My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
Yes, severe depression can cause memory issues. But the symptoms I am experiencing go way beyond that and I am getting brushed off as it being all depression related. I am tired of everyone thinking that I am so mentally challenged that my IQ is zero.
I guess I need to truly accept that I am not going to get any better. Not for lack of trying but because of laziness and ignorance in the minds of the people entrusted to help people like me.
Just because the shoe fits doesn’t mean the fingerprint matches
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey, just some thoughts for what it’s worth. You probably have considered this already, but if the doctors are finding nothing (I’ve been there, many trips and tests, and then my significant other said, “hey get them to test for x” and bingo) could it be an environmental problem? Are you drinking tap water, eating at a particular restaurant often, etc., recent work on your house, or something like mold, is it possible someone in your near vicinity is cooking meth?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) uh - may I ask what your original plan is? You don't have to share of course. I guess my mind automatically jumps to a certain thing. I guess I worry - sorry
I've come to the conclusion that most doctoring is all a money racket anymore. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Anxiety? Take a pill. Those pills didn't work? Try these pills. I think they want us dependant on pharmaceuticals. And the doctors seem to walk hand in hand with them. Now there's just alot of medical gaslighting and everytime you go to the doctor they make money. Even with insurance there's still co-pays and deductions to deal with and they squeeze you into a 15 minute time slot. They need to do some actual work into what's going on with you and not just chalk up what you're dealing with to depression. I hate to ask but is there anything holistic that might help?
@mytwistedsoul
ok, holistic? I am not completely sure what you mean by that?
Thanks again for reaching out. I am very appreciative of your ideas and questions.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh ok. That's sounds - well - I mean it gets you through the day but it's not really living. Which - I'm sure you know - sorry. Tbh - I lose time too. Hours - days - months. I don't remember hardly any of childhood
I haven't read everything you shared on site but you're looking for physical reasons? Could it be dissociation? I know you mentioned abuse in another thread. Is that something you looked into too - a psychological reason? I'm sorry - I can ask alot of questions sometimes - you don't have to answer of course. I'm sorry to if I offend you in anyway. I don't mean to
I mentioned holistic because I was thinking of something else. You could still maybe look into it. They have a whole body approach. They treat the whole person. Not just the body but the mind too and emotional
I'm sorry - I sound like an idiot. From what I understand they dig alittle deeper into things then what a regular doctor might. They look at all the aspects that might be the cause - not just the physical reasons
@mytwistedsoul
trigger warning….mentions of childhood sexual abuse and suicide.
My childhood trauma I mentioned was in regards to sexually abused as a child, I had 3 siblings who were sexually abused also.
As far as body is concerned, I have put it through the wringer throughout my life. I have broken a good majority of bones , I have had a multitude of various cuts and gashes, deep and shallow. Numerous bones smashed. Numerous concussions.
I also used smokeless tobacco and cigarettes since I was very young up until my breakdown a few years ago. I had some preliminary tests done a few years ago and was told I had some of the early signs of cancer. I didn’t follow up on that so I don’t know if that plays into anything at all.
After the last major concussion that put a golf ball sized dent in my skull , I had my complete breakdown. Where I quit my job, started purging my belongings, draining my accounts, and tidying up a few other details, then attempted numerous times to end my life.
That dent was the root cause of the “walls” I had hidden behind in my mind disappeared, that impact to my head shattered those walls. I was overwhelmed with everything that poured out.
I have dealt with severe depression for over forty years. I acted on that as a teenager and failed. Until my breakdown I never tried again. So I am well aware of memory issues related to depression.
The memory issues have always been there. But the last couple of months or so have been 100 times more extreme. I will “black out” small blocks of time. I think it mainly has been at home and when my body is a little more relaxed. I’m starting to forget blocks of memories from years back. I remember things that I don’t think I remembered before. That doesn’t make much sense but I can’t think how to word it better ag the moment. I am getting so messed up in my mind, I don’t know if the things I am remembering are actually memories or not. Am I losing it?
