Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I know I need to but due to extreme constipation from meds I don’t want to eat much of anything. I try and just can’t. The food tastes inedible, almost gross tasting. I have been taking softeners that have helped a little.
I’m a mess, completely messed up . I think about food and my stomach turns.
I’m of the mind to just try and keep going back to sleep when I wake from each little nap.
I am all alone and that is my fault, but that doesn’t change this complete emptiness I feel.
This is a sign of what’s to come. I don’t have any hope or strength left to handle any of it.
I am struggling as I have never struggled before. I have found friends here. That has affected me in a way that is something I have never experienced before. It has created a strange feeling in me.
I’m trying to force myself to eat and my stomach is rejecting it.
Why should I want to continue this with no purpose. ?
I have friends here, and as wonderful as that is, that doesn’t fill the massive void that has no chance of being filled inside me.
This lack of love, of friends and family, of having someone by my side to share everything with, of being held in a loving embrace, of feeling loved, of feeling the love of the simplest of things like holding hands, this void is a vacuum that is draining me. Possibly this is the darkness I live in. A place which should be filled with love and happiness and pure positivity , is my screwed up mind and pure negativity capable of doing that?
It would make sense. After all this time, the years of accumulated negativity and struggles would need a home filled with darkness and where better than a place that is so void of anything positive that it has become a powerful vacuum desperately trying to pull in anything to fill the space. So in desperation it let the negativity in and the negativity took root and replaced any remnants of positive anything with pure negativity. Then that vacuum of darkness fed off of any and all negative energy and grew stronger and stronger. Thus taking over everything regarding me.
*** in any positivity and grinding it up and disposing of it as quickly as it comes in.
Also explains why I am destined to live in the darkness till my last breath.
That would explain why anything positive that comes my way here gets converted towards negative thoughts rather quickly.
why so much positivity embraced in so much love, kindness, wrapped in the pure warmth of the brightest of light rooted in positivity and love that is sent to me, gets converted so quickly by one opportunity of my thoughts to utilize my guilt to twist that positive energy into something negative with what appears to be a very simple way.
I think that just solidifies my thinking that I am destined to be this way forever. I don’t have the strength, I am the weakest I can ever remember being. Which I know doesn’t mean much considering my brain issues. The weakest in spirit and actual physical strength.
If this line of thinking is true, I don’t have a chance of winning this internal war. So my destiny is as I have thought. To continually spiral downward into a bottomless abyss.
This all feeds into the notion of giving up completely. To just lay here and not get up at all.
I am in agreement with that notion. However, there is something, I don’t know what it is, something is I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like it’s poking me and tugging at me at the same time.
I don’t understand what it is or what it means. I am just as confused as I always am.
Why, as this crud continues, does every revelation I have, involve the facts that continuing is fruitless?
The reality I live with day to day, supports those facts. Any picture I may have had regarding a positive outlook has been completely erased.
What has it been? Six weeks? I am definitely not doing very well. I was not doing very well before this , but losing my mobility and the other things that are accruing since that time is amounts to a major loss in regards to keeping things on the path.
My continual mentioning my loss of mobility is a fact that plays into trying to understand me . I feel ashamed for my referencing this at all due to the multitude of people like Tinywhisper who have lost mobility and are fighting daily to keep going themselves. I can’t speak for them or even remotely understand what they go through on a daily basis.
I can only speak for myself, and my situation as it relates to my personal situation.
Six weeks of being forced by my pain into bed. Not being able to bathe in that time frame. A few minutes under the water in the shower , maybe a total of three or four times since working last. Most of that time is in extreme pain.
just the act of sitting on the toilet creates massive pain.
The issues I struggled with before this have increased their levels during this time as well. How could anyone expect them not to increase. Completely alone, there’s this community, which one would think I am not completely alone. I have been lucky enough to have a few friends here. Only one that I talk to regularly, she reads my writings and continues to support me as much as she can. I think our friendship is continually growing ,there’s a lot more to learn about each other and my state of mind keeps me from being there for her as much as she is for me. She has her own struggles and our time zones are different so that puts sleep time different as well. But even if they were the same, reality is that she’s got a lot to deal with herself and she has a lot of friends here to talk to .
I am thankful for having her in my life. The bulk of my time is spent alone with my issues and thoughts. . But six weeks of alone time with I am sure months of that in the near future. I don’t know what possibility I have of making it through it on my own.
okay, now my glasses have broken. My last pair. I can’t sit through an eye exam. So I suppose I’ll have to try and tape them together and maybe that will work for awhile.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning ❤❤ I'm glad you got back into the mindset of writting here again 🙂❤ you and me are very different, so you don't need to feel bad about your writtings, you never have to compare yourself with anyone else ❤ your mind is all you've had for a while, now with your mobility gone, it's the only thing left to get you through. So yeah, honey your mental health problems are really gonna get a bit worse. Your at your all time low right now, but something in your brain, hasn't quite given up on hope yet, I'm so proud of you for staying strong and keeping going through all this ❤ you truly are amazing ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami so that vacuum that sucks in everything in your mind. Is kinda like a black hole. But I learned the other day that inside a black hole, is a beautiful array of coulours that shines bright🙂❤ so perhaps your stuck between the dark and the light right now. I will happily sit beside you in the dark, for as long as it takes ❤
you know I believe we all have a purpose a reason. I also think that some of us out reason is to suffer, so I'm the end we can inspire and change others lives. Like you and me ❤