My daily ramblings

Yes, severe depression can cause memory issues. But the symptoms I am experiencing go way beyond that and I am getting brushed off as it being all depression related. I am tired of everyone thinking that I am so mentally challenged that my IQ is zero.

I guess I need to truly accept that I am not going to get any better. Not for lack of trying but because of laziness and ignorance in the minds of the people entrusted to help people like me.

Just because the shoe fits doesn’t mean the fingerprint matches

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey, just some thoughts for what it’s worth. You probably have considered this already, but if the doctors are finding nothing (I’ve been there, many trips and tests, and then my significant other said, “hey get them to test for x” and bingo) could it be an environmental problem? Are you drinking tap water, eating at a particular restaurant often, etc., recent work on your house, or something like mold, is it possible someone in your near vicinity is cooking meth?

@hopefulPond6108

Thank you for reaching out and adding other ideas. I appreciate it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) uh - may I ask what your original plan is? You don't have to share of course. I guess my mind automatically jumps to a certain thing. I guess I worry - sorry

@mytwistedsoul

Original plan…..basically trying to get back to what got me through 40+ years before I had my complete breakdown. Which was retreating back into my head , I had everything locked tight in impenetrable walls and “faked” my way through life. If I can get everything rounded back up again and locked down, what’s faking it for a little longer.

I forgot the other part of your post. I will reread and post again.

@mytwistedsoul

ok, holistic? I am not completely sure what you mean by that?

Thanks again for reaching out. I am very appreciative of your ideas and questions.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh ok. That's sounds - well - I mean it gets you through the day but it's not really living. Which - I'm sure you know - sorry. Tbh - I lose time too. Hours - days - months. I don't remember hardly any of childhood

@mytwistedsoul

trigger warning….mentions of childhood sexual abuse and suicide.

My childhood trauma I mentioned was in regards to sexually abused as a child, I had 3 siblings who were sexually abused also.

As far as body is concerned, I have put it through the wringer throughout my life. I have broken a good majority of bones , I have had a multitude of various cuts and gashes, deep and shallow. Numerous bones smashed. Numerous concussions.

I also used smokeless tobacco and cigarettes since I was very young up until my breakdown a few years ago. I had some preliminary tests done a few years ago and was told I had some of the early signs of cancer. I didn’t follow up on that so I don’t know if that plays into anything at all.

After the last major concussion that put a golf ball sized dent in my skull , I had my complete breakdown. Where I quit my job, started purging my belongings, draining my accounts, and tidying up a few other details, then attempted numerous times to end my life.

That dent was the root cause of the “walls” I had hidden behind in my mind disappeared, that impact to my head shattered those walls. I was overwhelmed with everything that poured out.

I have dealt with severe depression for over forty years. I acted on that as a teenager and failed. Until my breakdown I never tried again. So I am well aware of memory issues related to depression.

The memory issues have always been there. But the last couple of months or so have been 100 times more extreme. I will “black out” small blocks of time. I think it mainly has been at home and when my body is a little more relaxed. I’m starting to forget blocks of memories from years back. I remember things that I don’t think I remembered before. That doesn’t make much sense but I can’t think how to word it better ag the moment. I am getting so messed up in my mind, I don’t know if the things I am remembering are actually memories or not. Am I losing it?

I need to stop rambling, I am really out of focus.

Thanks again for reaching out.

@mytwistedsoul

Holistic approach, is that a religious or spiritual thing?

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination, I am very open minded to anything , but I am of neither belief or non belief. I don’t practice any religion.

Like I said I’m open minded to any and all ideas.

Thanks again for everything.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Its more spiritual then religious. I'm like you - I'm not religious at all. If there's something beyond - it's never done anything to help me. No prayers were ever answered. But I think you can be spiritual without religion - that's where the open mindedness comes in I guess. Idk - it was just a thought

@mytwistedsoul

I truly appreciate you and am grateful for your suggestions and questions. I’m ok with trying to answer most questions.

No I a have nobody to verify anything.

I have to post this and reread sorry

@mytwistedsoul

ok , I reread and I didn’t miss anything that time.

I know retreating is not the proper way to go but, raising the white flag of defeat and acceptance of that defeat seems to be the smartest path to take .

I am too drained on all fronts to fight anymore. I don’t know if what I want exactly. I do know that I am tired of the status quo. So since I am not gaining traction forward, reverse is the logical way to go.

I had started the tree thing and I am looking at those trees right now and wondering why I wanted them. I see them and want to throw them away.

What I wouldn’t give to spend the holidays with someone, not meaning in a hospital. Maybe I could get a little bit back of what I lost.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You can share here anytime you want. As I read what you posted, I didn’t think you were rambling at all. You are sharing what you are experiencing. That’s what we are here for.

It sounds like you have lots on your plate. Post here with us. Have you used writing things down or keeping a list that you can refer to?

