Single and in your mid 30s…

Hey, and thanks so much for checking in. I really appreciate it. Yes I’m in engineering but unfortunately a different field, I’m an electrical engineer. That’s so kind of you to offer that suggestion, I’d seriously consider it if I was a CE. Yeah, I’m hanging in. I’m definitely hurting less then when I made the original post but many of my thoughts at that point in time still apply, just a little less raw/sensitive to them currently as I’ve come to better accept my situation for the time being. Hope you are doing well yourself!

I hope you find more friends who share your interest

Thank you for that, I appreciate it. 🙂

I just turned 35 on May 8th. I’m the last person in the office who’s still single as well as in my circle friends. And yes, everyone is going out with their spouse and talk about families, children etc. So yes, I can relate to that because I feel lonely too sometimes. I know I have to keep busy or looking for new friends, but it’s just a hassle and not something that easy to do (to make friends). But yes I wish I could find a way to feel less lonely too. Maybe us unmarried 30 something people could hang out lol

I obviously can relate to this so so so much. It’s not easy to make friends when your older that’s for sure. The thing is even with things like meetup.com while I know there’s many of us out there in similar situations, I think some are too prideful to admit “I need to make new friends” or they simply are too anxious to go meet with a total group of strangers…which applies to me for the most part. I see a few meetup groups on my area for 30 something singles but even though they have 300+ people part of each group it always seems like only 4-5 people actually go. Just seems like it could be awkward, but that’s me just probably getting into my own head.

@MikeCheck88where are these I’d like to go

@MikeCheck88 I understand how you feel, I'm sorry that you've been feeling isolated. Have you shared your feelings with your friends to let them know that you'd like to meet up recently? I feel isolated at times too due to remote working and friends prioritising their romantic relationship over friendship, I view both as a priority. I've been looking for in-person meetup groups as a way to build my confidence up to meet new potential friends. It's important to feel connected and to share experiences in real-time.

@lovingApricot6415 hey Mike I just realized that this post was from a few weeks ago, I'm glad you're doing much better now and that you have received so much great advice from everyone in this thread, best wishes! ☺️

No worries, I appreciate any and all feedback and support. It’s comforting to see the responses from so many people and how kind people can be. Thank you!

I have, and to my friends credit they have made efforts to reach out more and such. That being said there’s only so much you can ask for as for example those with infants, sometimes it’s logistically just not possible to make time. Ironically those same people are telling me they miss the days of just hanging out with friends and such and they “need the break”. It frankly confuses me that people make the choices they do if that’s how they feel. Is it just the pressure of societal norms to go down the path whether you want to or not?

@MikeCheck88

This is the best thread. You're a realist. I whole heartedly agree with you. The societal pressures to conform drown out personal desire and goals sometimes. I am grateful to be single and able to use my friends' situations as a comparable, in a helpful way. What image are you chasing?

Thank you for that (I’ll take realist as a compliment haha) and appreciate your framing of words as they are true and a great point to be considered.

@MikeCheck88 Hi Mike , This is just my personal opinion. Being married ain’t that great . I found out recently that my wife of 23 years Said that she was only happy for the first 3 years of our marriage . I asked her why and she couldn’t give me a real explanation. The *** with marriage it’s just another antiquated Human Concept. I really wish I could go back in time and stay the single man I was. You know what they say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

Hey, I’m so sorry to hear that…that’s got to be extremely tough. Frankly it’s stories like that, that have caused me to remain single as long as I have over the years and to never really truly let my guard down to a partner. But besides the point, I do agree that while I am in the situation I am, there’s so much stuff I could be doing and I should be doing…but it’s tough to do things solo…at least for me it is. Wishing you all the best, thanks for the words of advice.

