My daily ramblings

@sophia789

no worries, ask away.

It’s simply that I have been sliding deeper into this pit of despair and this is the lowest I have ever been and I keep sliding deeper. I believe it was several posts back mentioned with trigger warning I stated where that pit led me to.

Something has to change, I don’t know what or how but it does.

I am “safe”…if that’s what you’re wondering.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

How are you able to work while feeling this bad? What do you do, if you don't mind my asking?

Can you be more specific about your cognitive issues?

I've experienced a lot of cognitive issues simply from having had very severe depression (from bipolar). It took me a long time to accept that this is what they were from. Some of mine are also from ECT. That's something which obviously wouldn't affect you, but has helped me a lot with my own depression.

Sophia

@sophia789I always have had minor short term memory loss. The past several months I have had more drastic losses of long term events. Confusion of my current whereabouts and actions . In the middle of doing something and brain comes back online and I am lost . Have to try different ways to remember who I am ,etc.,

Work is a major struggle and I am going to lose that option if things don’t change soon.

As far as coping techniques, I am running out of ones that work well for me.

Can I say- I love this format

@kindJewel5362

ok…. I appreciate your reaching out.

Can you clarify what exactly you’re referring to specifically?

ygg

@kindJewel5362

Thank you again.

ygg??? What is that?

Is it normal to have a panic attack after brain flickers on/off and I forgot everything for what seemed like forever. Regained a little and immediately went into full blown panic attack. I thought I was dying., I didn’t know what was happening, I finally calmed down and started to get a little more in focus.

All this stuff is getting out of control.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - a little message from me to you at site 3.

Today here is a lot of snow, 30cm. Why don't you and I go out in the snow, lie down, stretch our arms up and down to make 2 angels in the snow.

@Helgafy

Go enjoy yourself, I am also experiencing snow. This last storm dropped about 18 inches of heavy wet stuff here. I am not a snow person by any means. But definitely would be satisfied with you making snow angels or whatever else makes you feel good.

Thank you for your beautiful thoughts.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Maybe this is good for you to read: Psalms 121:1-4 NIV

@Helgafy

Thank you.

Trigger warning for mention of death

I have been trying to continue researching CTE. I am going to try and communicate what I found with doctor. I am relatively certain that is what is going on with my brain.

From all that I’ve read it can’t be officially diagnosed until after death. MRI and other imaging can’t detect it. But all the “new” issues I have been struggling with all correlate with CTE. Which happens do to excessive head trauma.

I have been debating whether or not I should say something to my neighbor about this CTE thing, not that they would care but just in case things progress much further down that road. Is it worth putting myself through an anxiety attack or not.

The more I think about it that is the worst diagnosis possible because it completely fits but there is nothing that can be done about it

meds may or may not do anything at all and medical professionals no little to nothing about it. Speed of progression is unknown, they believe average life expectancy is 51. I have hit that mark….so???? At the speed my cognitive issues are declining I can only guess but a few months of “sanity “ left?

Everything is a complete guessing game. My life is a complete mess and now this.

It truly brings to light the question of why bother trying. Even if I had the strength to fight this the future is a dimming one.

So the point of trying to get better to just have it all fade away….??

The progression of this is not one of any positive outcome. I keep saying I accept my fate, and I don’t have a choice but I am not 100% accepting this . How do I proceed?

What do I do? If this is the path I am destined It basically ends badly. Dementia, extreme volatility are strong possibilities .

So the consequences on me are bad enough but the people around me …strangers… could suffer because of me.

Not cool

My suffering….ok. Anyone else..not acceptable.

There is no positive path possible now.

Even if I could move to positivity, it is guaranteed to be ripped out at any time .

If I am going to keep getting knocked down, there’s no point in getting back up.

I …never mind. It is not worth it.

I think I am going to try and finish the tree idea tomorrow, that is the only thing I can think of doing right now.

I am a whining crybaby I know, but I don’t know what to do or where to turn to.

I probably sound like a broken record and I actually feel like one.

I’m not a doctor but I always have known my own body and if the doctors listened to me they realized I was either completely right or close enough to that they had an easy finish on diagnosis and treatment began. That is why I believe I am correct in my assessment of my situation. I may be losing a grip but I do know what’s been going on and I am the only one that is willing to take the time and research it the way the doctors should be.

Woke up after the usual couple hours and my head hurts so bad , it is pulsing all over and there is like a centralized part that is throbbing

Extreme light sensitivity also. This is a bad episode.

Why is my skill literally cracking and deforming. What is happening to me.

I so want to be held right now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi - I'll read your messages above later.

At site 3 I wrote you a little bit that I don't think you saw.

@Helgafy

Thank you again, your kindness is appreciated.

Site 3…would that be what I would refer to as page 3 of this thread…..?

I just went searching and found one that I did miss from you , about checking into fellowship.

Wonderful idea , my anxiety issues fight me just going out the front door of my home.

You may be 100% right but I am out of strength, and with what I have discovered about my condition I am ready to give up the battle.

I have been fighting for too long and can’t do it anymore. I am thinking of just kicking back and letting whatever is happening consume me and what will be will be.

I do truly appreciate you and your prayers. Thank you

I keep entering these group things and I want to discuss these things with the people there but I can’t. If I can keep up reading I realize that what people are discussing already is issues that are very difficult but can be resolved in some way. Were as mine , not so much. I’m already a very negative person and I dislike being the center of attention plus I not shedding that much darkness where there is so much hope for others.

When there is no hope for a good outcome and I have to accept my future I need to stop whining and bellyaching and just stop and let whatever is coming consume me and be done with it. Raise the white flag and accept defeat.

I finally open up in group and completely ignored. That was a complete waste of effort. I don’t know why I thought it would help me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I just bless you in the name of Jesus Christ. That's all that I can do.

Take very good care of yourself.

From Helga.

@Helgafy

Thank you.

I need to find the strength to ignore all the bodily pains and just relax and accept the fate that has been given to me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I wish you could have med for your pain in your body, but it is the brain-system - is it not.

@Helgafy

tes it is , there are trial meds but I am not sure it is worth trying when doctors don’t have a clue either.

Thank you ,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Well, for my sickness, ME, there is no cure neither, but I don't have pain in my body as you have.

@Helgafy

I would gladly add your burdens to mine if that would make you happier

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend!

Oh now. YOU HAVE ENOUGH BURDENS! And guess what. Many times I handle my life fine.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Make sure you have good food to eat.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Dayly I entertain myself with easy-going shows at TV (maybe your brain don't allow you to watch TV so much) called "90 days to marry". It is about persons writing to each other, one from the US. If they come to visit they must marry in 90 days to get "green card". People come from the South-America, Nigeria etc.