My Silent Voice (Diary)

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I saw that post and the other one titled emotions. I'm sorry they got deleted because those are good topics and things I need help with too. Tbh I don't understand why they need to be "approved" before they're posted. You know what you're doing when you post things. Did things always have to be approved before? Try not to blame yourself ok? I know it's hard not to at times - I do it alot too tbh. Maybe it was posted with the intention of being helpful and they didn't know about the approval being needed?

I'm sorry to hear you stepped down from being a forum supporter - I mean - I understand if it's because you have a lot going on right now and I know you do have a lot going on. But I also know you wouldn't do anything to hurt someone with any posts. So I hope it wasn't just because the approval wasn't gotten first

*offers safe hugs* You're a good forum supporter and a good person. Please try not to think you aren't. You're not letting anyone down - you have my word on that ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

TBH, it was that my posts were not getting approved timely, and then I was asked why I was not posting because I have a quota to make monthly. It was not like this when I was ScarletPear as a Forum Supporter. I don;t know now why it is so hard. I must be the problem. Or my lack of skills. Maybe the Insiders posted it I don't know. I was trying to do as I was asked. Maybe just too dumb to comprehend stuff. I am done. I kind of knew I was not qualified for this but I hate defeat. But I am done. Don't want to throw shade on anyone but myself.

I tried to answer a post in another forum, and it would not let me post it. I found nothing wrong with the wording I used, but it got filtered out. I just can't add this stress onto my other stuff. I gave it my best shot. Truth is the light, I am not equipped enough. Thanks for trying to smooth over it to make me feel better. But I know my truth,❤️Please remember me in your prayers

@WorkingitThrough2 *hugs* ❤️ No my dear sweet friend - the problem isn't you. I know where the problem is and I can't name names of course. But someone is big on control. You don't need to throw shade on anyone - I'll do it for you because there's some issues with someone making things more complicated than they need to be. And it feels like there's alot of gaslighting going on that messes with my head

It upsetting that you're upset with yourself for trying to follow the guidelines and rules and your getting - well- screwed over by the very person who's made the guidelines and rules

Me again :) Can I ask what it said when you tried to reply and it wouldn't let you post? Was it an API error?

@mytwistedsoul

Yes, it was, and a 064 code. you are right about all the glitches since they started working on updates. I don't get my tags either. also, every time I come to the site and log off a pop-up appears on my desktop from 7cups saying I have to be a member or listener to use the note keeper. what the heck is that about??

I gave my resignation, My husband is cutting up more and more, and things are just in an uproar. I have truly tried not to let this stuff get to me, but Soul, it is too much and too big of a load for me to carry. not getting sleep for days, and my head hurting, and I am just kind of a mess right now. My daughter is bringing her 3 grandchildren to the house today or tomorrow to stay the weekend, and I don't have the heart to say no, cause it has been a while since they were here. I feel I am not going to be good company right now. Kids will be kids and .........fill in the blanks.

@WorkingitThrough2 It's frustrating. One top of everything else you have going on - this place shouldn't add more stress. There's a lot of people having trouble with the API code and the 064 is - I think it might be with the censors. It doesn't even have to been certain words but the way things are phrased. I had written something along the lines of - any questions - just j*mp right in. censored *smh* I haven't been getting tags either. I wish they'd give it a break and just fix some things before they start new stuff. There's a thread that people send feedback on what glitches they find - if you're interested - I can give you a link for it

@mytwistedsoul Just got code 64 trying to post this - I had to censor the word jump with a * then it posted *smh*

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks so much. I sent snapshots of everything to support. No answers yet. No, I have not told the doctor that my head and neck is still giving me trouble, I don't want the shots in my neck. They are painful. No added pain if I can help it.

I really appreciate having a true friend to talk to here, No one else I have for support and no family makes it hard to contain stuff. This is my only line of communication with the outside world. Living in the country no one likes to come here they say it is too far. My birth family is just now really trying to connect and that is because they need stuff or money, and then they disappear until they need something. My daughter does not even know my sisters or family because I got adopted so early and was raised by a different family that was worse. They call to tell me all they went through and sadly none of them can read or write and they are younger than me. They don't know they are broken or how to get help. Trying to learn what happiness is and how it feels has been a real challenge. Learning how to think and feel properly is a mist of unresolved turmoil. Well, enough of resonating that won't help. thanks for listening❤️

.

