Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

So the therapist discharged me. My case is too "severe" and "complex" for them to treat. I have an assessment in 10 days, just trying to hold on until then. They may move it forward. I hope they do. Todays been a bad day.

My will arrived, then I realised I had to get two witnesses and my mental state could be contested. Especially as I have been on medical records struggling with this stuff. Honestly this wouldn't be such an issue if I was okay with my parents being the executors of my will. But I am not. My partners mum is one of the few adults I trust to respect what I have written. This has thrown me quite a bit. I feel too guilty leaving everything as a mess, I need to make sure the people who need it get it, not just my parents deciding and ignoring it. Okay I'll end that likely dark train of thought there.

I feel like a mess. Memories and flashbacks are like ... teasing. I can feel them right there, but not quite. My asthma has been playing up and my throat feels. Full. I hate it. I am not ill its just everything. Hate how I couldn't see it. Wouldn't see it. The nightmares, the stomach problems, the anxiety, the fear, the constant tonsilitis. Everything today is just too much. Way too much. I just want to shut down completely. My body is shouting "Something bad happened, something really really bad happened" while my brain keeps responding with "Shut up, we're not ready. Leave us alone, we don't want to know".

Wasn't able to work today. My heads just too broken. Ended up calling the mental health team again because I was really struggling. They gave me an assessment today but the basic summary is again I just have to wait. People keep asking me what I want like I should know. I need some help. If it wasn't for covid I think I would have gone in and asked to be inpatient. My head is scaring me. Its so out of control.

They asked me why I hadn't done anything if I was suicidal. I said I didn't want to and was interupted before I could go any further. They are like UHAH! Another one. Its just like, you really don't get this stuation. Sure I'm struggling but no I don't want to. However something/one inside me is utterly determined I should. I am just so frustrated. All I can do is wait. Wait to see how long I can keep fighting. What happens when I can't fight it anymore. I can feel myself struggling so much, I don't want to lose myself to the cold take over. Where I feel I have to physically stop myself.

The assessment person said they want me to see a psychiatrist but the waiting lists here are very long. I am looking at weeks/a month minimum. And god knows what help they could give me. Likely just going to stick a bunch of labels on me and leave me at that. Yay. Then they mentioned the EMDR again, which is good. But as I am a "complex" case they need to discuss it with some kinda board or something and thats not until next week and it will likely be weeks/months until that starts as well.

Honestly. I don't know what I want. Its all just so much. Its all feelings. Honestly I've likely been in another emotional flashback since yesterday which is why everything feels so very unmanagable. I wish I could eat and enjoy food. I can't remember the last time I ate something because I wanted to, not just because my partner has made me.

The worst thing about all of this. I am significantly depressed, I am struggling mentally and its impacting my relationship. I am becoming my dad. I know thats not true. But its such a huge trigger for me. He was so abusive and his untreated depression caused us so much pain. I know unlike him I am looking for help, I am literally begging people for help. I am doing things and I am really trying. But I feel like such a failure right now. I never wanted to be anything like him. It makes me feel sick. Why do parents pass on their legacy, even when you try your hardest to fight it.

Everything feels too much. Its like existance is scraping at my skin. I have no idea how to cope with what is going on in my head. Its all just too much.

Yo. I've had a sandwich day. The beginning and end have been kinda s*** however the middle was acualy okay. I managed to not call any crisis lines today. Which I am proud of. I'm waiting till 12am so I can ;) lol. Maybe not quite but feels close right now. No work again today. Hoping to get to work tomorrow, though honestly I have no idea if I am going to be able to. Its scaring me. I have no idea when I am going to be able to work full time again. My brain is just breaking repeatedly.

I talked with my partner yesterday. Told him some stuff I haven't told anyone. I told him some other stuff I hadn't told anyone but the online world. He was so... patient. And sympathetic. And just amazing. He didn't judge me at all, didn't think I was crazy. Thought DID or DDNOS made total sense. It was really validating to talk to someone who knows me really well who just... accepted it and didn't disagree or fight with me. I told him stuff in my head wants me gone (though its quieter today) and it scared him but hes doing well. I told him that if he needs a break he can go to his parents for a bit, though he half joked he didn't wanna leave me on my own, so he would drag me to his parents and leave me in the corner or something :'). He knows I've given him permission to talk to a friend he trusts about this as I know dealing with these situations is so hard and you don't want to betray his trust. We've also discussed breaking up if thats what needs to happen. We both don't want to, but have also both been badly damanged by people with severe mental health issues before and I think its good to be aware of how bad it can get.

