Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yep! Soul was right ❤ soul and me think alike😁 I'm just honoured to know you care about me ❤🙂 it's ok you don't have to answer anyones message, you take your time. Maybe just hearing our messages for now, that way we know your still with us ❤ 

operation went ok, I'm in a lot of pain, stuck on 2 drips. Curtains closed around me so I can't see anyone. I hate hospitals I get so nervous and scared at every little sound. But the worst thing is, I'm sooooooo borrreeddd here🙁 so if you and soul, could come and sneak me out of the hospital that will be great😁

I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Of course we will, where you go, we go.

❤️❤️❤️❤️forever together, I love you, my embrace is forever around you.❤️❤️❤️❤️. I dislike hospitals as well. Continue to get better, we all are patiently waiting by your side.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami So what do we need to break someone out of the hospital? 😁 

@mytwistedsoul

Probably have to roll her out after they gave her some sleep meds, otherwise she’ll give it all away by laughing the whole way out. 😆

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Omgosh you're right! Good thinking!  She would get us busted for sure! 😂😂

@Iamwhoiamwhoami @mytwistedsoul 😂😂😂😂 I can't sleep, people are snoring!!!!! Someone sounds like a donkey, I hate hospitals. Your just gonna have to roll me out laughing, use duct tape or something😂😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

The snoring might be me……😴💤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂 you sound like a donkey too??? 😂😂😂 I don't generally mind snoring, I just really we to go home. And little things are peeing me off

@Tinywhisper11 Crow like a rooster maybe the donkey will wake up 😂 

@mytwistedsoul 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I have nothing to say except😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11 😁 😂😂 I couldn't find the gifs I wanted but these fit pretty good 😂😂

@mytwistedsoul yes they do😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I informed everyone at cups that I'm ok ❤ now it's sleepy time ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ goodnight angel ❤ I'll try write to you again tommorow🙂❤

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️Sweet dreams, I love you ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you more ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I am not sure if that’s possible, you have a lot of friends here and you spread so much love around to so many. However I only have a few and the majority of mine is directed towards you.❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami sorry my eyes keep going blurry, so I can't type for very long, so I'll  be  in and out ❤ 

trigger warning, don't read if you don't like medical stuff

so over the past 4 and a half years, my spine as been narrowing, because of the bottom broken but and wear and tare damage to, that's why the pain has been slowly getting worse, I've really felt it this year, but it could be years down the road yet, till bad things start happening. My neural passage and nerves are still working for my upper body, so with physiotherapy, that part will repair itself and I'll get the feeling back in my left upper body, though the muscles will probably be weaker than the right side. I do physiotherapy every morning with my carers, I call them exercises cause it's easier. They added a few more exercises onto the ones I already do. I have to do the exercises everyday forever, but I knew that anyway. The nurse keeps coming in and stretching my left arm in different ways, my carers will have to do that to, till the feeling comes back and I can move it and do the exercises in my own, so it's all going good ❤

@Tinywhisper11

After reading that the only thing I can say right now is ❤️❤️❤️ I Love You and try to hold you a little tighter in my arms ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna try sleep now ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤❤ stay strong, and if your able to answer. Then how are you doing mentally?? 10 says till your appointment, it won't be long, your doing really well hanging on this long. I'm really proud of you ❤ I know your still in a bad place mentally and physically. But please try and get things ready like transport, and please eat ❤ I'm here for you always ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Sweet dreams, I will try and write a small personal update after a bit.

💕💕💕 I Love You too. Holding you in as snug embrace as I can.💕💕💕

Still definitely not in a good place mentally. Physically about the same. The one medication that I understood I was not going to have for another month, it turned out it I must have misunderstood what I was told. Then there was even misunderstanding by the one pharmacist that I spoke with regarding what day it would be filled. They attempted to fill it on Friday, and the person picking it up for me went there and they didn’t have enough to fill the prescription. Due to the type of medication I opted to not fill it until they had enough. Not being sure about any problems trying to get another prescription for the remaining balance.

Anyway, I got the medication today. But I ran out of it on Friday night so I had to skip cold turkey until today. So, my crybaby self was crying even more the past few days.

So , look for the positive??? I know that that medication is helping dull the pain a little.

I am appreciative of the few supportive messages that you sent over the past several days.

The reality that I realized over the last few days is that with the overall situation I am in is that this community is all I have that now has a hold of something deep inside me.