Hi Mike, how are you doing with everything? Just wanted to check in and see how you were

Hey! Thanks again for checking in, you are too kind. Frankly, I have my ups and downs. There are days I’m happy and content to be where I am and almost feel liberated that I can do whatever I want and I’m the only one dictating my life. On the other hand, we are social creatures and the want for companionship or just friendship sinks in and makes me want to be able to share my experiences with a significant other or friend(s). I think my biggest hurdle is still going out and doing things solo and trying to escape the mindset that I’m some “loser” while doing so. Hope you are doing well yourself.

Sounds challenging. I hope it gets better for you.

Thank you so much for this kind words!

Hello! Mid 30s and currently separated so while not exactly what you're dealing with I get the whole feeling lonely thing. I will say if any of these friends are newly married (3 yrs or less) that's still like the honeymoon phase and people tend to have most if not all social interactions with their spouse. Talk to your friends about how you're feeling. Real friends won't take offense and will be understanding.

Im sorry to hear about your situation but thank you for mentioning this! I have heard about said honeymoon phase and came to a similar conclusion myself. Yes, basically all my close friends got married in the last 3 years and I believe (understandably) it’s a big change but also believe things will settle down and they will begin to look inwards and want a balance in life. I’m obviously biased but I would think that family and friends are both necessary to lead a fulfilled life as they both fit different needs. In fact after talking to some of these friends how I felt they have confessed even now only a few years in that they miss being with friends and will be trying to make more of an effort to get together and such. My hopes are things will trend in this direction but only time will tell. Hoping for all the best for you!

"The grass is always greener on the other side".

When I was together with my ex-fiancé with our son, I thought my life was complete but... Slowly, had less and less friends. Couldn't hangout with family. I felt lonely and isolated. It didn't help that my ex-fiancé was verbally & physically abusive and was an alcoholic. I was envious of my single friends, who didn't have to worry about compromising all the time with their partner, or worry about kids, finances, etc. I was overwhelmed and had to take care of everything at home

Now? I've been single for a while, dated here and there but ultimately... I actually enjoy being alone. A LOT. I love that I don't have to always compromise or change myself for ANYONE. I like that I can meet many different people. I'm happy I don't have to worry about pleasing someone else all the time. I can decorate the house however I please. Dance or sing at random hours out of the day. Spend more time on hobbies, etc and the little one and I have similar hobbies, so it's pretty cool! Some things may be a bit harder with having a child and all, but if you're childfree and single, enjoy it!

Go out and meet people in groups, bars, downtown, hiking/trekking, etc. Go enjoy your life!

If you want to have fun too, dating apps don't hurt or just old school seeing the same person often at the places you frequent (ex. Book store, park, bar, what have you) and asking them to hangout. Your couple/married friends might even be able to set you up too!

I've been focusing more on self-improvement since... I need time to heal and focus on my son & myself.

I wish you luck friend 🍀 and hope your journey goes smoothly! ✨

Thanks you for those words of encouragement and suggestions. I’m sorry to hear what you originally had to go through but it sounds like you’ve come out as a better person and really been able to identify what you value in life and what makes you happy. I agree with so much of that, I just have the flip side of feeling I miss out on experiences because I’m ashamed to do it alone for whatever reason. But so many of the other comments about nothing having to compromise I whole heartedly agree with and enjoy too.

@MikeCheck88 Hey, no problem! I've been there...I've felt really lonely after I lost my family. It kind of sucks, because I was SO used to waking up with someone by my side, and now I'm alone. But overtime, it hasn't phased me much. There's nothing wrong with doing events or going out alone, I actually do that a lot lol. It's kind of a nice feeling tbh. I feel relaxed and can just be free to be me.

Anyhow...How have you been Mike? What's new with you? :) Hope things are better for you!

@MikeCheck88 hi there! Let me first commend you for braving it all out there and addressing the elephant in the room. You are admirable and keep being you!

I totally relate! Where my single ladies at? 😂 It’s like society labels singleness as lack; like something’s missing in your life. Truth of the matter is, it’s a season of life. Others may have transitioned to a summer while you’re still in spring and that’s okay! Thing is, relationships (either with ourselves, and with a romantic partner) is equally as honorable. May we never see singleness as something to be shameful of but rather an opportunity to get to know ourselves more and love ourselves even better.