I'm still struggling, and I am going to be struggling for a while. This isn't just magically going away. I've just gotta work out how to survive the experiance. Gotta hope I get there somehow.

@Lilibuth12 Hey - I hope you don't mind - I ran across your journal here earlier and I wanted to say something but sometimes I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone. You have some much written that I relate to. So much is so similar to my own twisted tale. That inner turmoil - Just trying to make sense of all the thoughts and emotions - the influence from the others. The things that pop up that you have no memory of yourself - allmost as if you're living in someone elses dream - or nightmare really. The time loss - and memory issues - it's so hard sometimes - just the whole thing is hard. But - BUT - it can get better - it can get to where it's manageable. At least that's what my therapist tells me anyway - and well - I guess in alot of ways it has gotten better in some ways. Communication is really important but it can be hard to get it going at times and of course building some trust but there again - that can be hard too. Especially when alot of parts don't have much or any trust to begin with. It takes time - it all takes time - which - you get tired of the time it takes and just want to get on with your life

Idk - I know this probably isn't much in the way of help for you - I do understand. I understand the fear and frustration - the feeling of being alone and how hard it can be for other people to understand the war that can be waging inside our heads. I just wanted to give you alittle hope - it can get to where you can manage and still have a life

I hope you get in soon to see a psychiatrist and they can come up with something that can help you and the others. There's some pretty cool people here that understand alittle better then most and even some listeners that are accepting - allthough I haven't tried any of those myself

Sorry this got long

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

The desire to self destruct is overwhelming. Called one crisis line and texted another. its not getting through to my brain. I should not have drunk anything tonight. But I just want to... sink. Started biting myself. Want to just do everything. Self harm, drink, misuse drugs, break up with my partner, break everything around me. I've been exercising iron will for so long and part of me just can feel the strings snapping. Its so odd being able to watch. Self harm hasn't even bought me back to myself ahahhaha. I am freaking doomed.

I had a good day today and well that appears to be the trigger. I shouldn't be allowed good days. What am I doing, managing work? Who the hell do you think you are? Someone functional? No. Your not. Your a mess of a human being who isn't allowed to get better. You have to keep getting worse like you know you are. Your never going to be anything. Your garbage. You thought you mattered? Ahahah. Thats funny. Your worthless and you don't deserve success. I'm going to remind you thats what you are. Your disgusting and naieve. Remember that.

Going to leave that there so you know how my head is right now dear journal. That is my brain right now. Pretty ain't it. I just want to rip myself appart.

I did some work today. I was helpful. My whole day has been actively blocking out the memories. Trying to get on with life. But apparently with the memories blocked the self hatred steps in. Gotta remind yourself who you really are after all. Your not real. You died already. Why are you even trying. But the memories were not totally blocked were they. No they were not. No we stil can't wear even the lovely neckless our partner bought us. Because all we can feel is something stuck down our throat. And its happened so many times we can't even work out what flashback its from. It just lives there. Hands around our throat, **** down our throat. "I thought you liked it", "She said she liked it", "You know you wanted it", "Your my good little girl arn't you". I feel sick. My mind is full of vitriol tonight.

Sorry this is a confused mess of parts and host and thoughts and flashbacks. None of this likely makes sense and it doesn't make sense to me either. This post isn't pretty, but my brain ain't either.

10mins and I've survived another day. Slept though alot of this one. Just want to cease to exist.

Attempted suicide yesterday. Abet badly (hense my continued existance). I think I thought I would scare myself out of the idea, but its not working. Called the crisis line after it failed and sat in the dark in a park drinking beer for an hour in the freezing cold. I just told the crisis line people I was in a field on my own and suicidal, they were like "if you don't go home now we will call the police". So I went home. They called me again and thats it. I fell asleep.

I barely remember most of it now, the voice in my head won for a bit. It was so happy. After I failed it told me not to worry. We would try again. Its growning stronger and at this point I am not sure if I am letting it.

I shouldn't even be posting this stuff here. I haven't told my partner. I didn't tell the crisis line what I did. The only people who know are Samaritans and they don't even know who I am. They were nice to talk to though. I mean they didn't get through to my but they are just good people on those lines.

I've slept all day to try and quiet the voice in my head. Its not really working but I am trying. I may be leaving scared and going into acceptance. Part of me is screaming this is an emergency and another part of me just doesn't care. I can never convince myself its "bad enough". I mean I'm still alive arn't I?

