My Silent Voice (Diary)

It's early morning, and the system is busy. Everyone wants to do something different, and it is always late at night. Maybe because we are all afraid of the night. I went out on the deck, wrapped up in a blanket, and sat on my swing, and we just gazed at the sky.

This deep darkness, with just a hint of light that, helps illuminate the stars. The light from the moon radiates a mystical, smoky grayness about the sky. The birds are not as vociferous as usual. I sit here, and my warm blanket is wrapped snugly around my shoulders as the silent wind brushes against my face with a trace of coolness.

I sit here looking and listening. Watching for anything lurking in the distance. Every sound stirs up a fear a panic from yesteryear. I remember taking a deep breath, hoping to persuade myself that all is well. The brain is unaccepting of those words or thoughts. 

Run in out of the cold, lock your doors, and flee this place. Flight response now has control. System alert sounds the alarm we all must run and hide till the daylight last does break through. Weeping and turmoil wrestling within, I realize I am alone. No one here to hear our cries; all I hear are just lies;

me, them, and us. We must be tough. We must be strong. I am thunder hear my roar.

@WorkingitThrough2

@mytwistedsoul

I believe the person has found this site that I said happened to my great-grand telling their side😠.

I can't respond TW. I think they were already here not sure🤔 Keep eyes open and watchful.

@WorkingitThrough2 I know which one you're referring to. I saw it earlier today but never connected the dots. Start date was yesterday

Remember you're not alone here ok? I know it's hard to hold your tongue right now but sometimes we have to watch and wait. I've got your back 💙

@mytwistedsoul

Ok I got you❤️

it keeps getting better as long as you have hope. its all about hope!

I have been here since 2017, and I never saw a post that has triggered me as the one I saw.I am doing all I can to keep myself. My emotions are running away with me, and maybe for no reason. I blended with that post and now trying to figure out how to get me unblinded. I thought that I was further along in my healing journey than this. Is this my wake-up call back to reality? I don't know; all I know is the fear and the quivering in the bottom of my stomach, the shortness of breath, and my head is in a whirlwind. I am safe, I am safe, and these emotions are from the past. Get busy and find stuff to concentrate on. Get your mindset on something I enjoy, but what is that? I will most likely muck it up if I try right now, cause the headspace is so messed up right now.

@WorkingitThrough2 *offers safe hugs* I'm so sorry that post has triggered you 😞 I think it's understandable that you're having trouble with your emotions for a number of reasons. There's probably a lot of mixed feelings and mixed thoughts about what you saw plus it's bringing up things from the past

Times like this maybe you have coloring books you could do? Or a video game you could play? They're both distractions that don't require a lot of effort or thought. Plus they can help you relax and hopefully calm down alittle ❤️ 

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks, Soul, It is just so so much, feels like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Now all I want to do is just sleep. and hope that the nightmares don't come, Even Max knows something is not right he is hanging close to Mommy. And that gives me some comfort. Soul, there are times I just don't want him in my space. I know that sounds cruel, but it is true.

I am not here looking for pity or validation but because I am broken, trying to put the pieces of my life together in some form that I can live with myself. No lying or distortions, just the raw me. Seems every time I think I am ready to fly, something comes along and clips my wings. Will I ever be able to fly or soar to new heights? Or is this *** of turmoil all I can receive from the universe?

This is not the story I would have written for myself. This is being shoved at me😒

@WorkingitThrough2 Max can probably sense your fear and anxiety and apprehension. I can understand not wanting him in your space - especially right now. It could be because you feel so raw right now. Or it could be because THIS at cups is your safe space and maybe you feel as though it was invaded by that person? Which is understandable to me

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks😢

@WorkingitThrough2

Still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it feels like someone is dribbling a ball inside me. I feel so disconnected from myself. I have therapy today, and I feel really apprehensive about going. If I did not give a 24-hour notice before being charged, I would cancel. No, I would not. I just don't want to talk. I wish I could understand my fear and anxiety better. I wish I could understand why I can't get my brain and heart to connect or agree. 

When I look back over my life, I can not remember ever being happy about this life. Yes, thankful for life, but just not my own. I have accepted things just for the sake of feeling protected, which I convinced myself was true, but it was not. Time is winding up, and I am no closer to the answers than when I began this journey. I have merely existed in the world. I seem to intimidate people for some reason, and I don't know why. I was told that my education gets in my way, which makes no sense. Am I supposed to be stupid? So many feelings inside that I can not express. Well what is the point anyway.

