Lost

@mytwistedsoul

I like the way you do your reply's. Sorry I never said anything sooner.

Thanks. Just trying to get messages covered.

Hey, dont be sorry. Its ok. Its just my style only. If it is missed its ok.

It reminds me of what I said to you and along with your answers. It's made me realize what a hypocrite I am. For example- I was saying about not being up front with my therapist and you said I won't know unless I try, no change, I stay where I am. BUT in the next sentence I tell you that I don't think doing nothing will help. So I need to practice what I preach. Thank you

It is good to hear that you are aware and being present of your situation. Realising is also another important aspect as there are people (like me, who is not realising it, that it is "killing/hurting" me, i.e. exercises).

Perhaps maybe if i can suggest for you, is the next biggest wall for me. Acceptance.

See if you can try to take on the challenge to "change" and try to move on.

To see if it helps in any way, good or bad.

It really is disappointing that they don't listen. Frustrating. I just, idk, really thought that they would have just handled things a little more discretely.

I pretty much guess it is "poorer" service quality, government clinics.

Plus it is just another daily routine to them.

I hope with the new day coming your way, it goes better for you and you feel a little more.. I want to say better but I also know if it was me I'd still be upset about it. So I'll say alittle more at ease (?) with the situation.

I am. Especially with the weight part. I am still dwelling about it.

I dont know what went wrong. Other than the part where I know I certainly "ate" more. Not intentional, but to satisfy the hunger pains.

Yet I exercise more, etc. and still not helping. zzz

Thank you for trying to help to make my mind and day easier.

Although tomorrow, i got another fear again to handle. Needles. - I requested for blood test to be done

Take care, definitely be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks again. You too try to slow down and perhaps see if there is anything you are ok with to try with to help move on about your thoughts with therapist.

@mytwistedsoul

Acceptance is an issue. Lately accepting myself just isn't something that is going too good. Do you ever have days where you just don't like yourself? I've been having a lot of problems with just accepting myself. I don't like who I am and who I'm becoming. But I'm not sure what to do about it.

Good that now you are able to acknowledge and being aware of it. Now its time to maybe start slowly ease in and try "accepting" things that can/cannot be resolved. - i mean if it is a problem or something that is blogging you

Hey, If you noticed the conflicts between yourself and who you desired to be, why not try making changes to where you wanted to be? I mean like you have something in mind correct? Isn't it something to work towards to? Unless there is something that is holding you back

I don't like myself? - Dear My Twisted Soul, I never liked myself. Never once. If I did, I doubt I will be in 7cups. Don't be sorry for not being able to notice it. Neither nor please be offended that it meant that anyone in 7cups is someone who don't like themselves. What I am trying to say is I think I am having "this" problem, hence I looked for help and found this place.

I hate to say it but you would think government things would be better run. Unfortunately it's the same pretty much everywhere. The government has all the funds but the poorest care facilities.

Any single institution or practitioner has their pros and cons. So yea, gotta accept it.

Its just perhaps things got lined up poorly this time round.

I understand the weight part and wanting to ease the hunger pains. It's not good to feel hungry. Empty. The only thing I can think of it just needing something with more substance but I'm not sure how or what.

It is ok. Perhaps like what many online had suggested could be due to

- extreme hunger

- body fighting back for fuel

- mental breakdown after prolonged restriction

- overworked body (since i wake up super early like 3/4am now)

It's good you're having blood work done, even if you don't like needles. Although I understand that fear too. A lot of people don't like needles. I don't mind blood being drawn but for some reason I'm always a little suspicious about shots themselves. Wondering if it's what they actually say it is, what's in it. Sad, this distrust I have of eveything. I hope it went well for you.

My only concern now is whether if the bloodwork is sufficient, as for the tests that the doctor ordered. I'm kinda fearful that it is not sufficient, and may need follow-ups. i.e. more needles...

Online forums is talking about some additional tests that I am wary of, plus I duno how much they are going to cost.

Shots well - Those were the past when we were since young.

Nope, it is going to be tomorrow or 10 hours time... (2200hrs now, have to start... fasting, if i can bear with it. My mental/physical hunger has not been stable over the entire day lately)

Thanks you - for reminding me to slow down.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

Sure do. try to frequently remind yourself if you can.

