Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Spoiled the minimum pain moment. Got up went to the bathroom and it made sure to remind me that it was still there and still going strong.
Even though it possibly is fleeting I am grateful for the little reprieve from the extreme pain and discomfort.
I am disappointed with myself for being so far gone mentally , physically and emotionally. I read what so many others go through and envy the strength and courage they possess. I know they experience similar feelings that I do . I lack the positive roots to mix in. I also know we all handle things differently, we all experience things differently, and our minds and bodies react differently. However I believe that there are certain ingredients needed in our core being in order to make it through life. I don’t think anyone goes through life unscathed, Just that some hide it better than others. The fear of talking about anything for fear of judgement or worse, that the judgement that is made creates individuals that feel they are justified in carrying out sentencing on their own . There are things that are at the core of me that I don’t discuss here very often for fear of that type of behavior.
Some of those things don’t really matter because it is too late in my life to do anything about those things. Also because I think that this latest physical issue has changed something involving my path, my journey. Something deep inside me is telling me that this may very well have shortened my journey.
I apologize to all who struggle day to day and fight their own demons regularly. I am not as strong as you all are.
I have been told many times over the past several decades that a purpose and or a reason is helpful if not necessary in order to overcome these issues. However I have no purpose or reason. I only see myself as I am .
I see a person who has no positive no purpose or reason for anything
That sense of purpose is something I truly lack. I always have lacked that. When I have only ever felt pain and misery. I feel gratitude. But true emotions I lack. I see the positive the neutral and the negative that happens around me. However I don’t relate to any of it. My negativity seems to be of a different breed, it won’t interact with anyone else’s negativity. It maintains its own identity.
I’m still unsure of my future, I am unsure of my present. Heck, I’m unsure of my past. How can I hold onto anything when all I have is doubt
Trigger warnings for multiple things suicidal thoughts and related, violence
It gets old having thoughts like these day after day, year after year. It gets old having the same internal battles day after day, year after year.
How can one not be beaten down.
to repeatedly be berated and harassed by my own mind. Multiple times a day. Thousands of times a year . Multiplied by decades. How can I not be beaten down. Actually at some point I was down and my mind kept going and beating me while I was down. How can I not believe what my mind was saying with every single blow.
How can I expect to be anything but what I am after all this time. Multiple anxieties, severe depression, too many pains to count. Insecurity off the charts. Lack of positivity rooted in negativity. Somehow still breathing.
I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t know what direction things are headed from one moment to the next.
This continual state of limbo is not a comfortable place for me, especially with my state of mind
What do I have to do to appease whoever is pulling the strings of my life in order to stop all this?
I have suffered enough, I don’t have the strength for any of this.
continually berating me to no end. I don’t understand. I can’t grasp why this unseen foe is so enthralled with ensuring my misery.
It’s amazing how intense these thoughts are . After all these years they increase intensity and I get weaker almost like it feeds off my expelled energy.