PTSD Diary

@crimsonTalker6672

Im so sorry to hear that. Remember... a job is just a job. It might be easier on you if you were able to put some space and boundaries between your father and you.

So its day 3 and I'm pretty upset.

I am in my office & have just had a big argument with my Dad. I told him that I got diagnosed with PTSD & somehow the conversation ended in an argument.

All I want is to have a reasonable discussion with my Dad without him playing the victim or the persecutor. My Gran left him a 'shitty' voicemail over the weekend & he's asked for my advice on what to do. I honestly don't know. I feel exasperated. It isn't my place to advise him on this situation. I lost my temper which I hate doing! I just get really upset.

This is a big trigger for me because I've advised him on all his relationships since my Mum died. One of his girlfriends made me fear for my life, she threatened to drive the car into the house and did all kinds of wild things!

He seems to think I 'don't have his back' which is insulting considering I've been there for him through thick & thin & not uttered a word about the toxicity of his relationships to my family.

I've drove him round the country because he has a driving phobia & been his shoulder to cry on for 13 years. I don't want to throw all this in his face but they are the facts. I need to face up to this NOW, or I run the risk of too much time disassociating from my emotions.

He says that he ended them relationships for me but that just makes me feel guilty, the relationships were violent & abusive. I am trying to plot a way forward and just getting kicked off the only parent I have left.

Part of me thinks I am better off without my Dad in my life & I really lost 2 parents when my Mum died. I understand that he went through the traumatic experience as well but that doesn't excuse what he's done. He thinks I don't have his back, yet the emotional abuse I had as a child is the definition of 'not having someones back'.

All the innappropriate comments to my friends are 'not having someones back.'

Just being financially stable isn't provided a loving nurturing home. Now we aren't financially stable & my Dad seems to think its all on him.

I need to focus on work or I run the risk of losing 2 businesses & going bankrupt, which is the last thing I want!

I need to build the business for me & ignore the surrounding noise. I am going to take a walk after this to calm down.

I know that falling into an argument isn't the right thing to do. I also know I haven't been perfect. I know I haven't focused on work as much as I could have done. I know I had a gambling problem that was hard to deal with.

I'm not seeking to place blame on him, I'm just looking to plot a way forward. I must be respected.

Going forward I cannot tolerate him talking about his relationships.
I cannot tolerate being put in the middle of familial disputes.

I am my own person, I am not dependent on him! He should not be dependent on me!

I am strong, I will live for today & make sure I don't lapse back into negative thought patterns.

I need to look at the argument we had for what it is, narcissitic drivel.

Onwards & upwards, this is all part of the journey.

@crimsonTalker6672 Im sorry to hear that things with your dad are so distressing. I am also having to learn what and where to set boundaries with my family to prevent triggers and dissociating. Albeit I have a lot more distance between my parents and myself and do not need to interact with them so closely. For myself, I have found that I need to be really clear with myself on what my basic core needs are regarding maslows hierarchy of needs ie: safety, shelter, etc and then flesh that out as to how that applies concretely to my life. Then I am more able to figure out how and where I need to set boundaries with people.

I guess I like to think of this in terms of my job: if my job role is not clearly defined- I end up trying to do too much for my patients and clients because they ask it of me or I just feel or see the need. If my role is clearly defined then it is much easier to set boundaries for myself about when to say no, both to myself mentally as well as to others. I would end up being overworked , burnt out and no good to anyone professionally otherwise.

This is has helped me to frame it in this way although I still havent figured out exactly where I need to set boundaries with my family. Im still working on it.

I dont know if this helps at all.....?

@purpleWest8143 Thanks, it certainly does, I am learning to express myself clearly & calmly.

I lost my temper with my Dad & it made me feel guilty! Later on I expressed myself clearly & it seems to have helped the situation.

I am looking at facts & what I need to do to cope, rather than opinions.

I know what you mean about helping clients, I do that a lot I make a deal then up doing 5 times more work for no more money! I then sulk about it even though I had the option to say NO.

@crimsonTalker6672 and we shouldnt feel bad or guilty about saying no either 😉 we have every right to practise self care by saying no to things.

Day 4:

I feel a lot better today. After the argument with my Dad we had an adult discussion. I felt guilty for losing my temper but I've let it go.

There are a lot of triggers around work & more specifically working with my Dad. I know that if I leave it will help the issue but it won't cure the cause.

My Dad is lonely & has been since my Mum died. That doesn't make it appropriate to:

1: Have a toxic & abusive relationship, regardless of whether you have a kid or not.

2: Discuss this relationship in depth with your child.

He is on his own journey & I can respect that. He said one thing yesterday that I found interesting. He said 'I ended the relationships eventually because I had you.' in a weird way that makes me feel guilty!

He shouldn't end the relationships because of me. It is fallacious thinking and most definately not true. The relationships were toxic, that is why they ended!

I need to be OK for myself & I need to keep that in mind. That is the best way to support my Dad. It is the same for him as well, he needs to be OK for himself, not for a relationship or to make me happy.

In some ways I feel as though I'm keeping my Dad together, which isn't right! On the one hand I know that being involved in his relationships isn't right, on the other hand I wonder what would happen if I wasn't involved in his life. It is tough, because I think this is the trigger my mind is fighting. I need to change my way of thinking.