And yup, thanks again for your reminder to me.

In addition I just suddenly had this wild thought. - Give yourself a break. I doubt i know how to practise it. Perhaps instead it has to be forced down on me.

@mikenai22

No I noticed, and yeah you're right If you did or if I did, neither one of us would be here. You wouldn't have an ED to deal with and I wouldn't be so self destructive. That's how I ended up here too. Looking for a quick fix, well sort of quick fix. More like idk, a stop or a lay over.

oh well... everyone has their individual reasons and rights and privileges to doing anything. i shall not debate.

actually, mine did not started with ED.

Hmm quick fixes, like what i've read mostly. always resulted in things like "it will not work" in the long run.

its just like a quick temporary getaway only.

I did see something about if you fast, that your body stays in stavation mode and it stores the food as fat instead of using it as energy. Wow, you sleep sounds like mine now. I can lay down after midnight and I'm up before 3. Leaves alot of time to get things done. But it is exhausting.

Not too sure about the "starvation mode" and how food is burnt as energy/stuffs. But then yea, from my understanding, it does affect my sleep cycles and it is very tiring and irrirating.

Because of all these weird stuffs and "hatred" for my father. my entire lifestyle has changed. until it does not look humane.

But then I cannot put the blame on them, it could be a self-wanted choice. However what is even worse is that this "choice" i dont feel good. Its like I might say I wanted it. But I don't truly wanted it. So i do not know who is making the call here.

Oh wow, well I hope they don't need to take anymore and I know blood tests are expensive. Have you ever checked out The Mighty website? They're kind of like here but not quite. Might be something to look into. Or not.

No idea, based on the test order form, i dont read anything specifics to vitamins. I am not very well versed in this.

"The Mighty" ??? - I'll take a look later. Thanks.

I hope it went well for you. Your blood work.

Lol! Thanks I'll try.

Take care...rest...be gentle

Havent yet (3 hours more), feeling lethargic, my yoga 110% did not go well, very very tired.

I removed the hand workout, and even changed the yoga to just a morning basic flow. yet still difficult to accomplish.

Gona... rest. If i cant take it, im just gona break the fasting. Not worth it.

@mytwistedsoul

I almost missed your post. You tagged yourself. Sorry...

Opps, my perfectionist mind must have miswired. Perfectionist streak gone. =.=?

mike...., nothing to sweat about. Perhaps your mind was thinking of stuffs.

Nah twistedsoul, dont be sorry. To be honest, I dont think it is healthy for me also.

I have been... refreshing 7cups to wait for you response. - This is part of the reason why I am thinking of quitting. I have this complusive behaviour of constant refreshing. i.e. forums, youtube, anything. which i should learn to quit.

Maybe share the blame? I try to, it probably doesn't seem right. But I figure everything is a two way street. Give and take, ya know?

Not say share the blame. Rather coming back to what you mentioned, why is there a need to blame in the first place.

It is just a matter of perceptions, and also the need to balance self-thoughts and give and take.

Problem is with myself not wanting to give in. Everything must be "right". Cannot give in to others.

LIke I said it's sort of like here. You can post thoughts and questions and people answer and comment. I thought perhaps with a wider veiw maybe there will be other answers for you. I hang there sometimes.

Hahas. Okays.

I havent had time to try out the page. My body was not cooperating with the chair yesterday.

I posted at reddit for help, but no response.

So how was the tests? I hope it went well for you. I hope you didn't break your fast, that way you can just get it over and done with. Then you don't have to worry about doing it.

Nope i did not break the fast. I just held the hunger pain and went for it. slightly 30mins earlier.

But i was so fearful and worried. My entire body was full of sweat during the entire process.

I managed to grab some data from the online results.

I'm not very well versed with the results. Might need some referencing online and doctor's advice.

Some numbers are indicated lower.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Thanks twisted soul. I'm still pondering how i quoted myself instead.

Oh well. You too have a good weekend.

My boss is starting to pressure me to find other therapist. Sad.

I'm kinda exhausted from finding.

