My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I'm sorry you missed it but I do understand the time. I have a few alarms set to make sure I don't miss it myself
Oh no! I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Tea with honey might help your throat and cough. Zinc is good too 🙂 *sends healing vibes and lots of hugs* I hope you feel better soon ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
You know I got this from the great grans over the weekend. all of them had colds and I of all people got it. Fixing onions, tea, honey, sage, and lemon for a hot tea to drink. I was not around them that much but I kept telling my daughter if the kids are sick don't bring them. In one ear and out the other. Exactly why she needs her own place to live. It seems as if she does not care if I get sick. I keep telling them that I have a weak immune system and can't be exposed to stuff.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm sorry to hear she brought them to visit when they were sick. That's really inconsiderate and thoughtless of her. A visit would have been much nicer for everyone if they weren't sick. Even if you were around them much you were still exposed to germs - especially if they were all sick *smh* that really sucks. I hope you can take time to rest - I know you've been struggling with sleep too and that doesn't help your immune system either ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I don't understand why my health is not important to her, makes me wonder if she is trying to bump me off🤔. Word rang in my head of something she said when I asked a question of what is the worst thing you can say to a person and her reply was that you are worth more to me deceased than alive. Wow, that blew me away. All the COVID and flu stuff she has brought home from her job or her church.
I am running a fever and have been up all night. I did get a few hours of sleep. Made me a tartd to drink and but it slam up on the stove. sitting here sweating and my nose running. going to get off here and see what else I can find to take,
Thanks for checking in on me❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 That is definitely a horrible thing to say to someone. I hope it wasn't something that she gave alot of thought in regards towards you. I mean I really hope she wasn't serious. This is a totally out of line question and I don't need the answer - does she inherit the house? I feel terrible even thinking that way. I hope it's just that she's being inconsiderate rather than trying to make you sick. It's disappointing because she knows - I hope - all the things you're dealing with just with your husband alone. That's more than enough stress for anyone. I know they're your grandkids but she should have really given some thought to your health. You're already feeling bad because of the trouble with your neck and headaches - now being sick with a fever and cold on top 😞 Its just really inconsiderate of her
@mytwistedsoul
Yes she does inherit the house🤔. She and her son also get the insurance. My daughter is so much like her dad, that we often bump heads. You know I lost my son so I probably take a lot from her that I might not have if she was not my only child.
I am feeling much better today, no fever😊. Since I have not been able to sleep, I started building a doll house out of some empty boxes. Something to take my mind off of stuff. I will give it to Hortence when I get finished and hope she likes it😊
How are you? and what are you up to? I really like talking to you and I am glad that you are my friend❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 I think that's understandable that you put up with more from her since the loss of your son. I'm so sorry you lost him. I can only imagine the heartbreak you felt ❤️
I'm glad the fever is gone and you're feeling better! It awesome that you're making a dollhouse for Hortence - I bet she'll love it! It does help to have things like that to do when we can't sleep. I'd love to see it when it's done! Only if you're comfortable sharing though ❤️
Thank you 😊 I really like talking with you too and I love having you as my friend *hugs* ❤️ much love to you ❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, this is the house for Hortence that I am making. Made it out of cardboard boxes😂
@WorkingitThrough2 This is so cool! You did a great job on this! There's little string lights upstairs isn't there? 😊 Has Hortence seen it yet? Does she like it?
@mytwistedsoul
She has not seen it yet, I am still working on perfecting it a bit more and putting the balcony on😊
@WorkingitThrough2 A balcony will be awesome and make it look even cooler! I really hope she likes her surprise! 😊❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Me too😂
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ How are you feeling?
@mytwistedsoul
Another event was done to my great-granddaughter a day ago. She is 8.**TW**, her almost-new dad acoustic. Her. The law was called, and nothing was done. What in the world is going on????
@WorkingitThrough2 Omg! I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't believe that the authorities didn't do anything. If it happened once - ya know?
The world has turned upside down and is heading in a really bad direction I'm afraid 😞
@mytwistedsoul
You are so right; what the heck is happening to people's minds? The brother that hurt my great grand has pulled a weapon on his mother. They let that kid out of the mental health hospital. I can't believe all this is happening.😒. I am trying to stay as busy as I can so the brain can't think about all this mess. We sent for her dad and he is here with us and my great grand.
