PTSD Diary
So its day 2 on my journey after being diagnosed with PTSD.
I had traumatic experiences as a child, the big one being losing my Mum & after that my Dad was in a series of toxic relationships where I feared for my life.
It's 10:22 & I haven't done much in the way of work yet, but I will.
I am getting used to what triggers me & trying to challenge the thoughts!
My Dad seems to think that I am his advisor & counsellor & have been since I was 11. He asked for my advice on a situation on Monday & I said I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me since then.
I forgot to mention we work together so speaking is a daily occurence.
Whenever I see something that's from around 2008 it makes me want to go back there & relive the past 10 years, all of which have been a blur!
I have meditated & I am going to get on with my work in the most professional way.
Just for today I will be strong.
So its day 3 and I'm pretty upset.
I am in my office & have just had a big argument with my Dad. I told him that I got diagnosed with PTSD & somehow the conversation ended in an argument.
All I want is to have a reasonable discussion with my Dad without him playing the victim or the persecutor. My Gran left him a 'shitty' voicemail over the weekend & he's asked for my advice on what to do. I honestly don't know. I feel exasperated. It isn't my place to advise him on this situation. I lost my temper which I hate doing! I just get really upset.
This is a big trigger for me because I've advised him on all his relationships since my Mum died. One of his girlfriends made me fear for my life, she threatened to drive the car into the house and did all kinds of wild things!
He seems to think I 'don't have his back' which is insulting considering I've been there for him through thick & thin & not uttered a word about the toxicity of his relationships to my family.
I've drove him round the country because he has a driving phobia & been his shoulder to cry on for 13 years. I don't want to throw all this in his face but they are the facts. I need to face up to this NOW, or I run the risk of too much time disassociating from my emotions.
He says that he ended them relationships for me but that just makes me feel guilty, the relationships were violent & abusive. I am trying to plot a way forward and just getting kicked off the only parent I have left.
Part of me thinks I am better off without my Dad in my life & I really lost 2 parents when my Mum died. I understand that he went through the traumatic experience as well but that doesn't excuse what he's done. He thinks I don't have his back, yet the emotional abuse I had as a child is the definition of 'not having someones back'.
All the innappropriate comments to my friends are 'not having someones back.'
Just being financially stable isn't provided a loving nurturing home. Now we aren't financially stable & my Dad seems to think its all on him.
I need to focus on work or I run the risk of losing 2 businesses & going bankrupt, which is the last thing I want!
I need to build the business for me & ignore the surrounding noise. I am going to take a walk after this to calm down.
I know that falling into an argument isn't the right thing to do. I also know I haven't been perfect. I know I haven't focused on work as much as I could have done. I know I had a gambling problem that was hard to deal with.
I'm not seeking to place blame on him, I'm just looking to plot a way forward. I must be respected.
Going forward I cannot tolerate him talking about his relationships.
I cannot tolerate being put in the middle of familial disputes.
I am my own person, I am not dependent on him! He should not be dependent on me!
I am strong, I will live for today & make sure I don't lapse back into negative thought patterns.
I need to look at the argument we had for what it is, narcissitic drivel.
Onwards & upwards, this is all part of the journey.
@crimsonTalker6672 Im sorry to hear that things with your dad are so distressing. I am also having to learn what and where to set boundaries with my family to prevent triggers and dissociating. Albeit I have a lot more distance between my parents and myself and do not need to interact with them so closely. For myself, I have found that I need to be really clear with myself on what my basic core needs are regarding maslows hierarchy of needs ie: safety, shelter, etc and then flesh that out as to how that applies concretely to my life. Then I am more able to figure out how and where I need to set boundaries with people.
I guess I like to think of this in terms of my job: if my job role is not clearly defined- I end up trying to do too much for my patients and clients because they ask it of me or I just feel or see the need. If my role is clearly defined then it is much easier to set boundaries for myself about when to say no, both to myself mentally as well as to others. I would end up being overworked , burnt out and no good to anyone professionally otherwise.
This is has helped me to frame it in this way although I still havent figured out exactly where I need to set boundaries with my family. Im still working on it.
I dont know if this helps at all.....?
@purpleWest8143 Thanks, it certainly does, I am learning to express myself clearly & calmly.
I lost my temper with my Dad & it made me feel guilty! Later on I expressed myself clearly & it seems to have helped the situation.
I am looking at facts & what I need to do to cope, rather than opinions.
I know what you mean about helping clients, I do that a lot I make a deal then up doing 5 times more work for no more money! I then sulk about it even though I had the option to say NO.
@crimsonTalker6672 and we shouldnt feel bad or guilty about saying no either 😉 we have every right to practise self care by saying no to things.
