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Clio9876
8 19,464 M Progress Road 8
PathStep 163 Compassion hearts3,221 Forum posts596 Forum upvotes1,063 Current upvotes1,063 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceAugust 1, 2021
Recent forum posts
Beer fountain dilemma
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Clio9876
Last post
 Sunday
...See more My partner was drinking enough alcohol for it to be damaging their health. They've recently cut down and are seeing the health benefits. We're looking at a weekend away for Christmas. I found a promising hotel. Among other things, my partner commented "it is near the free beer fountain!" I don't find it funny. A few years ago, I would have found this a totally normal comment and we likely would have visited the beer fountain. Now I'm frustrated at the normalisation of giving away a destructive drug for free. I'm afraid that if I respond to the comment I'll be perceived as being a melodramatic negative party pooper.  I want to focus on the positives. I want to support my partner in cutting down and improving their health. But comments like this one make me afraid that my partner is still in denial about alcohol and destroy my hope. Thanks for the space to figure out my feelings.
Improving a bad posture
Motivation & Accountability / by Clio9876
Last post
 August 17th
...See more TW Child abuse. Motivation sometimes comes from the most surprising of places. I've been working on my posture. It's hard to change 40 years of habit. So it's slow and gradual. Today I read a post on another site by someone else working on their bad posture in middle age. Like me, they have discovered that the problem isn't the back, but a collapsed core. As they put it: "From protecting myself from beatings as a child". And then they wrote "it's hard to remember that no one is going to hit me anymore" I wasn't beaten as a child. But my collapsed core is also due to feeling hurt and defensive in the past. And it is hard to remember that I don't need to anymore. But today I'm going to walk tall. In solidarity with anyone and everyone out there, and particular with that one poster. Everyone who is feeling small, but determined to keep trying. I will, because you do.
My cat
Positivity & Gratitude / by Clio9876
Last post
 August 9th
...See more My cat was recently critically ill. After a stressful journey of complications over several months, she's navigated the final hurdle of a risky operation and is recovering. A few people on 7 cups have kindly listened and supported during the moments when we thought we were going to lose her. To thank them I create this post, so they can see what they have helped with. This is my cat, enjoying the simple pleasure of sitting in the sun with friends, on the first day when she was allowed out again after the operation. The beginning of the rest of her life.
Having fun as a mindful practice
Mindfulness Center / by Clio9876
Last post
 July 1st
...See more The TED talk below reminded me that to have fun you have to be in the present and in a state of flow, both aspects of mindfulness. https://youtu.be/iMBJrvEwv8s?si=1YMNK_pgLqd0IMhx I don't know why, but I've associated mindfulness with low energy states like calm, relaxed and meditation. And sometimes these don't reflect my energy level. So, I found it refreshing to be reminded that you can be mindful and energised. And in fact, it reminded me that there's a theory that the purpose of play in children and young animals is to learn about emotional regulation - to get excited and learn to calm down in a safe context. So now I'm inspired to think about how I can use play to achieve my emotional learning objectives. It certainly seems a fun way to go about it. When did you last have fun? How could I get more fun into my life? And wishing you as much fun today as would make your day the best.
A chicken and egg story
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 February 24th
...See more When physical and mental health coincide. I used to work at a unit for dogs with behavioural problems. Vet treatment of dogs in our care could sometimes be an interesting challenge. But I worked with an amazing vet. Together we'd find a way to do whatever treatment the animal needed. After a year, I started to notice a pattern. Many dogs would come to us for a behavioual reason, and soon after arrival, we'd be identifying a medical issue. Was this a coincidence? I looked back at records. And found out that over 50% of the dogs had had a chronic physical medical condition. 50% ! Half !  That's a huge proportion with health problems. I have no idea which comes first. Some behavioural problems cause medical problems. Some medical problems cause behavioural problems. (In fact, behaviour is often how an owner tells their vet their pet is not well - not eating, limping, sleeping a lot etc etc). Was this a coincidence? It doesn't seem so to me. Why might this matter to us? In many parts of the world, including where I grew up, human mental health and physical health are considered quite separately. My experiences are leading me feel that a more holistic approach could be beneficial. And it sheds a totally new light on the shame of mental illness. If such a huge proportion of mental health issues might be associated with a physical problem, why should anyone feel they are weak for struggling mentally, when they likely have no control over it? Do you have a medical condition that affects your mental health? Do you ever think your mental health affects your physical health? What effects does it have? Sending healing vibes Clio.
Help! I've been manipulated into doing something I didn't intend!