I need to build a life for myself, for me!

I do feel good today, I feel more relaxed in general through meditiation and checking my feelings. I woke up anxious in the morning & didn't have the best nights sleep, has anyone got any tips that have worked for them on how to get a peaceful nights sleep?

@crimsonTalker6672

I have trouble sleeping. I use an eye mask, ear plugs, and a lavender/chamomile spray on my pillow every night.

I avoid caffeine, especially in the evening. I dont watch TV in bed. I use red toned lights in the evening including a red filter on my phone.

Often breathing exercises help me fall asleep.

If Im having a hard time falling asleep, I sit in the bathroom with the light on for a few minutes then lay back down. The shock of light to dark helps. Plus if I lay in bed for too long tension builds up and getting out of bed and then back in helps me start relaxing again.

Also ... if I can see the clock it stresses me that Im not sleeping. I try to avoid the clock.

I hope one of those things sounds doable and might help.

@crimsonTalker6672 Ive gotten into habit of watching slow dramas in bed before sleep years ago to turn my thoughts off.

This last year though, Ive started listening to guided meditation with my 12 year old when putting her to bed as she struggles with anxiety and I found I was often falling asleep! Our favourite so far is Jason Stephensons guided meditations on YouTube - I find his voice very soothing and calming. Ive also started using essential oils in a diffuser beside my bed as a rule every night and find this helps relax me a little. Its a battle between letting go of the thoughts as well as getting the nervous system to release for me.

Day 4-5-6

Thanks guys, I bought something called 'sleepy' from Lush a while back & I think I need to use it consistently. It's a lavender based cream that is meant to help you sleep!

I went to the therapist today & he said he thinks that anxiety is the issue more so than a lack of sleep! He said I'm probably draining myself by getting worked up in the day!

I love the headspace app for meditation, its the best 10 a month I've ever spent! I'll check out Jason Stephenson as well & crack him on before I go to sleep :)

I had an ok weekend. I got up early on both days & walked my dogs which I enjoyed. I went for a meal with family & realized how negative they can be! I think looking back that could be a factor into why I've related to traumatic events so negatively. I watched too much TV on Sunday & wasted the day. I feel frustrated that I did that yesterday as I could have read & ran some errands. The least I could have done is planned the week & this morning. On the plus side I meditated over the weekend which I don't usually do!

I didn't plan & ended up rushing around to get to therapy!

I'm having some quite frank discussions with my Dad. One thing he says is "Well, I ended the toxic relationships for you!" This makes me feel incredibly guilty & makes me want to run away from my emotions.

He needs to go his own way on his own journey & me too with mine!

I have been a lot more focused on the now in the past week & it is great on the whole.

@crimsonTalker6672 I hope its ok that Im now checking into your diary daily. Theres something in your posts that reminds me of myself although our experiences are different, it sounds a little as though we process similarly in our thought patterns. Ive been reading

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and he talks about how our family upbringing can set the tone for our resiliency to face traumatic experiences. Basically, it will impact how we process an event in the moment and following. Ive also been taking an online course on trauma for professionals and it talked about how having disorganized attachments with our caregivers increases our chances of developing PTSD when faced with traumatic experiences as we cant organize the info to process in the moment and our system gets overloaded. This theory made a lot of sense to me.

My mother also has a lot of trauma in her background - she does not try to talk to me about it but projects so many unhealthy behaviors onto me and its draining. Ive tried encouraging her to get support for herself but shes in utter denial that theres a problem and wants to only think about positive things she says. Ive come to realize I️can only control what I️ do and learn to speak up for my needs and set boundaries around this. So if what shes doing is draining for me or causing me anxiety try to kindly just say what I️ actually need ie. I️ need to do this on my own today but

Thanks for the offer mom. This seems to help me feel a bit better and less stressed.

Sorry! My phone is glitching 😖

@purpleWest8143 of course, if we can help each other through shared experience thats good! do you have a diary I can check out?

@crimsonTalker6672 i dont yet as Ive been journaling on paper for months but Im considering starting to do it on here instead as Im thinking there can be lots of benefit to getting feedback from others

Day 7!

Its been a week since my diagnosis with PTSD & on the whole it's been very positive. I've set a plan up of what I want to do & I've notice a lot of triggers that I didn't expect to!

I must admit this journey is humbling. I've been quite a bit of a 'know-it-all-tough-guy'. For me to admit that I've struggled is a big thing. I still feel the strong urge to disassociate from my emotions.

The past 2 nights I've done nothing but binge watch sit-coms, which isn't good. It's all i've really done for the past few years & I need to break the cycle by busying my life with productive & social things.

Even though my traumatic experiences were the better part of 10 years ago, I feel as though they were yesterday.

I am thinking of going to my local buddhist centre to do some transcendental meditation. I haven't truly focused on anything since I was 11 years old, so I need to blast the symptoms with everything I've got!

Life is frustrating me the past couple of days. I think my tolerance to stress is really low. I've gone from feeling great on Monday & some of Tuesday to not so great today!

My phone has broke & I need to get it sorted, it is becoming a bigger decision than it should be! I have wasted time & this frustrates me.