Even though I’m struggling immensely both physically and mentally. Plus I don’t feel like writing anything here regarding me and my scenario. I kept feeling a strong tugging to come back here . I don’t know what I was expecting, but I kept coming back here to my ramblings. Maybe I was hoping to hear from people. I should know better. I think I said I shut the phone off. I only have a small group of friends here. And they are struggling with their own issues.

I still have no desire to write anymore. Those of you who have read my writings should know that my situation only gets worse. Everyone is probably tired of reading the same stuff day after day, year after year.

I’m not a shining example of what this community is about. I am in a worse place now than when I first came here. I’m not an example of progress towards the positive.

That tugging that kept bringing me back here was also a responsibility to my friends here, especially Tiny who I promised to never leave her side, I wasn’t, at a time she needed me there, I wasn’t.

I am losing focus.

The thoughts that have bounced around inside my head for the past, how many days, have maintained the same level of darkness for the entire time. In fact the dreams that haunt me maintain the same script.

Even those dreams interlaced the self shaming surrounding my whining about how bad I have it, when my friends are suffering as much, probably more.

And that compounds the darkness’s own belief in its own truth.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Iam? Community is what you make it. Realistically we all know that we can't be here 24/7. It's impossible and while we're not here all the time that doesn't mean we aren't with someone in spirit and in heart ❤️ 

I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting so much right now. It's ok to not write - it's ok to write. It's ok to rant and rave. It hard to be positive when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and just waiting. Waiting for appointments - waiting for things to stop hurting. I hope your surgery happens shortly after this next visit. Maybe that will help you see some light in your darkness? 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami wow, you were out of meds for a week😮😮 that's not good, I would have done the same thing as you, cry like a baby. I once cried for 14 hours straight😎 ok yeah that's not a good brag😂😂 thank you for forcing yourself to write a update ❤ I've said this before, it doesn't matter who's rich and who's poor, doesn't matter who's had it easy and who's had it hard, doesn't matter who you are or where you came from, we all feel, we all hurt and we all bleed, the same ❤ no-one has it better or worse than anyone else ❤ some just need a little more help and love and kindness, like you do ❤ that's why me, soul and your other friends are here beside you ❤ and we are ready to listen when your ready to talk. There is no pressure, no hurry. You take your time getting back to a place where your able to communicate with us ❤ just heart our messages now and again, so we know your still with us ❤ gives you a giant hug, I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I just wanted to clarify one little thing. I was only out of one medication, the Percocet/oxycodone , for a little over three days. I take one med for nerve pain, and one med for muscle pain. (Percocet/oxycodone), one more med for muscle spasms plus the other meds for misc issues.

Just a few days of one medication. During that time period it felt like a week or longer but only a few days. Once my body has a medication like that one. It’s not so bad taking it a little late or completely skipping one dose. But to go several days without, then it takes a few days of taking it again to reregulate my body with that medication.

Why I felt the need to explain it to you, I haven’t a clue. I’m sure you know that with the medications that you’re probably taking.

Have I told you lately ❤️❤️💕. I love you, embracing you snuggly in my arms 💕❤️❤️

❤️I love you too ❤️

There is something that someone said earlier that keeps haunting my thoughts. It was something about how community is what you make of it. Hopefully my wording is close to what it was.

If that is true then I would have to say that means like in the physical world, I won’t ever find a spot for me out in the open. My place will always be hiding like a hermit. Both here and in the physical world.

My writings, ramblings, are mainly my interpretation so to speak, of a single strand or two of thoughts that are bouncing around in my head. It may be a few words that I grasp or a complete sentence or two. Possibly I suppose I may grasp a word or two then that strand slips away and I quickly grasp another word or two from another strand. I probably am not even aware of that happening, hence the confused repeated writings.

I lay here for quite awhile most of the time while I am writing, and a few words, maybe even a few sentences come easily then I have to pause or I attempt to force it and just write anything not really focusing on what I am writing. I glance back over to try and catch spelling errors, and maybe even read a little bit of what I wrote.

Whoever reads my writings probably gets frustrated with me, especially if they have attempted to respond to some of my writings in an attempt to help me. My writings reflect how I react in the physical world as well. I hide myself from the physical world so nobody knows my true thoughts. I hide from most of the community here, I don’t hide my thoughts here, I just don’t venture outside of my little corner here. My social anxiety plays out here, just the same as in the physical world.

