Cycles of PTSD

@TrineT

Hey there,

Im sorry to hear things are rough for you right now, and it sounds like they have been for quite some time, so I hope you are receiving some much needed support to help you through your troubles.

I just wanted to say, your are actually stronger than you think, you are not beaten, you are winning this battle step by step, because you are not allowing it to take over your life, define you as a person, you get up, shower, dress, eat breakfast, go and do a days work, you have routine, and routine helps us move forward in a positive motion, your doing this perfectly.

Best Of luck to you my friend, I admire your strength, and let's hope your recovery is a speedy one

Emma x

Thank you so much for the uplifting message. I hit just the right spot.

Work was very busy and helped me keeping me occupied. Only one flashback today and no one was around (that I know of). That is a successful day. I kept your words of encouragement with me and it was very helpful in the time immediately after the flashback. I did pick up and I did keep on going.

I hope everyone else out there managed to get through their day successfully.

Tonight - yes I worry about having to sleep, yet we need the sleep so desperately to feel even better tomorrow. No pressure, right! 😀

@TrineT

Your most welcome, I'm glad I was able to help, even if it was just for a brief moment.

Your an incredible person, never forget how well you are doing, your sucseeding, your fighting, and your not giving up, that's really commendable.

Very best wishes to you

Regards Emma.

Was tired after a hectic day at work and yesterday had been a relatively good day - I thought perhaps I would sleep well. Sometimes I can exhaust my body enough to where I can fall asleep quick and sleep through the entire night - that feels so good.

last night I woke up four times from nightmares. It was not the same nightmare every time. I think that's is more confusing to me because I am not sure what the triggers are then. And thus I don't know how to avoid or minimize the reoccurrence.

i am a little more apprehensive of going to work today as I don't feel quite as alert, I will try to listen to some calm but positive music on my way to work.

I hope for a busy day that will totally exhaust me and I hope for no flashbacks. Plus can I have my appetite back?

@Emma, thanks for the words of encouragement, it was really comforting to have some positive words. I hope you have a beautiful day

@TrineT

Ahh gosh! I'm sorry your having to deal with nightmares on top of everything else, you sound exhausted, it must be very difficult for you at times to fully concentrate on work, may I ask, are you receiving any professional help towards the recovery process of your PTSD? I'm assuming your nightmares are something to do with this?

Either way, I think you doing a brilliant job by keeping your life on track, having the motivation to keep a positive structural daily routine keeps you in the hear and now which provides a healthy mindset. You have a zest for life and to never give up, that's a very powerful tool to use to your advantage.

I really hope things start to change for you real soon, I think your incredible

Be well and be safe

Regards Emma

Just got home from work. It was a really busy and exhausting day. That means I might get to sleep really good tonight. I guess I got what I wished for (wanting to get exhausted).

work was a mixed bag today. Not even one flashback - yaaaaah. However, the day was incredibly stressful and emotionally draining.

Hmm, this writing is rather therapeutic, which I find interesting as I have never felt good about writing or journaling in the past.

@Emma,

No, I am not currently receiving any professional help. I got some counseling 10 years ago. I thought I could get rid of this PTSD then, now I am just trying to learn how to cope with all the ups and downs of PTSD cycles as they come and go. Some are as short as a few weeks others last months. It is the long periods of having constant night terrors, flashbacks, etc that totally wears you down physically, mentally and spiritually.

Well, better cash in on this draining day and hopefully that payout will be good sleep

@TrineT

Hi Trine, have the last couple days been any better for you?

