CPTSD, possible tw*
I'm in the middle of a bad CPTSD episode. It's like a fog that hijacks the brain. It creates suicidall ideation thoughts out of nowhere. I'm tired. I'm sad. I feel alone. Distractions don't work. I've been doing this way too long. Triggers come from unexpected places. I hate those former friends who are gossipping untruths about me. I guess they are perfect with no trauma. Wish I was perfect like them * sarcasm.
Is it possible to ever get well and get past some seriously cr*ppy trauma inflicted on me as a child and then as an adult. I feel defective and stupid. How did I get here?
ABB 😓
@amiableBlackberry92 I don't think you're defective or stupid at all but I know we can feel that way. Being abused as a child steals more then just our childhood away from us because it affects so much of adulthood. It is like a fog. It seeps and covers our brains and takes over. We can't see anything beyond it
Triggers are so hard to navigate because as you said they can come from unexpected places. Some times they even pop up in places we've been before and never had a problem with before
I'm sorry your former friends are gossiping about you. It's painful when people who were once friends lose any compassion or understanding for what we went through. It makes you feel even more alone
Is there anything that helps when it's like this? Does talking about it help? Is there a space you could make into a safe space for yourself? A sort of sanctuary? Or maybe you could make a comfort box?
* offers safe gentle hugs* ❤️
How to support people that matter to me when I'm like I am . When I'm in situations that I should be supportive and advise I stumble and get triggered. I need to be a good mom good friend good sister but I am not what they need me to be. I'm a broken person. Trying to be better but I'm not good at this. I just want to fit in ,I want to connect , I want to be there. I want to be the kind of person people want to be around. I want to be funny to be liked. I'm sorry to anyone I've not been able to support or be what they need.
I hate who I am sometimes. My past haunts . It's not made me someone people like to be around. I've always from a real young age felt defective. I don't know how to change this.
ABB
Thanks for sharing this.
I can relate to these feeling and my fogginess has been very thick lately.
sending hope that may clear some for us all.
Thank you both for the encouragement and support. It helps me so much. It helps to know I'm not alone . 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) I wanted to pop in and see how you were. I'm sorry - I know there's another thread I usually use but for the life of me I can't remember the title and with the changes they keep making - ugh
Have things eased for you at all? I understand if they didn't. This is a hard time of the year for many of us
*leaves safe gentle hugs* ❤️
Thank you @mytwistedsoul for your undying encouragement. Hugs always accepted.
I hate to do it but I need to increase my meds so I don't end up over the edge. Seriously don't want to leave my kids if I'm going over that edge. I don't want to be the trauma that changes them. They are successful and they always tell me they had the best childhood and that makes me feel better. I gave them what I didn't get. Love.
I appreciate you connecting here with me it gives me hope to keep hanging on. I hope your well .
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 It can be frustrating when we have to increase those meds - it sometimes feels like we're taking a step backwards but its really not. I'd rather you increase them then - well - as you said be the trauma that changes your kids
Its a wonderful and beautiful thing you did for your kids. Giving them that childhood that you didn't have. You gave them love then and you love them now. That's something to be proud of! In that sense you broke the cycle. It doesn't make It any easier to carry though
Is there anything we can do to help make things easier - I know it's all online here but if you think of something - please - don't be afraid to ask ok?
* sending you strength and hope* and a couple extra hugs ❤️
@amiableBlackberry92
I struggle with so many issues myself, I shave no answers or no confidence in myself to say “the right thing “. I just wanted to chime in and say you are not alone.
@Iamwhiamwhoami
Just your response is the right thing. I appreciate you thinking about me enough to post here .
It helps alot to know I'm not alone in all this that is life.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) Happy belated New year! How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
Happy new year, I hope it's a good year. I'm hanging in. I don't like this season but I'm hanging on. Looking for a good book to read. A fun book not a , Hey how do I fix myself book.
I don't think I'm fixable I'm just going to have to accept my brokenness.
