My daily ramblings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm sorry I didn't connect to you. I went to the group-room for a while to listen a bit and joined some discussions and I didn't get the message that you had messaged me. I'm sorry about that - better luck another day. I wish you all the best for this day. Let us both climb to our Father in heavens knee and stay there.

From Helga.

@Helgafy

No worries. I understand completely. . Everyone here is struggling with their own issues and has to do what they need to to keep on going.

I am just thankful you still continue to contact me.

The warning signs, this is ridiculous when this has been going on for so ling and with my memory issues I can still catch certain warning signs of issues acting up . Left eye feels like it’s twitching and right has trouble focusing. Either memory flashback or brain turning off.

I want to go for the walk, I just lack the courage.

I suppose I should get motivated and start taking down the trees and get it all boxed up to give away.

Not sure what else to do with all of it . It has served its purpose with me, maybe it will help bring joy or something else to someone else.

Bright light is making my head hurt worse. I may have to wait a few hours to dark to take them down

Visions of the past, change the channel please.

According to the marks on my tracking chart, I have had ten episodes today. Providing I stayed with the color scheme only three were “major” brain flickers.

I have a massive headache, a fever, brain won’t stop thought traffic.

My knees failed for the first time in a while. Ended up laying on the cold floor for awhile till I could get up.

I wonder how to get more people to see their gift.

Why was I a screw up as a child? Constantly getting in trouble at home? I should’ve tried harder to please them.

Why did I get married when the signs were there even the night before the wedding?

Why am I here, I obviously am destined to be a negative person living the results of a fruitless life.

My future is a fading light. I am a negative influence and I continuously am pushed backwards ten steps for every step forward.

I know not what I even want regarding myself anymore.

I don’t know what I hope to gain from being here. I am probably the most negative person here. There are so many here that can be hurt by my negativity. What happens if I have a brain episode and post something extremely negative to someone. I don’t know if I could handle that.

I have reached out to a research facility and haven’t heard back from them. I don’t know what to do.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, some thoughts…

You said: “I wonder how to get more people to see their gift.”

I wonder how we tell you you are a gift to us.

You said: “Why am I here, I obviously am destined to be a negative person living the results of a fruitless life.”

Everyone has regrets. You ARE here, period. Asking “why” is like asking why water is wet. Past is past. You are human, and that you exist is a miracle. Will you spend your time measuring where you are against some ideal of where you might have been, “if only”… or, might it be better to respect yourself for doing the best you can now with what you have? You may argue that you “could have done better,” in the past - but truly that statement can only be useful if we have a time machine. So if you hear yourself saying “should have”, “could have”, maybe you can remind yourself that the thoughts that follow those statements are blunt objects you are beating yourself with. All humans literally do this to themselves. Being aware of this is our shield - our shield to protect our tender and deserving selves - deserving of protection, deserving of love. We have the capacity for self compassion - isn’t that a wonderful choice? You are human. You deserve love not “because of” and not “in spite of”, but just because you are human. People will rescue a wounded animal with no calculation of whether that animal “deserves it.” That calculation never enters our mind. Why are we so cruel and calculating about our own worth? It seems like a foolish practice. Developing the habit of self compassion is not weakness, it is a beautiful gift that is more than in reach. We break our bones, empty our bank accounts, practically sell our souls to gain the love of others, but won’t find the love available in ourselves. When we learn self love, there is more leftover that we can give to others easily rather than in the forced way we usually do so.

You said: “There are so many here that can be hurt by my negativity. What happens if I have a brain episode and post something extremely negative to someone. I don’t know if I could handle that.”

I can imagine those of us who have gotten to know you understanding and forgiving you if that were to ever happen.

People here care about you.

@hopefulPond6108

what you say is very true. I don’t know love so self love… My thoughts have gone into hyper drive lately, on top of everything else. My negativity is at an all time high while everything else is at its lowest.

I try, I really, truly try to remember anything positive from the past. The only things that come to light are negatives. Even in my dreams/nightmares is negative surrounding me.

I should stop I am probably repeating the same ramblings over and over.

The future, with as fast as things are moving with brain flickers, is going to be lived completely in the dark. Some poor stranger stuck taking care of me till I pass.

The present…. I am where I am. …

I thank you for reaching out , I wish I deserved the love you are sending my way , I wish I could feel that love.

I think that people should stay away from me and my negativity, there are too many positive vibes from everyone else around here , people who can be reached , who can be helped. Please share that love with those that can be reached and leave me in my little corner thread. I am a lost cause.

I’m so far lost , I doubt any light will ever reach again.

I appreciate and am grateful you keep reaching out and trying to shine some of your bright light down onto me. I’m just too far gone, thanks for trying. Don’t waste another thought on me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ok I understand. I won’t offer unsolicited advice. Wishing you blessings.

@hopefulPond6108

I am thankful you care, I am not trying to hurt anyone by my words, I’m just trying to avoid the inevitable, if I push you away, if stings less than when you leave on your own when you realize I am not going to get better, that my negativity and all that has taken over my existence will never be anything more than what it is now.

I am grateful for those who have tried to help me, I just know my negativity is a real downer on everything and everyone else. So I am not one to be around because negativity is draining on positivity.

I’m sorry if I offended you,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, you did not offend me. Wishing you blessings today.

@hopefulPond6108

Wow @hope: "We have the capacity for self compassion" - how wonderful deep your mind is.

Regards from Helga.