@WorkingitThrough2 Maybe going today can help get some of it out. Even to just vent.  I've found that sometimes when I feel least like talking - that's when I have the most to say. Maybe it just takes the right questions? Sometimes I just don't want to hear it. I don't want to acknowledge it. Saying it out loud - maybe opens a door. I'm not sure if it even makes sense

"Your education gets in your way" For whoever said that - yes it was in their way. I don't think that they wanted you stupid but maybe ignorant? Then you wouldn't know any better and would be more willing and accepting of the ways? Your education had opened your eyes

*sending you strength and much love* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

After being unable to sleep all night thinking about therapy, the night before, I never sleep. 30 minutes before leaving home to see her, I got a phone call from her office canceling the appointment until Wednesday. I was all dressed and ready to go out the door. They call every week and send an email reminder that we have 24 hours to cancel our appointment or be charged the Therapist full price. They can cancel at the last minute, and that is ok because there is nothing we can do about it. This kind of stuff pisses me off. Everyone seems to have more control over us than we do. Of course, I already did not want to go, but I made myself go because I

Then I also kind of got in trouble with a post reply, and I meant no harm, but anyway, I am learning needed to go. So much for that. That some rules are to be used differently than the other rules that govern the site. I was only trying to correct a misunderstanding, But I should not have done that.

Sometimes it seems as though things are so inside down or not as they appear. And I am too stupid to see the difference. I don't like confusion, and one of my downfalls is to try to make it right so no one feels like they are the but of stuff.

@Mytwistedsoul

Are you ok?

@WorkingitThrough2 no - idk. He was supposed to get better. There was supposed to be more time to make things better. We hated him for years and idk. My head wants to blow up rn

thank you *hugs - I'm sorry

@mytwistedsoul

I am so sorry, but I am here for you💔

@mytwistedsoul

I know this is a hard time for you right now. I am at a loss for words that would be comforting to you right now. The struggle is real, and so many things are going through your mind now. The bottled-up emotions from years past and now the compassion of letting go of the remorse that was once there.

That has been a major progress step into your healing process. We don't know why things happen as or when they do.  God's ways may not make sense to us but we have to trust that he knows best.

Just knowing you did your best at a time when it was really needed . You did that and feel proud that you did. You will be able to close this chapter of the book on a good note. No disrespect intended.

You could not keep being driven and compelled to keep up that pace of being there and at home and the things going on with the dog. It is and was to much. Please be gentle with yourself. I am here for you. I hope I have not said anything out of pocket to make this harder for you. You are my friend and I am speaking from my heart.

@WorkingitThrough2 My dear friend ❤️ nothing you said was out of pocket at all. I can't tell you how grateful I am for you and your kindness and thoughtful words. Thank you - with all of my heart - thank you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

I just got a call that they found my Sister unresponsive this morning, and now she is gone. Although I got adopted away from them, they had been making some effort to contact me in my old age, mostly for money. We did share some moments of conversation. But with me having no family, I accepted any relationship I could get. I feel really bad that I don't feel any grief. Am I so dead and unfeeling? I could not even feel emotions when my son died or was killed.

How is your situation going?

@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. It's nice they were making an effort but it's sad that it was mostly for money. I know what you mean about accepting what relationships you could get and I'm sorry you do this too. Try not to feel too bad and try not to be too hard on yourself because you're not feeling grief. Maybe you're suppressing it? I know you struggle with alexithymia too. So it maybe it could be a combination of things? Your son - I'm so sorry for what happened to him. It must have been very traumatic for you

The situation here is bleak. I'm currently sitting about an hour away from my father's house. I'm going to visit tomorrow. I have all these thoughts and some are incredibly sad but mostly I'm just numb. Alot of rapid switching going on the past few days *offers safe hugs* 

@mytwistedsoul

 Hi, so sorry that I dumped my ish.. in your lap along with the things that you are going through.  That was very inconsiderate on my part, and I am sorry. Things can change so quickly. My dog is beginning to have breathing issues, and I am afraid to board him when I go out of town. I would hate many myself if 

anything happen while I am away.

@WorkingitThrough2 Please don't be sorry for sharing what's going on in your world. You're a dear sweet friend and friends share these things ❤️ I want to know. I care alot about you

@mytwistedsoul

Max has a collapsing trachea. which is a common problem with this breed. My other two had this to..