I hope your finding some peace. How are you?
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you :) I'm hanging in there I guess. Oh gosh yeah - I keep thinking about taking a break from all the fix yourself books and/or videos and then I find something else and think maybe that one will be the one. It's hard to accept that brokenness. It's been so long since I've read a book for fun. I struggle with my focus and comprehension sometimes. What kind of books do you enjoy?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes my PTSD doesn't make concentration and comprehension easy to come by. I usually like teen books lol. They are light and sometimes funny. I like horse stories or dog stories lol.
I do read D. Miguel Ruiz books for self help purposes. He writes positively and that helps me.
Today I feel like all I can handle 😃 is staring at the wall 😂. Or at the rain.
I hope for peace to come to me and to you.
Thx for caring I appreciate your messages always. It helps to not feel so alone. Connection is so difficult for me , of course that's all I really want - connection.... It makes me vulnerable to bad ppl though. I'm a magnet for narcissists.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I read alot of those too :) They're usually not as long either. Have you read Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children? I really like that book. I think the author has a couple of books. I just can't remember them right now. My memory is horrible along with everything else
I watched the ceiling fan for awhile lol. It's rainy here too
Aww you're very welcome ❤️ I know what you mean about those connections. I've gotten to the point where I'm scared to keep trying to make any connections because I just end up getting hurt. I keep to myself more and more these days. Feels lonely sometimes but safer
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :) you popped into my thoughts so I popped on to your thread. The one I could find anyway - the search feature here - is Idk - works if you remember titles lol
How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
It's so nice to hear from you. I'm feeling some hope that we are on the back end of winter . I can hear birds chirping in my garden trees. I definitely have my ups and downs but the sun's shining today and that helps me .
How are you doing these days? I've seen your supportive posts around the forum.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Oh gosh the end of winter sounds wonderful! It's been a weird winter here. Not as cold or as much snow. Not that I'm complaining but some of the birds are a month early!
Those ups and downs can be so exhausting. The sun does make things seem alittle better :)
Tbh - I've been stuck in a pretty down spot. The pit of misery I call it. I'm struggling to get out of it. Thank you for asking 💙
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry about your feeling of being in the pit. I too have experienced the dark pit. That can be a scary place. I don't like to admit it but I take medication to stay out of the dark pit. When I go there I know I am in danger. Because of my PTSD I can slide down the hill real fast.
I have siblings with similar problems to mine because we all grew up the same terrible way. Sometimes I get really angry about it. It's so unfair because my past set me up to be victim to other predatory people. I swear they sniff me out. I don't like to admit it but I avoid people, I just don't trust them. My sibs aren't able to trust either. It's a very alone place to live .
My circle is so small. I sometimes find myself jealous of those lucky people who have huge circles of friends and family.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Its hard to catch yourself when the slide starts. I'm sorry you know that pit too. It's not something anyone should deal with. I'm glad medication has been helping :)
Anger is understandable. Not just because it set you up for horrible things but anger at how much was lost. Where would we be if we hadn't gone through the things we did? How different would our world be?
Trust is hard enough under normal circumstances. Predatory people seem to know how to set things up to gain trust. If you're friendly or helpful or generous. Even being honest and compassionate can draw them. It is a very alone way to live and unfortunately or fortunately depending on how its looked at being alone feels safer
*hugs to you if it's ok* 💙 Take good care of you ok?
@mytwistedsoul
I agree on all points my friend.
I just talked to my youngest sibling and we commiserated over our unfortunate childhood. He like me is trying his hardest to give his kids everything we never had. He's managed to create a wealthy existence and can afford to put his kids in more educated situations and more fun experiences to expand their independence.
We both agree that we still struggle so much . Childhood trauma never leaves you. It's stamped onto your soul and it's just so sad that you cannot no matter how hard we try get out from under it. I can feel this dark cloud hanging around me , its a shadow of my past. It will always be there.