My girlfriend is off ill & being very needy, I'm scared to not cater to her every whim. It's probably something to do with me being scared of confrontation in a relationship.

I feel frustrated with it! I feel the expectation to finish work early. It isn't my fault she is ill & I shouldn't feel pressured into clocking off early to satisfy her needs, it isn't fair.

I need to stand up to this behaviour, because left unchecked it sends me on a downward spiral. I've disassociated into my own thoughts today. I feel irritable. I need to stand up for myself.

It's all good & well blaming my girlfriend, but at the end of the day I'm enabling that behaviour. I feel annoyed today! I haven't meditated today or been to the gym all week!

I can rant or I can take action in the right way!

So it's day 11 on my journey & I've had things put in perspective.

My Gran fell ill yesterday & I had to rush her to the hospital. I had to take the day off work to watch her & thankfully all is relatively ok now. She has drank a lot since my Grandad passed & her kidneys are struggling. I hope this is the wake up call she needs to change her lifestyle!

Family members being ill has a lot of triggers for me, as I've lost people in sudden, traumatic circumstances! With all the work I've done lately I was able to manage them well. I was able to identify the illogical thoughts & feelings. (My Gran is going to drop dead & I'm terrified.)

That being said it made me realize that I'm blowing a lot of situations out of proportion at work. Maybe it's a distraction from how I really feel.

I've womanized, I've binge drank a lot & I've gambled. Now I'm not doing any of them I think I'm making small issues big to distract myself from my feelings, which I don't know, because I've always avoided them!

Why am I sabotaging my business?

The deeper question is why am I sabotaging my happiness/success in life?

Do I feel as though nothing is permanent? Am I scared of success? Do I feel as though I don't deserve it? Is it the limiting mindset that my Grandparents have?

Is it all of the above?

I've not been happy for as long as I can remember. Maybe I've felt misunderstood & that I've had no support. That I'm all alone after my Mum died & I wont ever have anyone to share my success with. Relationships are temporary, not permanent. I learnt that from my Dad after my Mum died. I can't blame him, because it's my perspective of the situation thats causing my problems.

Infact I've learnt that life is permanent, so why bother planning long term? I know this is illogical, but feelings aren't logical. Maybe as long as I've got some money in my pocket to fulfill my current urges, I've been satisfied. Not happy, satisfied.

I'm mentally planning long term, but my actions are always focused around short term gratification. The physical needs to reflect my mental planning.

That doesn't mean I shouldn't be in the now, that means I should be acting in the now whilst fulfilling my long term goals.

Today is going to be a good day, hope it is for all of you too!

So it's day 14 on my journey, time flies!

It's been up & down so far, with me fighting my own mind & to be honest, I'm exhausted. I struggle processing my emotions & try to look solely into the future, seeing great things ahead, when really I should be in the now!

I was thinking of mentally starting at day 1 again, but I've got to accept that I can learn something from failure & take it on as part of me. I know my exhaustion is mental. I haven't focused this much for a long time. I am learning about myself every day & have done a lot more reading. I need to sort my diet out, I am comfort eating because my Gran is in hospital. I am having junk food most days, which isn't good!

I think I am tired because I am aware. I am not letting my emotions take over all the time & I am standing up for myself for the first time ever!

I have disassociated a few times, but significantly less than I would normally. I am meditating daily & have started training to do a marathon next year.

I am thinking a lot less about the traumatic events of my past & trying to focus on what I can build.

I am going to:

1: Change my standards in what I expect of others & myself.

2: Identify & eliminate any self limiting beliefs.

3: Change my strategy until I reach the desired outcome.

I still feel down quite a lot and that needs to change! I understand that happiness is a state of mind & I think that controlling my emotions is key to this. I feel stressed & then I over invest in the emotion.

This week I'm looking forward to getting some positive work done on my new projects & managing people properly!

@crimsonTalker6672

You're doing great! What you see as failure is really a learning opportunity, no need to restart. You're setting great goals, ones that you can mend to fit however things turn out. You can reach them in several ways, which is good! Good luck on your projects, I know you can do this.

Sorry to hear about Gran, wishing you both the best.

@crimsonTalker6672 if this helps, Ive tried to keep the thought in mind that blips and what feels like setbacks emotionally, arent failures but are actually a natural part of the learning and healing in this journey. Ive at times thought that yes it feels depressing, overwhelming, exhausting etc. But Im taking the time to really look at how my body reacts to things, my thoughts, understand the purpose for that and decide what I need to do based on all of this. This process all takes an insane Amt of time and energy and for those of us that have learned to dismiss/suppress our feelings/ emotions and ended up dissociating in the past to cope - this will take time to unlearn. Im trying my best to embrace the discomfort because it means Im making progress. If Im FEELING things, however big and overwhelming, it is better than checking out. The more I feel, the more Im learning about myself. That being said though.... Im not working right now and I know you are, so I do have a bit more space and time to be throwing all of my energies into this process. You are doing great though! Dont think about it as failures! Please think about it as all being chances to learn more 😉

Hi everyone... I know I said I would keep posting here but I didn't have the heart to... turns out it's harder to publicly share your pain... can't say I'm surprised.... anyway if any listener here knows what ptsd is, and how it affects people, not just the logic but the emotional stuff to... please drop me a message, only if your female please.... it would be really nice to talk to someone who actually understands, thank you, and I've actually been doing a alittle better, I'm far from moved on..... but, I'm a step closer, and that's what counts, those small steps people never notice... there pretty big for me.... thank you for reading, take care x

Thanks for all the replies guys!