I can't believe how today's chat room mess went. I was an hour early, waiting, then waiting some more, and when I finally clicked back, you said you were closing. What happened? Today, I really needed to be in that session, and I still missed it. i saw your response that you were waiting for a gatekeeper

@WorkingitThrough2 I was just thinking about you. ❤️ That has to be so scary when it happens to Max. I always thought he's so cute ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Hi, Soul. There is such a mess going on with my birth family over my sister's death. Lies being told and fussing about her husband having not been home to help her. Which he had to go bury his sister. Well, the family thinks he should have taken her with him. I disagree with them and am trying to get them to see this man must be in a lot of pain 2 death right together. Now he and his grandson are packing up to move out of the house and go to where the body is being shipped. The Uhaul is more than they have, and they have not found a place to live if he does get the Uhaul Plus with all this death, I would be afraid for him to try to drive the Uhaul anyway. Now I find out the man has no driver's license, and he can't get anyone to sign the Uhaul paper for him, which I would not want to do either. The arrangements can not be made until he gets there. He is trying to do too much before the funeral. I know that they can only keep them out for so long. I have to make arrangements to catch a flight, which I can do till they set the date. This family of mine is illiterate and drunks, and they can not read or write worth anything, so I have been doing a lot here on my computer and emailing it to them. I on the other hand was brought up by my adopted family and did not live in that type of environment, But it was abusive. A neighbor took me to meet my birth family I was 15 and had big hopes that my mom would be so happy I found her and she would take me in her arms and just love me. That did not happen we the daughters, became victims of her men. I ran away after SA, and I wound up being pregnant. Then my birth mom had no more to do with me pretty much, and my adopted mom would not take me in so I had to be on the streets for a while, sleeping where I could and getting assaulted by other men just because I was on the streets with nowhere to go. No prenatal care, no doctor visits just a stray. So I never have got to bond with this family, but even in all the mess they do I just want to belong. I know this sounds so crazy but I long to know my birth family,

Too much on my heart right now and I .......... My husband has got to have stents put in his legs on the 6th, and I have to take him. He also has the bills bouncing like Goodyear Rubber and is not sure the mortgage is going to clear. The bath company got us for a thousand dollars, and I have been filing reports and trying to get the money back with no success.

I know this is a lot to read but I needed to talk to someone.

@WorkingitThrough2 It definitely sounds like you're in the middle of a mess 😞 Its so hard when there are lies being told about things and you have to sift through them to try and find the kernels of truth. Yo have them laying this at his feet - had he been there or taken her with - the pain and guilt he must feel. His trying to attend to his sister's passing and then to lose his wife. It really shows the good heart and soul you have that you're trying to get them to see from his side. Unfortunately they don't want to see it. At least not now - idk maybe they will in time. For his sake I hope they do

Sitting here thinking about how the day went and my ending conclusions for today. After a hard night and waking to night terrors, I just got up. The family has been calling off and on for the last few days since my sister died. Now I really see why I went Awall, Yet I so desperately want to have a family that I can feel accepted and loved. I hunger for a family, and yet the only time I hear from them mostly is when they need my help or advice or money. For me, that is not enough. Then, with a dysfunctional family

I know I should just let go, but I can't. Seems the more I try to be a part of them, the further I slip away. My child does not even know them. My mother only saw my child three times and my daughter. is a grown woman. Two mothers and two dads one got killed before I got to meet him. 

I am so conflicted about how I should feel, what I really feel, and making sense of it all. I wish I could talk to my own daughter or husband about what I feel and about the life that I have had to live, but no one cares, and what is the point at this late stage of my life? I am hurting so much on the inside, but I try ever so hard not to let it show up on the outside. I try to let it all go, but it keeps being triggered regardless of how I try to put it behind me. I have tried so very hard to do all the things that are supposed to help us let go of the past, but it never goes away. I am emotionally dead inside, and it is not how I want to be. A human hug or A real I love you is basically all I wanted. Now I feel like That has been an unrealistic fantasy. Maybe they or my mom was right. I don't deserve to breathe God's air and unworthy of being loved. I don't know why or what I did to have this be my plight in life. I have worked so hard to be this goody two shoe, as my mom called me, only because I know what pain and unacceptance can feel like. If I can help someone, then I do, but then it comes back to bite my but. I don't understand this society we live in. We are so out of the element on this earth. Time is running out, and my struggle is still all so raw. Nothing seems to make rational sense.