I agree that you're a fighter and you are getting through this tough road. It's hard but so worth it. I know you have a great strength deep inside because you are reaching out. I do hope you'll start sleeping better though. We all need some good sleep every now and then, More now often than then, :)

Winding down for a few minutes after a stressful day was good. I fell asleep quickly, it never ceases to amaze me how great that feels in comparison to the nights you spend tossing and turning trying to find sleep.

then the nightmares had to interfere. After the first one I follow my routine of trying to reorient myself, deep breathing, positive words, and holding my husbands hand while trying to fall asleep again.

the second nightmare - same routine but it is really hard to fall asleep because I am anxious about having more dreams.

after the third nightmare I just got up. I know I won't get anymore good sleep. Tried to settle down with some studying and soft music- too difficult to concentrate. Found 7cups and started writing, but the text vanished more than halfway through. That was really frustrating. It made me question how therapeutic it was to write/journal. However, if I can feel so upset about it not working, then it must mean that it is important to me on some level.

@KristenHR

the answer would be yes and no. No, the PTSD is "well and alive"; yes I feel better because I am not giving in and I am trying out this 7Cups as a new coping strategy.

When a cycle of PTSD gets long, I can get really down mentally as well as physically. Loss of sleep and appetite means less energy and emotional resources to deal with the anxiety that will increase and at some point I feel like giving up and a depressive state enters. I am fully aware of where on the spectrum I am, however, I have never felt able to be in control and stop the downward spiral.

all I know to do is my routines, avoid known triggers, and hope it is a short round of intensive PTSD.

I am in bed now. Finished my routines and I am calm yet really nervous. I feel like I have done a lot the past few days to reach out and to get this period of PTSD stopped. I am scared that none of it will work and that night will be terrifying. What if it doesn't work, is it the technique is it me, or did I simply just not do enough? Positive thoughts, positive words: I can get through this, I will get through this, I have gotten through this before.

Why do we feel so vulnerable at night? Please let all the outreach work - it is supposed to work.

I am still scared of going to sleep. But I will be ok, you will be ok, we will be ok.

Sleep did not come easy and did not stay long. After a couple of nightmares I got up at 1:00am. The house is dark and quiet and your emotions start rolling. I am so tired. I feel hurt and frustrated that the last week of working hard on reaching out and trying to use writing as a new coping skill is not paying off the way I want it to.

But I have learned one thing from my years of experience. If I allow myself to give up I will for certain end up depressed and have suicidal thoughts. If I keep on fighting and keep trying then there is hope that I can break the cycle earlier.

Last night I decided to go with distraction. Movies don't work for me, my thoughts end up wandering. I tried out the group support chat rooms. I felt it was very confusing, disturbing at times, and a bit too much negativity for me to handle and I was about to sign off again. Then I got to experience how an experienced listener intervened and changed the whole forum and really helped out a member.

Although, I was just a spectator at that moment, I felt as if I received a great deal of hope

@TrineT

Hello again 🙂

Im so sorry I've missed your replys these past few days, however I am really pleased you are using this space to journal your thoughts and reflect upon them. The group chats can be quite busy at times, and filled with many characters, there not for everyone, so I'm really happy you are having a more positive experience and witnessing support in the forums 🙂

I can hear how much of a struggle life is for you right now, and I'm sorry your having to deal and re live what's has been a nightmare for you, but let me just gently remind you of how far you have already come, 10 years as a fighter is one heck of a survivor, and I for one am proud of you still having the strength and determination to continue your battles to reach a happier place, remember sweetheart, each battle is a battle closer to winning the war. Never let go of hope.

H.O.P.E = Hold On Pain Ends

Take care you beautiful strong lady

Emma X

I miss my children.

@Rasberry1976,

Hi Raspberry - thinking of you and sending you warm hugs and lots of positive thoughts. It is hard when you miss someone.