For a long time I felt like it was just me who disassociates from my emotions, I felt as if there was something wrong with me mentally & I couldn't talk to anyone.

I now understand what it is & why I do it. Since I took away the vices that I had (Gambling, drinking, womanizing.) My disassociating has only gotten worse.

I confused myself, a lot of problems went away because I stopped my vices, but these problems were exclusive TO THE VICES. I didn't understand the underlying problem.

I am reading Tony Robbins, Awaken the giant within at the moment & it is very good, each chapter is insightful in its own way.

I am making a lot of progress mentally. Work is getting better. I feel better on the whole, but I still have my moments, mainly when I'm alone.

Because I've been away with the fairies for a long time, other people have set the expectations, boundaries & dynamics in how I interact with them. This is something I need to change.

Example: My Dad believes his work is the most important to the company & I should help him in completing his work. I should basically spend my time enabling him to work.

The fact is that although his work has more stringent deadlines from a client facing point of view, my work in developing new products & delivering them to the market is going to be what delivers long term prosperity.

I have no strict deadline other than my own pressure, which needs to be far greater than it is!

Yesterday was terrible, my Dad & his girlfriend are on the verge of splitting up. He still talks about it, just not as much. It makes me feel awful. It is the biggest trigger that I have. I've got no work done today.

I don't need him to like not speaking about his relationships, but I need him to respect it. I can't go on working with him if he's going to do this. A normal person would shrug it off, but I can't.

Already my eczema on my face has started coming back, I had a terrible nights sleep & woke up feeling anxious. I've been spaced out for most of the day.

To be honest it feels good to get this off my chest, but I need to speak to him.

I feel disrespected. He knows I have been diagnosed with PTSD & knows that conflict in his relationships is a trigger, yet he still does it. I need to stand up for myself & express how I'm feeling.

When he knows that this is tough for me & he still does it, he crosses the line into it being his fault. Especially considering that I'm currently going through treatment.

What stops me from putting my foot down is the fear of losing my Dad. I feel as though if I leave him to it, he won't cope. He's said many times that I held him together after my Mum died.

I just feel as though this is unfair.

The thing is I start feeling really stressed yesterday & I can't put my finger on why. I start ranting about work & making problems where there aren't any.

He has a driving phobia, which I don't understand, yet I respect it, don't chastise him for it & want him to get better.

That is what I need from him, or I will walk!

I feel a mixture of upset, angry & frustrated. I find it hard to tell him how I'm feeling incase he gets upset.

This weekend has been enlightening. I went out on Friday & got rip-roaring drunk & let everyone down.

Simply put, it was addictive behaviour. I have mentioned before I had a gambing problem, well really I have an addictive personality & have done for all my life!

Mix this in with PTSD & its a fun ride.

I've decided to stop going to therapy. I thought it was helping but it wasn't. It was just dragging up past negative experiences and not resolving anything. I actually think sometimes my therapist came across as bored!

I am deciding to move on with my life & let the past be the past, whilst living in the now. I am going to work the 12 steps & stop being so critical of the people around me. I need to accept myself as I am 'an addict' which I will find easier in time!

My life isn't really dissimilar to when I set the business up 7 years ago. Hmmm, really is it that much different than when my Mum died? Probably not.

The best thing I can do is move on with my life & away from the problems that have consumed me. I have been so negative, I have decided to be positive today & it feels great!

@crimsonTalker6672

More power to you! It sounds like youve made a few changes and are listening to what you need.

Finding the right therapist can be can be a challenge. Ive read an article saying a study showed that many people benefited more from self help books than talk therapy.

The 12 steps really helped a family member of mine, but it doesnt work for everyone. If you realize that its not a good fit for you, then I hope youll explore other paths. I dont think the 12 steps would work for me be because my religious beliefs are very divergent from it.

Thanks @hoping4harmony :) I'm trying my best!

I'm going to check out the addiction community on here also, I think it will be of benefit!

Did my addictions come about because of my PTSD? Maybe, but I'm not going to throw myself under a bus to find out!

I need to engage more with this community & build a life! The thoughts I have seem mad, but I need to share them...

I'm meant to be going out on a friends work do tomorrow night, but I know there would be a lot of drink involved & right now that isn't something I can be involved in. I am however, terrified of rejecting my friend on account of repurcussions, which won't happen!

I'm going to Whatsapp him when I'm done on here & explain, same with the therapist. At the moment I am just ghosting him & that isn't fair to me or him. It's like something eating away at the back of me.

It is fear that stops me from doing it. Fear of being in that place where everything is dark & I can't get out. Where I'm terrified to go to sleep & my hearts pounding.

BUT

My friend won't beat me up for not going to his work do or threaten me. He might be a bit annoyed, but he will understand!

My therapist won't condemn me for moving on to something else in my recovery.