I need to stop rambling, I am really out of focus.
Thanks again for reaching out.
@mytwistedsoul
Holistic approach, is that a religious or spiritual thing?
I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination, I am very open minded to anything , but I am of neither belief or non belief. I don’t practice any religion.
Like I said I’m open minded to any and all ideas.
Thanks again for everything.
@mytwistedsoul
Original plan…..basically trying to get back to what got me through 40+ years before I had my complete breakdown. Which was retreating back into my head , I had everything locked tight in impenetrable walls and “faked” my way through life. If I can get everything rounded back up again and locked down, what’s faking it for a little longer.
I forgot the other part of your post. I will reread and post again.
I know retreating is not the proper way to go but, raising the white flag of defeat and acceptance of that defeat seems to be the smartest path to take .
I am too drained on all fronts to fight anymore. I don’t know if what I want exactly. I do know that I am tired of the status quo. So since I am not gaining traction forward, reverse is the logical way to go.
I had started the tree thing and I am looking at those trees right now and wondering why I wanted them. I see them and want to throw them away.
What I wouldn’t give to spend the holidays with someone, not meaning in a hospital. Maybe I could get a little bit back of what I lost.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You can share here anytime you want. As I read what you posted, I didn’t think you were rambling at all. You are sharing what you are experiencing. That’s what we are here for.
It sounds like you have lots on your plate. Post here with us. Have you used writing things down or keeping a list that you can refer to?
Take care!
@SparklyFly
Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate your kindness and support.
Yes I have tried pen to paper writing down but I can’t read my own writing first of all, and secondly I forget where I put the list. On the fridge? I will spend hours looking for it later. On the desk , same thing. I try and avoid anything that I might need a list for.
Thanks again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hello my friend, just stopped to check in on you. I have been a bit busy with my husband and having work done on my house. I am still following you.❤️
As I sit here once again awake in the night, I ponder loneliness and and all its related things. I ponder the future and my part in it. I am left to think that I am a lost cause. Too many changes too many things happening at once and a mind that is struggling to grasp any sense of stability. I feel like I’m falling into a bottomless pitch black pit. I try and think of positive things and can’t. The little details that are a fact of life that occur whether I am here or not, are of no consequence to my positivity or my being.
I have nothing to look forward to. No Matt what happens here, I still have/am nothing in the real world. I still have nobody in the real world. I still am who I am whoever that is.
So, I guess I am back to wondering what the point of this is. Why continue if the end result is not going to change, Why open my brain up to the knowledge of how painful the journey is instead of staying in the dark and letting the journey continue oblivious to the misery it brings?
I am struggling with anxiety attack. I have to go get groceries and it’s not been a very good work week plus a lot of my other issues flaring up. I don’t want to be around people at all but I have to. Mornings is the least amount of traffic usually, this time of the year never know.
If I don’t go soon I will go through this again tomorrow morning. Then not go till next weekend, maybe. But probably not because then more people out because of Christmas. I started my frozen truck. I just need to take a shower and regroup myself, so I can try and stay calm for the trip.
Managed the shower part, still struggling with the rest, truck is still running. I am going to at least drive to town, what happens after that?
Got back and barely got stuff put away before I succumbed to a full blown panic attack . I am losing a grip on my control of managing my issues.
How can I regain the strength and desire to find my way out of this darkness that I was pushed back into, when I see no sense of purpose or reasoning that is in any way beneficial.
It seems more pointless and unnecessary to go through the effort to claw myself back into the light and be even more miserable than I am now. Adding emotions to the equation creates a negative consequence. The futility of my situation is confusing.
I can’t go on the way I have been. I can’t afford to hire someone to help me.
I am starting to lose the battle on all fronts.
I was in the store and hade a brain shut off moment, I don’t know how long it was but nobody said anything to me . I came to staring at the coolers, and it took me a good while to figure out where I was and what I was doing.
I am concerned even if doctors aren’t.
