My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
Actually, doing the posts this way is better, because nobody reads all of my ramblings, if they did it would be the most depressing read ever. Probably making them overreact, and judge me. The original post may get a few reads but not much past that.
So I think that my complete honesty in my posts will continue without the results of someone overreacting to my writings.
Trigger warning…. Hints of suicide/thoughts and different traumas/flashbacks
One more week give or take and I am left alone for over a week in my misery. If it continues to get worse? I just don’t know. I’ve never been this low and not …. Never mind
On top of my “normal” issues the flashback’s/ visions have increased, multiple events throughout my life from childhood to recently.
The reality of each is too much, There are details that change and it seems like sometimes they almost blend together, those are the worst ones.
I had one earlier that had incidents from childhood in the same vision of my finding a dying man in the road (a few months ago) . During that same flashback I also relived my last attempts at taking my own life.
How and why does that happen? As if this stuff isn’t bad enough, this just was over the top .
I don’t know what to do. but I do know a hospital is not the answer. Been there done that and I won’t do that anymore.
If by some remote chance someone does read these, please accept these writings for what they are, my ramblings. Please don’t overreact to what I am saying. Before you judge me read all of my posts and ask for more details if you want. I will speak of whatever I remember.
That is why I choose to post here. Hospitals don’t work for me, meds don’t work, and Official therapy here would try and put me back in the worst environment for me , the hospital. Been there too many times and not effective for me at all. It actually is worse for me due to modern group therapy thinking. I can’t do groups, I barely do one on one .
Thank you
I have a few people that have responded to some of my ramblings and I can’t find threads they posted to. The format changed and my messed up brain could kind of sort through them before by latest post and by who. Bu t now I am just overwhelmed by confusion. I feel a lot of guilt if I don’t at least say thank you.
I should probably just shut my phone and computer off and stay away from here for awhile. Give people a vacation from my negative ramblings. I can’t seem to get a grip.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) I think it's better you should let things out here rather then keep it all trapped inside. I really don't see your ramblings as negative. They're your thoughts and not all thoughts are sunshine and rainbows. You're dealing with alot of things on your plate and you're trying to figure things out and keep track of stuff. I see nothing wrong with that at all
I mean ultimately you have to do what's best for you but you'll get no judgement from me - you have my word on that
Gosh it is hard to find things now since they made these latest changes. I find it very frustrating
As I am still slipping further down into this darkness I receive a response periodically to one of my posts and I am reminded how grateful and appreciative for this community and everyone here. It doesn’t slow down the fall it just reminds how special and important this community is to a lot of people.
Make it stop please…., I cant hold on. Too much at once, Too much for far too long.
It is like something wants me to go insane or something.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Are there distractions that can help? Would talking with a listener help? Or maybe to draw or color? Something relaxing? I understand if they don't. Sometimes I feel this ungodly restlessness at times - I just want to crawl out of my skin. I usually go for a walk or find something physical to do - even if its cleaning
* sending you peace and good thoughts*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Your concern is appreciated.
Too many different issues acting up all the time. They seem to all attack at once. I struggle massively with focus on mild day much less with being attacked from all sides at once. Trying not to retreat behind walls but I am seeing no other realistic options.
No worries though, all a day in the life of …..
Why can’t I just lose the memories of the traumatic experiences? My brain is wreaking havoc with my memory and thoughts, so why save the worst ones and jumble them up and throw them up front in adapted to mess me up even more movies?
I probably should stop questioning these things because I will never know the answers. I should just shut up, lay down and accept all that comes. I can’t control it I can’t even minimize it, I am getting pummeled and I don’t have any strength left to even try.
Trigger warning…mentions of suicidal behavior
How low can I go? I don’t want to find out, but it seems I keep getting tested for how deep my despair can go. I thought I hit bottom a few years ago when my attempts failed and I checked myself into a hospital.
Here I am once again at what seems like ten levels below where I was then.
Suicidal ideation has played a big role in my depression all my life. I don’t pretend anything different. I understand what that makes people think so I don’t talk about it much, if at all.
I know when I pass I will not be one that leaves a hole in anyone’s heart. Comments may be made saying I will be missed, truth is not for long.
I have not left a mark in this world, I spent my life hiding from it.
I regret too much . I am satisfied with nothing I have done. As the days wear on, I become more and more aware that I will never be a happy positive confident person. The more struggles that are added to this mountain I am under the less able I am to breathe.
As far as the question of my intentions…. I am safe…..
I failed my attempts miserably the last time and I know that I am stuck in this *** called my life.