It's crazy how my thoughts can escalate.

I had a haircut & a shave today expecting to feel better, & I did, temporarily. These things do help & are good, but they are like putting a band-aid on a broken leg.

I am changing my life one day at a time & I want it to look completely different in a month than it does now.

The root cause of my problems are my own character defects. Yes I witnessed abuse & yes I've been in traumatic events, but it is how I relate to them that is the problem, not everyone else.

Not even my Dad who put me through some of the trauma. Infact, he has been through trauma himself & me blaming him probably doesn't make anything better, to say the least!

I need to change. No more debauchorous nights out. No more sugary drinks every day or chocolate. No more masturbation or fantasies of other people.

Even then. I can stop all that & still be the same. It is my character that needs to change. Not completely, I am not an utterly bad egg.

I'm feeling great on the whole. I'm starting to stop the negative aspects of my personality in my tracks, feel much better & be a lot more positive.

Things still bother me & trigger me, but I'm working on keeping them in perspective. I need to accept that they bother me to be able to let them go. I fight my emotions & it can be draining!

A big pattern of thought I am working on altering is my link/relationship with my Dad. I am in my mid 20's now, have my own house & am my own man.

My Dad is his own man & can do what he wants, he can play the games he wants & it's his lookout, I can speak up about it, but really it isn't anything to do with me.

We have a business together, which can be good, but also stressful. By design he does a lot of the road work & I am office based. I am going to set up a side business a la '4 hour work week' to gain my financial independence whilst also working on the things I feel passionate about in my current business.

I am going back to a regular support meeting in my hometown, which helps to keep my addictive personality in check.

I am finding my diet the hardest thing to change, as I have had a poor relationship with food for a long time, but I am doing it & already feeling better & less bloated.

So on the whole, I feel as though I am making healthy progress for the first time in my life. I am taking one day at a time & doing my best.
It does feel like baby steps at the minute, but I know the more I do, the better I will get!

I haven't updated this in a while & I want to check in!

The journey I've been on since the start of December is one of self-discovery & I feel as though my life is slowly but surely getting better.

As I've written previously, I went out partying at the start of December & nearly blew up my entire life. Since then, I've decided that the teetotal life is for me.

I had a beer on January 14th at a friends Birthday. I didn't even want it, I just did it out of wanting to feel comfortable, to conform. Infact, as much as I hate to admit it, a lot of what I've done has been to conform.

Since then I have been alcohol free, so that makes it... 45 days now . I feel as though my brain is rewiring itself. My memory is improving & my performance at work is getting better. It is a slow process, but I can feel a definite change.

I came close to having a bet a few weeks ago, and need to put more blocks in place. Infact, thats one thing I'm going to do today.

I actually don't blame my Dad anymore for the things that have happened. I can understand that he was in pain as well & he has his own problems. (Alcohol, unhealthy relationships.)

I had a decade of debauchery, from 16 to 25. I am struggling to move on from what I've done & the position I'm in, but I think the way to do that is going to be accepting the past as 'lessons learned' & moving on with my life to new things that I enjoy.

At 16 I left school to go to college & instantly started going out getting rip roaring drunk 2-4 times a week. The people I surrounded myself with did the same. Actually doing work was NOT the priority. My gambling started in the 12 months that followed. It soon escalated into more than I could afford. To be brutally honest, I cannot remember much of 2011. I got into a 12 step programme in mid-2012, but aside from stopping gambling, nothing really changed. My drinking wasn't 4x a week, it was one blackout binge a week that took days to recover from. There was one time where I went out drinking for pretty much 24 hours straight. Or the time I got a 1200 tax rebate & spent it on clothes & booze. I had debts to pay at that time.

The problem is that me acting the way I did was seen as normal by the people around me. I was never seen as someone who had a problem with alcohol, even by members of my family, when looking back, it was pretty obvious. If you would have substituted 'alchohol' with any other drug, you would have said I had a problem. So why does society as a whole not do this with drink?

It's seen as fun to be out drinking until the early hours. A lot of our favourite TV stars are functioning alcoholics who drink all the time, with no repurcussions.

The perception that an 'alcoholic' is a down & out, a loser with no hope or even someone that drinks every day & in the morning needs to change. On a scale of 1-10, my alcoholism was probably a 6. I've never drank every day however, I have drank in the morning a couple of times (Hi, 13 year old me!). The flipside of that is that I would binge whenever I went out. I would be out of control. I would steal & lie & do a lot of other things that I've forgotten.

Even with gambling, it was only in the last 6 months that I was gambling every day & in the mornings. It was only then when I plunged myself into debt. It took me being a '10' as far as gambling is concerned to find the right help.

There are going to be some tough conversations ahead with friends & family to reframe the relationships. I want to leave no stone unturned. I need to explain where I'm at & torch the bridge between me & my old lifestyle.

I must say I feel reluctant to share my thoughts & feelings. I'm reluctant to accept that what I went through as child was traumatic.

My inner voice is saying:

"So what you heard your Mum die in the room next to you, that isn't traumatic. People get physically & sexually abused. Losing a parent isn't traumatic."

"So you heard your Dad in a relationship that consisted of physical & verbal abuse, even sometimes extending to death threats. That isn't traumatic, just get a grip of yourself."