Of course it’s easier said than done and it’s never going to be perfect. 😅 One day you’re in a power suit, owning your singleness like a pro, and in the next hot minute, you see couples all around you, with matching outfits, smiling with their cute babies or dogs in a stroller- whatever! But it is what it is.

You can never stop society dictating outdated mindset or other people shoving their beliefs in your face but you can choose how to respond, set your mind into, stand your ground, and live in the moment rather than being unhappy and miserable because of your status.

It’s been like a long rant, hehe, but these are my honest thoughts. 😊

Thank you so much for that! I love how you stated that and admire your enthusiasm and approach to these topics. Touched on so many true things. I just need to get better at taking things at face value and enjoying them vice worrying what others think or assume I should be doing and resulting in me feeling down simply cause I’m not meeting expectations vs actually not enjoying the situation itself.

Same ,im in my 28's , and my all friends get married and have kids ,they don't even ask for me but whenever came to ask is "u still single?" , That just hurt unknowingly. Idk. Why people just ask things without knowing purpose, many things aren't in our hands, it's fate, but ... I made my self more reserved and alone, I don't talk much to my friends, I don't talk to my relatives, trying to stay away from toxic people surrounding, that never let us become happy or stay in peace,

@MikeCheck88

My own experience as being someone single is finding something you like doing and finding like minded groups in your area. For example I'm a huge nerd when it some to comics and anime so I go to conventions, meet ups and online groups to chat with them.

I also have hobbies that enjoy doing, that can be done by myself or with groups, such as trying new foods in my local area.

@MikeCheck88

Hi there. I'm in the same situation as you and I also work from home so I get that it's not easy at times. That said, I have a few thoughts that might help, based on my own situation.

First thing I would say if you don't do it already, would be to find/practice things that you're really passionate about. There's something great in getting lost in the moment whether that's playing guitar, travelling, taking an acting class - whatever. It doesn't really matter what the activity/thing is but if you can find something that you're passionate about and gives you meaning, that's a fulfilling and worthwhile thing to pursue and it will remind you that happiness comes from within. Relationships only really enhance that (if they're healthy and not toxic of course). Not saying you don't know this but it can be good to remind ourselves.

Another thing that has helped me is to remind yourself that there are many other people who are in the same situation as you - this thread for example! There are also plenty of content creators on various platforms all from different backgrounds living single lives and sharing their experiences. If that's not your thing, you might find groups near you where you can meet a mix of different people, some of whom may well be single but regardless, the social aspect can often help too - especially with the working from home piece. Overall, If you're always comparing yourself to married friends, it will be hard not feel down sometimes but there are so many people who are single at this age for a multitude of reasons so experiencing a mix of both is good to gain perspective.

Also, to get a bit philosophical, I would say that nothing in life is guaranteed and things are not always as they seem - You could meet someone in 1, 10, or 20 years and one of your friends could be divorcing at that time and wishing they had what you had, or perhaps someone is envying your single life right now. You never know and we never can know exactly what's going on with other people all the time, so we might as well put that energy into ourselves, and developing as a person. Then when someone comes along or we meet someone we like, we're in a better position to choose wisely or enjoy a relationship.

Hope some of that helps and take care - don't be too hard on yourself :)

@MikeCheck88

Perspective from a married woman:

I find it easier to hang out with unmarried people than other married couples.

I had a set of friends who are all married, like myself. We have drifted apart because our schedules aren’t lining up, making it harder to hang out. I don’t blame them.

