2) Community Questions and Answers - The Basis of Mental Health Awareness and Support

My answer to: What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

Sometimes we feel like we are not good enough for others including parents, other family members, and/or a partner. Just because we feel this way does not mean it is true. The feeling of not being good enough often comes from reduced self-esteem and self-worth that can be influenced by social media and other people. Some of the common symptoms of not feeling “good enough” include self-doubt, negative self-talk, lack of self-confidence, and an overly-harsh inner critic.

According to Kristen Neff, a researcher who focuses on self-compassion, the best way to not be consumed by no feeling like you are good enough for others starts within, with self-compassion. A lot of times our self-worth is determined by self-esteem. While having self-esteem is important, self-esteem is built by external sources letting us know if we’re doing a good job or living up to standards. Instead of looking for the external validation of being good enough, we can look inward and realize that we’re all human, and all humans deserve compassion. Many times, those of us who struggle with our own self-worth are a lot more critical of ourselves than we would be of others.

One question I’ve been asked over and over again in therapy is: would you ever tell a friend or family member they’re not good enough? No? Then why would you say that to yourself?

After years of hearing this question and repeating it to myself every time I catch myself being overly critical I have gotten to the point of recognizing that the feeling of not being good enough comes from within. I’ve also learned to realize the humaness in myself and embrace it, giving myself grace and compassion when I make mistakes.

It would be great if the rest of the world gave us the same grace and compassion that we are expected to give ourselves, unfortunately though that’s not always reality.

Many times we go our whole lives thinking that our worth is based on other people’s assessments and evaluations of us, but once we realize that those assessments and evaluations are more of a reflection of the other person than they are of us, it becomes a lot easier to practice self-compassion.

I’m not going to say self-compassion is easy, but with practice it does become second nature over time. When you start treating yourself with compassion, you may also start to feel like a better person all together because not only will you be more compassionate to yourself, but may find it easier to be compassionate for others you may not have had patience with before. Self-love is a game changer, we’re all human beings and we all deserve love, especially self-love.

So, how do you start working on self-compassion?

First step is to recognize and acknowledge that you are a human being, just like everyone else, and that as a human being, you deserve compassion, just like everyone else. Once you are able to recognize that you deserve compassion, you can work on forgiving yourself for common, easy to make mistakes. After you master self-forgiveness on that level, it becomes easier to forgive yourself for things that are bigger than the mundane mistakes of everyday life. No human being is perfect all that time, and that means mistakes happen, it’s okay, it’s part of life.

Another step in developing self-compassion is challenging that voice that tells you that you’re not good enough. Many people do this with affirmations. There are thousands of affirmations online that you could find in a google search, but the important thing is finding the affirmations that work best for you. In my work in therapy, I’ve found that in order for an affirmation to feel “right” it needs to be believable, so if you feel like you’re not good enough, simply repeating “I am good enough” may feel inauthentic, if it does that’s okay, adjust it to something along the lines of “I am a good person, I make mistakes, and that does not take away from my worth as an amazing human being,” or “I’m doing the best I can, and if my best doesn’t give me the results I want, I will learn from my mistakes so that I don’t make the same mistakes next time” or whatever wording works for you. For me, I had a lot of longer affirmations at first like that, now “I deserve to be loved”, “I deserve to be treated with kindness”, and “I’m a good person” are short things I can say to myself to get through the difficult moments when that feeling of not being “good enough” for others creeps in again.

Working on self-compassion, self-esteem, and self-worth is also extremely effective with a therapist, in fact, it’s like they’re trained to help people find their value and worth, though I know therapy isn’t an option for everyone. If therapy isn’t something you can afford or is not an option for you, seeking healthy relationships with others who demonstrate self-compassion to themselves, along with compassion to others (especially you) can be extremely helpful also. It allows you to see that self-compassion is real, and that you deserve compassion not only from yourself, but from others as well.

At the end of the day, we can’t force others to be compassionate to us, we can’t force others to be kind, but what we can do is be our best selves, be kind to ourselves, and not tolerate lack of kindness and compassion from others. We can’t make everyone happy, and unfortunately it’s the people we want to make proud the most that often make us feel like we’re never good enough, but once you learn to be compassionate to yourself, and give yourself grace, and love yourself, you won’t need the external validation of being “good enough” for others as much because you’ll be able to feel it in your bones.

I hope this helps. If you want to find out more information about self-compassion you can look up Kristen Neff, she has a wonderful TedTalk on Youtube as well as her own website with more content.

I feel like my answer is quite long, but I tried to include all of the components of a good answer and as many keywords as possible.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

Answer:

A healthy relationship between two human beings that came together to become a family can bring great things to both partners. If you are struggling to feel self-worth this inner critic can cause self-doubt in yourself, your partner and your relationship. The good news is that you have awareness of this negative self-talk which is the first step in your path toward self-love.

