Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but being thrust into a new world of darkness. Has me scared, confused, and frustrated just to name a few. Unsure of any move I may attempt to make. Second guessing myself at every turn. Well, I suppose I did that before. I don’t know what to think anymore. At least before I was able to claim the darkness as home. Now, I am humbled once again and am on the verge of beginning a cold, lonely , and painful new path that I am not strong enough to handle.
Over the past few hours, I have slept off and on. The pain has minimized to slight throbbing in left leg and a new area of the spine a few inches above the original spot.
went to the bathroom and that woke up the rest of the team. I am not going back to sleep for awhile. Plus it is thundering and lightning outside, I am not a fan of that . I think I used to kind of enjoy it but not as much now.
I really need to change the sheets on my bed, I am not so sure about how I am going to accomplish that but I desperately need to do that. It would be tough enough doing just the sheets but I have to use clip straps to help keep the sheets from slipping off. So I need to flip the mattress on edge to hook up the straps.
I need to sweep and mop the floors. Clean the bathroom. I have a lot of stuff here that I need to do. I just need to figure out a way to make myself power through and get these things done.
I realize that my current situation is seriously restricting any of these things from being accomplished.
However, the bed is definitely something I need to address somehow. Sooner rather than later.
Laying here trying to get the team (pain) to settle down, I am still trying to figure out a realistic way to get through the next couple of days. That is at the minimum. Realistically it could be a lot longer than that. Doctors appointments can take quite awhile as far as openings are concerned.
But, as one of the many mantras here states , tiny steps,
I just realized I need to clean out my refrigerator to, I think I have a lot of expired food in there. Then I will need to go shopping for something other than bagels,
I need to mow my lawn and definitely trim the weeds, they are getting to look like trees.
As I lay here once again stuck with myself for company feeling the constant reminders of my latest predicament, I try to focus on pain areas as of now. Left leg I left half of knee, and the back Is relatively quiet. .
Just realized my right leg is numb . Tried adjusting position and back pain announced its appearance.
I really want to get up and stretch and twist my back/spine to try and ease the pain/discomfort. Then the fear of making it worse, which I already have seemed to accomplished.
It has been an extremely difficult and long, trying ordeal that I am sure is only going to be more difficult as time progresses. My choices made throughout my life have led me to being forced to handle this situation on my own. I have some support here , but that only goes so far. Especially when I am literally trapped in my own thoughts, being forced to try and grasp on to the smallest of fibers of the safer thoughts in order to not give in to the others.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Keep holding on. I know keeping hope when everything seems to be falling apart is so exhausting but sometimes that's all we can do <3 My silly hopes have pulled me through a lot of things and I hope your hopes keep you safe and keep getting so much stronger that your reality has to give in and get better ^^
Thank you.
Hope is a wonderful thing, however I am completely unsure what I am hoping for. I suppose that I might’ve had a strand of hope that I would be normal someday. I cut that strand when I could never determine what normal amounted to. Now, I am trapped inside my thoughts, I truly don’t have any reason for hope. I overthink, but yet when I am where I am, mentally and physically, I can only try and do whatever I can using whatever is available in the moment to get by. I am not a blind faith person, granted if one read my writings , they might be able to infer that I have am still breathing because of blind faith. I beg to differ, I hid myself from everyone and my shell was what I presented. That shell I used to stay hidden and spent a lifetime reinforcing the structure so that the real world couldn’t affect me.
I apologize, I went a little bit deeper than I intended. I truly am thankful you reached out, too bad that I can’t seem to read what people write to me and take it in as intended without over analyzing every aspect of it.
I am truly grateful and thankful for your support and compassion.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you know your shell, your stubbornness yes it was created by you, but you had to go keep yourself safe, it was the best thing for you at the time. Old habits are hard to break, so don't be so hard on yourself ❤ if you want to do things trying doing jobs where perhaps you can sit and do. It's just hard knowing how much pain your in. And the dark dark place, those thoughts are daily things for me too, but you are still stronger than that ❤ maybe ER isn't a great option, but perhaps a phone call to your doctor on Monday explaining the new symptoms may get things moving more qyickly ❤ like you said step by step, your doing a lot better than you think🙂 hugs you tightly ❤❤
There is a communication link set up , basically a private email system that allows that to happen. I have already sent some updates. However I write here the whining majority. I try and not be a burden because of every little ache and pain. Especially considering that there is a step to investigate this further in the works. I did let them know I stopped talking the latest pain medication because it wasn’t working for what it was intended for. I have updated a little on the pain but there is still an eternity of seconds between now and Monday so I will wait until Monday to update further unless things drastically change.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😥 yeah the wait is the worst part😞 sorry sweetie. They don't need to know about the painkillers, and if you tell them, it will just cause you problems. But the numb parts, you need to mention that. Perhaps write a list of things to tell them, just incase you forget anything ❤❤ remember I love you ❤
If it continues through Monday I definitely will. The pain medication, I told them because it is on the controlled substance list here. I don’t know the technicalities of the government watch of these but it is very much on record of my severe depression and long history related to that alone. I am trying not to distract from what needs addressing first. I also wanted it on record so hopefully I would retain that info so I definitely dispose of properly instead of self medicating and trying a higher dose and creating more issues I can’t handle. I think right now my list entails my writings here.
❤️ 🫵
@Tinywhisper11
I don’t ever want to say anything to upset you or talk about anything that upsets you. I only ask that you let me know if I ever do. My overthinking and desire to be as open here as allowed , plus my thoughts the way they are I ramble and drift.
I am in new territory in this friendship with you and I don’t want to lose it for any reason.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry if you ever offend me, I'll tell you ❤❤ but even if you ever do I would no it's not meant intentionally, and I'd still be right here with you ❤❤ forever and ever, like a octopus stuck on your face😂😂
numbness is spreading sporadically in both legs, no rhyme or reason. At least it prolongs the onset of the pain a little. I am sure that is not a good thing in the big picture but at least I can be on my feet a few seconds longer with extreme pain at a minimum.
once the pain takes over the numbness either goes away or is not noticeable beneath the pain.
If it goes to the extreme of completely losing freedom of mobility, I think I can accept that but I don’t think I can handle the complete package. Mobility has been the only thing that has repeatedly helped with dulling the sharpness of my thoughts.
The friends that have found me help me with that and more. But away from here , completely alone and left to my own thoughts and methods, they have no way to help.
My reliance on this community is literally my lifeline. My ability to put in writing my thoughts and feelings plus what I am currently experiencing . It can be extremely difficult to try and check over my writings before I send them here. I try and avoid anything that might be triggering. I have now gotten a little confused in my thoughts, I can’t focus at all.