Fortunately, my husband still has unmarried friends who have more free time to hang out. I appreciate that they don’t mind me tagging along sometimes ☺️

Appreciate the input and exactly I’m usually the most flexible for many obvious reasons and like you I don’t mind tagging along if anything. From all the feedback I’ve gotten it seems like there’s a multitude of things at play. 1. The type of people they are, some will just gravitate towards family only life and it is what it is. 2. As all are recently married, many are likely still in a honeymoon phase and lots of life changes and things to get used to. I still can’t help and just feel so out of place within my social circle that to me friends fulfill a totally different “need” socially than a SO does, even when you’re one of those people who consider’s their SO to be their “best friend” also. I mean even over the years when we would all be dating, I’d still want to hang out with the guys or get everyone together where as my buddies would just turn into one of those recluses that’d only want to be with their girlfriend 24/7 alone…I just have never been that way. I’ve always felt balance is necessary but I guess I’m the outsider here in feeling that way.

@MikeCheck88

Wow, it’s like we are living the same life! I decided to make it my mission to go to every couples event, work event or anything social I was invited to for six months. Through that I managed to make friends with so many people in similar situations and now being the single one in my group no longer bothers me because I have my fellow single friends :) hang in there - it’s much lonelier to be in a bad relationship than it ever would be to be single! Brighter days are ahead for you!! (Side note - not sure where you are located but my colleague has a great group of single friends she met through the friends version of Bumble, I think it’s called bumble bff)

Thank you so much for sharing that optimism. Gives me some hope of “righting the sinking ship” per se. In addition, that’s great to hear about Bumble for friends, I used it for dating and had recently remembered it had a friends feature but didn’t go past that. I’ll definitely attempt to give it a shot and see what it turns up. Thank you! 🙂

@MikeCheck88

Hi Mike.

I too was the last single person in my friend group at 30. And watched the friendships change as their focus shifted to thier new families. It was very sad and lonely to me.

A few things helped. I moved cities for a job. This forced me to join new clubs etc and so I developed new friends. I didn't lose the old ones, but I didn't need to rely on them so much.

I found my partner at 35. It'll happen for you if you want it to. It's hard to be patient. But I'm glad I was.

And finally, something you possibly don't want to hear. I was with my partner when we shifted to work from home. I loved it. More time together. Just more time in general from not having to commute/dress up etc. I was never a social butterfly, so I really enjoyed the peace. When our company suggested we go back once a week, I resisted. It was torturous having to drag myself back to the office. But things started happening. I began to enjoy work more. I argued less with my partner. I became less frustrated. Now I'm doing 2, sometimes 3 days in the office. In the freedom that work from home gives us, its easy to overlook the potential long term downsides for mental health, because these only creep up on us gradually. Human beings are social beings. Even for those of us who enjoy our own company. Work from home has lots of benefits. But it does have the downside of social isolation. You may need to push yourself to get back into society.

Thank you for sharing this, seems I’m not alone having gone down this path…

I agree with everything you’ve said and I think I’ve seen it all first hand.

Concur on forcing yourself to socialize or get out. Last week I made the decision to start forcing myself in the office and I think it’s a good start. It’s just difficult at times when I go and it’s an empty office, that’s not a good feeling in its own right. But the days where people were there, it indeed was nice.

im hoping yo make a job hop to a new city such as in your case soon but sometimes it’s such a hard thing to do especially when you’re not on your “A game” as I have been for a while now.

@MikeCheck88 ok went through this. Your friends forgetting single friends exist very normal.

I brought marriage to every house I lived in.

I finally lived alone with cats.

*I* got married haaha (first).

Single and it sucks.especially after 35. Takes a lot to simply try leaning into the universal plan

Frankly feel good you are in a much better position than I am in lol.im 36 single, unemployed trying to study for a major exam, recently got dumped,dealing with a couple mental illnesses,etc only good thing was losing 100 pounds during covid.

I’m sorry to hear that, got to be rough but at least you’re working towards improving yourself via said exam. I can definitely relate on some of the other points. Was dumped last year in the midst of a tough mental health period (that’s still ongoing) and I know how it can feel like everything’s falling apart all at once. It tough, no way around if. All you can do is take it day by day. Wishing you all the best.