My daily ramblings

If I don’t finish the tree I will officially have completed the journey as a quitter. But that was my life so why not ? It isn’t important to anyone else but me and I have always let myself down so why be different now?

The physical pains alone are bad enough, the mental pains are too much.

If I had lived a better life , then I might’ve had a reason to keep fighting. I might’ve had someone with me right now.

I’m not spiritual or religious. I’m neither a believer nor a nonbeliever. I’m just one of the millions who struggle with things. I’m not special or anything.

I’m just someone who just wants all the pain to go away.

I am physically and mentally exhausted. So completely drained. I can find no convincing reason to put forth any effort to “improve”.

All these growth paths are fine, great and dandy but I haven’t learned anything new on my issues or coping techniques etc., The wording may be different but the messages and techniques are all very similar if not the same as all the others shown and voiced to me over the years.

I am open to any and all ideas, but realistically my true options are very limited. My issues truly run my life, I don’t have the strength or the desire to manage them.

I’m to the point of letting go and letting my issues take over. My only support comes from here, and even though I’m very appreciative and grateful for that, it’s not enough to keep my strength up.

Actual therapy again, no I am not doing that anymore. Too much out of therapy books and meds. I don’t have the strength to build up the trust, tell everything in whatever order my brain spits it out. And then be told I am uncooperative because I don’t want to do the same exercises that I have done multiple times before, some may vary a little in design but purpose is the same. The results have never been there, and I am exhausted from trying.

The ramblings in my head are getting harder and harder to catch

I just dozed off again, not intentionally. Maybe I’ll get lucky and fall asleep and not wake up. My struggles will be over then. I won’t be a nuisance here anymore then also.

Only had a couple brain episodes today so far. Nothing drastic this time. Just kind of zoned out I guess. They were different because I didn’t lose memory or anything just the time I zoned out.

How much longer? I can’t handle the dreams/nightmares. I don’t know how much is real anymore. I am so confused about everything. I’m making no sense of anything anymore.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think you're a nuisance. This is your space to write whatever you want.

Have you ever had these episodes while in the hospital? If not maybe that's why they can't find anything? I know you said that it seems to happen most when you're home and relaxed. Have they ever kept you for observation?

With the tree maybe you could do one thing with it each day. If it takes all day to do it that's fine. You have plenty of time yet before the holiday. :)

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you again,

The episodes haven’t happened while was in the hospital or at the doctors, I had minor incidents there but not big ones. It has been blamed on the severe depression with the anxieties contributing.

The options locally are limited and I have no way to drive further to try and get someone to listen.

Besides, I have resigned myself to just let whatever happens happen.

I do appreciate you and your kindness and concern.

@mytwistedsoul

I forgot some of your questions. I had to reread.

No , they didn’t hold me for observation.

The tree is something I need to complete somehow. It is my symbolic thank you to everyone here. I am so buried under so many issues acting up at once that I can’t get out from under but I will continue to try to complete it.

Thank you for being so nice to me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome :) You don't need to thank me though <3

It's not hard to get overwhelmed when we have alot coming at us. I know that all too well myself

I am ashamed of my life. Past, present and future. I’ve done nothing to be proud of. I have kept everyone at length so they couldn’t have any chance of finding out how worthless I was. Now, I’m regretting that decision.

Why is my brain twisting everything around.

I feel like I have slid even lower and deeper than I have been in 3 years. I think I’m may be reaching the same level if not more than I was on when I had my breakdown.

So much more has been added to the weight on me. I can’t breathe.

I’m no longer treading water, I have run out of strength.

I’m taking on water, the water is too deep.

I can’t swim, I am too tired to try .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Try to relax and allow your body to just float, the water will hold you and I am in the water with you to catch you if you begin to sink. I can swim so I won't leave you.

@scarletPear1945

Thank you………

@scarletPear1945

Thank you

@scarletPear1945

Thank you

@scarletPear1945

Thank you

The path is the only one I can find.

I, like millions of others, struggle with the age old question of…. What is the point?

However, when that question is racing in my thoughts literally lapping the rest of the thoughts racing through there also. This goes on all day and all night, week after week, month after month, year after year. It is a difficult thing to ignore or block.

The time has come that I am beginning to believe it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am here, sitting with you.

I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am here, sitting with you.

I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am here, sitting with you.

I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am here, sitting with you.

I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️

@scarletPear1945 Thank you, I am very appreciative of that. I know I have you and a couple of others here that I can reach out too , and am extremely grateful for that.

I just am so overwhelmed with everything that seems to be happening with me right now, I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I work full time plus some , not much extra for the next couple months. I am physically and mentally exhausted just getting there, much less getting through the day and getting home. I come home to an empty house, and I’m stuck with myself, not a good thing anymore. I am unclear of anything anymore, I am trapped in my own messed up world. Hospitals are about group therapy, that is all they promote, I literally can’t do groups, my anxiety goes sky high, I have been in that scenario too many times.