"So you were bullied when you are younger, so are lots of people, grow up!"

When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, I felt like a fraud. I felt as though that couldn't be me. I felt as though my problems weren't serious enough to have PTSD. That PTSD was only for people who'd suffer the abuse themselves. Not people who had 'witnessed' things that are bad. I didn't want the label of suffering with my mental health. I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to accept that my Dad put me in horrible situations as a child & I suffered because of it.

The facts are:

From 16-25 I have suffered with various addictions. This is very common in survivors of traumatic abuse.
I repress the hell out of any emotions that I feel.
I keep busy all of the time
I haven't processed any of the emotions regarding my Mum or the subsequent abuse. I avoid it at all costs.
I don't trust anyone.

I could keep on going with pretty much all of the symptoms of PTSD barring having flashbacks. Maybe I don't have flashbacks because I've spent my life running away from my problems & setting fire to my brain. Just 45 days into recovery & I'm nearly in tears reading a book. Each time I feel something, its like a layer of my dead skin is being peeled away.

I want to step out into the world as a decent, functioning member of society. I now understand it is not healthy for me to heavily involve my Dad in my recovery. He needs to know that I'm doing well & in recovery, as well as checking the Business accounts. That is it for now. This may change in time, but for now, thats what I want & believe is best for my recovery.

Truth be told, he is an addict himself & on his own journey.

I want to be here, in the now, in the moment, & for today, I will be!

@wizeakre Thankyou! Your absolutely right. I believe there is a stigma around mental health that is still there. It's something I'm really interested in. I was walking my dogs & laughing last night thinking about how absurd it is that I've fought my feelings for so long. We are never alone, there is always someone we can turn to. I am thankful for places like this. None of my family on my Mums side know about the abusive relationships my Dad's been in. They may have an idea, but they don't know! Its so easy to live a lie and actually believe it!

One thing I've tried & need to follow through on is CBT. I've done it through Moodgym & it's great. I am also considering going back to therapy for any points I get stuck with. I sacked the therapist off because of a binge & truthfully, I wasn't ready to face the issues, as much as I said I was.

On a separate note, I am going to update this daily again, with a slightly different take.

Instead of focusing on the past, I am going to focus on the NOW. I want to look at how PTSD & addictions affect my daily life. I want to recognize behavioural patterns & change my actions!

For a long time I have been staring at the past whilst trying to sprint to the future, when there is only the moment!

Ok, so today:

Today hasn't been fantastic. I have spent a lot of time pacing around the house talking to myself about my mental state, rather than working. Is that a good thing? I'm not actually sure. It's made me set up this diary as a way to process/get out my rambling thoughts.

I still feel as though I should always be busy. I am actually on top of the work for my current business & have had some enquiries. Being on top of my work is a new thing for me. I was always behind even though I wasn't busy. That takes away a lot of the guilt from talking to myself!

I haven't lost my really lost my temper today, which is good. I rarely lose my temper overtly, when internally I may be seething.

I'm taking my Gran out tonight, this may explain why I've been less productive. She is a big trigger for me to check out. I don't think my Girlfriend is coming, so it will be me & her. I find her poisonous, narcissistic & deluded. She is very negative & lies constantly. It takes all my energy to not snap at her.

I took her shopping after my 12 step meeting at the weekend & was exhausted on getting home.

As a solution to her ways, I've been trying to be super positive with her, as tough as I find it. I need to let the past go.

I can only do this by achieving my goals & focusing on myself.

Right, so goals. I'm going to look at the next 6 months & what I want to be, do & have.

Be

Consistently happier.
Looking at moving abroad.
Flexible
Excellent runner
Excellent cook.

Do

Manchester Half Marathon
Introduction to Buddhism course
Go on 3 holidays.
Bench 100kg.
Read all of my books.

Have

New running clothes
Pay off all consumer debt.
New half decent watch.
New car.

I've adapted this from the 4 hour work week, which is a solid read for all! I actually feel better for putting down what I want. It puts the shit around into perspective for what it is.

Until tomorrow morning!

I was going to post this after my first hour working, but I need to do it now.

I woke up this morning & within an hour I was in a terrible mood. I got up at 6:15 with the aim of taking the dogs out, meditating, having breakfast, & a shower ready to start work at 8am. I just didn't have enough time, mainly because I was dropping my girlfriend off at work. I always say yes to her, thats my frustation with myself. My frustration with her is that she is more than happy to pressure me into taking her, which with the weather being bad near me, could take up to 45 minutes, instead of her walking in the cold for 20 minutes.

My Dad messaged me about a bank transaction, which I don't mind, but it was a recurring payment that has been going out for the best part of a year & he only queries it now. I am a gambling addict. The support I want is for him to check the bank. This would also give him peace of mind. Granted, recovery is a choice that I am making & him checking/not checking the bank isn't going to change that, it's just something I want that helps with trust.

The thought has just gone through my mind that maybe he doesn't want to build a relationship built on trust, maybe he likes playing the victim. This would certainly be congruent with the rest of his life!