Yes, thank you Trine. I may not have had the positive stamina to care for my children but that is why 2 parents exist. That is why communication exists. That is why different avenues exist. That is why God allowed for people to be forgiven for their son's. We all have eyes to see but when they fiction misleading the body, that is why physicians exist and their entities. Thank you@TrineT

The last two nights - same old same old - rough "sleep". yesterday I felt really worn down and not happy at all. I didn't want to talk to anyone, did not want to eat, did not want my garden, did not want 7cups, did not....etc just one of those days. Nothing could pick me up that day, Nor did I want to be picked up - or so it felt. Then another night with crazy dreams, had to get up and change sheets as I was soaking wet from sweat, heart pounding, dry mouth, feeling shaky, dizzy, and as mad as I could ever be. I was so angry and mad at the whole world and myself. Just STOP IT, STOP those dreams, STOP those feelings. It was 3:30 before I got back to bed. Then miracles happened. I woke up at 05:00 in the morning and felt great! I was in a good mood, coffee tasted good, felt wide awake!!! How did that happen??? I am baffled. It almost felt comical. Work was great, I made some of the best judgement calls that truly saved one of my patients. I felt ALIVE. and not a single flashback.

Life is crazy I don't understand it. but I do know that I am absolutely in need of nutrition, sleep, and perhaps some "tea" I would like to order what ever kinda sleep I had from 03:30 - 05:00 this morning because it made me feel like superwoman.

Beautiful, maybe you listened to the right person at the right time, 😍. I am going through the same restless things you are. You talking to me had me uplifted by you understanding and consoling me. I felt like giving up last night because it seems every time I move forward I fall into a never ending black hole. I know I do this and it is bad that is why I sought medical attention leading me to this sight. It has waisted so much of my precious time, love, energy and money till it's not funny anymore. Thank you for being supportive. I guess being nice doesn't always back fire, you started feeling better.@TrineT

@Rasberry1976

Hello there,

Please remeber, we have a huge community here and waiting to help support you too, through your troubles and hardships, you are equally important as anyone else, your happiness, progress and recovery are important, your journey is your journey and we are here to help provide you with comfort and support.

You a take good care of yourself

Emma x

@TrineT

You have done so well, I'm really very pleased you have managed to get some peaceful sleep! It's amazing how much controllable everyday tasks seem when you just just manage to get some rest! I feel very relieved for you right now!

Enjoy the rest of your a day, and I hope you have a pleasant evening 🙂

Sending more HOPE your way for a decent night sleep!

Regards Emma x

Today was - meehhh!

Yesterday was such a great day with lots of positive energy. Today I felt like an energizer bunny in need of a recharge. I didn't feel super anxious, stressed, sad or angry - rather, it was like an empty feeling. Not that I didn't care, I just couldn't "feel" my feelings. Phew, I better stop here And get some sleep. I can barely make sense out of it myself.

yeah, slept good. probably the best sleep I have had in three weeks. I am not sure if I have hit a turning point in this PTSD cycle. I have been down this road too many a times. But every good night or day counts. I am not going to worry about if this is the end of this PTSD cycle or if there is more to come, instead, today I am going to celebrate I had some quality rest. I did have dreams but thery were not nightmares or terrors - just dreams.

Today is even a stressfree day - no real work, just class all day learning about new exciting stuff.

Thanks for all the positive feedback on previous posts they have had such a great influence when the days and nights have appeared insurmountable. Your kind words have most certainly help hold up my spirit and your suggestions have allowed me to find hope that there are new views and techniques that I have not yet tried, thus there is still hope there is an end to this PTSD.

@TrineT

You want to know something, we can't always stop or prevent things from happening, so worrying about things that may or may not happen doesn't really help us does it, it just wastes all our energies in the meantime. Take each day as it comes, deal with the here and now rather than looking back or ahead, because what's important, is that you focus solely on today 🙂 I'm really glad you have realised this, and got some decent sleep!!!

I also want to say, you don't have to thank me for my support, I am here because I want to be, I may not have all the answers, make this disappear, or even have the correct words at times, and I won't pretend I know what your going through, but that doesn't mean i cant show understanding, compassion or support, what I can guarantee, the support I offer to you, has come from a good place, a genuine care. I have enjoyed walking by your side this past week, and I would like to thank you, because not only do I admire your strength a courage, journaling your thoughts, emotions and feeling here with us, I have learned a great deal from you, so thank you! I think your amazing!

Very best wishes
Emma x

@TrineT

So glad you are using this platform for healing. You've been in my thoughts. I'm so glad you've had a good night of sleep. Hoping for many more for you.