Private therapy, I have done tons of that and it is not fruitful, I have been shown all kinds of techniques and methods to help and some do some don’t. Not much anymore. The only thing that has somewhat helped is posting here, and that has seemingly hit a brick wall. I am wallowing in self misery and I have always tried to avoid doing so.

I don’t want to be at work but I don’t want to be alone either. I’m taking some time off work very soon, and I am not sure if that is such a good idea.

I am not going anywhere just take that time off every year because being around everyone else talking about family and holidays is not an option for me.

I should stop. I am not sure where I was going with this comment.

Who, what, when, why, where, how……..

Who am I…….. I still don’t know.

What am I asking……too many questions, too many answers but no solutions,

When will I be truly happy……Probably never.

Why am I destined on this path……It doesn’t matter anymore.

Where am I…….Question I ask several times a day.

How do I continue…….I have no idea.

Why did I screw up my life so badly. Why do I have to be so me.

I am that person someone sees outside their house and everyone crosses the street and whispers about them. The strange cranky old recluse.

I am the one that nobody truly knows anything about but yet they seem to know everything about.

Unlike me, I honestly can say I don’t even know who I am. I’m to the point of just plain not caring about anything. I have no desire to even eat, I do , but more so out of habit than actually wanting anything.

If this path keeps winding down this misery trail then why do I have to keep waking up to suffer more and more. Haven’t I suffered enough.

I even feel like a failure because I wake up in the morning.

I don’t want to wake up anymore. Just go to sleep and no more misery. No more brain issues no more depression no more anxieties no more no more no more. No more thinking everything at once. I am so over it all.

But alas I am stuck suffering this miserable existence until that moment comes.

I can’t find any positive final outcome even if all my issues disappeared. I still will be alone and have no idea who I am.

I know I have friends/family here but that doesn’t help in the real world.

Reaching out in the real world = hospital/watch/group/meds=no help been there done that many times. The most ineffective waste of time and money.

So the options left= zero

ramble here til I can ramble no more?

What’s the point? I will keep breathing until I don’t.

Actually, doing the posts this way is better, because nobody reads all of my ramblings, if they did it would be the most depressing read ever. Probably making them overreact, and judge me. The original post may get a few reads but not much past that.

So I think that my complete honesty in my posts will continue without the results of someone overreacting to my writings.

Trigger warning…. Hints of suicide/thoughts and different traumas/flashbacks

One more week give or take and I am left alone for over a week in my misery. If it continues to get worse? I just don’t know. I’ve never been this low and not …. Never mind

On top of my “normal” issues the flashback’s/ visions have increased, multiple events throughout my life from childhood to recently.

The reality of each is too much, There are details that change and it seems like sometimes they almost blend together, those are the worst ones.

I had one earlier that had incidents from childhood in the same vision of my finding a dying man in the road (a few months ago) . During that same flashback I also relived my last attempts at taking my own life.

How and why does that happen? As if this stuff isn’t bad enough, this just was over the top .

I don’t know what to do. but I do know a hospital is not the answer. Been there done that and I won’t do that anymore.

If by some remote chance someone does read these, please accept these writings for what they are, my ramblings. Please don’t overreact to what I am saying. Before you judge me read all of my posts and ask for more details if you want. I will speak of whatever I remember.

That is why I choose to post here. Hospitals don’t work for me, meds don’t work, and Official therapy here would try and put me back in the worst environment for me , the hospital. Been there too many times and not effective for me at all. It actually is worse for me due to modern group therapy thinking. I can’t do groups, I barely do one on one .

Thank you

I have a few people that have responded to some of my ramblings and I can’t find threads they posted to. The format changed and my messed up brain could kind of sort through them before by latest post and by who. Bu t now I am just overwhelmed by confusion. I feel a lot of guilt if I don’t at least say thank you.

I should probably just shut my phone and computer off and stay away from here for awhile. Give people a vacation from my negative ramblings. I can’t seem to get a grip.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) I think it's better you should let things out here rather then keep it all trapped inside. I really don't see your ramblings as negative. They're your thoughts and not all thoughts are sunshine and rainbows. You're dealing with alot of things on your plate and you're trying to figure things out and keep track of stuff. I see nothing wrong with that at all

@mytwistedsoul

I will always be thankful and appreciative for your kindness and support.

I am so lost I am struggling in the darkness for any footing or handhold or crack into floor wall or ceiling to get a little drag to slow down my fall

As I am still slipping further down into this darkness I receive a response periodically to one of my posts and I am reminded how grateful and appreciative for this community and everyone here. It doesn’t slow down the fall it just reminds how special and important this community is to a lot of people.

Make it stop please…., I cant hold on. Too much at once, Too much for far too long.

It is like something wants me to go insane or something.