I am realizing that I have simply survived in relationships, not thrived & got what I want! I could moan all day about different situations, but the fact is that things need to change. I am going to text my girlfriend explaining that I'm frustrated that I got up early, yet couldn't start work at 8am. I am going to set a monthly meeting with my Dad to review the bank account/finances. We should be doing this anyway.

I haven't kept my calm today, but I can make the rest of the day good.

My recovery needs to come first in my life. Without recovery, I cannot hold my own in any relationship.

I'm updating my list of what I want. I'm doing this because I put myself under pressure. A lot has actually stayed the same. My main priority is becoming a business owner. A lot of the goals interlink. If I improve my confidence in relation to work, I will come close to being a business owner. If i consistently hit the gym, I will feel more confident. If I increase my income, I can comfortably afford the things I want.

Be

A business owner - I do own a business, but I want to run the business as opposed to working as a self employed person. I want to quadruple the businesses income in the next 6 months.
Taking steps to move abroad - I want to move to NYC, identify which visa is best & start the process.
Flexible - Consistently attend yoga 1 x per week.
Excellent runner - Do Half marathon in under 1:45
Confident - I want to be comfortable making sales calls, going out without alcohol & having difficult conversations. I want to have more balance in my relationships.
Happier - I want to rant less, stay away from my vices & improve my relationships with those closest to me.

Do

Manchester Half Marathon - Booked
Introduction to Buddhism course - 90, will do in 6 weeks
Go on 3 holidays. - Got 1 booked, with another being booked soon, need 1 more.
Bench 100kg. - Can roughly do 80-85kg right now!
Read all of my books. - Got about 10-15 to read!
Try a new restaurant each month!

Have

New running clothes - 150-200
Pay off all consumer debt. - 1500
New half decent watch. - 200-500
New car. - 1500 downpayment.
New friends - Can be done through running, buddhism & recovery meetings!
Macbook pro - 1500

All of this is pointless if I don't start taking steps to achieve my goals. Some, I could technically do now. For example, I could buy a macbook pro on finance. I want to comfortably afford a macbook pro, not cop out by getting it on finance. So, for the rest of the week I'm going to:

Discuss frustrations with my girlfriend.
Take steps to pay off consumer debt.
Keep all tasks up to date in business 1 & finish setting up business 2.
Call all leads for business 2.
Remove 2 clients from business 1.
Go to the gym twice to run & do weights.
Throw out old things I'm keeping hold of.
Get to the buddhist centre to try out a meditation.

I'm going to update my feelings daily and update this list a couple of times a week, it's important to me to detail where I'm up to & have a plan that relates to my goals.

@crimsonTalker6672 Im mind blown right now. I wish I could be this goal oriented and organized 👍

Today has been a good day, I've felt strong.

I've done a workout & made a challenging call. I've also eaten pretty healthily.

My Dad has frustrated me, but I took a break to do a workout & I felt better. He gets so involved in negative situations & they bother him deeply.

I want to maintain a healthy distance from my Dad.

I went to my 12 step meeting last night & it proved to be a revelation. I was going to speak about PTSD & how I've suffer. However.... certain things happened that made me realize that I'm not the only person who has been through tough situations in life. My woes in life are my own. No-one forced me to go out & drink or gamble, I did that myself & I must hold myself accountable. I dealt with situations in the wrong way & its up to me with the support of others to learn a new, better way!

I have been selfish in the past & I'm now looking to help people on their journey also, which is great!

Until tomorrow..... Have a good one folks :)

@crimsonTalker6672

Well done on your progress with the 12 steps. Thats step 5 youve just cracked isnt it? Stay strong, one day at a time, and you can do this!

Thanks guys, your support is massively appreciated!

This weekend just gone wasn't the best. 100% honesty, I am finding the weekends the toughest thing to crack. In the week I am getting better with work by the week & have something that resembles structure. Further to this, the triggers of alcohol & gambling are far less in the week than at the weekend.

I was meant to help my friend move in on Friday & he cancelled on me. I felt really pushed out, considering that I was solely trying to help him. I think I have issues around this friend, which I will try to make sense of below:

I met this friend when I was about 11. I wasn't at all close to him until we were freshmen in high school. He was in a lot of my classes & decided to sit next to me in most of them. I felt like he just wanted to be around the cool people & I was a route into that. He gossiped constantly & I found him annoying. He couldn't keep a secret, for example he told my girlfriend what present I had got her on Christmas Eve.

We have stayed in touch, he has had his own struggles & I would now say that we are close friends. I want to keep him in my life, but I want a bit more distance. I don't trust him & I can't have any kind of deep conversation with him. I find stuff like this ironic because I don't trust him, even though I am a recovering addict.

I think that is the deeper issue. I feel conflicted distancing myself from people when I've done the things I've done. I struggle to be 'selfish' even if its the best thing for me. I don't really enjoy his company. He may be the one person from high school whose tried to stay in touch, but honestly, he has mithered everyone & I've probably been the soft touch. I will keep in touch with him, but on my terms!

I saw my Gran on Friday, which was OK as my girlfriend was there. I find my Gran incredibly stressful & I'll be glad to have a break from her this weekend.