@hopefulPond6108

This was really a wise insightful message to read. Thank you for how well you expressed it.❤️

I apologize to the people here who care about me. I just don’t want that caring wasted. Send that caring to all the others here who can be reached and helped. I think my ramblings are proof that I am who I am. Positive change is not in my destiny.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Good morning to you Iam.

A verse for you and me:

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Nothing for you to apologize for - our caring about you isn't wasted ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I know you may feel that our investment in you is wasted but as long as you have a breathing body nothing is wasted. Those of us here with you do care whether or not you can receive it. We are all connected as brothers and sisters of different mothers. I will not comply with what I know would be wrong. You can not help where you are right now. I know it is hard to grasp what we are saying and that is alright too. Your blood is red and so is mine. Your body is warm and you are alive no matter what your state of mind may be. Still sitting here with you❤️I and others are refusing to be moved or forsake you.

I am sorry for pushing people away, but they are better off that way. I am blinded by the darkness I am surrounded by. I a deafened by the thoughts racing in my head, numbed by the cold in my heart. I keep having to reread things I supposedly wrote here trying to regain a little of myself. And I see this truth about myself. People should surround themselves with positive people. I am completely the opposite, so they can be safe from any of my negative thoughts and such seeping into theirs.

I wish I could drink without it aggravating my head pains. I would gladly give up 3 tears of sobriety to go back to the only thing that ever worked to slow the thought race down.

I know alcohol is not the answer but I also know that was the only thing that helped for most of my life. And at this point it is really, I mean extremely tempting to go back to.

If my vehicle wasn’t buried under a mountain of white stuff I could go to town and get some. That and I probably need to swap the battery out because it probably froze and cracked.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi.

I saw the news. It told about very much snow at Michigan, New Jersey, Tennessee, state New York, Buffalo-Ohio. Some places it was forbidden to drive a car and the last time there was so much snow was in 1989. So I guess you live on one of those places.

@Helgafy where I live we have a lot of snow but it so far has not been record amounts. The “winds” are normal here as well, though they call them breezes here. With wind chills -40 is not unheard of. January is normally when the winter winds pick up a bit . But the weather is changing everywhere, like it has for centuries.

@Helgafy

you were in my thoughts today.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thank you so much! I love to see when you reach out and give of yourself as you just did to me by writing that. And - I got enough energy to make an omelette with mushroom, look after 2 of my plants. I also could read in some magazines. It is seldom I can do that because of ME/CFS.

I might as well go for the highest content they got if I do it. Then I could go for a walk and not feel any pain at all .

I wonder how far I could make it. But first I have to unbury my vehicle and start it.

That will be my goal for today .

Daylight can’t come soon enough. I am going to do this. Actually I can’t go until they plow the roads. This figures . I get a plan, build up motivation to attempt to complete said plan and roadblocks start popping up.

I am sorry for being me . I am sorry I have to push people away, I don’t want anyone else hurt by my negativity. I’m a bad influence on all those hurting and in need . They need the care and support of the wonderful people who tried to reach me. There is so much giving that goes on here. I am too far gone for that giving to help me. I sincerely hope those that tried to help me, treat me as a passing thought, one registered under lost cause. I am not giving up , just giving in. Waving the white flag of surrender. I don’t know of any other way.

I am now back to where I was. Officially alone again. The misery that claims me can only hurt me. This ugly body with its equally ugly thoughts that never stop. This ridiculous list of issues that seems to keep accumulating and not disappearing. This never ending deluge of negativity can only claim me now. I have nothing new to say here anymore. I should figure out how to close this account or whatever. I wish I knew how to just erase anything and everything I have ever posted here. That way my negativity would disappear from this community as well.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. Don’t worry about us. No one is forcing us to read your negativity. I personally don’t find it harmful to me. We read and respond because we care ❤️.

I want to just vanish like so many people do in this world. One second there next …poof….gone forever. And any trace of my having been here gone too. That’s what my brain is doing to me why can’t it happen with the rest of me as well.

It’s been far too long experiencing these things. I am out of the fight. I surrender. I can do this no more. I know not how to proceed when there is no true purpose for anything. Without purpose there is no chance for a positive future.

I will try and figure out how to close this account a little later. Stop the leak of extreme negativity from my little spot in this community.

That is the only positive thing I foresee coming from me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You have a far greater purpose then you can realize by your kindness you spread all over 7Cups!!~

..........................and never forget that!~

Blessings, Day

@Iamwhoiamwhoami i really hope you dont do that you expressing the truth about how your really feeling not trying to sugar coat anything just the truth your feeling very bad about yourself and thinking about your past a lot and regrets - everyone has regrets everyone has a past that they think about - your not bringing anyone down the only thing that will do is make people feel less alone reading it so it in a positive thing you are giving to this world theres nothing more positively powerful that letting people know the pain and confusion and sadness that they are going through its not just them and theyre not alone so please dont take this great good that you made away from everyone ok <3

This is a habit I have to break very quickly so I can close the door on this account. I need to figure a way to let the thoughts flow uninterrupted. Go back to the way it was

Even my dreams are getting really strange. Having current surroundings in the dreams with items in strange disarray. The trees mounted on the wall and ceiling, dresser upside down, etc etc,

I fall asleep for my 1/2 hour or so naps and have these weird dreams/ nightmares.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I would hate to see you go. We accept you Iam. The good - the bad and the ugly. Under the negativity we see your heart. It's a good heart you have. As someone else said - noone is forcing us to be here. We're here because We want to be here. We don't see a lost cause. We see you