was when my mum pointed out. But after a dose of antibiotics and strong painkillers, it subsided.

Its ok. Don't worry about it. It is good to share experiences, knowledge. It is good to help "expand" my general knowledge, which is very very seriously poor, partly due to my isolation and anti-social mindset. However partly also due to me, not wanting to learn and remember at times. which gives me alot of trouble.

That's why I try to leave you with good thoughts. I don't want you taking anything I say to heart in a bad way. I honestly have nothing but good intentions.

Oh... now i see what you are trying to help me with. It is ok. I have to learn to manage. But these "things" have to be learnt/trained over time. Not a one day kind of thing. Not to say of course that it helps if it is filtered away by others, whom can assist.

So dont' worry about it for now. Take it a step at a time.

It's not as though you're intentionally trying to let everyone down. There are things going on with you that you don't understand. Things you're trying to make sense of. Things you're trying to make better. You are trying. That shouldn't be held against you.

Red - Sorry. I cant seem to see it. Thank you for reminding.

Blue - Again, it seem to be problematic for me, because I dont see it that way. I kept taking it like that others are judging me, watching me, kind of thing. Although yea that sometimes they are kinda of a keeping a lookout "for me" in a good intent, but I misinterpreted it another.

I hope - I hope so many things for you Mike. Peace and understanding. Patience. Answers. They have to be somewhere.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are more than welcome. Take care

No idea twistedsoul. I certainly hope things to be better. One day.

Even if it is the last day of my breathe.

Thank you. You too have a good day.

I'm sorry if i missed out replies or showing care concern for you. I'm not really good in that area. and ability to show, express my concerns and thoughts for you and others.

@mikenai22 I suppose it's now Monday evening where you are and you've had work today. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to get back to you sooner to wish you luck.

How was it? I'm sorry that they're making you return to work, especially if you aren't feeling ready and up to it.

It's hard to let things go and take a break. If you would decide not to post back for a day or two - don't worry or think you'd be letting anyone down. I know that's sometimes a concern of mine.

Private doctors are expensive. I can't help but think thought that in light of the current situation, it might be something to at least think about. At least then maybe they would work harder to get to the root of the problem.

Idk - it's really puzzling with the food. Has that happened alot before? That you want to eat something and then when you take a bite it makes you sick? I've had something similar at times if I cook something. I'll be hungry but then if I cook something the smell makes me feel sick.

Maybe try a compromise and try warm showers. That way they're neither cold or hot. Just to see if it would be any help.

It does take time to learn things. I've been thinking alot about positive reinforcement. I had someone tell me that being around the right people can help me look at myself in a better light. That it can help my brain rewire it's self to see myself more positive. But I don't know.

I hope for you too - that one day things will be better. It's ok, I haven't really given that a thought. You just need to focus on you.

I hope your day wasn't too bad and your return from work did upset things too much.

Take care Be gentle with yourself.

Hey, I'm new to 7 cups but I've heard good things and am reading better things, but I'm lost where to go now. I say that in more than one way by far... My issues may be moreso LGBTQ related, I'm just really not sure, and don't have anyone close to talk to with these things... So the annonymity of the internet is where I've come for answers, though I don't know if I'll get any. So, for now, Hi.

@LovebugHysteria423

Hi lovebug, Sorry I cant give much recommendations nor advices about LGBT relations.

Maybe one thing I can say is to not let your own thoughts, decisions be derailed by others' comment(s).

However do keep in mind, regards to human ethics and rights, and time where "common sense" needs to be exercised such that you do not put harm to yourself/partner/others.

Do take care.

@LovebugHysteria423 hi, welcome to 7cups. I hope this community can help with your healing and help you cope.

@mytwistedsoul

I suppose it's now Monday evening where you are and you've had work today. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to get back to you sooner to wish you luck.

It is monday evening now 7pm. Not bad, you can calculate time well.

It is ok. Don't worry about not being able to reply in time.

How was it? I'm sorry that they're making you return to work, especially if you aren't feeling ready and up to it.

It sucks. Please dont be sorry. We/You/Me can only control so much.

The anxiety, worry, fear, is exactly (100%) the same as returning to Army. I don't know why the fear is tremendously strong. I kept telling my mum about locking the house windows, in case I really give in and just exit the window without thoughts. Although I kept fearing the fall.

It's hard to let things go and take a break. If you would decide not to post back for a day or two - don't worry or think you'd be letting anyone down. I know that's sometimes a concern of mine.

Hiaz. I wish I could really put it down. Somehow I can't.