Content advisory
This is where I am today, in the pit of discouragement. I keep trying to shake stuff off, but things keep popping up. I can't seem to catch a breath of fresh air. I try to be happy and engaging and try to keep my mind on positive stuff, but for what? You can not seem to maintain that state of mind today. Everything seems so turned upside down, and like I really don't belong here, in this world, at this time. Kind of feels like the universe played some cruel joke at my expense. I am sure that I probably would not be missed if I were not here. Nevertheless, the world and the things in the world will continue, and if we can't find ways to adjust, then we will get run over and left for dead.
I can not see the positive in this. Faking till you make it is a joke. Who does that help? Not me; maybe others get the pleasure of you *** up to them to make them feel special. I sit here at this computer, and I wonder where is the happiness and fulfilling life that should have been a product of my life for the endurance and the strides I have taken to get to this place in life. I think it was just all wasted time and energy,
Life has never been easy. We try to make the most of it and smile and grim and die on the inside. People lie about this word called love. In my book, that is a word of foreign origin. I myself can not say that I have ever experienced this thing called love, not from birth nor till now. Then how can you miss or relate to something so foreign as the word love/ Can't miss what you never had is the saying, but that is false too. People long to be loved and cared for. A place to be who they are with no attached expectations other than just acceptance.
Please excuse me for talking out of character today, but I have got to get it out of me, and here is the only place I have to say what I feel. My energy levels are diminishing; my resilience is decreasing, and the desire to say the h....l with it.
I had the scariest dream last night. I woke up shaking and so scared. I was in this dark place, but there were others there that I could not see. I needed to build me a stairway to climb out of this dark place, and I was told by someone in that dark place that I would have to build my own steps to get out. So, as I began to start building my steps, some man grabbed me and pulled me back into this dark place, and I was fighting and trying to make him let me go. I woke up in a sweat, and my heart was racing. I refused to lay down after that. The body gets tired of these types of things happening and the inability to sleep like normal people, all because someone screwed us up. Life sentence.
Boy, oh boy, do I get upset when I feel like I am being made to sound stupid. I tried not to let stuff get under my skin here on the site. I know I have my own issues and flaws. Then, someone who is supposed to be compassionate and empathic says stuff in a way that does not sound nice at all. Yet, to be bigger and not get in a tiff with them, I clamp down when I really want to cuss. We are supposed to work together and be considerate, but I find none in the way you say what you feel without any filters. I don't want to let one person cause me to leave this site. Maybe I am just too sensitive about stuff like this. Maybe the fact that I don't feel well already has escalated my emotions. But I am real *** right now 🔥
@WorkingitThrough2 It's hard sometimes to hold your tongue when someone does this. You're not being too sensitive - if it hurts or upsets you I'm sure there's a good reason you feel that way. If you can - maybe limit how much you talk to this person? Especially if it has happened before or if it keeps happening. Some people just don't know how to talk to people politely or with respect and they don't know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes and think how they would feel if it was done to them 😕
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul, I bet you know who it is. They don't respond promptly and then have the audacity to have an attitude, or what sounds like one to me. This is not the first time but I am not going to keep biting my tongue and *** up. For the sake of Peace. You know this is my only outlet and yes I would be upset to no longer have this interaction, BUT???? I see this post got edited some. That was not my exact wording.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh yep yep! As soon as I read your first sentence. I knew. I know exactly what you mean too. There's a tone. I have to say though - thank God it's not me that picks up on it. I thought it was just me being difficult. I think you may have witnessed an exchange or two between the us
@mytwistedsoul
OOh, you are so right. I know we all have baggage, but how you unpack your ish...is very important, and how you say what you say really really makes a difference. One thing is that I know I saw a particular name in roles, and then I was told they were not, and I know what I saw. I don't see the name there anymore, so they must be gone. Don't make me look stupid. We have a tendency to have a sharp tongue. That eventually is going to cause a problem. These are the kinds of things that need to be addressed. Our tone of what we say to others.