@WorkingitThrough2 I'm glad you sent everything to support. Hopefully it doesn't take to long for them to fix things. They really need to give the updates a break because it seems there's a new set of glitches week

@mytwistedsoul

I thought the chat was at 3 and I missed it. Looked at the time wrong. Not feeling too good today. I picked up a cold from those great grans got me feeling drained. runny nose and scratchy throat along with coughing. Trying to not let it pull me down.

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I'm sorry you missed it but I do understand the time. I have a few alarms set to make sure I don't miss it myself

Oh no! I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Tea with honey might help your throat and cough. Zinc is good too 🙂 *sends healing vibes and lots of hugs* I hope you feel better soon ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

You know I got this from the great grans over the weekend. all of them had colds and I of all people got it. Fixing onions, tea, honey, sage, and lemon for a hot tea to drink. I was not around them that much but I kept telling my daughter if the kids are sick don't bring them. In one ear and out the other. Exactly why she needs her own place to live. It seems as if she does not care if I get sick. I keep telling them that I have a weak immune system and can't be exposed to stuff.

@WorkingitThrough2 I'm sorry to hear she brought them to visit when they were sick. That's really inconsiderate and thoughtless of her. A visit would have been much nicer for everyone if they weren't sick. Even if you were around them much you were still exposed to germs - especially if they were all sick *smh* that really sucks. I hope you can take time to rest - I know you've been struggling with sleep too and that doesn't help your immune system either ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

I don't understand why my health is not important to her, makes me wonder if she is trying to bump me off🤔. Word rang in my head of something she said when I asked a question of what is the worst thing you can say to a person and her reply was that you are worth more to me deceased than alive. Wow, that blew me away. All the COVID and flu stuff she has brought home from her job or her church.

I am running a fever and have been up all night. I did get a few hours of sleep. Made me a tartd to drink and but it slam up on the stove. sitting here sweating and my nose running. going to get off here and see what else I can find to take,

Thanks for checking in on me❤️

@WorkingitThrough2 That is definitely a horrible thing to say to someone. I hope it wasn't something that she gave alot of thought in regards towards you. I mean I really hope she wasn't serious. This is a totally out of line question and I don't need the answer - does she inherit the house? I feel terrible even thinking that way. I hope it's just that she's being inconsiderate rather than trying to make you sick. It's disappointing because she knows - I hope - all the things you're dealing with just with your husband alone. That's more than enough stress for anyone. I know they're your grandkids but she should have really given some thought to your health. You're already feeling bad because of the trouble with your neck and headaches - now being sick with a fever and cold on top 😞 Its just really inconsiderate of her

@mytwistedsoul

Yes she does inherit the house🤔. She and her son also get the insurance. My daughter is so much like her dad, that we often bump heads. You know I lost my son so I probably take a lot from her that I might not have if she was not my only child.

I am feeling much better today, no fever😊. Since I have not been able to sleep, I started building a doll house out of some empty boxes. Something to take my mind off of stuff. I will give it to Hortence when I get finished and hope she likes it😊

How are you? and what are you up to? I really like talking to you and I am glad that you are my friend❤️

@WorkingitThrough2 I think that's understandable that you put up with more from her since the loss of your son. I'm so sorry you lost him. I can only imagine the heartbreak you felt ❤️

I'm glad the fever is gone and you're feeling better! It awesome that you're making a dollhouse for Hortence - I bet she'll love it! It does help to have things like that to do when we can't sleep. I'd love to see it when it's done! Only if you're comfortable sharing though ❤️

Thank you 😊 I really like talking with you too and I love having you as my friend *hugs* ❤️ much love to you ❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Hey, this is the house for Hortence that I am making. Made it out of cardboard boxes😂

@WorkingitThrough2 This is so cool! You did a great job on this! There's little string lights upstairs isn't there? 😊 Has Hortence seen it yet? Does she like it?

