My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
I am ashamed of my life. Past, present and future. I’ve done nothing to be proud of. I have kept everyone at length so they couldn’t have any chance of finding out how worthless I was. Now, I’m regretting that decision.
I feel like I have slid even lower and deeper than I have been in 3 years. I think I’m may be reaching the same level if not more than I was on when I had my breakdown.
So much more has been added to the weight on me. I can’t breathe.
I’m no longer treading water, I have run out of strength.
I’m taking on water, the water is too deep.
I can’t swim, I am too tired to try .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Try to relax and allow your body to just float, the water will hold you and I am in the water with you to catch you if you begin to sink. I can swim so I won't leave you.
I, like millions of others, struggle with the age old question of…. What is the point?
However, when that question is racing in my thoughts literally lapping the rest of the thoughts racing through there also. This goes on all day and all night, week after week, month after month, year after year. It is a difficult thing to ignore or block.
The time has come that I am beginning to believe it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I am here, sitting with you.
I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I am here, sitting with you.
I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I am here, sitting with you.
I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I am here, sitting with you.
I know this is extremely hard for you, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As much as possible try to not give in to it. Keep posting and sharing. We greatly care about you.🙏❤️
@scarletPear1945 Thank you, I am very appreciative of that. I know I have you and a couple of others here that I can reach out too , and am extremely grateful for that.
I just am so overwhelmed with everything that seems to be happening with me right now, I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I work full time plus some , not much extra for the next couple months. I am physically and mentally exhausted just getting there, much less getting through the day and getting home. I come home to an empty house, and I’m stuck with myself, not a good thing anymore. I am unclear of anything anymore, I am trapped in my own messed up world. Hospitals are about group therapy, that is all they promote, I literally can’t do groups, my anxiety goes sky high, I have been in that scenario too many times.
Private therapy, I have done tons of that and it is not fruitful, I have been shown all kinds of techniques and methods to help and some do some don’t. Not much anymore. The only thing that has somewhat helped is posting here, and that has seemingly hit a brick wall. I am wallowing in self misery and I have always tried to avoid doing so.
I don’t want to be at work but I don’t want to be alone either. I’m taking some time off work very soon, and I am not sure if that is such a good idea.
I am not going anywhere just take that time off every year because being around everyone else talking about family and holidays is not an option for me.
I should stop. I am not sure where I was going with this comment.
Who, what, when, why, where, how……..
Who am I…….. I still don’t know.
What am I asking……too many questions, too many answers but no solutions,
When will I be truly happy……Probably never.
Why am I destined on this path……It doesn’t matter anymore.
Where am I…….Question I ask several times a day.
How do I continue…….I have no idea.
Why did I screw up my life so badly. Why do I have to be so me.
I am that person someone sees outside their house and everyone crosses the street and whispers about them. The strange cranky old recluse.
I am the one that nobody truly knows anything about but yet they seem to know everything about.
Unlike me, I honestly can say I don’t even know who I am. I’m to the point of just plain not caring about anything. I have no desire to even eat, I do , but more so out of habit than actually wanting anything.
If this path keeps winding down this misery trail then why do I have to keep waking up to suffer more and more. Haven’t I suffered enough.
I don’t want to wake up anymore. Just go to sleep and no more misery. No more brain issues no more depression no more anxieties no more no more no more. No more thinking everything at once. I am so over it all.
But alas I am stuck suffering this miserable existence until that moment comes.
I can’t find any positive final outcome even if all my issues disappeared. I still will be alone and have no idea who I am.
I know I have friends/family here but that doesn’t help in the real world.
Reaching out in the real world = hospital/watch/group/meds=no help been there done that many times. The most ineffective waste of time and money.
So the options left= zero
ramble here til I can ramble no more?
What’s the point? I will keep breathing until I don’t.