My girlfriend is frustrating me as I feel there is an imbalance in the relationship. I feel as though I do most of the heavy lifting & she doesn't see all the things I do. She nitpicks over me not shutting a door or leaving the light on, when I will drop her off at work, pick her up & then she comes home, sometimes makes tea & sits down on her phone. It isn't good enough. She doesn't see that I take the dogs out 3 x a day, keep the kitchen clean & do try with everything else. My day is dominated by the dogs & making sure she can get to/from work & there is just no appreciation.

My Dad works at the weekend & I feel as though he expects me too also, even though my workload is up to date. I then supplicate by doing things like buying ink on a Monday morning.

Having put all this down, I now know what I need to do. I need to be myself in these relationships, rather than being a supplicating partner. I need to put myself first.

After ranting for a while, I know what I need to do. I need to make my intentions clear. My intentions are for the house to be clean & tidy, for us to get the house how we want it & to progress my business & for me to be financially secure. If I don't want to buy something or do something, it is with that intent in mind. I want to achieve the goals above & that needs to be communicated to everyone!

I cannot force everyone to come with me on my journey.

On a positive note, I told one of my sports buddies about my gambling etc & I will tell the coaches today.

I am meeting a good friend this week & I will tell him about where I'm up to. I am going away this weekend which I'm really looking forward to & I intend on getting my debt consolidated into my mortgage this week, which will save me a lot of outlay this year.

I need to be more comfortable in what I want. I need to understand that the ridicule I suffered when I was younger is not absolute & I just need to go for it!

Actions for today:

Contact coaches for sport.
Arrange day to meet friend
Finish new product for new business
Find bank details.
Give bank details to girlfriend for transparency.
Keep on top of first business tasks.
Plan week.

@wizeakre Thanks, I actually did a course in conflict management 8 years ago. I had the fuzz of addiction over me at the time, so I can't remember a lot of it.

Do you have any books/videos that you can recommend?

I agree that my boundaries need work.

I haven't actually got a lot done in terms of action today, but I actually had a great conversation with my Dad.

I've realized that I need to let negative people in my life go, and that includes my friend from Friday. My Dad knows this person well & he thinks it's for the best!

Having reviewed the past ten year of friendship I honestly believe it is best if I move on. The girlfriend incident is one of many, many incidents. I tolerate him & that's not what friendship is about. I'm not doing him or myself any favours by keeping us really close! I have other better friends who I should spend more time with!

Having no friends is better than having bad friends. It's well known that we are most like the 5 people closest to us.

I am going to get some superstar mentors in my life & move on.

I am going to be doing a lot of sociable things & carrying baggage around will do me no good moving forward.

The barriers are coming down & it feels great! The fuzz is lifting from my brain daily & I just need to keep on moving forward. I can not gamble or drink today & as long as I do that, I can overcome anything.

I'm posting A LOT at the minute & thats because I'm making sense of myself.

I want to work on boundaries a lot. It's where I'm weak! I want to be a lot more comfortable in my own skin & thats only gonna come by making myself uncomfortable & pushing the boundaries of what I'm capable of!

I'm looking forward to a good evening!

See you all tomorrow :)

So today is going to be a good day. Some things may get in my way, but it is a good day!

I have already done a to do list for the day & was up early, which I enjoy. An important thing for me is having a clean room & making the bed in the morning. Its signifies that I am in a good place. When I have suffered, my bedroom has been a mess!

I can't change how the people are in my life. I can only change myself & my actions. In the past 12 hours I've been mithered at least 3 times to do things that have ZERO benefit to me.

I am happy to help people out in my life without the expectation of the exact same in return, I have realized that expectations turn into resentments in a lot of cases.

I've realized it's important to say no & be assertive, but the most important thing is authenticity. It's pointless not doing something just to prove a point. I have the choice to do/not do something.

I'm feeling a lot more emotion, which is fantastic. I also drastically decreased my social media use last night, which is great, I want to keep that going.

Today I'm going to get done what I intended on doing yesterday!

@wizeakre Thankyou, you too :)

Today has been pretty good!

I am trying meditation at the end of the work day, rather than the start, so we will see how that goes.

My Dad frustrates me, but I have done a good job of not letting it get to me too much. It is silly stuff that bothers me to be honest.

I am turning my focus towards work & fitness, which is great. I'm keeping on top of my businesses work very easily right now & it's a good feeling. To me, that's the first phase of success, the next is to grow my income through different & more prosperous means.

I'm going to book a health MOT, which I hope will put my mind at ease. I do worry a lot about health & this is the best step I can take!

I am going to be a lot more positive in my relationship to try to change it. As I type that I realize I may be trying to change my girlfriend, but it isn't the case. I am going to change & if she wants to get on board with it, then great! If not, then not so great.

I'm not in a great place in this relationship & to be honest haven't been for a long time. I feel as though there is an imbalance in it & I get nagged at for little things when the reality is that I take responsibility for most of the main things in our life. I sometimes feel as though my life would be easier without my girlfriend. I wouldn't get nagged & I would probably be better off financially. I am going to stay positive & see what happens!

I saw some old friends earlier near the shop where I used to bet. That made me pretty anxious but that feeling has passed now.

I am realizing that my lack of belief in myself has constantly got in my way for a long time, which is interesting.

A bit of a brief one today, but I will speak more tomorrow. :)