Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I was thinking that if you haven't heard from the doctor yet I would call them. I can't promise that it will help them move faster but at least they would be aware that the pain hasn't eased and there's numbness. I worry that the longer you wait there could be more damage
There’s an online method using my account at the hospital and doctors that allows me to send messages and such to the doctor or nurse and keep them updated . I don’t update like I do here, but I condense it quite a bit.
Doing more damage does concern me also. And struggling with everything else at the same time. I am grasping for what I can to avoid spiraling.
Thank you again for checking in on me.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for continuing to reach out and support me with your kindness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's nice they have that feature and I'm glad you're making use of it. At least they're aware and hopefully make the time to look into things sooner rather than later. It's hard when there's so much coming at you and you were already dealing with other things
That's what friends are for! Sending good vibes your way
it is a useful system but it is integrated among many hospital networks and appointments like the one I am waiting for scheduling on has to go through the red tape process due to different hospital than my main provider. So it’s a waiting game for all involved in scheduling.
This waiting game is definitely not going to be a short one. It sure isn’t being too friendly on my nervous anxieties.
Maybe I have updated the doctors office too much, maybe I am just that irritating patient that ends up getting ignored because they are annoying. I haven’t heard anything from them today. There office is now closed for the day.
I think it’s going to be another long night.
I have nothing really new, Just getting extremely impatient and frustrated with this waiting and waiting while I keep attempting to struggle along.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami actually I think you do have to keep on to them, to get things moving faster. So don't worry about being that annoying patient, it's important to let them know ❤ I hope you were able to get some sleep, hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I will try and call them tomorrow. You have been in my thoughts quite often today. I sleep a little here and there. Since this back and leg thing my body has been in an extremely offbeat state. Even before that I would sleep at most 2-3 hours and then I am awake for a bit, If I laid there long enough I would doze off for a little while again.
❤️ Hugs you tightly as well.❤️
In a lot of pain, I don’t think it’s going to ease any time soon.
The darkest of thoughts were completely overwhelming so I ended up moving some somewhat more awkward and heavier things around. I forced myself to continue until the pain level beat back the thoughts. I did have to crawl to the bed several times and lay down just long enough for the pain to ease enough that I could get back up and continue. If I would’ve done the same thing before this back and leg thing, it probably would’ve taken 10 minutes. But it was about an hour for me to complete the same task . I tried coming here multiple times to do the same thing but I couldn’t grasp the words to put down here.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤ I wish I could have your pain, so you wouldn't have to go through all this. I hope the doctor at least contacts you today. Well done for fighting through those dark thoughts, very proud of you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Hugs you back❤️
Thank you for using one of your wonderful wishes on me.
You’re deserving of everything love and happiness . I would
never wish any more pain to be placed on your shoulders.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna go get ready to sit outside with Joshua(my son) and watch the sunrise ❤ I'll check in on you in a bit ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I hope you’re doing well . I thought about the two of you quite a bit since your last message to me. I hope your time spent with him was filled with peace and love. I am squeezing your hand to remind you that I am still here by your side. ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm squeezing your hand too ❤ I've actually just got back inside about 20 minutes ago, it's 27degrees out there, and I think I've overdone it. I'm just gonna try distract myself here, try keep myself together ❤
any news from the doctor?? How's your thoughts been today?? I'm guessing the pain is still unbearable😥 thank you for showing me so much love and care in my time of need ❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I am thankful that you’re still by my side. As far as the doctor is concerned, it is currently 7:20 AM where I am, Doctors office isn’t open yet. I am probably going to try and wait it out for a few hours before I think about calling them.
The pain is bearable if I don’t get up and move around. I still can’t believe I used the pain as a tool to out scream the thoughts. That was kind of dumb on my part. Yet , I probably would do it again unless there was something else that would work.
My thoughts are about the same, the one big difference is that you have been in them quite often, and for some reason, I can grasp onto those thoughts a little more easily, they sometimes do slip away, but if I can keep holding onto them, they help to calm the chaos for a little while.
You are very welcome. I will always be by your side, I am extremely grateful to you for sharing your love with me.
You are very special to me, I don’t know exactly what the words are that I am looking for, but it’s like in this vast emptiness and darkness that I live in there is a sense of comfort and peace, like a piece of something that was missing is now in place.
Due to my issues I struggle with, I am having a little bit of difficulty with one small part of our communications that I need you to try and understand.
You are overflowing with love and warmth. I on the other hand am overflowing with darkness, love is something I know nothing about in regards to how it feels,. That goes for feeling loved as well as loving someone else. Then the different types of love is a whole other thing. I am familiar with the concept but that is it. Love is something that is very important and should not be taken lightly.
I just am uncomfortable putting that word down here, because I don’t want to say it without knowing what I am saying…. My lack of experience with it plus I don’t have family or friends experiences to help guide me . I want our friendship to grow stronger and last for eternity. I do not want to lose your friendship. So, I am probably overthinking as usual, however I want you to try and understand and not be upset that I don’t put those words down here.
Maybe, your love is seeping into my darkness and this warmth is a part of that . But love is a very strong , powerful and important thing to me.
Until this moment, rereading what I just wrote, I didn’t realize how very true that statement is.
I need to stop for a bit.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami aww I understand ❤ love is a strong word. I love you dearly as a friend, but never expect anyone to say it in return🙂 if you like I can stop saying I love you too? I never want to make you feel uncomfortable ❤❤
Using pain to escape your thoughts is not the best method no😂 but I do understand, that mental health can be much worse than physical pain. So I get why you do that, let me know if you get to speak to your doctor ❤❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Please continue to say it if that is what you feel and believe. I don’t want to ever say things I don’t know or understand just because I feel I have to. I want to truly know what I’m saying, and why I’m saying it. I need your light to shine as bright, beautiful and warm as always. Reading that you love me does make me feel a warmth inside.
@Tinywhisper11
Please don’t ever change because of me, You are an important part of my life. Somehow, what you have shining brightly from your very core has made its way deep into my world of darkness and has made me feel warmth. I fear that if you tried to adjust or change that light’s intensity that I would be cold and lost forever.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ I do believe what I say ❤ I'm sorry I'm not in a great place right now 🙁 I'll check back in on you in a bit ❤ please stay safe, the doctor opens soon, I really hope they do something, anything that will relieve this pain your in ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
Finally heard something the Doctors office. No appointment yet. They were trying to figure out what location had the larger MRI machine that I needed the last time. They figured that out now trying to get appointment scheduled.