My daily ramblings

I’m sorry I am not outgoing and positive, I’m don’t experience emotions like everyone else. I’m sorry I can’t see anything but the darkness that’s swallowing me, that has swallowed my soul. If I even ever had one. I’m sorry I can’t enjoy anything anyone says about me. I’m sorry that I take it as someone rubbing it in that I don’t feel anything when they try to show they care.

I’m sorry for being the way I am. I’m sorry for not being able to change. I am who I am who am I. That will have a more prominent meaning when my mind completely stops working.

Too many things in my head. Always negative. Always showing me visions of past that portrays me as the one who is to blame for all of it. Like all the world’s misery is my fault.

I know it’s not my fault at least some of it but it keeps replaying over and over again.

With my brain issues I’m starting to wonder if I am at fault for more if not all.

If my skull is going to explode I wish it would just happen already. The throbbing and I can almost feel the new deformities starting.

If all this stuff would just speed up like the thought in my mind an get to the finish line already.

A few episodes so far, nothing drastic I think. Head still pulsing, thoughts and visions at warp speed. Anxiety on and off. Can’t focus enough to state status of other issues.

Had a complete blackout episode. Came into focus getting out of shower, I don’t remember getting out of bed.

My racing thoughts were/are focused on events involving the ex before and after marriage.

I’m sure I mentioned these things before considering how much I ramble.

I suppose a little background might be helpful.

Trigger warning for violence, suicide

There was someone I thought was my friend for awhile over 30 years ago. I associated with him and his family. Wife and two kids, boy and girl. One in diapers and the other barely walking.

We started falling out when I started witnessing the violence he inflicted on them. They went through drawn out drama filled divorce and I stayed friends with his wife and kids. I had more than a few confrontations with him during this but I didn’t back down on maintaining that friendship.

After the divorce was finalized, our friendship maintained. It was almost a year after the divorce that feelings started to escalate and eventually led to a relationship. I became attached to them . I didn’t exactly know what I was experiencing but I didn’t want to lose them . Anyway I don’t remember how long it was but it was around a year I think. She showed up at my door with her ex in tow, telling me she was getting back with him for the kids. I was in shock…as they are pulling out of my driveway he was hitting her with a motorcycle helmet.

watching that I started after the truck and then it hit me . She was leaving me and going back to that abuse. That was what she wanted. So I let them go.

fast forward a year or so. I had moved at that point to another town. She shows up at my door apologizing. We spent several months talking back and forth and got back together, I wasn’t the same, but I believed that time would bring us back to where we were.

Anyway I didn’t want to lose them again, so I proposed. Not a storybook proposal considering it took a day or so for an answer.

Fast forward. Married, trying hard to be a good parent, The ex only ever showed up for visitation when he was impressing some new girl that he had children and was the perfect person. Our marriage was going ok until one fateful day when he showed up for visitation and was talking to the kids on the back porch and told them that he would be back in there lives if they got me out.

After that began the downfall of any chance at a family life. Both kids began acting out and I ended up realizing I was no longer a part of this family so I started working as much as possible.

Fast forward. Because I handled things so poorly, because I asked them to be a part of my life forever, when the signs were there that it was a failure if we proceeded, because of that I ruined two beautiful children’s lives. One of them taking their own life.

I didn’t know love then and I still don’t. I became attached to something that I didn’t want to lose and because I don’t experience emotions I took that as love. I can’t change the past but that child , well they were past the 21 mark so adult, did that because of me.

I saw the signs and I ignored them and ruined their lives.

That one is on me, it doesn’t matter that it takes two to tango, in this case four in house with multiple outside influences. Most of the time it felt like it was them against me.

I handled things in the not so great of ways, I am responsible for that loss of life.

If I don’t experience emotions why do I have these visions/flashbacks of all the bad stuff that happened in my life

Is there a purpose to all the suffering.