Sorry I'm so dark today , forgive me .
ABB 💜🤗
Hugs are always welcome thank you
I agree it is stamped on our souls. It affects everything. Literally everything. How we act. How we think. How we interact with others. We spend hours upon hours in therapies asking questions that have no answers or the answers make no sense. Imagine my surprise when I realized that healing doesn't mean its gone and we can forget and move on. The wounds remain they've only scarred over but the tenderness remains. Like chronic bruising I guess. We just learn to avoid touching those sore spots
I think the fact that you and your brother broke the cycle is amazing and something to feel good about. The fact that you both choose to give your children a life and love that you never had growing up says so much about you💙
I've found it helps me heal alittle by trying to help people here. It's not much really I know but reminding them that they're not alone - reminds me that I'm not either. They help me feel - human. Even if it is just online
Spring isn't too far off. Soon we'll both be able to enjoy the flowers and birds. I'm so ready for warm temps
What keeps me going. A couple of things really. The animals that are here. The commitment made to them when they were brought home. The main one is spite. My family would love to see me quit. Then they wouldn't have to worry about how they look to anyone. They would lose that accountability that I've been holding them to. But there are days though - that if I'm honest - I'm stupid to keep trying
The no judgement here is awesome. It's nice for people to have a place that they can talk about what ever is on their minds
I'd be lost probably without the animals. Before long the deer here will have their fawns in the field and they play together. The bluebirds showed up and the geese have been coming back. So yeah come on spring!
Thank you! I'm trying
*hugs* I hope today is being kind to you 💙
I can't wait to see the hummingbirds again and butterflies. I'm really craving spring and summer
I haven't grown many herbs. I grow some garlic and mint but nothing else. The deer are great but I have to keep everything fenced or they eat it
I'm sorry to hear you had an episode. They do seem to hit out of no where. It makes it hard to figure out what set it off. And you just have to ride it out. They usually leave me shaky for hours or sometimes days afterwards. I hope you can have a peaceful weekend
Unfortunately today wasn't a very good day but it could have been worse 💙
I think that's the hardest part - the lack of motivation for anything. I've been trying to get more organized but its like I'm fighting a losing battle. I can stick with a routine for somethings but other things its like meh - who cares? Cleaning could be done better but I do it at a minimum but then I get upset with myself because I feel like I'm just being lazy
It seems bitter sweet. With them being little they were a buffer between you and the pain of the past. Then they grow into adults and the buffer if gone. That awareness - sucks. It sounds blunt but it does. I think I was better before all these memories made themselves known
To brighten your day too 💙
I'm glad you were able to get yourself out of the episode you had. I know it's not the easiest thing to do. The sun has a way of helping to ease things. Darkness is so much harder to handle in those bad times. The anxiety gets worse and the depression heavier for me at night
I have to say you and your husband must be a pretty good team together. With you both having different trauma's it would be hard navigating triggers. I'm glad you have each other
I'm glad we connected here too. It doesn't feel as lonely knowing that you and others know and understand what we're going though
I'm sorry that picture messed up the message. Tbh I wondered if I should post it because the site has been glitchy for me lately
@mytwistedsoul
Thx yes it was tricky for us to navigate our messed up backgrounds. It's still a challenge. This relationship is far from perfect. I can be over sensitive sometimes because of my low self esteem and his no filture comments don't always land on me very well.
His parenting style was the opposite of mine . I'm glad we didn't mess up our kids terribly. We did the best we could and they are managing independence and have good lives so far. Nothing's storybook but I'm happy when they are happy.
Today I'm doing a spa like self care appt which is a special gift to myself because my birthday is coming up. Although I wish I was younger than I am . I wasted so much time in a trauma state of mind--decades really. Makes it difficult to celebrate.
I see snow in my future ugh. I hope it's quick and melts quicker. I'm going to try to prepare more plants inside for when the weather warms up .
I guess I'm desperate for sun and warmth.