After awareness, the second step is communication with a trusted family member such as your parents, friend, partner and/or therapist. Who you voice this information with is up to you and who you feel most comfortable with. 7 Cups provides 1:1 chats, forums and group chat discussions that are anonymous and supportive if you feel like you need a smaller stepping stone towards discussing it with your loved ones. When I'm overwhelmed with feelings of self-doubt I know that communicating my feelings and needs has to be a goal in itself.

After communicating your struggles to some of your trusted supporters, generating goals to define your path toward self-love is the next step. You may have even found other goals you have such as deeper intimacy with your partner, or more comfortable communication surrounding mental health. I like to use my supportive listeners on 7 Cups to help brainstorm what my best steps toward my goal look like.

One method for defining these goals is SMART goal design. SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, timely or time-bound) goals can help with our whole life and at the end of the day can hold us accountable.

Finally, know you are doing your best and trust that you are a good person. It's hard to reach out to therapy and it's perfectly normal for us human beings to resist change so I commend you for your efforts toward researching and reaching out. You're not alone 🤗

The following links helped me generate this answer and may be helpful for your further information:

https://www.7cups.com/experts/article/3-tips-to-accomplish-your-short-and-long-term-goals

https://www.7cups.com/experts/self-esteem/

https://www.hss.gov.nt.ca/professionals/sites/professionals/files/resources/smart-goal-setting-guidelines.pdf

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Question: What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

Provided Keywords: parents, partner, self-esteem, social media, self-worth, good news, best way, first step, human beings, children, therapy, self-love, family members, better person, good time, good luck, inner critic, self-doubt, negative self-talk, real reason, whole life, amazing person, self-confidence, voice, right thing, healthy relationship, great things, information, communication, end of the day

Answer: The feeling that we aren't good enough for someone can arise at least a few times in each one of our lives. The feeling might have been provoked by some extenal incidents like rash comments from partner, parents or other loved ones. With or without such external circumstances, our self-esteem might get affected in a negative way, leading us to feel inferior and not deserving of someone we love in our life. None of us can avoid the situations leading to this feeling throughout our life, but we can always deal with our feelings in a productive and logical way when such circumstaces arise. The best way to handle our feelings in this scenerio is to take a step back and observe the situation without the presence of an inner critic. Then we will be able to realise that the real reason for feeling this way is the unconcious negative self talk that has been going inside our mind which has led to a feeling of low self worth. Once we recognize the probem, we can regain our self confidence and do the right thing, which is to keep a healthy relationship with loved ones with well defined boundaries and communicating openly about our feelings regarding the remarks they made. And once a person is able to continue this habit their whole life then they will be able to become that amazing person, they have always been striving to become. At the end of the day, if we can self love even in these difficult situations we have found the secret of joy as human beings. Thus, good luck to everyone out there struggling with self doubt, learn to take a step back and love yourself.

Hey friend, I understand you are feeling you are not enough in your relationship, and I know that it's draining when you feel unworthy and inadequate about yourself. It can make you feel isolated and afraid that those around you may leave, but trust me; numerous people, including myself, have also felt this way. I want you to know that you are not alone. I hope you will soon realize that *you* are enough and that no other person can define you. Often the real reason for these feelings reflects how you feel about yourself. Here are some thoughts regarding how we can overcome these feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.

Self-love / Compassion:

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

The first step in stopping feelings of unworthiness is showing yourself some love. Now yes, I know how hard loving and accepting yourself is; however, making tiny steps toward building self-confidence and self-love will only result in more incredible things. Try thinking of loving yourself unconditionally as you love your children and pets. Often when we love ourselves with conditions. We will only allow ourselves to show self-love once we lose this weight or get a particular job. We tell ourselves that we are only worthy if we reach these conditions. So I ask you: Why do you need to wait to meet these conditions or wait for things to change? It is a good time to start making changes and showing yourself love today.

Self Talk / Inner thoughts

“Bring up a nurturing inner voice. This is not a harsh, critical, or depriving voice, and it is not an overly sweet, indulging voice. It is a warm, kind voice that cherishes you and accepts you for who you are. In time, this voice will become your own, but for now it can be any voice that meets your needs.”

On your journey, it is essential to be aware of your self-talk. How we talk to ourselves affects how we feel and how we view ourselves. When we learn to have more positive self-talk, we are more confident, motivated, productive, self-confident, and have fewer negative emotions. We must learn to quiet the negative self-talk of judging and criticizing our actions and feelings. When we feel that we are not good enough for others, the voice of our inner critic often makes us question our self-worth, escalates our self-doubt, and diminishes our self-confidence. Awareness of how we talk to ourselves is the first step, and slowly changing the narrative to being more positive is the next step. Rember, there is no one like you, and there never will be, and being happy with yourself matters most.