@mytwistedsoul

She has not seen it yet, I am still working on perfecting it a bit more and putting the balcony on😊

@WorkingitThrough2 A balcony will be awesome and make it look even cooler! I really hope she likes her surprise! 😊❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Me too😂

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ How are you feeling?

@mytwistedsoul

Another event was done to my great-granddaughter a day ago. She is 8.**TW**, her almost-new dad acoustic. Her. The law was called, and nothing was done. What in the world is going on????

@WorkingitThrough2 Omg! I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't believe that the authorities didn't do anything. If it happened once - ya know?

The world has turned upside down and is heading in a really bad direction I'm afraid 😞

@mytwistedsoul

You are so right; what the heck is happening to people's minds? The brother that hurt my great grand has pulled a weapon on his mother. They let that kid out of the mental health hospital. I can't believe all this is happening.😒. I am trying to stay as busy as I can so the brain can't think about all this mess. We sent for her dad and he is here with us and my great grand.

 Content advisory

This is where I am today, in the pit of discouragement. I keep trying to shake stuff off, but things keep popping up. I can't seem to catch a breath of fresh air. I try to be happy and engaging and try to keep my mind on positive stuff, but for what? You can not seem to maintain that state of mind today. Everything seems so turned upside down, and like I really don't belong here, in this world, at this time. Kind of feels like the universe played some cruel joke at my expense. I am sure that I probably would not be missed if I were not here. Nevertheless, the world and the things in the world will continue, and if we can't find ways to adjust, then we will get run over and left for dead.

I can not see the positive in this. Faking till you make it is a joke. Who does that help? Not me; maybe others get the pleasure of you *** up to them to make them feel special. I sit here at this computer, and I wonder where is the happiness and fulfilling life that should have been a product of my life for the endurance and the strides I have taken to get to this place in life. I think it was just all wasted time and energy,

Life has never been easy. We try to make the most of it and smile and grim and die on the inside. People lie about this word called love. In my book, that is a word of foreign origin. I myself can not say that I have ever experienced this thing called love, not from birth nor till now. Then how can you miss or relate to something so foreign as the word love/ Can't miss what you never had is the saying, but that is false too. People long to be loved and cared for. A place to be who they are with no attached expectations other than just acceptance.

Please excuse me for talking out of character today, but I have got to get it out of me, and here is the only place I have to say what I feel. My energy levels are diminishing; my resilience is decreasing, and the desire to say the h....l with it.

I had the scariest dream last night. I woke up shaking and so scared. I was in this dark place, but there were others there that I could not see. I needed to build me a stairway to climb out of this dark place, and I was told by someone in that dark place that I would have to build my own steps to get out. So, as I began to start building my steps, some man grabbed me and pulled me back into this dark place, and I was fighting and trying to make him let me go. I woke up in a sweat, and my heart was racing. I refused to lay down after that. The body gets tired of these types of things happening and the inability to sleep like normal people, all because someone screwed us up. Life sentence.

Boy, oh boy, do I get upset when I feel like I am being made to sound stupid. I tried not to let stuff get under my skin here on the site. I know I have my own issues and flaws. Then, someone who is supposed to be compassionate and empathic says stuff in a way that does not sound nice at all. Yet, to be bigger and not get in a tiff with them, I clamp down when I really want to cuss. We are supposed to work together and be considerate, but I find none in the way you say what you feel without any filters. I don't want to let one person cause me to leave this site. Maybe I am just too sensitive about stuff like this. Maybe the fact that I don't feel well already has escalated my emotions. But I am real *** right now 🔥

@WorkingitThrough2 It's hard sometimes to hold your tongue when someone does this. You're not being too sensitive - if it hurts or upsets you I'm sure there's a good reason you feel that way. If you can - maybe limit how much you talk to this person? Especially if it has happened before or if it keeps happening. Some people just don't know how to talk to people politely or with respect and they don't know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes and think how they would feel if it was done to them 😕

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Soul, I bet you know who it is. They don't respond promptly and then have the audacity to have an attitude, or what sounds like one to me. This is not the first time but I am not going to keep biting my tongue and *** up. For the sake of Peace. You know this is my only outlet and yes I would be upset to no longer have this interaction, BUT???? I see this post got edited some. That was not my exact wording.