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 January 18th
...See more And I liked it! I have cats. They have a thing of appearing beside, or on me, and getting me to stroke them. They nearly always succeed. Even when it is inconvenient. How do they manage that? I want more intimacy in my relationship. Can these cats teach me anything? Should I be a bit more rude, demanding and pushy? But the thing is, my cats seem to be good at manipulating me politely. An eye blink and head tilt. Purring and a head bash. I'm wondering what the human equivalent of head bashes, purring and blinking is. So I'm asking you to spill your secrets. What subtle little tricks of body language get your loved one or partner to respond with affection on a subconscious level?
Here's a story about spoons.
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 December 24th, 2023
...See more Imagine a first time cook, following a recipe to cook a dish. They use one spoon to measure out the flour and dump it, dirty, into the sink. They use another spoon to measure the butter and again, dump it into the sink. Another spoon to measure the salt, and likewise, into the sink. And so it continues, until all the ingredients are in the pan. The recipe then says put it on the heat and stir. They put it on the heat and look in the drawer for a spoon. But they are all gone, used and dirty in the sink. Quickly they rush around washing some spoons up, turn to the dish, and, it's a disaster! The food has burnt onto the pan and the dish is ruined. What a novice cook like this needs, is someone more experienced, to teach them how to better manage their spoons. Use the same one for flour, salt and sugar, maybe. Use the one used for the butter for stiring too. Etc. I'm sure you know how it could have been done better. Spoon theory goes that each day we have a limited amount of energy. We use that energy during the day to do the things we need to do. We use a spoonful of energy to do the washing up, a spoonful for shopping, a spoonful for gardening etc etc. If we have something difficult to do, we plan maybe an easy day, so we have the energy/enough spoons for it. When something goes wrong, like a missed appointment, we use an extra spoonful of energy to cope with it. When lunch is late, we use a mental 'spoon' to cope with it. Someone coping with chronic pain is using energy and thus an extra spoon, constantly to cope with the pain. When we are worrying about something we need to do tomorrow, we are also using up an extra mental 'spoon'. When you have a bad day, you can reach the point where you have just "run out of spoons" Just like the novice cook, it all becomes a disaster. But all is not lost, just like the novice cook, learning how to better manage spoons is totally possible. Just like any other skill, where seeking out an expert to teach you would be completely normal, experts who teach skills to better manage life spoons are available. The problem is, for some weird reason, society has decided that it is shameful to need to learn this skill. Like many others I want to change that. In case you haven't twigged, i believe that therapists/counsellors/psychologists/whatever they are termed in your society, would be the experts in teaching spoon management skills, because they teach us skills that enable us to get more out of life. Just as there's no shame in learning any other new skills, why should there be shame in seeking advice on how to learn the skills to better manage your life spoons? When was the last time you "ran out of spoons"? What happened? Do you agree or disagree that therapists are experts in life skills that can benefit everyone?  Wishing you a day of plenty of spoons. 💛
When trying to stop a behaviour is counter productive: Part 3 of things I learnt as a pet behaviourist
35 & Over Community / by Clio9876
Last post
 November 22nd, 2023
...See more I learnt a lot from a lady we'll call Pam. One day we were talking about the classic things owners say during a consult. Pam's favorite was "I've tried everything to stop him/her doing x". She said it was her favorite, because as soon as an owner uttered it, she knew what the problem was. And knowing the problem, she knew how to solve it. Animals do things to meet a need. They eat because they are hungry, drink because they are thirsty, run away because they are scared (the need here is safety), bark for attention etc etc. Pam even said that in her view, animals don't have behaviour problems, because they are just meeting a need. It is the owner that has a problem with the animal's behaviour. Anyway, back to "I've tried everything to stop him/her doing x". If you try to stop a behaviour, the need behind it doesn't go away. So one of two things happen. The behaviour comes back, because the need still needs to be met, or the animal tries to meet the need with a different behaviour. Take the dog that spends a lot of time on its own in a yard. It has a need for social and mental stimulation. So it starts jumping out of the yard. The owner builds the fence higher. The dog digs under the fence. The owner concretes the yard. The dog starts barking at passers-by. The owner shouts at the dog to shut up. The dog continues to bark. The owner buys an anti bark collar. The dog starts biting its tail etc etc. As soon as an owner says they have tried everything to get xyz to stop, you immediately know the one thing they haven't tried - meeting the need. The trick to stopping a behaviour, is to provide an alternative for meeting the need. Once the need is met, there's nothing driving the behaviour, so it will stop happening. I'm always reminded of this when I catch myself thinking, "I wish I could stop doing xyz" or "I wish so and so wouldn't do that" or "why can't I just stop being anxious!?"  or angry, or miserable or whatever. The answer is generally that I haven't yet replaced the habit with an alternative that better meets the underlying need. What about you? Do you have any habits you wish you could stop? Have you ever found that the more you try to stop doing something, the more it happens?
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