Become your own Best Friend

"Stop looking out, start looking in. Be your own best friend. Stand up and say this is mine."

A great way to start treating yourself with kindness is to imagine how you might speak to a friend who is experiencing a failure, a disappointment, or any struggle you are currently having. Think about how they struggle, suffer, and feel stuck with this problem. Write out the words you would say to your friend or family member and then say them gently to yourself. Allow yourself to feel supported, and give yourself what you need. It might help to take your advice and put your needs first. If that means taking a day off from work or watching a movie, whatever it is, put that at the top of your list. Making friends with ourselves means that our inner voice speaks with kindness and a gentle, light-hearted tone. It's okay to be nice to yourself, and it's okay to love who you are. You have permission to stop beating yourself up and take care of you.

Positive Affirmations / Gratitude

"I Am... Two of the most powerful words, for what you put after them, shapes your reality."

While there are many opinions about what can benefit people, I have found inspiration towards positive affirmations and gratitude. Positive affirmations can impact your self-love and healing. For example, you can leave little notes with short mantra sayings around the house, like "I accept myself." Both consciously and subconsciously, these sayings can become the truth with repetition. Great things can also come from practicing gratitude, which can be essential for self-improvement. Knowing what we appreciate in life means knowing who we are, what matters to us, and what makes each day worthwhile. Some of the best ways might be to keep a journal or dedicate a five-minute reflection before dinner. Positive affirmations and practicing gratitude can slowly change your views on yourself and your life.

The bigger picture

"Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun, and the moon. They shine when it's their time."

When trying to solve any problem, it can be helpful to find where the problem originated from and answer the question of 'why?'. For example, one cause of feeling unworthy might be comparing ourselves to others. Often we look towards social media and see our shortcomings in life. We see all these models and picture-perfect lives. You receive constant messages about what you need to do, look like, and act like to be accepted. It can make you feel like you should hide parts of yourself that aren't perfect and don't fit the social norm. Social media is setting us up to fail with its unrealistic standards. We must take an honest step back to reevaluate our relationship with social media and how we compare ourselves to others. We need to find a balance between wanting to become better people for ourselves and the right reasons and setting unrealistic standards because we see someone else looking/doing. What works for one person doesn't mean it works for another. Find what works for you, and remember, there is only one amazing you.

Finding support

"Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest things you can do."

Finally, reaching out for support can be one of the hardest things to do and overcome. However, I want you to know you don't have to go through this alone. Finding someone you trust to help you with this process is essential. If you have access to therapy, that can be a great path; however, it's only possible for some. Support can come from friends, parents, partners, therapists, support groups, and online support. We must be aware of who we surround ourselves with and how those people influence us. Surrounding yourself with good, supportive people can raise your self-worth and self-confidence so that you can thrive. Sometimes, spending time around unhealthy people lowers your self-esteem, confidence, and love. Finding support can also come through trusting and being honest with your partner. Without calling blame, having a calm and mature conversation about how you feel can strengthen your relationship. Solid and open communication can be a sound foundation for any healthy relationship.

Final Thoughts

I know that this is hard and that it is uncomfortable and challenging work. However, it will get better with awareness, taking small steps, consistency, support, and having the right information. A fulfilling, whole life with genuine self-confidence and love is possible. The good news is that at the end of the day, no matter what anyone tells you, you're a fantastic, amazing person who deserves nothing but self-love and compassion. Remember, you are a human being, and this journey is not perfect, so it's okay to make mistakes, but we are here for you every step. I wish you good luck with everything.

Key Words: parents, partner, self-esteem, social media, self-worth, good news, best way, first step, human beings, children, therapy, self-love, family member, better person, good time, good luck, inner critic, self-doubt, negative self-talk, real reason, whole life, amazing person, self-confidence, voice, right thing, healthy relationship, great things, information, communication, end of the day

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Question: What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

I believe that everyone has felt less than at some point in their life or in a certain situation. You could be an expert with computer coding, the person everyone goes to for that, but uncertain how to approach another person in a social situation. You could be the social butterfly who becomes overwhelmed trying to do a mathematical calculation in your head. Neither one is less than the other for stress, and everyone has something that brings it out in them.