@mytwistedsoul

Seriously ...don't sweat it. You probably did have alot on your mind plus with having blood work done and all the other things going on you probably were over whelmed. It happens. Some of it with the refreshing... please don't take this wrong... but you're lonely yeah? Like me.. no friends..companions..mates. Looking for companionship... camraderie. Acceptance... there's nothing wrong with that. I mean I'm not saying sit on the computer and wait for hours. But I do understand. I do the same thing sometimes. Looking for that human connection.

thank you for understanding. perhaps could be.

The refreshing of pages is kind of complusion, and i hope to get rid of it as soon as i can. it is not healthy.

Even for work too (If i still get to keep it), i.e. checking of emails, online task tracker, etc.

Lonely, yea. If you are asking about my social circle. However I'm not sure if i am actually looking for a companion. Its more like seeking some sort of "safety net/sense of security" kind of thing.

To be honest, sitting at the computer for days, has been what I have been doing. Other than the morning workouts, meal preparation and groceries shop. I'm guessing everyone has their ways of doing things or not doing things.

That's a hard balance to find. I can be a little weird with that. I'm pretty quick to say to h*ll with it, it's my fault. I did it, I admit it. I'll except the blame for just about everything. Programed I guess.

Share with you something. I used to behave like that. Every little fault and stuffs, regardless whose fault. I will just take up the blame. I am always the one who just like to pick up responsibility despite not being at fault. Somehow it just felt easier for me to manage things easier.

But after my life saga started, I seemed to have some sort of mindset change. And now I forcefully make the guilty one to be responsible.

Reddit can be a little funny. I just wanted to make sure that you knew it's not got chats or anything. Just posts for thoughts and questions.

Not very sure... But now I'm there for a few reasons. It started off, of course from Pinterest -> Quora -> Reddit

- ED stuffs and queries

- Depression + Anxiety

- Gifts of games, HumbleBundle, etc.

- Computers, Build Setup showcase

- (degenerating) getting better, self-help, motivation, Today I Learnt, etc.

- (worsening) aww, some weird animal pictures

- (way worse) fitness, diet, askdoc, etc.

I noticed everytime I turn on the computer, all these "social" stuffs take up most of my time.

Yet I do not really know what I want to do.

Woo hoo! Good for you ! That's great, I was worried you would. Oh I bet... Nothing wrong with being nervous, you had a really good reason for it. But well done, I'm glad you got it done and over with. It's just early yet though for the results isn't it? I'd be careful with researching anything until you have the full picture though. Just my thoughts.

Thanks again twistedsoul for care and concern.

Well, me between the computer and internet. - Nothing is stopping, the report also got those astriek marks indicating what is not within recommended levels. So i kinda got some hint already.

Relax.. Take a deep breath... You did good!

I hope you have a good/nice/decent weekend. Try to take a moment for yourself...enjoy some sun... take a walk

Take care..Be gentle with yourself.. you've had a couple stressful few days.

Sure... Will try, but not with the incense/cigarette/calculator/handphone/tv noise.

No sun, been raining lately. Well I already ran, and somehow my calves are starting to show weird tense pains. And my main stomach core seems to be acting weird also. Not sure is it because of my "sitting" sleeping posture that gave those problems. Which seem to be affecting my workouts.

Yea, hope so. Just that my boss'es side is not being friendly. Yet i still have to face it one day.

(Despite what HR mentioned, that i should only be focusing on myself doing what i want during this "break")

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Surviving i guess.

Things are still kinda the same more or less.

Exercise and workout are weakening.

My sleep cycles are shifting, starting to wake up during wee hours instead. - although i kinda like the peace.

Food well, kinda excessive. and worrying.

Sorry it's been a few days. This past weekend has been a problem for me.

It is ok. Everyone needs their timeout.

I..well... the past few days have been the opposite. Avoiding the computer, pretty much anything electronic. The outside world.

How did it feel? Did the disengagement eased off anxiety, worries or anything that concerned you? - It is ok if you do not feel comfortable to reply

How did you do that? Although I'm sure it'll take work. But that's good, yeah? To make people be responsible for things if it's their fault. Just seems like it would lead to confrontation. I really really try to avoid confrontations. Talk about getting nervous.

Definitely. Plus it incurs alot of self-damage. Not worth it if you take a step back and review.

Erm, well on the contary yea. If you managed to get the message across to the relevant superiors. Otherwise, the guilty one will just be free.