@WorkingitThrough2 It does make a huge difference. Especially if you're in a position where you should set a good example and they should be approachable. And with having trauma - certain things can be more triggering than others. Some people just don't seem to like to give some details or there's an attitude of this is the way it is and there's no room for compromise
@WorkingitThrough2
You are right no reason @mytwistedsoul
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ How are you? You've been in my thoughts lately so I wanted to check in *leaves hugs* ❤️😊
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul,I am so so. still got this lingering cold, which is better but not gone. It gets worse at night or if I go out into the air. I think I am letting all this stuff get the best of me. Seems like every time I try to get involved here, I get attacked physically or mentally. So I stepped back and am just been kind of shying away as It feels I am getting sicker with something medically wrong. My headaches and lack of ability to sleep have not helped, and upper back pains constantly. Thanks for checking. I have been working on a new Dollhouse. I will post a picture in the Arts and Crafts Forums when finished.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm sorry to hear you're still not feeling better 😞 I don't think it's one of things where you're "letting" things get to you. You're doing your best that you can in certain situations. It's just been ongoing for awhile. With things with your husband - the stuff with the grandkids and even here. There's alot of stress going on for you. It's totally ok to take a step back if you need to. To just take it easy and focus on you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
You are on my mind, and I had to stop and check on you. You are always supporting us; now it's my turn to see how things are going for you. You have a lot on your plate as well. How is the dog doing? My dog is getting old and has a lot of medical issues going on as well. It is so hard to see them declining. Max is 14 years old, how old is yours? Then you have your dad, who is very ill or terminal. That is a lot.
How are you holding up? You are a mighty good friend to me, and I want you to know that I have your back now. I am here if you need to vent or just talk. I am keeping you in my prayers🙏🏽daily❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 This is so sweet of you. Thank you ❤️ I really do appreciate checking in. I'm - angry all the time lately it seems. Alot of stress - feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. The dog is - not so good. I never realized Max was an older guy too. 😞 Taz is about the same age as Max. I'm sorry to hear he has medical issues going on too. Taz can't be left alone for more than a few minutes. I usually have the neighbor sit with her on days i need to go out. When she sleeps I get done what chores I can but she doesn't sleep long. I catch naps here and there but it's wearing me down. Sunday she had a breathing issue. It took a while to get everyone on the same page with what's best but - I'm afraid to say that final goodbye. She's my family
@mytwistedsoul
No need to thank me. I am your friend and this is what friends do. I still have this cold, it gets better then it blows up again. Had to get more cold medicine and drink my hot tardy. Max has breathing issues, too, and does a lot of sleeping. I bought him some Hemp drops from Amazon they help him to sleep better. Max has Arthritis really bad. I have to pick him up to go up or down steps. He gets real restless and can not sleep, he just stares into space as if he is in a trance We love them so much and it is heartbreaking to see them decline.
Then knowing your dad is going to be leaving, you are both very, very hard things. You have every right to feel angry. I understand that well, and It is so hard. I don't think we ever get prepared for that. I am here with you❤️❤️
It's early morning, and the system is busy. Everyone wants to do something different, and it is always late at night. Maybe because we are all afraid of the night. I went out on the deck, wrapped up in a blanket, and sat on my swing, and we just gazed at the sky.
This deep darkness, with just a hint of light that, helps illuminate the stars. The light from the moon radiates a mystical, smoky grayness about the sky. The birds are not as vociferous as usual. I sit here, and my warm blanket is wrapped snugly around my shoulders as the silent wind brushes against my face with a trace of coolness.
I sit here looking and listening. Watching for anything lurking in the distance. Every sound stirs up a fear a panic from yesteryear. I remember taking a deep breath, hoping to persuade myself that all is well. The brain is unaccepting of those words or thoughts.
Run in out of the cold, lock your doors, and flee this place. Flight response now has control. System alert sounds the alarm we all must run and hide till the daylight last does break through. Weeping and turmoil wrestling within, I realize I am alone. No one here to hear our cries; all I hear are just lies;
me, them, and us. We must be tough. We must be strong. I am thunder hear my roar.
@WorkingitThrough2
@mytwistedsoul
I believe the person has found this site that I said happened to my great-grand telling their side😠.
I can't respond TW. I think they were already here not sure🤔 Keep eyes open and watchful.
@WorkingitThrough2 I know which one you're referring to. I saw it earlier today but never connected the dots. Start date was yesterday
Remember you're not alone here ok? I know it's hard to hold your tongue right now but sometimes we have to watch and wait. I've got your back 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Ok I got you❤️
it keeps getting better as long as you have hope. its all about hope!