Day 4:
I feel a lot better today. After the argument with my Dad we had an adult discussion. I felt guilty for losing my temper but I've let it go.
There are a lot of triggers around work & more specifically working with my Dad. I know that if I leave it will help the issue but it won't cure the cause.
My Dad is lonely & has been since my Mum died. That doesn't make it appropriate to:
1: Have a toxic & abusive relationship, regardless of whether you have a kid or not.
2: Discuss this relationship in depth with your child.
He is on his own journey & I can respect that. He said one thing yesterday that I found interesting. He said 'I ended the relationships eventually because I had you.' in a weird way that makes me feel guilty!
He shouldn't end the relationships because of me. It is fallacious thinking and most definately not true. The relationships were toxic, that is why they ended!
I need to be OK for myself & I need to keep that in mind. That is the best way to support my Dad. It is the same for him as well, he needs to be OK for himself, not for a relationship or to make me happy.
In some ways I feel as though I'm keeping my Dad together, which isn't right! On the one hand I know that being involved in his relationships isn't right, on the other hand I wonder what would happen if I wasn't involved in his life. It is tough, because I think this is the trigger my mind is fighting. I need to change my way of thinking.
I need to build a life for myself, for me!
I do feel good today, I feel more relaxed in general through meditiation and checking my feelings. I woke up anxious in the morning & didn't have the best nights sleep, has anyone got any tips that have worked for them on how to get a peaceful nights sleep?
@crimsonTalker6672
I have trouble sleeping. I use an eye mask, ear plugs, and a lavender/chamomile spray on my pillow every night.
I avoid caffeine, especially in the evening. I dont watch TV in bed. I use red toned lights in the evening including a red filter on my phone.
Often breathing exercises help me fall asleep.
If Im having a hard time falling asleep, I sit in the bathroom with the light on for a few minutes then lay back down. The shock of light to dark helps. Plus if I lay in bed for too long tension builds up and getting out of bed and then back in helps me start relaxing again.
Also ... if I can see the clock it stresses me that Im not sleeping. I try to avoid the clock.
I hope one of those things sounds doable and might help.
@crimsonTalker6672 Ive gotten into habit of watching slow dramas in bed before sleep years ago to turn my thoughts off.
This last year though, Ive started listening to guided meditation with my 12 year old when putting her to bed as she struggles with anxiety and I found I was often falling asleep! Our favourite so far is Jason Stephensons guided meditations on YouTube - I find his voice very soothing and calming. Ive also started using essential oils in a diffuser beside my bed as a rule every night and find this helps relax me a little. Its a battle between letting go of the thoughts as well as getting the nervous system to release for me.
Day 4-5-6
Thanks guys, I bought something called 'sleepy' from Lush a while back & I think I need to use it consistently. It's a lavender based cream that is meant to help you sleep!
I went to the therapist today & he said he thinks that anxiety is the issue more so than a lack of sleep! He said I'm probably draining myself by getting worked up in the day!
I love the headspace app for meditation, its the best 10 a month I've ever spent! I'll check out Jason Stephenson as well & crack him on before I go to sleep :)
I had an ok weekend. I got up early on both days & walked my dogs which I enjoyed. I went for a meal with family & realized how negative they can be! I think looking back that could be a factor into why I've related to traumatic events so negatively. I watched too much TV on Sunday & wasted the day. I feel frustrated that I did that yesterday as I could have read & ran some errands. The least I could have done is planned the week & this morning. On the plus side I meditated over the weekend which I don't usually do!
I didn't plan & ended up rushing around to get to therapy!
I'm having some quite frank discussions with my Dad. One thing he says is "Well, I ended the toxic relationships for you!" This makes me feel incredibly guilty & makes me want to run away from my emotions.
He needs to go his own way on his own journey & me too with mine!
I have been a lot more focused on the now in the past week & it is great on the whole.
@crimsonTalker6672 I hope its ok that Im now checking into your diary daily. Theres something in your posts that reminds me of myself although our experiences are different, it sounds a little as though we process similarly in our thought patterns. Ive been reading
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and he talks about how our family upbringing can set the tone for our resiliency to face traumatic experiences. Basically, it will impact how we process an event in the moment and following. Ive also been taking an online course on trauma for professionals and it talked about how having disorganized attachments with our caregivers increases our chances of developing PTSD when faced with traumatic experiences as we cant organize the info to process in the moment and our system gets overloaded. This theory made a lot of sense to me.