Yea, confrontations sucks. Especially when dealing with the "responsible" people. Its like difficult to think of the correct words to use.

Did you get the rest of your results back? Sorry - being nosy. Well...and curious.

The rest? Actually I already checked them online the other day.

Its more like interpretation only. I checked (googled) all those that are "remarked" for review.

I know what you mean about no sun.. it's been raining here off and on since Friday. Over 2 inches. Which is probably helping the down mood I feel in. I'm ok with thunderstorms but extended periods of rain are depressing. I'm sorry to hear that your bosses are giving you a hard time. But you have to do what's best for you. It's hard sometimes to follow the advice of others.

Take care...be gentle

It is difficult. Thanks twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey.. Are you going to bed any earlier? That could maybe explain the earlier waking. There is always something nice about the wee hours of the morning. I always liked it too. There's a silence to it... peaceful. I imagine it's even more so with you because the rest of the house is sleeping, and the world around you is much more quiet.

I am indeed, not volunteerily but could be miniorly intentional. Because of my weakness, lethargic after dinner.

Somehow it is difficult to garner energy to even sit for another period in front of the computer.

Yup, something about the silence that is rather "rewarding" or forward looking to.

The whole "world" felt so much more wider. Compared to when that "guy" is ramping around at home.

Yes and no, There were other concerns and I always seem to be worried about something. But it was kind of peaceful in it's own way.

I see... do try to and i hope that you are able to let go or address them sooner or later.

Dont be like me, grabbing on to a endless loop that never resolves.

Yeah, anything said the wrong way or taken the wrong way, would put people on the defensive and make the confrontation much worse. Especially if the guilty person knows they did wrong. But I guess if we're held accountable for the wrong things we do, Everyone else should be too. There has to be a balance.

Guessing its a person's natural instinct to be on the defensive side. - Much worse off, for my type who tends to overthink/assume the wrong ways...

Wow, Imagine if someone who knows they are truly guilty and yet still go ahead with... definitely deserves to be dealt with.

Oh sorry! I guess I figured it was like here, with my doctor you get blood work done, I have to go back in for them to tell me what they found. Did you figure out what was low and why? Of course...none of my business so you don't have to answer. Just curious.

Oh you are referring to follow up, it will be coming friday.

For the general stuffs, I never asked in forums. But google's results shows things like diet, malnutrition, sensitivity, etc. Cant truly recall them. Neither nor I am certain if it is correct. - You know the feeling of mis-diagnose or being "self" doctor. Although it is kinda self-worrying to see those results.

It is hard to remember to be gentle, especially with our thoughts, we're our own worse critics. But I hope you're trying.

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself, at least the best you can.

Ok... Thanks twistedsoul. I can only try. But never a gurantee.

Hope you have a good rest.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

still operating. as usual trying to figure things out.

waiting for the day to end.

not wanting to see tmr, cause it will just rinse and repeat

I've been having a few issues with the computer myself. But the opposite sort of. I'll be ready to reply but then my thoughts just go poof and either scatter or disappear. Doesn't seem to matter how hard I concentrate or focus. I just can't seem to gain back my train of thought.

ah.. I see, let me know if you need a break.

just sharing on my side. I have not been able to focus on a single tab, ever since a while back. maybe 2-3 years back. the mind will often be in a multi tab parallel thoughts and worse off all. recent late last year end. I haven't been able to focus on a single tab for a single task before moving on to next.

I know people that... well they have to know that they are guilty of wrong doing but still go ahead with the nonsense. Family... and confrontation with them is scary because they are united in the wrong doing. And it's just me against them and I always seem to be on the losing end . I try to avoid them at all costs but they just are like the tide... impossible to hold back.

about that, some people like me for example are truly stubborn... and never registers..

family I guess it is equally as challenging as well. it's like a part of you don't wanna hurt feelings while another felt that there is a need to address something

Well I do hope it's nothing too serious with the results. Something that can maybe be fixed with a change in diet or something. Something easy to deal with. Yeah ... the thoughts of.... well, that can't be right. I've had that a few times myself. I do hope though that everything turns out ok for you.

1. vitamin b-12 I finally got some, although it was much costly compared to outside...