Omg though, small bit of feeling here. Talking to the crisis line lady and shes like "what about your partner" and I said "hes upstairs playing video games, he likely hasn't even noticed I'm gone" and she responded "Is that why you were out, because you feel like hes ignoring you". Not to say small things can't tip people over or anything, but thats just so belittling. I have ***ing people in my head, flashbacks, dissociation and horrific new memories that turned up a few weeks ago. I am sorry but I am 26. Goddamnit. I feel like a child sometimes on these lines. I am trying to explain here this is not something small yet noone gets it. Yet I keep trying because some small childish part of me just wants a voice down the end of a line to say they don't want my existance to end.

Welp I am still typing here and thats a win.

Numb today. Managed to "work" though after 2 hours of video calls I just shut down and slept. Everything feels like a huge amount of effort at the moment. My partner thinks its a great success that I worked today, and maybe I should see it as such but really all thats changed is I am not crying constantly anymore. Maybe that the SSRI's. Its like I feel like nothing. But everything that was in my head is still there. Its not like anythings really changed. The reasons for everything still exist. I don't think people understand that some people are suicidal for reasons other that emotional distress. Plus just because I can't exactly feel them doesn't mean they have gone away. Instead it lives in my throat, in my chest, in my stomach, in my neck, in my shoulders, in my legs. In other parts. Its just something else I have lost the ability to express.

I am struggling to find any desire to save myself. My natural instinct has always been fight. Yes I also regularly do flight, freeze and fawn. But my oldest instinct is to fight. Even if its in oddly backwards ways. Its to find a way out even if theres nothing else left. But you know what. I've fought for so long. I've fought for this life, I have fought for my job, for my house, for my partner, for my pets. But no amount of fighting seems to save my mental health. I am just done. I've fought my entire life. I am bored of being strong. Exhausted of being the one making everything alright.

My father called yesterday, I ignored it. I am terrified of what I am going to do. I need to talk to him on the phone without flashbacks or hes going to get offended and make my mum suffer. He also has a tendancy to just "turn up" because hes worried. Or he says hes worried. Really he wants to make himself feel good. If you told him no he would get offended and make it about himself again. So yeh. I've got to somehow stomach a call with my father after the flashbacks I've had. Honestly its part of the temptation of putting myself into a mental ward. I could ban him from seeing me and dear god would that be good. Someone else can protect me for once. They can fight him.

I wish someone could protect me. I just want to feel protected. But noones ever protected me so why should I hope for that now. Its a pipedream. Your an adult luv. Not that that makes any difference. You've always been on your own. Not like thats going to change now.

Today has likely been the best day I've had in a while. I am still dissociated and pretty numb but its not been impacting me as much. Finding work really hard and I am struggling with it but atleast I have done it, despite awful nightmares last night and not much sleep. So thats a pretty huge win. Also managed to watch TV and like... watch it. Which is really exciting because its been quite a long time.

Still struggling alot with the suicidal thoughts which is confusing me. Its like... my head is stuck. And I self harmed yesterday again. Still can't wear the neckless I've always worn from my partner which makes me sad, but anything around my throat makes me so panicky still. Been very anxious, but I am more familiar with that. Its not quite the same as the sleep all day feeling. Maybe I will get some decient sleep tonight? Seems hopeful.

Participated in the trauma and anger workshop today. It was surprisingly triggering (though I mean looking back on it I am not surprised). Pleased I did it though, feel it gave me some stuff to think about and it was really interesting to read everyone elses responses.

I ate more today. I don't like that made me panicky. I know its bad old habits but now I've been eating so little eating even close to normal amounts feels too much and my brains freaking out. Eating disorders are always there waiting for you when your struggling with life, ready to trap you again. It's very tempting.

Honestly, I am bored of talking and thinking about myself. Its so boring.

One interesting thing, I think I am going to try and report my ex boss for multiple accounts of sexual assault and rape as well as physical assault and emotional abuse. He tortured me for a year, and though I am not brave enough to make a formal one, and don't have enough evidence I want to atleast make a note, so that maybe someone at some stage can build a case. I am looking at setting up a chat with an ISVA, but I may just take it straight to the police. I am undecided. I feel impulsive and angry right now.

Oh also realised I cannot tell my best friend about this recent stuff because she can't keep her mouth shut... No offense to her, but she is not someone you tell secrets lol. Atleast not secrets this serious. So that kinda sucks.