Take care!

@SparklyFly

Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate your kindness and support.

Yes I have tried pen to paper writing down but I can’t read my own writing first of all, and secondly I forget where I put the list. On the fridge? I will spend hours looking for it later. On the desk , same thing. I try and avoid anything that I might need a list for.

Thanks again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hello my friend, just stopped to check in on you. I have been a bit busy with my husband and having work done on my house. I am still following you.❤️

@scarletPear1945

Nothing new here, still as negative and cranky as ever.

Thank you for checking in on me. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend.

As I sit here once again awake in the night, I ponder loneliness and and all its related things. I ponder the future and my part in it. I am left to think that I am a lost cause. Too many changes too many things happening at once and a mind that is struggling to grasp any sense of stability. I feel like I’m falling into a bottomless pitch black pit. I try and think of positive things and can’t. The little details that are a fact of life that occur whether I am here or not, are of no consequence to my positivity or my being.

I have nothing to look forward to. No Matt what happens here, I still have/am nothing in the real world. I still have nobody in the real world. I still am who I am whoever that is.

So, I guess I am back to wondering what the point of this is. Why continue if the end result is not going to change, Why open my brain up to the knowledge of how painful the journey is instead of staying in the dark and letting the journey continue oblivious to the misery it brings?

I am struggling with anxiety attack. I have to go get groceries and it’s not been a very good work week plus a lot of my other issues flaring up. I don’t want to be around people at all but I have to. Mornings is the least amount of traffic usually, this time of the year never know.

If I don’t go soon I will go through this again tomorrow morning. Then not go till next weekend, maybe. But probably not because then more people out because of Christmas. I started my frozen truck. I just need to take a shower and regroup myself, so I can try and stay calm for the trip.

Managed the shower part, still struggling with the rest, truck is still running. I am going to at least drive to town, what happens after that?

Got back and barely got stuff put away before I succumbed to a full blown panic attack . I am losing a grip on my control of managing my issues.

How can I regain the strength and desire to find my way out of this darkness that I was pushed back into, when I see no sense of purpose or reasoning that is in any way beneficial.

It seems more pointless and unnecessary to go through the effort to claw myself back into the light and be even more miserable than I am now. Adding emotions to the equation creates a negative consequence. The futility of my situation is confusing.

I can’t go on the way I have been. I can’t afford to hire someone to help me.

I am starting to lose the battle on all fronts.

I was in the store and hade a brain shut off moment, I don’t know how long it was but nobody said anything to me . I came to staring at the coolers, and it took me a good while to figure out where I was and what I was doing.

I am concerned even if doctors aren’t.

I just woke up from an old age nap. I all of a sudden gelt so drained and tired I closed my eyes and just woke up , feeling like I haven’t slept in days.

I tried to work on the tree thing for awhile. Made a big mess. Tried to “fluff” the branches and the white stuff they sprayed on tree falling off everywhere. Finally gave up.

I just feel so buried underneath multiple issues at once. Of course the depression, that is always there. Anxiety, trauma flashes, brain failures, loneliness, shame, guilt ….

I try not to expect anything out of a day/night, that way I don’t add more disappointment to my life.

I know I seem to wallow in self pity during my ramblings, it is not intended to come across that way . I am just stating the exact facts and thoughts presently running my life.

Motivation is not improving at all. My give a darn is long gone.

I am afraid…,scared….trembling….of not finding the light again. I fear I don’t have the time left to invest in finding it again.

I want it so badly that I know I won’t get it back. I suppose I should just accept that and get on with it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami When we are in a panic it is hard to find anything. Perhaps sitting down and taking some deep slow breaths may help calm your mind a little. I find it helpful to focus on something like my breath and keep my attention on the current moment rather than thinking or worrying about the future. The mind will protest of course. It may insist that it must worry about the future. When that happens I gently remind my mind that it is free to think all it wants when I am done with this simple exercise. I’m good at worrying - all humans are. The future will be what it will, with or without our consent and with or without our worry. It isn’t easy for humans to focus on the present moment, but focusing on something like the breath can help and give our minds a mini vacation, and just a few minutes vacation can be really helpful.

@hopefulPond6108 Thank you so much for the information., I appreciate you and your kindness and support.

What happens now?

Where do I go from here?

How do I get there?

Why is this happening?

When does it end?

Who am I?

I am so exhausted…. I can barely move. I haven’t done anything to be exhausted.

I wonder if it would work? I could just start walking. I am so out of it half the time anyway, so I think it would.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi.

I know you're not religious. But maybe still you could visit a church and ask is they have any fellowship-program or google it. So you could maybe meet some people.

@Helgafy

I would be interested in that if it weren’t for the social anxiety struggle to even go outside my own home thing . Thank you, great idea. I appreciate your input.