Embarrassed and upset

Today I was learning about some new exiting ways we can help heart Failure patients. There were eight of us in the class and 2 instructors. I felt good because I had slept great. Overall I am still a bit fatigued and the appetite has yet to arrive - but all in good time. Most certainly had a day I was looking forward to (even the physics and math parts of the lectures were exciting). We had gone through 2/3 of the class and I was sitting down at a table working on some sample data, while the other half of the class was working on some pumps and other equipment. Suddenly I get a flashback and I get all frozen. images and feelings are flooding in and I am trying to grasp hold of reality. It feels so futile because the feelings are so intense. It is fear, uncertainty, grief, guilt, helplessness. At some point I most have lost the battle of trying to get a grip of reality because next I just remember looking around trying to figure out where I am at.

my collegue sitting next to me has this funny look on her face and you just know that she saw it. She starts asking questions out of concern "are you ok, are you dizzy, what happened, are you having chest pains, do you want me to call someone, etc. I felt a little pale, dizzy, clammy. While she is asking all these question I am just frantically trying to gather my senses again. trying to think through my routine to regain "control".

I ended up lying to her just saying I had a moment of really strong nausea and just couldn't talk at the moment and excused myself to go to the restroom. I was so upset. This was my new job, I don't want to have any issues at work. You immediately get afraid that your future employment could be in danger and also what would people think of you know. It is a pretty highstrung environment with great demands put on you and you are expected to deliver your best.

Walking back into the classroom my collegue asked me some of the same questions and I just joked about it saying "I hope I am not pregnant with that kind of nausea". I kept redirectiong the conversation away to other topics, but I am fairly certain she knows something is not right and I am just not wanting to talk about it.

I am so embarassed about it. Glad that most of the class was doing other stuff with noisy pumps and alarms going off. I dont want to face my other collegue again anytime soon. I keep thinking about what I possibly could have said or done during my flashback, because I do not remember all of it. I know I at times can yell out or make gestures. I hope this was not one of those times.

You don't need to feel embarrassed over memory moments that are going to happen whether you want them to or not. You handled it really well. You should be proud of yourself.@TrineT

I hate having to get government assistance. Once the computer system started there are people on my assistance such as my ex-husband (alcoholic/drug addict), my mother and her husband (alcoholic and drug/addict) on my case and the specialist won't remove them. My ex husband's mother is a retired Government Assistance Worker. My ex husband and I do not get along nor do I get along with his family. My sister was married to his cousin (reserved serviceman) and this is how my ex husband and I met. I was mailed a letter oneday by Government Assistance saying that any grant medical money that I use must be repaid or upon my death the monies will be collected from my oldest son (I guess no wonder anymore why I miscarried in my first pregnancy.) There are similarities of my rapist and bullies I have had through out my life as Government Assistance Workers working my Assistance Case and at the State Assistance facilities. I'm guessing the tax payer dollar I am supposedly using is a criminal offense despite the purple heart my grandfather acquired in ww2. There should be some law against Government Worker's family members dating State Assistance recipients (human trafficing). There should also be therapy posters at every State Assistance facility because if you have to get State Assistance I am for sure that you are under some type of tramatic stress. But, you know the Government, blood thirsty, belligerent and controlling.

I am about to start packaging my things for storage. This is hard everyone as I am really looking forward to being homeless again.

@Raspberry1976

It is so difficult to start on that part of a journey - I have been there myself. I hope you eventually will be able to choose this experience to be a new start instead of the negative experience you are feeling right now. I am sending you warm thoughts and hugs as you deal with packing all those different pieces of your life in boxes and having to choose so carfully what you can bring with you right now. Some of this can be a good thing, you can leave things behind that cause bad memories and just bring items that bring you happy and comforting memories. keep posting - we are here for you when you need us. Keep taking those deep breaths and just focus on one step at a time. You can do it.

