Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

It's hard when you're struggling and can't see any progress 💙. It can help to share your worries and struggles with someone just to get a different perspective.  We are here for you. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I agree with @amiablePeace77, it can be sooo frustrating to feel like you keep trying and don't see any progress. 

That doesn't mean there is no progress, however. The fact that you're still here and staying connected with this community is part of the fabric/web of creating an intentional community for yourself. That's huge.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey you! Hope you don't mind that I popped in here. You've been in my thoughts lately and This was the thread of yours that I saw first

How are you Iam? 

I have not been active here for awhile I suppose. Partly due to forgetfulness, partly due to hopelessness.

Having dealt with many of my issues for decades with no improvement, only gradually getting deeper in my maze of darkness. Some issues have only recently been tossed in. 

Talking/writing/typing may take a slight bit of the edge off the searing pain, it is an extremely minuscule almost pointless process. I am the only person in my life and I am beyond seeing any positive result in “recovery” Whatever that may mean/entail for me. The desire for that pipedream has long since vanished. I can barely stand being around me, much less anyone else being around me.

 I think about those here who have reached out and wonder if they have things like friends, family, hobbies or anything that brings them happiness, and/or satisfaction within themselves. 

Then I realize I only know those things (happiness/satisfaction) as words and only by modified definitions.

 I want to say a lot of things to these people. I want to show them I do wish I could take on their pain and misery so they could “recover “ and try and live life to the best of their ability. Bringing positivity and happiness to themselves and others around them.

Focus is going. Enough for now

Time keeps turbulently blowing on by. Yet I am still trapped beneath baggage mountain. Lost in the darkness after shattering the bulbs on my way down. 

Still struggling with health issues, both mental and physical. I’m buried under my issues. Surrounded by the impenetrable barriers that I have rebuilt with extreme reinforcements. 

It seems like I am living two different lives. My true one consisting of my severe issues, extreme depression, social anxiety topping that list. My public one consisting of way over the top (at least in comparison to how I really am) behaviors that are portraying myself as “normal”, not having a care in the world. Leading the world away from my reality. 

Once I am alone, I just about collapse from exhaustion. The play acting is taking its toll. Pretending I am someone I am not to hide the reality of me, whoever that truly is. Hiding the struggles of overwhelming thoughts. Hiding the reality of who/ or how  I truly feel . 

Brain is still saying good night quite regularly. The strange dreams are regular. I honestly don’t know if the past events I remember are actually real or twisted events concocted in my dreams. 

I still have a lot of guilt, I am sure I deserve to feel the way I do . My failures at life have created the blackness in which I live. I doubt a lot of things these days due to memories getting blurred, forgetting things regularly. The aches and pains are punishment my life choices. I deserve what I have become. 

I have reaped what I have sown. I can’t say that I have proof of this. Or of what happened in my past. What happened in the past, whether bad or good, helped mold me into what I am now , so ipso facto, the end result is ……

I actually tried a relationship a few years back. I had promised myself prior to meeting them that if I ever had the opportunity to be with someone again, that complete and extreme honesty was how I would enter into that relationship. 

I did go completely overboard on honesty, They accepted all of me. They unfortunately had serious jealousy issues. So much so my depression kicked in harder than ever. They had a couple of children . I ended up ending the relationship after a few months. I didn’t even bring up the jealousy part or anything on their part, only made myself out to be the only one at fault. I basically ended up , is the term “ghosted” them. I blocked them on all points of contact. 

That was the reality check that proved to me that I everyone is better off with me staying right where I have been in my darkness surrounded by baggage mountain. Never opening up to anyone ever again. I’m far from young, have suffered for too many decades, and it has been shown to me that any other lifestyle is not going to be any part of my path. 

That was the moment that the walls that were destroyed started getting rebuilt with reinforcements. 

I did come here and I think I had a brief moment of peace? Of actual emotional feelings? I may be wrong about this, I don’t trust my memories anymore. 

Then it was ripped away from me. 

I am trying to figure out why I have two artificial trees along with ornaments in boxes on my shelves. I am the furthest from liking holidays as they get. I am just not into it. 

It would be nice if I could say I live everyday like it’s my last, meaning living to its fullest. 

However the opposite meaning applies to my life. Most of the time I live everyday hoping it’s my last, still staying hidden under baggage mountain. 

The internal struggle with this is the underlying wonder if there is a remote possibility of being able to live in the light instead of the darkness. That one tragically impossible possibility is the only thing that has had any effect on my continued existence. 

The reality I live in is a constant state of struggle. Internally, I feel like I’m being viciously pulled apart, while being crushed at the same time. Physically, the constant pain is excruciating. 

The daily struggle of being two different people, the extreme emotional effort it takes to hold back the anxiety attacks and panic attacks while pretending to be someone I am not, is beyond exhausting. I constantly feel more and more like I am on that fence , like I’m on the verge of another complete breakdown, possibly not one I will ever recover from. 

The mental strength it takes to live this way is something I am permanently running out of. 

It is the only way that I have been able to make it to this point. 

I don’t have the strength or the courage to change anything anymore. To be able to honestly say that the kindness and compassion from this community will make everything hunky dory in my world would be amazing, but the reality is it’s not going to happen for me.

I am grateful and thankful for having been a part of this community and being able to have communicated with several wonderful individuals. 

The brain episodes have become a regular part of my daily dealings. Annoying, frustrating, aggravating, but yet could it be a blessing in disguise? Forgetting everything, gone forever. The problem within that is forgetting the basic essentials of getting by. Forgetting my surroundings that have remained the same for years. Forgetting how modern things work, microwaves,  for example. 

Confusing basic everyday facts. Forgetting how to force myself out of bed to go to work, which I have done this job for a long time and yet forgetting how to do my job. 

Social anxiety and everything that comes with it is quickly becoming a bigger issue than I have ever had to face before. I need to go to town and get groceries but since I have really entrenched myself in this situation of being two people, my time not around people is my only sanctuary of a teeny bit of peace. I build myself up to go then get overwhelmed and don’t go.

I barely get any motivation to do dishes, basically never. I am so close to just buying extra so I can just throw them away. 

But that would involve getting motivated to unpackage them.