My mother also has a lot of trauma in her background - she does not try to talk to me about it but projects so many unhealthy behaviors onto me and its draining. Ive tried encouraging her to get support for herself but shes in utter denial that theres a problem and wants to only think about positive things she says. Ive come to realize I️can only control what I️ do and learn to speak up for my needs and set boundaries around this. So if what shes doing is draining for me or causing me anxiety try to kindly just say what I️ actually need ie. I️ need to do this on my own today but
Day 7!
Its been a week since my diagnosis with PTSD & on the whole it's been very positive. I've set a plan up of what I want to do & I've notice a lot of triggers that I didn't expect to!
I must admit this journey is humbling. I've been quite a bit of a 'know-it-all-tough-guy'. For me to admit that I've struggled is a big thing. I still feel the strong urge to disassociate from my emotions.
The past 2 nights I've done nothing but binge watch sit-coms, which isn't good. It's all i've really done for the past few years & I need to break the cycle by busying my life with productive & social things.
Even though my traumatic experiences were the better part of 10 years ago, I feel as though they were yesterday.
I am thinking of going to my local buddhist centre to do some transcendental meditation. I haven't truly focused on anything since I was 11 years old, so I need to blast the symptoms with everything I've got!
Life is frustrating me the past couple of days. I think my tolerance to stress is really low. I've gone from feeling great on Monday & some of Tuesday to not so great today!
My phone has broke & I need to get it sorted, it is becoming a bigger decision than it should be! I have wasted time & this frustrates me.
My girlfriend is off ill & being very needy, I'm scared to not cater to her every whim. It's probably something to do with me being scared of confrontation in a relationship.
I feel frustrated with it! I feel the expectation to finish work early. It isn't my fault she is ill & I shouldn't feel pressured into clocking off early to satisfy her needs, it isn't fair.
I need to stand up to this behaviour, because left unchecked it sends me on a downward spiral. I've disassociated into my own thoughts today. I feel irritable. I need to stand up for myself.
It's all good & well blaming my girlfriend, but at the end of the day I'm enabling that behaviour. I feel annoyed today! I haven't meditated today or been to the gym all week!
I can rant or I can take action in the right way!
So it's day 11 on my journey & I've had things put in perspective.
My Gran fell ill yesterday & I had to rush her to the hospital. I had to take the day off work to watch her & thankfully all is relatively ok now. She has drank a lot since my Grandad passed & her kidneys are struggling. I hope this is the wake up call she needs to change her lifestyle!
Family members being ill has a lot of triggers for me, as I've lost people in sudden, traumatic circumstances! With all the work I've done lately I was able to manage them well. I was able to identify the illogical thoughts & feelings. (My Gran is going to drop dead & I'm terrified.)
That being said it made me realize that I'm blowing a lot of situations out of proportion at work. Maybe it's a distraction from how I really feel.
I've womanized, I've binge drank a lot & I've gambled. Now I'm not doing any of them I think I'm making small issues big to distract myself from my feelings, which I don't know, because I've always avoided them!
Why am I sabotaging my business?
The deeper question is why am I sabotaging my happiness/success in life?
Do I feel as though nothing is permanent? Am I scared of success? Do I feel as though I don't deserve it? Is it the limiting mindset that my Grandparents have?
Is it all of the above?
I've not been happy for as long as I can remember. Maybe I've felt misunderstood & that I've had no support. That I'm all alone after my Mum died & I wont ever have anyone to share my success with. Relationships are temporary, not permanent. I learnt that from my Dad after my Mum died. I can't blame him, because it's my perspective of the situation thats causing my problems.
Infact I've learnt that life is permanent, so why bother planning long term? I know this is illogical, but feelings aren't logical. Maybe as long as I've got some money in my pocket to fulfill my current urges, I've been satisfied. Not happy, satisfied.
I'm mentally planning long term, but my actions are always focused around short term gratification. The physical needs to reflect my mental planning.
That doesn't mean I shouldn't be in the now, that means I should be acting in the now whilst fulfilling my long term goals.
Today is going to be a good day, hope it is for all of you too!
So it's day 14 on my journey, time flies!
It's been up & down so far, with me fighting my own mind & to be honest, I'm exhausted. I struggle processing my emotions & try to look solely into the future, seeing great things ahead, when really I should be in the now!
I was thinking of mentally starting at day 1 again, but I've got to accept that I can learn something from failure & take it on as part of me. I know my exhaustion is mental. I haven't focused this much for a long time. I am learning about myself every day & have done a lot more reading. I need to sort my diet out, I am comfort eating because my Gran is in hospital. I am having junk food most days, which isn't good!
I think I am tired because I am aware. I am not letting my emotions take over all the time & I am standing up for myself for the first time ever!
I have disassociated a few times, but significantly less than I would normally. I am meditating daily & have started training to do a marathon next year.
