My daily ramblings

I am so exhausted…. I can barely move. I haven’t done anything to be exhausted.

I wonder if it would work? I could just start walking. I am so out of it half the time anyway, so I think it would.

If I don’t finish the tree I will officially have completed the journey as a quitter. But that was my life so why not ? It isn’t important to anyone else but me and I have always let myself down so why be different now?

The physical pains alone are bad enough, the mental pains are too much.

If I had lived a better life , then I might’ve had a reason to keep fighting. I might’ve had someone with me right now.

I’m not spiritual or religious. I’m neither a believer nor a nonbeliever. I’m just one of the millions who struggle with things. I’m not special or anything.

I’m just someone who just wants all the pain to go away.

I am physically and mentally exhausted. So completely drained. I can find no convincing reason to put forth any effort to “improve”.

All these growth paths are fine, great and dandy but I haven’t learned anything new on my issues or coping techniques etc., The wording may be different but the messages and techniques are all very similar if not the same as all the others shown and voiced to me over the years.

I am open to any and all ideas, but realistically my true options are very limited. My issues truly run my life, I don’t have the strength or the desire to manage them.

I’m to the point of letting go and letting my issues take over. My only support comes from here, and even though I’m very appreciative and grateful for that, it’s not enough to keep my strength up.

Actual therapy again, no I am not doing that anymore. Too much out of therapy books and meds. I don’t have the strength to build up the trust, tell everything in whatever order my brain spits it out. And then be told I am uncooperative because I don’t want to do the same exercises that I have done multiple times before, some may vary a little in design but purpose is the same. The results have never been there, and I am exhausted from trying.

The ramblings in my head are getting harder and harder to catch

I just dozed off again, not intentionally. Maybe I’ll get lucky and fall asleep and not wake up. My struggles will be over then. I won’t be a nuisance here anymore then also.

Only had a couple brain episodes today so far. Nothing drastic this time. Just kind of zoned out I guess. They were different because I didn’t lose memory or anything just the time I zoned out.

How much longer? I can’t handle the dreams/nightmares. I don’t know how much is real anymore. I am so confused about everything. I’m making no sense of anything anymore.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think you're a nuisance. This is your space to write whatever you want.

Have you ever had these episodes while in the hospital? If not maybe that's why they can't find anything? I know you said that it seems to happen most when you're home and relaxed. Have they ever kept you for observation?

With the tree maybe you could do one thing with it each day. If it takes all day to do it that's fine. You have plenty of time yet before the holiday. :)