I will never fully belong here, out in the open, hidden where only a few dare to go know of my existence. They have accepted me. Like the physical world, as long as I stay where I am I can remain in my hiding spot.

I don’t think I am going to continue the listener conversation. It is a pointless venture outside my sport.

So Twist , if you are Willing, you can respond in kind.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi Iam.

So you're a hermit! (You told 2 times lately). I guess that's the way you want to live? It was sad that you don't want to continue the listener conversation.  All for now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh sh*t yep those were my words. I think I was referring to the part you wrote "I’m not a shining example of what this community is about. I am in a worse place now than when I first came here. I’m not an example of progress towards the positive." My thoughts were you don't have to be a shining example or an example of progress towards the positive - just be you as is

I forgot to put Helgafy and Working in with the group 

Sorry about that 😞

@mytwistedsoul

LOL!!!! 

@mytwistedsoul

I am sure that I grasped your true meaning at the time I read them , I usually do. But my mind grasps things and manipulates them and glues them to other thoughts.

I always appreciate, respect , and am thankful for every word that you, and the others say to me. I never take them for granted.

You have wonderful intentions with every word you write, and I try to read through them a couple of times before I either respond or move on. I do that to try and help possibly remember them. Unfortunately, my mind is not a trap anymore, it is a rotten strainer that has massive holes in it, catching some things but the good stuff falls through.

I am losing focus again, sorry

@mytwistedsoul

There has been something bothering me for awhile. I knew it involved you and something that I said to you. So I scrolled back over several pages of writings and found this segment I wrote and found the very last sentence was the main point that was bugging me. I hope I didn’t upset you, I guess I worded it that way figuring you would know what I was inferring while keeping a little secrecy. And hopefully not upsetting you.

I was referring to you in regards to possibly being my listener. I was probably wrong, as I usually am, but it was something that bugged me a little. If you were the listener, it’s no problem with me. The little thing that bugged me about it is the secrecy involved.

Our friendship is very important to me and I don’t want to lose it for any reason, especially if it’s something I said that caused it.

I was also leading to the point that I think most things can be discussed here, within my writings. I have no secrets that I am aware of. Yes, there are topics probably discussed in a more private setting.

If I upset you , I apologize deeply for doing so. I am sorry. 💜💜

@Iamwhoiamwhoami No worries Iam. You haven't upset me at all. I'm not your listener though. I haven't had an active listener account in years. And I wouldn't be a listener to a friend that way - it would make things awkward I think. Because I would worry about saying or mentioning something they told me in private in the forums. Nah I would have told you upfront that hey this is Twist or Soul - do you want to talk? or something along that line ❤️ so it's all good 😊 

@mytwistedsoul

That is a big relief, thank you.💜💜

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome 😊

You hanging in there ok? I know it's hard and you're hurting a lot - you're getting closer - hold on ok? There's many hands here to help you keep your grip ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Same nonsense different day.

All the hands are very important to me, thank you to all reach out and grasp hold❤️

I also googled "hermit". Google said that many become "hermit" of religious reasons (but you have never told that that was your reason for becoming one).

@Helgafy

I live like a hermit. I live in a really small town of a few houses. My issues that I struggle with, including social anxiety and partially because of my being a trans person at my core are probably a big reason I live this way. I’m the person in the town that people know of yet they probably talk like they know me amongst themselves. And in reality they know nothing about me and they truly don’t care about me. I’m that person in the neighborhood that probably has so many stories made up about them based on tiny strands of facts.

I’m not religious but I’m neither a believer nor a nonbeliever. I welcome prayers or whatever someone’s belief uses similar to that effect. So my living this way is not a religious choice. It’s more a personal decision based on my issues that I struggle with.

I feel that I don’t belong anywhere. Society here is not as open, inclusive and accepting as they try and tell everyone else.

I tried not to ramble here, but I tried to explain my reasons for my choice of living this way.

Thank you…

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You're a son of the most high God, Jesus Christ, and you're loved to your very core by Him. Do not ever forget that. You're so much loved that Jesus Christ laid down his life for you and died for you on the cross so you could have connection with God. All what you are are loved, your feelings, your thoughts. You asked me earlier if I accepted you as you are and I said yes. How much more than me God can accept you AND love you for just the one you are. Please never forget that. Maybe you should write down what I wrote to you here and read it each day if you feel it's good/important to you.