The question then becomes how you deal with your feelings. When you begin to feel "less than", acknowledge the feeling and pause. Take a deep cleansing breath and reaffirm your best qualities. Say to yourself "I am a good person, and I am very good at .....". Take stock of your body language: good posture, calm face, and eye contact all elevate your self-esteem. And when something awkward happens, release your sense of "less than" with a wry chuckle at yourself. Laughing releases endorphins, elevating your mood, and in retrospect tripping over your feet metaphorically speaking might be funny.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

• Believe in yourself the way your small child does
• Help yourself the way you'd help a dear friend in need
• Trust yourself the way your dog trusts you
• See yourself the way you were meant to be seen

Question: What to do when you feel like you are not good enough for someone

I am really sorry you are having these feelings and I am glad you have reached out for support. Please know you are not alone. It’s been estimated that as many as 85% of adults and adolescents ( including myself) suffer or have suffered from feelings of low self worth or feeling like you are not good enough. A quick internet search will provide you with a barrage of tips showing just what a popular subject this is. These feelings can develop in friendships, romantic relationships and family dynamics just to name a few. They can cause very strong emotions and be hard to overcome. One of my favorite tips that has worked for me is when your inner critic is filling your head with negative self talk, stop and notice. Ask yourself if these statements are true fact or if they are just a story you are telling yourself. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. How would you respond if your best friend were saying these things about themselves? Many people have found that meditation and positive affirmations have helped improve their feelings of self love. You may have to try a few things before you find what works for you and remember that progress may be slow and wavering but if you keep working at it I have confidence you will be able to realize how valuable and loved you really are. And remember, your friends at 7cups are always here when you need help on your journey, so please don’t hesitate to use the site for continued support.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Question: What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

Answer:

Many things might lead us to feel like we are not good enough for someone. This can stem from our relations with our parents, partners and, in general, with each other as human beings. It is important to communicate and see if these thoughts are founded in the truth or are negative self-talk. It is essential to acknowledge our thoughts but know at the end of the day, they are not always indicators of the facts. It is also vital to pour self-love and remember that as long as you are good enough for yourself, that’s all that matters. No one cannot pour from an empty cup. There is no actual definition of good enough. Therapy might do great things to help you sort through this. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help you sort through these thoughts, and in a healthy relationship, you do not have to feel good enough for someone; you are.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Question: What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

Provided Keywords: parents, partner, self-esteem, social media, self-worth, good news, best way, first step, human beings, children, therapy, self-love, family members, better person, good time, good luck, inner critic, self-doubt, negative self-talk, real reason, whole life, amazing person, self-confidence, voice, right thing, healthy relationship, great things, information, communication, end of the day

Many of us may have experienced feelings of not being good enough for someone or not being able to meet expectations, perhaps since childhood. How or why do these feelings or thoughts come about? Humans are social beings, and naturally have a need to connect with others (be accepted, loved, to belong), especially loved ones. Hence, when we feel we aren’t good enough, we automatically feel rejected, which may lead to feelings of self-doubt and low self-worth.

Now that we know why it happens, and how natural it is to feel this way, it would be helpful if we can find out what is causing the feeling and what evidence exists that confirms your feelings (e.g. perhaps you are worried that you aren’t good enough because of your past negative experiences with people, but the current person involved says that you are fine the way you are). Think about past interactions with that person, and if possible, communicate regarding what they think about you.

If it is something about your personality or actions that “you” think requires a change, and you can try to control it, then you could work on it because it may benefit you and your relationships in general. Taking a personal example, I thought I just wasn’t good enough for my friend who genuinely cared for me. After analyzing I realized that, in short, my feelings could be because I wasn’t actually putting any effort into our friendship, never showed or communicated that I cared and just assumed that they understood how I felt about them.

However, if the feeling is imagined, because of not being able to meet high expectations, because of something that you cannot control, you have already tried your utmost best, or the only way to be “good enough” for them is to change your values or who you are, then you may need to make a decision here. You could choose what is most important to you, and whether you would be fine with the outcomes of that choice, i.e., to try being better for the person, or be who you are, along with thinking about the advantages and disadvantages of both choices.

Since expectations are never-ending and trying to be perfect for people could tire us out eventually in the long run, people have started focusing on self-acceptance, self-love and being their best versions, rather than comparing and meeting unrealistic real or imagined expectations. From my experience, I’ve found that it is difficult to analyze thoughts and feelings, to be realistic, and to focus on my needs or wants, but daily reminders of my learning over the years, how I have overcome struggles, my current strengths, and being around people who give importance to themselves while respecting others helped me to see my own worth.

So, while we might not be able to be "good enough" for every person, which includes our loved ones, we could instead focus on what we can control (e.g., our thoughts and behavior rather than others’ perspective of us) and give importance to ourselves as we have only one lifetime. This could slowly help us to feel less burdened, more self-confident, to notice who cares and appreciates us, and also to find new people who accept us just as we are.

(Note : Thank you to anyone who will be providing me with constructive feedback 😊 I would really appreciate it.)

@SoulfullyAButterfly