Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
The things that race and bounce around in my head must’ve either crashed or temporarily ran out of fuel. My mind is scarily quiet
The quiet is nice . I just feel like anything that eases up or changes is a definite sign of something else is going to go bad.
I definitely don’t do well with change, small things are really difficult. Now I am facing way too big of changes and way too many of them all coming back to back.
@Timywhisper11
I fear that something is very wrong., I truly hope you are ok. I hope that it is not my fault, I always mess up anything positive in my life. You are extremely important to me . You are very wonderful and beautiful person. I am lost without you.
I have a feeling reading my pure negative dark thoughts has somehow hurt Tiny causing her to disappear.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami souls right ^-^ I'm sure she's got you in her thoughts just as you've got her in yours.
I hope so. I just have this feeling something is wrong. But I am all screwed up and nothing is as it should with me so I suppose it is just me being me. Sorry, I should’ve said thank you not rambling my self depreciation.
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's alright ^^ Sometimes it helps to not give the self blame or the negative thoughts so much importance. Even if you can't feel it, it's worth trying to persist and hold on to the positive or the neutral ones. Not everything has to be a fault of yours<3 Give yourself permission to take off the weight of all the blame, allow yourself some compassion.
I understand and agree with your saying. But those things, self blame and negative thoughts are interlaced in my core.
I try to not blame myself and I think since coming here and really writing a lot, I haven’t blamed myself as much. I look at the facts that I know and then try and decide that. In this case most of the facts point towards me. So, backing off writing is the only logical choice.
Thank you for everything,
@Iamwhoiamwhoami No I can't see that. I sort of remember seeing somewhere that she hasn't been feeling well lately - a cold or a flu bug. She'll return as soon as she can - she just has to rest up a bit ❤️
I think it’s a good idea for me to put my writings on hold. I think that would be for the best.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's ok to ramble. You can rant and rave. It's really ok Iam. If writing here helps in anyway - even if it's just to pass the time than please - write
Tiny is such a bright and caring person. She gives so much of herself to alot of people. The only problem with that is sometimes your batteries need to recharge. Like that saying so many use here - you can't pour from an empty cup ❤️
Everyone has been kind enough to let me ramble here. Doing so I believe helps dull the edge a little. However I think Tiny might have been triggered by helping me through an extremely difficult situation that was similar to something that she may have experienced. I should have just stayed quiet and suffered in silence. She is an angel with a heart of gold. More strength than most people to have gone through what she has and continues to go through and bring and spread so much love, kindness, support, and joy to so many here.
She chose to do so with me . I am and will always be grateful to her. However, I should have stopped a long time ago because I knew the darkness I live in was a place for nobody else to be exposed to, especially someone as special as her. So, regardless of the fact she willingly and knowingly (truly not knowing the true depths of the darkness) explored my writings. Does not take any guilt away from me.
So , I think that I should at the very minimum, avoid writing here for awhile. It is probably the wrong decision considering that is the only kind of decisions I make. But for know I need to process the guilt I feel, along with everything else.
Thank you everyone for your kindness and support.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm in hospital I've been here for a couple of days, I think. I'll catch up when I get to go home, please be safe. I love you ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 feel better soon 💜❤️
@Tinywhisper11 you're so missed<3 ^-^ Hope you feel better soon.
@Tinywhisper11. Get well soon ❤️.