My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
According to the marks on my tracking chart, I have had ten episodes today. Providing I stayed with the color scheme only three were “major” brain flickers.
I have a massive headache, a fever, brain won’t stop thought traffic.
My knees failed for the first time in a while. Ended up laying on the cold floor for awhile till I could get up.
I wonder how to get more people to see their gift.
Why was I a screw up as a child? Constantly getting in trouble at home? I should’ve tried harder to please them.
Why did I get married when the signs were there even the night before the wedding?
Why am I here, I obviously am destined to be a negative person living the results of a fruitless life.
My future is a fading light. I am a negative influence and I continuously am pushed backwards ten steps for every step forward.
I know not what I even want regarding myself anymore.
I don’t know what I hope to gain from being here. I am probably the most negative person here. There are so many here that can be hurt by my negativity. What happens if I have a brain episode and post something extremely negative to someone. I don’t know if I could handle that.
I have reached out to a research facility and haven’t heard back from them. I don’t know what to do.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, some thoughts…
You said: “I wonder how to get more people to see their gift.”
I wonder how we tell you you are a gift to us.
You said: “Why am I here, I obviously am destined to be a negative person living the results of a fruitless life.”
Everyone has regrets. You ARE here, period. Asking “why” is like asking why water is wet. Past is past. You are human, and that you exist is a miracle. Will you spend your time measuring where you are against some ideal of where you might have been, “if only”… or, might it be better to respect yourself for doing the best you can now with what you have? You may argue that you “could have done better,” in the past - but truly that statement can only be useful if we have a time machine. So if you hear yourself saying “should have”, “could have”, maybe you can remind yourself that the thoughts that follow those statements are blunt objects you are beating yourself with. All humans literally do this to themselves. Being aware of this is our shield - our shield to protect our tender and deserving selves - deserving of protection, deserving of love. We have the capacity for self compassion - isn’t that a wonderful choice? You are human. You deserve love not “because of” and not “in spite of”, but just because you are human. People will rescue a wounded animal with no calculation of whether that animal “deserves it.” That calculation never enters our mind. Why are we so cruel and calculating about our own worth? It seems like a foolish practice. Developing the habit of self compassion is not weakness, it is a beautiful gift that is more than in reach. We break our bones, empty our bank accounts, practically sell our souls to gain the love of others, but won’t find the love available in ourselves. When we learn self love, there is more leftover that we can give to others easily rather than in the forced way we usually do so.
You said: “There are so many here that can be hurt by my negativity. What happens if I have a brain episode and post something extremely negative to someone. I don’t know if I could handle that.”
I can imagine those of us who have gotten to know you understanding and forgiving you if that were to ever happen.
People here care about you.
@hopefulPond6108
what you say is very true. I don’t know love so self love… My thoughts have gone into hyper drive lately, on top of everything else. My negativity is at an all time high while everything else is at its lowest.
I try, I really, truly try to remember anything positive from the past. The only things that come to light are negatives. Even in my dreams/nightmares is negative surrounding me.
I should stop I am probably repeating the same ramblings over and over.
The future, with as fast as things are moving with brain flickers, is going to be lived completely in the dark. Some poor stranger stuck taking care of me till I pass.
The present…. I am where I am. …
I thank you for reaching out , I wish I deserved the love you are sending my way , I wish I could feel that love.
I think that people should stay away from me and my negativity, there are too many positive vibes from everyone else around here , people who can be reached , who can be helped. Please share that love with those that can be reached and leave me in my little corner thread. I am a lost cause.
I’m so far lost , I doubt any light will ever reach again.
I appreciate and am grateful you keep reaching out and trying to shine some of your bright light down onto me. I’m just too far gone, thanks for trying. Don’t waste another thought on me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ok I understand. I won’t offer unsolicited advice. Wishing you blessings.
@hopefulPond6108
Wow @hope: "We have the capacity for self compassion" - how wonderful deep your mind is.
Regards from Helga.
@hopefulPond6108
This was really a wise insightful message to read. Thank you for how well you expressed it.❤️
I apologize to the people here who care about me. I just don’t want that caring wasted. Send that caring to all the others here who can be reached and helped. I think my ramblings are proof that I am who I am. Positive change is not in my destiny.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Good morning to you Iam.
A verse for you and me:
make your face shine on us,
that we may be saved.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Nothing for you to apologize for - our caring about you isn't wasted ❤️
Positive change is hard and it doesn't happen over night. That's what makes it so hard - because it's an everyday thing you have to work on . This is your space Iam. It doesn't matter if you write negatively. It's how you're feeling and we accept you as you are
With the research facility - with the holiday they make be off work for it? And it falls on a Sunday so they may be off til Tuesday
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I know you may feel that our investment in you is wasted but as long as you have a breathing body nothing is wasted. Those of us here with you do care whether or not you can receive it. We are all connected as brothers and sisters of different mothers. I will not comply with what I know would be wrong. You can not help where you are right now. I know it is hard to grasp what we are saying and that is alright too. Your blood is red and so is mine. Your body is warm and you are alive no matter what your state of mind may be. Still sitting here with you❤️I and others are refusing to be moved or forsake you.
I am sorry for pushing people away, but they are better off that way. I am blinded by the darkness I am surrounded by. I a deafened by the thoughts racing in my head, numbed by the cold in my heart. I keep having to reread things I supposedly wrote here trying to regain a little of myself. And I see this truth about myself. People should surround themselves with positive people. I am completely the opposite, so they can be safe from any of my negative thoughts and such seeping into theirs.
I wish I could drink without it aggravating my head pains. I would gladly give up 3 tears of sobriety to go back to the only thing that ever worked to slow the thought race down.
I know alcohol is not the answer but I also know that was the only thing that helped for most of my life. And at this point it is really, I mean extremely tempting to go back to.
If my vehicle wasn’t buried under a mountain of white stuff I could go to town and get some. That and I probably need to swap the battery out because it probably froze and cracked.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi.
I saw the news. It told about very much snow at Michigan, New Jersey, Tennessee, state New York, Buffalo-Ohio. Some places it was forbidden to drive a car and the last time there was so much snow was in 1989. So I guess you live on one of those places.
@Helgafy where I live we have a lot of snow but it so far has not been record amounts. The “winds” are normal here as well, though they call them breezes here. With wind chills -40 is not unheard of. January is normally when the winter winds pick up a bit . But the weather is changing everywhere, like it has for centuries.
@Helgafy
you were in my thoughts today.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Thank you so much! I love to see when you reach out and give of yourself as you just did to me by writing that. And - I got enough energy to make an omelette with mushroom, look after 2 of my plants. I also could read in some magazines. It is seldom I can do that because of ME/CFS.
I might as well go for the highest content they got if I do it. Then I could go for a walk and not feel any pain at all .