Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
@Tinywhisper11
Those last couple of segments were for you, my brainiac self keeps forgetting to put usernames first.
Also I do wish I was there to hold your hair back and hold your hand.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂 it's ok, I know they were for me ❤ I feel very weak again, so my carer put me back into bed, I'm gonna try sleep so I will be well enough to go sit outside later ❤ you go to bed soon to ok? You probably need to wait till you take your pain meds, but then straight to sleep young man!! ❤❤❤ squeezes you tightly ❤
💕💕💕Hugs and I Love You 💕 💕💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your sleeping peacefully right now ❤❤ I'm feeling ok at the moment, so I'm hoping to go outside in a hour or two ❤❤
Sounds peaceful ❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey you ❤❤ did you take your pain meds yet??
@Tinywhisper11
I took my 6 pm batch , not sleepy so I will stay up until midnight meds. ❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙁 bless you. Hugs you tightly ❤ I'm gonna try eat something soon. What do you recomend???
where you a good cook, when you could cook?
@Tinywhisper11
I have no ideas for any recommendations.
I Wasn’t that good of s cook. I could do a few basic things but give me a recipe and I couldn’t accomplish an edible result. ❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 that's ok. I've never tried to cook, so if we lived together, we'd have to live of icecream😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I think I'm gonna have to lie down again. I feel like crap🙁 I hope after your next meds you'll be able to sleep too ❤❤ gives you a giant hug ❤I love you ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope your sleeping well right now ❤ I went outside for half hour😁 yaaaay! Now I am froze. It's not even cold out😂😂
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hope your ok ❤❤gives you a giant hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I just woke up after a few hour nap. I added some melatonin to my midnight pills to try and help get me to sleep. ❤️❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️❤️
I just went to get my bottle of melatonin pills and due to where it was I am not sure if I took any or not. I don’t remember anything other that I wanted to and was going to . I know I took my midnight pills because I put them in a designated bowl beside my bed at the same time I take my 6pm set of pills.
I do utilize an organizer for most of my meds. But my noon and midnight ones are just the oxycodone and now the softener. Due to memory issues I started an actual pen to paper journal of approximate times I took scheduled meds. To ensure that I did or didn’t take them.
I am in need of a good scrubbing. It is started to affect my mood. Not that anyone including me, could or would notice.
My house needs cleaning,
Personal mental dilemma…I need someone to help take care of me, including bathing … a caretaker or nurse?? Fine except for a couple of details, my trust issues and I haven’t had any one touch me other than doctors, nurses at hospitals, clinics for over 15 years. I have big issues with being touched and some issues with my looks and how I feel about it. I don’t want anyone to be that close to me unless it’s a person really close to me, but then that creates another issue…I don’t want a person that would be that close to me mentally to be put in position of caretaker and maid, with nothing I can do to return the care.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I've been wracking my brain here about getting yourself clean. You could get some bathing wipes. They're disposable wash cloths and already wet. And some dry shampoo. Or if you can sit at the kitchen sink. A towel under a chair to catch water on the floor and one on the chair - hopefully they aren't clothed. And a towel to dry off with. These are just thoughts and I understand if the pain is too bad to do any of this. I have to admit I have doubled up a dose of pain meds if there was something I needed to do - not that I'm advising or suggesting. You need one of those walk in tubs. Where you don't have to step high to get into it. And one of those shower seat things
@mytwistedsoul
I do have wipes, that helps, unfortunately pain limits reach. I have seriously thought about a bath and soaking for awhile. I’m just fearful of my capabilities to get out.
I thought about med idea as well but I don’t want to risk the progress that is being made in regards to pain management plus I hate medication so if I am not already addicted to the medication I fear increasing on my own may increase the chances of addiction. I also don’t want additional issues to interfere with surgeon appointment.
I have looked into the cleaner possibility but my anxieties take over.
Maybe as time passes, my anxieties will cave in a little.
Thank you my friend ❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome. You've got alot of valid points here. If you decide to chance the tub and a soak - put your phone handy. Maybe you could try around the time when you take your meds? That way they'll kick in while you're in the tub and it might make getting out alittle easier? If you do have a towel handy to make sure your hands and the edge of the tub is dry. They get slippy - especially if you're trying to leverage yourself out
Which that also goes for similar things outside of that particular situation.
A face to face friendship would be outside my abilities as well. My mental and physical issues create a lot of barriers for that type of scenario. What little I know about friendships comes from life’s observations and reading. However a friendship should be reciprocating. Hopefully I am using that word correctly. We should help each other when needed. I’m so far down in the darkness I am not reliable to do so. It would be a mainly one sided relationship. I want to be able to help, but my thoughts and my body fight against things like that.
I am not trustworthy enough for myself, which means I definitely am not trustworthy enough for a friendship. A friendship cannot last being one sided.
Someone like me , who will continuously long for what will never be. Someone like me, who has more issues on the negative than any tiny strands of positive, providing they truly exist. I am trusting the word of my friends here who say that they do exist. Someone like me, who continuesly feels the weight of their baggage which might as well be the weight of the world bearing down upon them, someone like me, who has no strength left, which in turn shuts down the little desire and will in order to eliminate resistance. Someone like me who realizes the futility of longing and submits to the reality of the situation. Someone like me who is here but always there.
Someone like me, who’s thoughts and body have overtaken the controls. And are guiding me towards the unknown while constantly giving the extra effort to make sure my brain keeps me struggling in the darkest corners of the abyss. Someone like me that even though they are completely surrounded by the darkness of this abyss are somehow able to appreciate and be thankful and grateful for the friends here that have woven a strand of thread that has managed to find me and continues to try and share their warmth and kindness as often as they can. Someone like me will always be desperate to be what I can never be. Someone like me. Who am I kidding, this someone is me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's not letting me heart your last two writtings, sorry. With a carer yeah it's not easy to get used to, I hate being touched. But it's a need, I couldn't survive washing myself, cleaning and cooking and stuff. But you kinda just get used to it. If you ever had one, I know if you had one, after a while it would be like you can't survive without them, and you would be friends. Someone who looks at you with nothing but care in their eyes, and a living heart towards you ❤ I do understand your fears around it though. I had and have the same ones 🙁