I am off work today. I have a thousand projects to do and none of them seems to be getting done right now! I am sure many of you can identify with the feelings of wanting to relax but you can't because there is so much to do, yet you are not getting much done because you feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand. You start on one project, then before you finish you see something else that needs to be done and you get distracted and then nothing gets finished. I caught myself doing this today. I am taking a momentarily break to regroup and rethink what I am doing. After this I am going to sit down and study until I can't concentrate anymore, then I will work on one task until I feel like I can study again. So perhaps only one task will be done today, but that is one more than nothing.

The road of recovery has always been and always is a bumpy ride. It goes up and down, and sometimes you even get lost for a little while. Yesterday evening and last night was "bumpy". I know it happens, I know it does not mean it will always be bad, however, I can still lose faith in myself and the progress I have made in those moments. Lots of nightmares and flashbacks, it is so emotionally upsetting, that it is difficult to even think of recovery, I can only focus on breathing and surviving in the moment.

I feel drained and discouraged this morning. I do not want to go to work, I do not feel like I have the resouces in me to be able to give any of myself to day. I feel like running and hiding and not come out at all. But that is not how my recovery will improve. I have to keep my routines, I have to force myself to face people to people interactions to encourage my own outreach, I have to continue working on my grounding techniques, and I have to take some calm easy breaths. I feel scared and vulnerable today.

Have you ever had too much coffee to drink - to the point where you are wide-eyed awake but you feel a bit skahy, your heart is definately up in the next gear, and your mind is just racing because you are thinking of a million things all at the same time. I did not have any coffee this morning yet I feel like I ovedosed on caffeine. I feel shaky, a little unsteady, wide-eyed awkae, and thoughts are racing, as i think of a million things all at once. It has not been a couple of plesant days. Lots of flashbacks and nightmares.

I know it will not get better all of the sudden from day to day. prior to this I had a few good days and nights and somehow hope crept in making me think that perhaps this is the end of this cycle. I allowed hope to enter. After feeling so low and scared for a while I need that bit of hope to lift me up, however, it is so difficult when that hope gets crushed so quickly again.

I most certainly do not feel like getting "back on the horse again" today. I am tired, discouraged, not feeling great, a little hopeless, and a little mad. I know what i need to do: work on grounding techniques, get some exercise, eat right, and I ought to do some outreach. I am lucky if I do one or two of those things today because right now I really do not want to - I want to feel that anger to feel something besides scared.

I was sitting down with a cup of coffee trying to think through where I am at in regards to how I feel. I am not sure. I am still angry but not as angry as yesterday, I am still glad to see the garden grow but not excited, I am so fatigued but I still get up and get going. I think I feel as if I have lost the spark, the interest, the enthusiasm for life. I did not try to do 1:1 conversations the past couple days, I do not have the energy nor the motivation to try to explain what a flashback is or what PTSD is. No, I am not suicidal, I am just really really tired, yet sleep feels like the enemy. Sleep allows for the nightmares to come. Can't win for losing today. I guess this is where I am today.

@TrineT hello I'm Barbara and when I was 17 my father raped me I thought it was my fault but it wasnt

when I was 49 he started up again I never knew why he did it to me not my sisters you know the say tell your mother well I told Her and she didn't believe me

until my father told H the truth

I quit, I give up. Just let me have a few hours of restful sleep.

@TrineT

Hi again,

I not surprised you feel like giving up because your mind and body are under a great deal of stress, and having to deal with the upset and emotions of PTSD can be very exhausting, I really feel for you at the moment, as I follow your journey here, I see how strong and brave you are, each and every day, continuing to put yourself out there, determined to carry on despite how your feeling inside, it's just commendable. I know your not feeling to great right now, but let me explain something, by you being here, recording your journey for us all to follow, you are inspiring others to take the same steps you have, and that is an amazing achievement.

I am preying you are able to have some restful sleep this evening, face another day with slightly more energy.