@WorkingitThrough2 Oh yep yep! As soon as I read your first sentence. I knew. I know exactly what you mean too. There's a tone. I have to say though - thank God it's not me that picks up on it. I thought it was just me being difficult. I think you may have witnessed an exchange or two between the us

@mytwistedsoul

OOh, you are so right. I know we all have baggage, but how you unpack your ish...is very important, and how you say what you say really really makes a difference. One thing is that I know I saw a particular name in roles, and then I was told they were not, and I know what I saw. I don't see the name there anymore, so they must be gone. Don't make me look stupid. We have a tendency to have a sharp tongue. That eventually is going to cause a problem. These are the kinds of things that need to be addressed. Our tone of what we say to others.

@WorkingitThrough2 It does make a huge difference. Especially if you're in a position where you should set a good example and they should be approachable. And with having trauma - certain things can be more triggering than others. Some people just don't seem to like to give some details or there's an attitude of this is the way it is and there's no room for compromise

@WorkingitThrough2

You are right no reason @mytwistedsoul

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ How are you? You've been in my thoughts lately so I wanted to check in *leaves hugs* ❤️😊

@mytwistedsoul

Hi Soul,I am so so. still got this lingering cold, which is better but not gone. It gets worse at night or if I go out into the air. I think I am letting all this stuff get the best of me. Seems like every time I try to get involved here, I get attacked physically or mentally. So I stepped back and am just been kind of shying away as It feels I am getting sicker with something medically wrong. My headaches and lack of ability to sleep have not helped, and upper back pains constantly. Thanks for checking. I have been working on a new Dollhouse. I will post a picture in the Arts and Crafts Forums when finished.

@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm sorry to hear you're still not feeling better 😞 I don't think it's one of things where you're "letting" things get to you. You're doing your best that you can in certain situations. It's just been ongoing for awhile. With things with your husband - the stuff with the grandkids and even here. There's alot of stress going on for you. It's totally ok to take a step back if you need to. To just take it easy and focus on you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

You are on my mind, and I had to stop and check on you. You are always supporting us; now it's my turn to see how things are going for you. You have a lot on your plate as well. How is the dog doing? My dog is getting old and has a lot of medical issues going on as well. It is so hard to see them declining. Max is 14 years old, how old is yours? Then you have your dad, who is very ill or terminal. That is a lot. 

How are you holding up? You are a mighty good friend to me, and I want you to know that I have your back now. I am here if you need to vent or just talk. I am keeping you in my prayers🙏🏽daily❤️

@WorkingitThrough2 This is so sweet of you. Thank you ❤️ I really do appreciate checking in. I'm - angry all the time lately it seems. Alot of stress - feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. The dog is - not so good. I never realized Max was an older guy too. 😞 Taz is about the same age as Max. I'm sorry to hear he has medical issues going on too. Taz can't be left alone for more than a few minutes. I usually have the neighbor sit with her on days i need to go out. When she sleeps I get done what chores I can but she doesn't sleep long. I catch naps here and there but it's wearing me down. Sunday she had a breathing issue. It took a while to get everyone on the same page with what's best but - I'm afraid to say that final goodbye. She's my family

@mytwistedsoul

No need to thank me. I am your friend and this is what friends do. I still have this cold, it gets better then it blows up again. Had to get more cold medicine and drink my hot tardy. Max has breathing issues, too, and does a lot of sleeping. I bought him some Hemp drops from Amazon they help him to sleep better. Max has Arthritis really bad. I have to pick him up to go up or down steps. He gets real restless and can not sleep, he just stares into space as if he is in a trance We love them so much and it is heartbreaking to see them decline.

Then knowing your dad is going to be leaving, you are both very, very hard things. You have every right to feel angry. I understand that well, and It is so hard. I don't think we ever get prepared for that. I am here with you❤️❤️