2. "they" as in everyone hopes that I quit this diet. hiaz. is it really that I (some genetics) probably is not compatible with whole food plant based clean eating

3. other issues, digestion, cramps, weakness, food coma. as usual no doctors want to comment on it.

Hey as long as you try, right? Of course nothing is ever guaranteed.

Be gentle.. take care... rest when you can

not sure twisted soul... it is very exhaustive

I'm trying to rest. but I find it very difficult to.

the mind just doesn't felt like it

the body does not feel good either

@mytwistedsoul

I guess by now your day has ended and restarted. I'm sorry... you sound really depressed. Is there anything I can do to help? Are you getting out of the house? Maybe taking a little time to take in the sun?

Sorry if it affected you somehow.

I am not very sure to be honest. Its just that everything is so confusing.

Well, I've went out to see the doctor. So yea I presume it counts.

It's all right, somethimes it just helps to just walk away and go for a walk... gather up the thoughts as I go. My head just get's too busy sometimes and then... idk... it's almost like I blow a fuse. A glich in my system.

yes, true. Just that my walks are sometimes "generated" by ED to walk excessively. it somehow becomes a compensation. Have to kind of rewire the mind to think differently.

Just like my morning workouts. It usually is blind sided by ED thoughts. Now I keep trying to tell myself, whether you like or dislike the "workout", but look forward to the end of the workout. Because that after exercise "feeling" is great.

Compared to never workout at all which sucked. But then, coming back... by workout routines has not been good.

But yea, walks sometimes, detaches you from your thoughts. Actually "mindless" activities (routines) or whatever helps too.

I would guess if the b12 is from the doctors it's probably a higher quality. Or higher dose. I looked into the b12 vitamin a little. Sorry, I'm not trying to intrude or anything. I did learn that an all plant diet does cause a b12 deficiency. That it causes lethergy and depression, weakness and brain fog. Maybe they don't want to really get into the other issues until you're on the vitamin for a while. Because may be you were getting it and your body just isn't absorbing it the way it should. Hopefully you'll get some more answers on Friday.

No idea. The dosage is lower actually.

Wow... appreciate it twistedsoul for making effort to understand more.

The symptoms are what that puzzled me, its like so does it mean low b12 means i get those? because the so many different reads/reports about the issues which are similar, but triggered by other factors.

And yea poor nutrition could also be due to lack of absorbtion (i.e. undigestion -> bowel... -> wasted)

Actually i chanced upon a open slot and changed the appointment to yesterday. Rather get some answers than waiting at home for nothing.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope you can find a little peace and rest. I hope you feel better

Nope.... and I woke up at a awkward timing today and havent rest yet. oh well.

Take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Don't apologize, I'm just a little worried about you. I imagine it's very confusing, all of it. But I think you're doing a pretty good job doing what you need to, to try and figure it out. Although it must still be pretty frustrating. And disappointing.

Thanks. Really. And yes, it is frustrating.

Thanks for reminding me about me trying out and not stopping, despite things not working out well.

Workout still deproving. I wonder if it is time to call for help.

Maybe once things are figured out a little better and you're not fatigued and feeling physically weak, maybe the work out will be better for you. It's hard to change how you think about things. I've been trying to do the same thing. It's hard though. Because you have to struggle against all the thoughts that go against what you're trying to change.

These "things" - I have been wondering, if it will ever end? And what are this list of things actually to be exact? Its like one day, the list can be defined as follows, while later on the list can just change a few days later. Its like I don't really exactly know what/where/why am I even doing or prepring the list for - temporary happiness?

About getting better - Yes, I truly wished and hoped for it. Just that I don't know how. And whether if i can even accept the change to reach that stage.

Thought change about things - Well... yea difficult. But somewhere deep down, knows that it has to be done.

I don't blame you for wanting to go in sooner. The waiting can drive you nuts. It's better to try and get some answers sooner. I'm not sure either, because I was reading similar things. But I'm trying not to fuel your thoughts. I do hope that they find some answers for you soon and that things can change for the better, so that you feel better.

It is ok. Cause... in the background. My multi-tabs of windows are full of the articles.

Still... try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Take care

Thanks again. Really. Thank you for being around.