Take care sweetheart

Emma x

@TrineT

Hang in there Trine. You are so worth it. There wil be ups and downs. You're doing the the work... you'll get there. :)

The past few days I have just given up. I have allowed myself not to fight back, did not try to stop the flashbacks, I just let it all happen, gave up "control" (which I never had anyway).

I did not give up easily and now there is such a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and constant feeling down, but i just can't seem to muster the energy, willpower, or belief that I can fight this PTSD right now.

During this time I spoke to someone about how afraid the nightmares makes me. Their response was that I should just remember that the nightmares aren't real and then they will go away! I just want to put in a disclaimer - this was not a 7cup member/listener.

That statement made me so upset. You can't tell me that what I see and what I feel during a nightmare or a flashback isn't real. The memories and the images I see during nightmares and flashbacks are all too real and so are the feelings - that is the problem. I know the time is not real, but my body does not know that in the moment, thus everything seems real.

Not only did the stament make me upset I also brings doubt. Why am I not able stop this if it really isn't real (Trine please read your own sentences above), am I just so weak minded?, why are you even trying when you fail so often?, etc. so much self-doubt comes into play.

It has been almost a month with very little quality sleep, high stress and anxiety, lots of ups and downs, intense feelings, emotionally raw, lost a lot of weight, lost hope in myself. I am feeling so lost at the moment.

Routines - that is what keeps me going these days. I don't feel confident in my routines and techniques because I don't believe they are working so well for some reason right now. I going through the motions of my meditations and mindfullness but I have to admit my heart is not in it. I don't think the PTSD is getting any worse than last week, but I do think my own foundation of hope, healing, and belief is starting to crumble. It is time that I start thinking about getting professional help again. I need to find my way back. I have had the help from Psyhciatrist and counselors before, I do not like it, probably because they help me push myself to go to places I do not like to remember, so this is no going to be an easy decision. Have I really done all I can do by myself, what will they be able to do that I am not already doing?

@TrineT

Dear Trine, I'm so sorry you are losing hope these last few days. I hear you are hurting and overwhelmed with ups and downs and fight for healing. Know that you are cared for here, and even though we are on the other side of the screen, our hearts are right here with you. Hold on through these ups and downs - they are incredibly hard, you can get through them. With the detmination I've seen from you, you will get through them. Getting through this time is incredibly difficult. Those of us who have experienced it, know it's truth. You are in a battle for you and your healing.

If you ever need to message someone, please free to message me. I can't fix it by any means, but I can walk beside you through the pain and struggle, and through the joys and progress.

Hang in there and remember you are worth it - worth hanging on and continuing the journey. :)

A day off work. Although going to work can be stressful in so many ways, it most certainly also has its benefits. Work is usually so busy and demands my full attention that it is a distraction. It is a routine for me to get up at a certain time, do my meditation, get my cup of coffee and then get out the door. Then I am totally occupied for the next 13 hours or more at work.

When I am off work I lose my routine, I will try to sleep in a little because I am so tired and have been waking up multiple times every night. No good, can't sleep - better get up. I try to follow the same routine every morning with meditation, working on a grounding technique and of course - the cup of coffee. Then i get lost, there are all these projects, yet, I can't do A without doing B first etc. I also have to look online for a therapist, then there is the meal planning. I should have gotten A, B, and C done, yet it is afternoon and I am still on project A. Just planning dinner feels like a major accomplishment at this point.

I keep busy with little things yet lack the focus. I know I am just trying to hide from my own issues. I don't want to deal with it, but i don't get to choose when all of the sudden a flashback occurs, just because an ambulance drove by, or I am sitting quietly in my chair and memories or certain feelings suddenly sneak into my awareness.

Come on Trine figure it out - what caused this round of PTSD to start up? If I don't know how can I then prevent it from happening next time and how do you expect me to get better?

I am going to take some sleep medication tonight - because right now I feel like I am in survival mode and sleep is on top of the priority list.

First sleep, then nutrition, then I can deal with stuff - and that sounds a lot like a plan. I have a plan.