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amiableBlackberry92
1 328,355 M Meaningful Journey 11
PathStep 183 Compassion hearts18,941 Forum posts1,174 Forum upvotes1,650 Current upvotes1,650 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceAugust 26, 2020
Bio

Middle age Adult Female with CPTSD/MDD, ANXIETY from many traumatic experiences. Looking for support and hoping to give some support to others ..I'm an artist and enjoy using art to help me through life's bumps.💜





Recent forum posts
Ghosting
50 & Over Community / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 November 1st
...See more It's too bad ppl ghost, I feel it's just a courtesy to tell ppl your listening/ conversing with steadily that the conversation isn't working anymore and be a mature person to inform them your exiting the friendship/ support conversation, taking a break, etc. I find it in bad taste and very immature to ghost someone you've been conversing with for over a years time. It's better to explain why instead of leaving someone hanging. Especially because some of the ppl here are hurting emotionally already and ghosting can really hurt them .....be the bigger person .... It's about respect and it says a lot about the ghoster . Be courteous and kind don't ghost. Best always, ABB
Pray for my grand dog
50 & Over Community / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 December 23rd, 2023
...See more I would really appreciate it if you could say a little prayer for my grand dog whos very sick in the veterinary hospital. Any good wishes or thoughts will be appreciated. Hes the sweetest most beautiful dog and we are very sad that hes so sick. We have had a rough couple of days with him and no ones sleeping. God hears prayers so if everyone says a little something that would be great.  Appreciate the support  thank you  ABB
Finding true connection seems impossible*trigger warning
Trauma Support / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 September 24th, 2023
...See more Heartless abuse of my heart. Humans are consistently disappointing. I feel I am a magnet for the worst of humans to come into my life pretending to care for me. Then once I'm in their trap they use and abuse me then throw me away when they've gotten what they wanted. I'm such a vulnerable trauma victim I'm an easy f#$##@ target for these @s$h0les. I can thank my abusive father for breaking my spirit so very young and brainwashing me into believing I'm a worthless person. Not one scrap of love or approval from him just set me up for a lifetime of accepting abuse from other predators. Emotional and physical abuse poured down on me and my siblings. PTSD following me... This allowed so many to hurt me. I don't want to feel this empty hollow of pain from my inability to connect with good ppl. To find real love and care from a partner. To have a safe loving connection with another. Not to find myself in a narcissistic relationship. Love is the one thing I have looked for and can never find. I find myself in complete despair and utter hopelessness. I will leave here someday without real love. It's so completely sad. The pain never goes away. Chester Benningtons song " Lost" speaks clearly to this kind of pain. Healing seems impossible. Craving connection and unable to find it. Maybe it's me I can't trust especially after numerous attempts at connection only to be burned deeply . I feel so alone and desperate. ABB
Facing feeling alone in a relationship
Depression Support / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 September 11th, 2023
...See more I feel so alone in this relationship. I have been married to my partner for a very long time and I have come to the realization that he's narcissistic and all these years I have been trying to connect with him I thought was my fault because I have a trauma background. Its impossible to connect with a narcissist because they only see themselves inside of their perspective. I've been in therapy quite awhile trying to repair the damage incurred as a child. I am kicking myself for being in denial about this relationship for so long. Now I feel stuck, for many reasons. Now hes got a major health problem going on and its exacerbated his negative behaviors which are very triggering for me because of my background.... I am struggling to deal with my incredible aloneness. I know I am not alone in my struggles but I am losing hope to find a shred of happiness in my life. I badly want to have a emotionally connected relationship with a partner. One that is fulfilling and we can lean on eachother and have some fun together. Winter will be here soon and that will make things even more difficult stuck inside and it gets so dark here so early .....I worry how I am going to do this. Hopeless in New England ABB💜
I don't understand this.... ( Possible trigger warning)
Trauma Support / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 July 19th, 2023
...See more Why did my parent treat all us kids so terribly.( Yes a rhetorical question). Made us feel like we were less than human. The pets got better treatment. When he interacted with friends , neighbors or co -workers he was like a different person - a nice person- one we never saw. I know he was an abusive narcissist now that I'm in therapy but why would you treat your own kids like dirt and hate them, physically and emotionally abuse them. Making them feel defective...It's made our adult lives really rough and lonely. It made all of us extremely vulnerable as adults to other predatory people. And it divided us and made it near impossible to have a healthy/any relationship with each other. So much was stolen that we struggle with . Looking always looking for love, but it's elusive... Struggling still, ABB
Making friends
50 & Over Community / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 April 21st, 2023
...See more At this stage I am trying to make a couple of friends and what a struggle. I come from a really traumatic background and I was full of fear and avoided connecting with people My whole life. My experience with people has been really painful. . I had a long time job and had a ton of co workers but all that went away when I left. I recently tried to connect with a former coworker only to discover she's got early onset dementia. 😔 I do have activities and get out every day but I'm paying dearly for my fearful avoidant behavior. I guess I'm feeling alone lately. Thx for reading ABB 💜
Fearful avoidant attachment
Trauma Support / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 March 23rd, 2023
...See more I discovered my attachment style, fearful avoidant. It explains so so much . I am researching ways to trust and get past this so I can connect with people. This style is one of the rarer types caused by an abusive childhood. I desperately want deep connection all of my life but never could find it. It's taken me decades to even become aware of my issues. As painful as this is I am trying to fix this. Opening up about my feelings and needs is incredibly difficult as I was never taught that this was okay to do. I had not realized that this was my problem not the people around me. I have been burned so many times by predatory type people over the years. I'm still learning and I'm scared . This is so difficult to overcome. My siblings are dealing with this same attachment style problem. It is a grieving process realizing I've missed out on so much because of my deep self protection actions. I didn't even realize what I was doing ..... Wow more challenges to get through, hope I can do it. I have been through so many already. ABB 💜
Am I selfish?
50 & Over Community / by amiableBlackberry92
Last post
 April 22nd, 2023
...See more just posting a thought: I feel selfish sometimes when I think about this almost 40 year relationship. I am the self sacrificing type unfortunately. I made sure my spouse had everything he needed for a longtime , now in therapy I realize due to my extremely traumatic past I did this as a protection tactic. I have also realized that I am so stupid to sacrifice all my needs for his. I was doing all this in fear -not of him - he's a decent albeit self centered person. So this being said I am trying to communicate what I need in this relationship for 3 years now and to no avail. He just doesn't hear me. I feel in some way I laid the grounds for this relationship so long ago that he thinks this is normal and its all about him. I think he is just being himself but is unaware of his selfish tendencies. I feel I am selfish to want other things from this relationship because I let it be the way it was for so long. Almost like I lied ( not on purpose -out of fear) about myself for so long that he's confused by my sudden changes. I want more, need more and I'm not getting it no matter how I ask. I suppose he just can't be something this new me, the real me needs. I suppose I care about him and this relationship because I'm still here. I feel I've exhausted myself trying to communicate to him that I need more from this relationship. Its so frustrating. Maybe I just need to commit this struggle to God and hope he can open a path for me so I know what to do. Still in therapy likely for the rest of my life because I have been so conditioned by my abuser as a young person and continued to use that conditioning to guide me through my life. I am trying to recreate new pathways in my brain so as to overcome all that robotic conditioning I endured and followed to survive . I want more from my life and trying all new things I am capable of to achieve some contentedness. ABB
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