My daily ramblings

The pressure in my head is so strong right now. It’s so intense.

I had something to write but I don’t know what it was

Thoughts interlaced with visions to fast can’t focus. Head throbbing. Body pains extreme, severe depression raging, try to stand ..dizzy. Pressure in ears like elevation change. Left eye twitching, right can’t focus very well. Brain flickers… none marked on board. Panic attack when it sounded like someone in my driveway.

How many times do I need to answer the same questions regarding depression and anxiety. 100% on both every time, everyday, every week, month, year, decade. It has been the same for my entire life. Every test I have taken over the past forty plus years has produced similar results. Thousands of tests. Hundreds of doctors/psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists etc., all producing the same data. I don’t need reminded repeatedly of something I deal with every minute of every day and night.

I just had a different brain episode. Came to standing in kitchen thinking I was reliving a couple traumatic things at once. . Panic attack later started to come back to reality.

This thing whatever it is is evolving I am not sure what is happening but it can’t last much longer before it maxes out can it

Caring is never wasted.

You are you you are, and I am who I am.

I can choose who I care about, for my own personal reasons.

Caring makes me feel connected with something beyond myself.

Thanks for sharing your personal journey with bunch of strangers who actually care. This is a great community.

I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own mind serving multiple life sentences concurrently.

4 walls in an 8x6 room and no hope for parole.

Bah Humbug…

I didn’t get to town today so I have to wait until Monday to go thanks to another holiday.

People post responses that are very true for most people. My track record has proven I don’t fit any normal mold. They insist on showing they care for someone like me. Ok, fine. Out of my control, add it to the long list that is my life that is out of my control.

Nonstop moving pictures in my head

I try going to these group rooms and maybe it’s just me but it doesn’t seem like they are much more than … what are they called. Chat rooms.

maybe that’s the point. I just don’t see the benefit. I am not interrupting or changing the focus if someone actually is trying to work through something. I definitely am not chiming in when it’s some misc. conversations.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Well brother on this earth. Maybe the groups are not for you now at your state of mind. I joined "sharing circle" often for about 1 year. For me it was good. I could understand a lot of what the persons there were talking about and wanted to lift them higher with my words. But maybe you're suffering too much to join.

I am absolutely no healthpersonal and I cannot discuss your medication with you. I myself stopped taking antidep. med and became really depressed.

From Helga.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Brother on this earth.

Why don't you try to go to Christ again. You told here you were a Christian earlier. Listen what he says to you in the Bible. Matthew 11.28-30:

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

@Helgafy

I tried numerous churches, but I don’t remember ever claiming I was of any faith. I am neither believer or nonbeliever. I’m aware of the teachings and familiar with some practices. But none claim me.

I’m very accepting of yours and anyone else’s firm beliefs. I’m ok with being in your prayers. I’m ok with receiving verses, etc., there are many wise things written in the Bible. I’m just not a spiritual person.

I am capable of believing in things I can’t see. With my struggles and issues, added to the millions of people that struggle with so many things, things that have no explanation or meaning, that to me is proof that the unexplained happens all the time. The “miracles” are in the same category, unexplained but still true. Whether things happen randomly or with a purpose, they still happen. I have no control over them. I don’t have control over what happens in my tiny speck of whatever this is.

I am familiar with the teachings, I am grateful you include me in your prayers and keep reaching out to me.

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I was a little bit worried for you iam as you could see of my posts.

@Helgafy

Thank you ,

I am extremely struggling, and I’m just trying to make sure I don’t bring anyone any closer to the edge of the pit I am in, for fear they fall in and get trapped like me. So pushing away is the safest way to accomplish that

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I still ask the Father in heaven to fully cover you with his love.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend on this earth.

Do you have to se the emergency department? I had to do that myself 1,5 years ago. I was so depressed.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Brother on this earth.

Hopefully there will soon come other Cuppers to look after you in your pain. I'm leaving you now for this hour and I ask God to watch over you and to keep you in his hand.

Helga.

@Helgafy

No , I don’t need emergency department. They just make things worse for me.

It’s ok

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend on this earth.

I'm a bit afraid to leave you here for some moments until other persons come to talk to you. Can I leave?

@Helgafy

No need to worry, I am ok. Go. Be your wonderful self. Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thank you brother on this earth.

Helga.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend on this earth.

This is what you wrote (page 7):Over the years I attended various churches with different people. I witnessed a lot of people including pastors/priests who only seemed to practice their faith when they attended church.

I misunderstood! I thought you wrote that you witnessed a lot FOR pastors/priests! - that is - told them about your faith in Jesus Christ. So I misunderstood what you wrote!

@Helgafy

no worries , I only wanted to clarify, I am laying everything out here , no lies , no half truths, I have a lot of shame, regret and well , whatever. I don’t want you or anyone else to think I was misleading in any way.

Brain starting to flicker

Why is my brain teasing me with complete quiet by not letting me truly know what it’s like.

If it’s going to turn off, quit playing with the light switch

Trigger warning. … talk of suicide

I have had a recurring vision, varying in details but ending is the same. I’m tied to a chair and can’t move or speak and am forced to watch my stepson kill himself. He does this in a different way each time but his last words spoken to me are very much alike….”It’s your fault “

That just reinforces the belief that it actually is.

Every vision I have had has a basis in reality, Why do I have to keep reliving this stuff. It was bad enough the first time but to repeatedly have to experience them over and over plus whatever games my brain is playing to shuffle them up and play them out together.

Growth paths …. Why does everything have to revolve around meditation or videos of some kind. I can’t meditate, my brain doesn’t cooperate.

I am still 100% depressed and anxiety. In case someone needs to record that again

I’m extremely irritable on top of everything else.

Caring is never wasted….. it is on me.

I never told anybody who to care for, I just said to not waste it on me.

Whatever time I have left here I just want to be left alone I just want to ramble without feeling like I’m under a microscope when I have laid it all out in the open.

I don’t want support, kindness , compassion and caring when my mind/heart doesn’t recognize and/or feel anything. It is wasted when it is cast into a black hole, a deep dark void.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Would you like to see a poem I wrote about some realizations of my mental health?

@juliak1968

If you are willing to share it , yes.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you might be interested in starting a diary that only you write in and no one else you could easily turn this thread into a no reply diary just contact the editor in this community and they can edit it at the top to say no replies please or you could always start one yourself and just leave this as it is. I think about half of the diaries here are closed diaries not open to comments at all and if i ever do start a diary here that would definately be what i would want just a place to write without being reminded anyones reading so just something to think about.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am sorry if I made you feel that way, it was not intentional❤️

@scarletPear1945

??? You did nothing wrong….nothing. I’m the one who’s trying to push everyone away from my extreme negativity. Especially now when everyone should be in a world of positivity and …happiness.