I've had glitchy things here too.
Tell me about your hobbies....I'm always looking for ideas to stay busy. I can't work because my PTSD gets in the way.
I hope you have sun where you are today.
ABB 💜🤗
@amiableBlackberry92 I doubt any relationship is perfect. It is hard being sensitive to things and someone who doesn't filter what they say - I can understand why it would hit hard. The fact that you're together though despite those things really says a lot about working though things
@amiableBlackberry92
The advice I’d give to somebody that’s silently struggling is, you don’t have to live that way. You don’t have to struggle in silence. You can be un-silent. You can live well with a mental health condition, as long as you open up to somebody about it, because it’s really important you share your experience with people so that you can get the help that you need
@beautyofexistence
Thank you very much for your encouraging thoughts. I love 7cups because of all the beautiful people here. I do share with my therapist and my sister knows my story. But part of my trauma was involving a grooming situation and alot of people don't understand about trauma bonding. The society we live in is very unforgiving and very judgemental especially of women who fall prey to these situations. People without childhood trauma don't understand that the horrors of childhood trauma can set a person onto another trauma ...it's difficult.
I've learned a lot in therapy about myself and why the things that happened to me affected me so badly. I learned that it wasn't my fault and that I'm not a bad person .
I still have a lot of PTSD episodes but they are not as many as before, then it was one big PTSD episode all day long and the pain was excruciating.
Thank you beauty for caring and responding.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92oh dear amiable! I went through your msg firstly "thank you for those kind words too" and yes, grooming-hmm same happened with me sigh. Anyhow, Right now i'm on a break from listening but I so badly want to talk to you. I hope we can be friends :) .. I have my high school final exams so you know how hectic this is but anyways, I want to keep in touch with you until it gets over (5th april).. You can always dm/pm me <3 we can have light convo whenver i'm available. Love you loadssss XD
@beautyofexistence
What a sweet invitation!!
Im sending positive vibes for your success in school.
💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I replied down here. I don't like that they limited the number of replies for posts *smh*
You're right they're not as much fun as they were. Well tbh birthdays were never really celebrated when I was growing up. I was sixteen before I had a birthday cake
I've tried audiobooks but I still have trouble concentrating on what they're saying. It's like the words go in and fall right back out
They say video games can help with anxiety and relaxing. There's a lot to choose from too. They help get me out of my head sometimes by making me focus on something else
It is difficult when people are upset and we want to be there for them but it's triggering. I talk with someone who lashes out and gets passive aggressive sometimes. It's triggering and I feel bad because I don't handle it well. I'm always told not to take it personally but I do - I'm not sure how not to. I end up retreating and keeping to myself more
Feeling alone is hard. Even when people say they understand - idk. They don't know what goes on in our heads. The things we experience - I mean they might have an idea but they can't fully know and it can be so hard to explain
I hope today is better for you and you can find something to help you de-stress
*Hugs* 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Yes and yes.
I really want to have friends in my real life. I have so many great people here at 7 cups and people in real life are so difficult for me. I have one person but she works and has no trauma . I feel very lucky to have her. I think I can be overwhelming for her sometimes. I don't have family relationships like she does, she's got a lot of sibs and her mom , aunt's , coworkers etc. It's easy for her to make connections.
I don't have any close aunts or sibs etc. My spouse's family is all gone so I don't have any on his side either. The way I grew up we weren't allowed to have relationships with anyone or each other ( sibs). I didn't learn the important relational teachings. Plus we sibs are triggering for each other because of our shared past.
I'm so thankful to have you and the other people here. It helps to be able to chat here and it's safe.
Maybe I need a dog lol.....
ABB 💜🤗
@amiableBlackberry92 Tbh I've tried with people but I end up messing something up and failing. Plus I seem to be a magnet for toxic people. Turns out some of us end up in relationships like that because they're familiar to childhood. Just what we don't need
@mytwistedsoul
I understand being a magnet for the wrong people. I too met people here in the beginning of my first chats here that were the wrong people. Being super vulnerable with soft boundaries or no boundaries they gravitate to me . I'm way more cautious now. Trauma doesn't help me see well....so to speak.