Private doctors are expensive. I can't help but think thought that in light of the current situation, it might be something to at least think about. At least then maybe they would work harder to get to the root of the problem.

Well, each has their pros, yet have their cons to take. - I always hate this

My worst nightmare, is not being able to accept a solution with cons.

I wonder when will i be able to balance and come to peace.

Idk - it's really puzzling with the food. Has that happened alot before? That you want to eat something and then when you take a bite it makes you sick? I've had something similar at times if I cook something. I'll be hungry but then if I cook something the smell makes me feel sick.

Depends on when you are referring to the "before"

All i can say now is that, i dont know when which food makes me sick. I hate the randomness. Just the other day, I dont know what happened. I was craving for a particular food. I made it, and first two bites, I told myself I should stop immediately. Otherwise I am going to seriously vomit. Luckily I had another food which i made. That I managed to tide over. Imagine if this happened at work, i duno how to manage. I doubt I have much options when outside.

Maybe try a compromise and try warm showers. That way they're neither cold or hot. Just to see if it would be any help.

Yea, i have recently tried to "cheat" myself to warm showers. Although I felt very very guilty.

Yet I don't really know who i am answering to of the need to have cold showers.

It does take time to learn things. I've been thinking alot about positive reinforcement. I had someone tell me that being around the right people can help me look at myself in a better light. That it can help my brain rewire it's self to see myself more positive. But I don't know.

It certainly do. This is bit of a "issue" in my perspective. Although if you have very strong discipline, then maybe dont have to "depend" on others. You can self train your mentality to be more sharp and focused on the light.

But then, I believe probably it will be challenging. Myself at least, cause I see how challenging it has been. And yes, that the enviroment does help too, because it really livens up the mood, spirit, mentality of one.

I hope for you too - that one day things will be better. It's ok, I haven't really given that a thought. You just need to focus on you.

<Sorry. I don't know what to comment for this. Though I truly wish one day.>

I hope your day wasn't too bad and your return from work did upset things too much.

Take care Be gentle with yourself.

Its just pure pain, stress and dizziness.

Thank you twistedsoul for being here.

@mikenai22 You must be feeling pretty trapped at the moment. I'm glad you didn't try to go out any windows.

Today is/was your second day back. How did it go?

it must be very frustrating not know when that's going to come up and whats going to trigger it. Is it maybe that you're too hungry, that may be that causing the feeling of going to vomit? What happens after it passes? Do you get hunger pangs shortly afterwards? Is there something maybe about the taste or texture? Do you put the food back and then try it later on? Sorry - me and all my questions. I hope it doesn't happen for you at work. Do you think maybe it could be caused by anxiety?

I imagine with trying to live a healthier - green lifestyle. Maybe that helped start the cold shower routine. I take them every now and again - but that's usually after working outside and being too hot. A cold shower is refreshing but I don't think I'd want to take one every time.

I think you and I need to find this stronger discipline because we know the light is there but we just can't seem to focus on it.

The stress of all this is making you feel worse. It's just affecting everything for you. I wish I knew how to ease it for you. Something beyond the usual music - meditation - mindfulness things.

TAke care Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

My job. It's over. Something in my mind is not registering nor accepting it well.

My first career. I never expected it to start and end this way.

You must be feeling pretty trapped at the moment. I'm glad you didn't try to go out any windows.

I am, and thank you.

Today is/was your second day back. How did it go?

No comments. The above is clear enough. Yet I am in a numbing state to really feel and express.

it must be very frustrating not know when that's going to come up and whats going to trigger it. Is it maybe that you're too hungry, that may be that causing the feeling of going to vomit? What happens after it passes? Do you get hunger pangs shortly afterwards? Is there something maybe about the taste or texture? Do you put the food back and then try it later on? Sorry - me and all my questions. I hope it doesn't happen for you at work. Do you think maybe it could be caused by anxiety?

1. Yes, Possibility is there. I read about it of the possible causes of reguritation.

2. It takes time to pass actually. And usually not like 10 or 15 mins, can be as long as hour or two. Sometimes I need to "disturb" myself by using paracetomol or gastric spasm medication just to numb or blunt my way through.

3. Hunger Pangs, it depends and worse off its random situations. There are times where balanced meals can still be hungry later. There are times where it is just a small meal, or just a little cup of oats. And i can be... "numb" or nothing for good few hours.