I am thinking a lot less about the traumatic events of my past & trying to focus on what I can build.
I am going to:
1: Change my standards in what I expect of others & myself.
2: Identify & eliminate any self limiting beliefs.
3: Change my strategy until I reach the desired outcome.
I still feel down quite a lot and that needs to change! I understand that happiness is a state of mind & I think that controlling my emotions is key to this. I feel stressed & then I over invest in the emotion.
This week I'm looking forward to getting some positive work done on my new projects & managing people properly!
@crimsonTalker6672
You're doing great! What you see as failure is really a learning opportunity, no need to restart. You're setting great goals, ones that you can mend to fit however things turn out. You can reach them in several ways, which is good! Good luck on your projects, I know you can do this.
Sorry to hear about Gran, wishing you both the best.
@crimsonTalker6672 if this helps, Ive tried to keep the thought in mind that blips and what feels like setbacks emotionally, arent failures but are actually a natural part of the learning and healing in this journey. Ive at times thought that yes it feels depressing, overwhelming, exhausting etc. But Im taking the time to really look at how my body reacts to things, my thoughts, understand the purpose for that and decide what I need to do based on all of this. This process all takes an insane Amt of time and energy and for those of us that have learned to dismiss/suppress our feelings/ emotions and ended up dissociating in the past to cope - this will take time to unlearn. Im trying my best to embrace the discomfort because it means Im making progress. If Im FEELING things, however big and overwhelming, it is better than checking out. The more I feel, the more Im learning about myself. That being said though.... Im not working right now and I know you are, so I do have a bit more space and time to be throwing all of my energies into this process. You are doing great though! Dont think about it as failures! Please think about it as all being chances to learn more 😉
Hi everyone... I know I said I would keep posting here but I didn't have the heart to... turns out it's harder to publicly share your pain... can't say I'm surprised.... anyway if any listener here knows what ptsd is, and how it affects people, not just the logic but the emotional stuff to... please drop me a message, only if your female please.... it would be really nice to talk to someone who actually understands, thank you, and I've actually been doing a alittle better, I'm far from moved on..... but, I'm a step closer, and that's what counts, those small steps people never notice... there pretty big for me.... thank you for reading, take care x
Thanks for all the replies guys!
For a long time I felt like it was just me who disassociates from my emotions, I felt as if there was something wrong with me mentally & I couldn't talk to anyone.
I now understand what it is & why I do it. Since I took away the vices that I had (Gambling, drinking, womanizing.) My disassociating has only gotten worse.
I confused myself, a lot of problems went away because I stopped my vices, but these problems were exclusive TO THE VICES. I didn't understand the underlying problem.
I am reading Tony Robbins, Awaken the giant within at the moment & it is very good, each chapter is insightful in its own way.
I am making a lot of progress mentally. Work is getting better. I feel better on the whole, but I still have my moments, mainly when I'm alone.
Because I've been away with the fairies for a long time, other people have set the expectations, boundaries & dynamics in how I interact with them. This is something I need to change.
Example: My Dad believes his work is the most important to the company & I should help him in completing his work. I should basically spend my time enabling him to work.
The fact is that although his work has more stringent deadlines from a client facing point of view, my work in developing new products & delivering them to the market is going to be what delivers long term prosperity.
I have no strict deadline other than my own pressure, which needs to be far greater than it is!
Yesterday was terrible, my Dad & his girlfriend are on the verge of splitting up. He still talks about it, just not as much. It makes me feel awful. It is the biggest trigger that I have. I've got no work done today.
I don't need him to like not speaking about his relationships, but I need him to respect it. I can't go on working with him if he's going to do this. A normal person would shrug it off, but I can't.
Already my eczema on my face has started coming back, I had a terrible nights sleep & woke up feeling anxious. I've been spaced out for most of the day.
To be honest it feels good to get this off my chest, but I need to speak to him.
I feel disrespected. He knows I have been diagnosed with PTSD & knows that conflict in his relationships is a trigger, yet he still does it. I need to stand up for myself & express how I'm feeling.
When he knows that this is tough for me & he still does it, he crosses the line into it being his fault. Especially considering that I'm currently going through treatment.
What stops me from putting my foot down is the fear of losing my Dad. I feel as though if I leave him to it, he won't cope. He's said many times that I held him together after my Mum died.
I just feel as though this is unfair.
The thing is I start feeling really stressed yesterday & I can't put my finger on why. I start ranting about work & making problems where there aren't any.
He has a driving phobia, which I don't understand, yet I respect it, don't chastise him for it & want him to get better.
That is what I need from him, or I will walk!
I feel a mixture of upset, angry & frustrated. I find it hard to tell him how I'm feeling incase he gets upset.