I cut out old toxic contacts from my old workplace too. I said too much, was too easy to trust because I was in a lot of pain and needed comfort. No more of that.
It's really sad about my sibs. I never could figure out why we weren't close until I got into therapy. Therapy is like taking a class on your life's story and explains a lot....I'm not stupid like I thought I was I'm just in a lot of trauma .
I've considered a dog but it's a big responsibility and painful when they pass. My kids both have one and I dogsit for them pretty regularly. I love these 2 dogs and I can handle one at a time. If I had one also it might be more difficult to dogsit.
The weather here has a lot to be desired ugh. I feel like a hermit. Lol.
I'm meeting up with a friend while the sun's out today. Nothing heavy but I'm trying....baby steps .
Look at me being brave leaving my sanctuary lol.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I hear you on the soft or nonexistent boundaries. I make excuses for how people act towards me sometimes - oh they're having a bad day or I did something to upset them. It's sad that even in Cups we still have to be cautious of what we say to who we say it to
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :) once again I pop into an entirely different thread then before because I can't find the other one - ugh! How are you? Are the days getting warmer in your part of the world?
@mytwistedsoul
So nice to hear from you. It is warming slowly still a bit of snow here and there but I see improvements.
I'm ok today. I have my days.
How are you? hows the weather in your world.?
I noticed you posted on tinys post -incredible her art huh? Shes a special person here.
I feel lucky when people reach out to me here like you do. I do have some friends LOL.
ABB💟
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm glad to hear that you're ok today. I know how quickly it can change. I started calling them moments and we cherish those good moments. I wish they lasted longer
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for being my friend here it means so much to me. I am so grateful for finding this site and being able to connect with so many supportive ppl here. Maybe this is my best option for connections because of my past trauma. It feels safe to me here. I like trying to support other hurting souls here too. this helps me.
How are you and how is your gardening going? I like watching the birds ......
Last week was a rough week for me. PTSD moments just show up when ever they feel like. Plus I have 100s of triggers. I try so hard to control my reactions but its so difficult. My childhood abuser still has a hold on me from the grave. My sibs too. The damage is so profound and I see it so clearly now because I've become aware. I am not in denial anymore-I liked it there.
Still waiting for warmth but I see its on its way. Snow is mostly gone here finally. Little piles here and there. I put my outdoor furniture out-trying to push warmer weather in my own weird way. LOL.
ABB💟
@amiableBlackberry92 This can be a really nice place to make some connections. They're limited of course because it's strictly on site. I find it works for me because I have control with who I interact with and how often. There are times I still feel very afraid of people
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry your struggling too. I get it though, like your said it follows like a shadow. Staying busy helps if you can focus. I have trouble with that. LOL.
I love you have a greenhouse. And strawberries growing that is the best. Berries are a superfood. I was allergic to them as a kid ( allergies were another torment I dealt with as a kid ) I still have some pretty severe allergies but I can eat berries as an adult. Yay!
Currently Im trying to put together herbs in house so I can have a mini herb garden this summer. I love Rosemary and Lavender. They smell so nice. I actually went out and got some things Ill need for my flower garden. I want to be prepared as soon as the weather cooperates. It is still so cold argh.
I have a battle with slugs. They eat all the petals off my echanacea (sp) every summer. Well I am prepared to do battle this year lol. I didn't focus on my garden so much in the past due to work and then dealing with my emotional state but I feel ready to delve into it somewhat this year.
I really enjoy the lilacs in my yard so much . I think the yellow ones are my favorite. I have quite a few in different colors that I planted years ago. I just wish they flowered all summer lol. I'm so demanding huh?
Whats your favorite flowers?
ABB💟🌸