4. I duno about the taste/texture thing. Parents, Colleagues, Bosses told me to try adding more taste than just using nut butters... which i craved though. I even craved for chewy, bready stuffs. Yet sometimes I want doughy or mushy stuffs. hiaz. i duno what is going on exactly.

5. Anxiety. I duno. Possible. Fear? Stubborness? Stupidility? Impressing myself? I'm pretty lost.

I imagine with trying to live a healthier - green lifestyle. Maybe that helped start the cold shower routine. I take them every now and again - but that's usually after working outside and being too hot. A cold shower is refreshing but I don't think I'd want to take one every time.

Correct. I believe you have a good motive and rationale for the act of doing something.

Problem with mine is I have no reasons. Its just what the internet, people, others, professionals, recommendations and comments. You "Should", You "Must", great CEOs does this too, minimalist does this, So you should. YouTube/Social Media Said so. So you should be.

So here I am not even having any good backing reasons or beliefs, just do for the sake of it. Its almost like a punishing act of good. Although the feeling is "good" after a cold shower, despite the cold weather at times. Then drink some hot boiling coffee.

But this train of mentality is just bad.

I think you and I need to find this stronger discipline because we know the light is there but we just can't seem to focus on it.

Hiaz. twistedsoul. I'm exhausted. Very.

The stress of all this is making you feel worse. It's just affecting everything for you. I wish I knew how to ease it for you. Something beyond the usual music - meditation - mindfulness things.

TAke care Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

@mikenai22 Oh man - I am so sorry to hear this. I imagine it's very hard to accept - to wrap your mind around the realities of it. It would make you shut down emotionally - it's alot to take in and process.

It must be very tiring and trying to have to deal with all these stomach and eating issues. Confusing not know what is going on and why one time it's one way but the next time it's something totally different. I think at this point anyone would be feeling pretty lost. It's the not knowing. The not recieving any answers.

I really wish I knew what to say. Something that would help you. But I'm at a loss. Just know that I'm here for you. So feel free to rant and rave. Say anything you like. Get it off your chest and out of your mind.

I'm sure you are exhausted. It's ok to feel that way. I know it's just as hard and exhausting to keep fighting everyday. But try not to feel alone. I'm here for you - for support for - whatever.

Try to be gentle with yourself Take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Oh man - I am so sorry to hear this. I imagine it's very hard to accept - to wrap your mind around the realities of it. It would make you shut down emotionally - it's alot to take in and process.

I am in total zone-less now. still numbing and not knowing what to do.

It must be very tiring and trying to have to deal with all these stomach and eating issues. Confusing not know what is going on and why one time it's one way but the next time it's something totally different. I think at this point anyone would be feeling pretty lost. It's the not knowing. The not recieving any answers.

It is very tiring and exhaustive. Along with above.

Along with me finding out life.

Along with me finding solutions to issues.

I really wish I knew what to say. Something that would help you. But I'm at a loss. Just know that I'm here for you. So feel free to rant and rave. Say anything you like. Get it off your chest and out of your mind.

I truly wish to say something. But I am seriously numb and not sure what to do or say now.

And I have to make a executive decision as well.

I'm sure you are exhausted. It's ok to feel that way. I know it's just as hard and exhausting to keep fighting everyday. But try not to feel alone. I'm here for you - for support for - whatever.

Try to be gentle with yourself Take care.

Thank you.

@mikenai22 I really wish there was something I could say or do to help you through all this crap. I can only imagine your thoughts right now.

Use this space as an outlet- type, rant, vent. What ever you need. Don't keep it bottled up and let it fester. I mean ultimately it's your choice.
Try to be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

I really wish there was something I could say or do to help you through all this crap. I can only imagine your thoughts right now.

I truly wish I could say (It's ok).

But it is not. Though whatever happened has happened. It is sad yes. I cant get over it.

Still, thank you for still being here at least.

Use this space as an outlet- type, rant, vent. What ever you need. Don't keep it bottled up and let it fester. I mean ultimately it's your choice.
Try to be gentle with yourself.

There is not anything more I can do now.

I know it is a choice to to decide between keeping in heart, and whether to move on or what not.

But as of now, I just feel numb.

@mikenai22 No - I know it's not ok. This is a major set back for you. Everything you were trying to do, all the efforts at changing things. Yes - what ever has happened is done all ready. But it doesn't mean that's the end.

Man I don't want to say the wrong things. I guess - just know I'm here for you. For what ever. A friend - a supporter. A well wisher. Thinking, wishing, hoping - that things get better. To let you know that you're not entirely alone.

Be gentle with yourself Mike. Just - let's try to take this one day at a time.