Maybe I am just to far gone for change. lier lier pants on fire, let us come out let us handle this mess you made of your life and ours. you keep us behind the shadows and you don't listen to us that's your fault it is it is. shut the f.... up you shut up right now. no listen me no listen. bye bye

https://youtu.be/Bvelo1gMybs?si=pB8jb9LEnfikCXw9

TW*****Death

It has been one week since the passing of my sister, and no arrangements have been made yet. Fussing and lying and just plain chaos. Found out she has no insurance. Now we have to decide how to come up with money. Found out the body never shipped.

@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️ How are you? Could you maybe do a go fund me? 

@mytwistedsoul

Hi Soul, Her daughter did a *** page a few days after she passed. Nobody  Still has not put anything in it. My other sister called me last night and said it was just a $100.00 put in it. Plus, the body has not been shipped home. It is now two weeks or more. The funeral home is going by her husband's wishes. But he has no money to bury her.  The family is all on government funds, and they have no money that they are not drinking up and partying on. I will not do this alone when I think about how I have always been the outside child. Only sister or only part of their family when they need help. I have helped almost every one of them be buried, even the birth mom. Yet I am the reject.

I could kick my own, but for trying so hard to find a place in their lives. There are 4 of us left, and only one has been trying to connect with me. I got to raise that one till my mom said she did not need my help raising her kids. I backed off and took off on my own at 17. Still a kid myself.With no one being there for me. That was so hard and I am still doing the same thing.

Yet I feel bad about not stepping up to the plate on this but then the other parts of me say the H....with it. But the conflict in my head is like a war massive turmoil going on. Am I right or wrong?

@WorkingitThrough2 Honestly? I don't see anything wrong with not stepping up. I mean I understand not stepping up makes you feel bad. I would feel bad too. To me it would be different if they came and said hey we have x amount of dollars we put together would you be able to chip in or contribute this amount? I just get the impression that they're assuming or maybe taking advantage of your kind heart. You've already done a great deal by gathering information for them and emailing it. I remember you said in an earlier reply about there were lies. Could they be lying about not having the money? Doesn't DHS have assistance for funerals? Idk. To play devil's advocate - who gets the funds? Is it paid directly to the funeral home? Because who's to say what happens if you send a check or wire money. I know funerals aren't cheap and that would be a heck of a check to get in the mail. Unless you pay the home directly? Idk - the fact that they're more into partying and drinking says alot. Makes it seem like they've never had to be responsible for much because someone else will take care of it. Seems weird that they only got 100.00 on whatever platform they used. 

@mytwistedsoul 

Soul, you make good points, and they are so right on. All the calls have stopped, and now just the silent treatment. I sent a cash app to the daughter that she must have used for herself. I am backing out of giving any more help. I am going to let them handle it. I am done. My oldest sister is about 75, and I have never had a call from her or a visit. I let her live with me once, and she stole all my son and my clothes. All we had was what was on our backs. She mailed our clothes to her family out of state. I have never forgotten that, and she can never stay with me ever. I have been asked to let her come stay with me, but that will never be an option for her ever. Talking about biting the hand of the one trying to feed you.

I will focus on the one that keeps in contact. Thank you.

@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I wanted to wish you a happy birthday 😊 Hopefully I got the date right ❤️

Happy Birthday my dear friend ❤️ I hope you have the very best day ❤️ sending you loads of love and best wishes! ❤️🎈🎂🥳❤️

@mytwistedsoul

I just read about your dad; I am sending you lots of love and support. I am sorry for your loss.

@WorkingitThrough2 *sending hugs back* ❤️ Thank you ❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

How are you really doing???❤️

@WorkingitThrough2 I think we're alittle shell shocked. Two major losses in two weeks. Sometimes I feel ok and then nothing. Or there's a heavy sadness because it's gone - that relationship - that parental connection. But there's a lot of anger too. There's a lot of dissociation and time passes in chunks most days. There's nothing to show for the time. Everything is the bare minimum right now. Doesn't help there was attitude from someone today - won't mention any names of course but I know you'll have an idea of who lol

@mytwistedsoul

We still have no remains of my sister. It was said yesterday that her husband has her ashes in a box, and they are planning to rent a hall to drink and party, but it is supposed to be a Memorial. This stinks to high heaven. I will not be attending. 6 weeks going on 7 weeks

You mentioned two deaths in one week, who was the second one? I missed that one. Also, I had a strange encounter with them as well. Very unusual. So you are doing the chat today??