I have been here since 2017, and I never saw a post that has triggered me as the one I saw.I am doing all I can to keep myself. My emotions are running away with me, and maybe for no reason. I blended with that post and now trying to figure out how to get me unblinded. I thought that I was further along in my healing journey than this. Is this my wake-up call back to reality? I don't know; all I know is the fear and the quivering in the bottom of my stomach, the shortness of breath, and my head is in a whirlwind. I am safe, I am safe, and these emotions are from the past. Get busy and find stuff to concentrate on. Get your mindset on something I enjoy, but what is that? I will most likely muck it up if I try right now, cause the headspace is so messed up right now.
@WorkingitThrough2 *offers safe hugs* I'm so sorry that post has triggered you 😞 I think it's understandable that you're having trouble with your emotions for a number of reasons. There's probably a lot of mixed feelings and mixed thoughts about what you saw plus it's bringing up things from the past
Times like this maybe you have coloring books you could do? Or a video game you could play? They're both distractions that don't require a lot of effort or thought. Plus they can help you relax and hopefully calm down alittle ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, Soul, It is just so so much, feels like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Now all I want to do is just sleep. and hope that the nightmares don't come, Even Max knows something is not right he is hanging close to Mommy. And that gives me some comfort. Soul, there are times I just don't want him in my space. I know that sounds cruel, but it is true.
I am not here looking for pity or validation but because I am broken, trying to put the pieces of my life together in some form that I can live with myself. No lying or distortions, just the raw me. Seems every time I think I am ready to fly, something comes along and clips my wings. Will I ever be able to fly or soar to new heights? Or is this *** of turmoil all I can receive from the universe?
This is not the story I would have written for myself. This is being shoved at me😒
@WorkingitThrough2 Max can probably sense your fear and anxiety and apprehension. I can understand not wanting him in your space - especially right now. It could be because you feel so raw right now. Or it could be because THIS at cups is your safe space and maybe you feel as though it was invaded by that person? Which is understandable to me
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks😢
@WorkingitThrough2
Still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it feels like someone is dribbling a ball inside me. I feel so disconnected from myself. I have therapy today, and I feel really apprehensive about going. If I did not give a 24-hour notice before being charged, I would cancel. No, I would not. I just don't want to talk. I wish I could understand my fear and anxiety better. I wish I could understand why I can't get my brain and heart to connect or agree.
When I look back over my life, I can not remember ever being happy about this life. Yes, thankful for life, but just not my own. I have accepted things just for the sake of feeling protected, which I convinced myself was true, but it was not. Time is winding up, and I am no closer to the answers than when I began this journey. I have merely existed in the world. I seem to intimidate people for some reason, and I don't know why. I was told that my education gets in my way, which makes no sense. Am I supposed to be stupid? So many feelings inside that I can not express. Well what is the point anyway.
@WorkingitThrough2 Maybe going today can help get some of it out. Even to just vent. I've found that sometimes when I feel least like talking - that's when I have the most to say. Maybe it just takes the right questions? Sometimes I just don't want to hear it. I don't want to acknowledge it. Saying it out loud - maybe opens a door. I'm not sure if it even makes sense
"Your education gets in your way" For whoever said that - yes it was in their way. I don't think that they wanted you stupid but maybe ignorant? Then you wouldn't know any better and would be more willing and accepting of the ways? Your education had opened your eyes
*sending you strength and much love* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
After being unable to sleep all night thinking about therapy, the night before, I never sleep. 30 minutes before leaving home to see her, I got a phone call from her office canceling the appointment until Wednesday. I was all dressed and ready to go out the door. They call every week and send an email reminder that we have 24 hours to cancel our appointment or be charged the Therapist full price. They can cancel at the last minute, and that is ok because there is nothing we can do about it. This kind of stuff pisses me off. Everyone seems to have more control over us than we do. Of course, I already did not want to go, but I made myself go because I
Then I also kind of got in trouble with a post reply, and I meant no harm, but anyway, I am learning needed to go. So much for that. That some rules are to be used differently than the other rules that govern the site. I was only trying to correct a misunderstanding, But I should not have done that.
Sometimes it seems as though things are so inside down or not as they appear. And I am too stupid to see the difference. I don't like confusion, and one of my downfalls is to try to make it right so no one feels like they are the but of stuff.