My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@WorkingitThrough2 You were in my thoughts today ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul, I am so glad you are here checking on me. It feels good to be in someone's thoughts.
Coming here is almost the only contact I have for conversation and venting. I feel so alone at home, so secluded and lonely; although my husband is here, it feels like he is missing in action. I rarely get a visitor; this is basically my only contact with the outside world. I can talk. I hate that it has taken the Medical profession so long to tell me I have DID finally. I am old now, and I don't think that help has come soon enough to help me make sense of or heal from what seems like my whole lifetime just to begin to understand what I have been telling them for so many years.
Yet I can not give up, making baby steps to accepting and trying to understand what I need to do and how to work with my twisted views about them and learning to understand why they are there and how they are slowly revealing themselves. So far, we have determined that I am currently aware of at least five insiders. I did not know I had a system, but my therapist said we would take it slow. I have been doing a lot of drawing pictures that I don't really draw, but Jamie draws pretty well, and he is 16. I won't call the names of the other two that I know cause they come front if I talk about them, so communication is still almost nonexistent. The nighttime is still very hard for me. At night, my insiders seem to get very busy and talkative. But it sounds like a mumble jumble with everyone trying to talk at once. It makes my head hurt.
Soul, do you have a system? How do you work with them? How are the chickens? I got pecked in the forehead by a rooster who smelled my fear, I guess.
Say, do you know what happened to Nonethewiser?
@WorkingitThrough2 Unfortunately it can take a long time to get diagnosed. Often it gets misdiagnosed. When we finally fo get a definite diagnosis - we deny it. It's hard to accept. I had a hard time accepting it. Which to answer your question - yes I do have a system. We are a system of 14. But the therapist thinks there are more. I thought I was losing my mind. For the longest time I felt totally alone with what I was dealing with - until I came here and met a few people. Then the chats started and it was like there was a break in the clouds. I found people who understood what I was dealing with
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for being willing to answer my questions. I told my therapist I felt I was losing my mind. All so very new, and learning how to move about and being real about my disbelief has made a bad impact on their response to me. That old therapist was no help. She did a worse job than me😂training and all.
I made FS today😊. I hope I can help bring some good things to the table for our group. I have to do one check-in post every week. Got any suggestions????? I am open
@WorkingitThrough2 You're welcome. ❤️ It never hurts to ask questions. They do get affected by our disbelief and by the some of the things we say about the situation. I learned that the hard way myself. They just want to be heard. They want someone to know they exist. Unfortunately not all therapists believe DID exists or they just don't understand. And it can really cause serious setbacks
@mytwistedsoul
thanks❤️
@mytwistedsoulI got to go out of state tonight will be back in a few days
@WorkingitThrough2 Have a safe trip! ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I am back, My trip was ok. Went to my Great granddaughter's Christening.
How are you doing?
@WorkingitThrough2 Welcome back! I'm glad your trip went ok. A christening sounds interesting. Is it similar to a baptism?
I'm doing ok. How are you? Have things gotten any better?
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul, how the heck are you?
Yes, it was like a baptismal, but they sprinkled the baby and prayed over her and the grandparents, Godmother, and Father as they dedicated the baby to God.
I am in and out of doing better😒. I am on an emotional roller coaster at the present time. Up and Down. Having a lot of nightmares here every night and wake myself up cussing at the voice or person in the dream. Very unusual for me when I am not a cusser. Sounds more like Thunder's behavior.
My therapist said the reason I feel so is because I am still living in a trauma atmosphere. I sure hope things taper off soon.🤔
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm ok thank you for asking. Well ok honestly some days I feel hopelessly lost and clueless about what I'm doing but I guess I'm ok with it lol
@mytwistedsoul
I am glad that you are Hosting again😊, Thank you for always being around and giving me supportive encouragement, You really rock in my world😊👏🏽
@WorkingitThrough2 Thank you 😊 You're very welcome ❤️ I think you're pretty awesome. And I admire you so much for how hard you've been trying to work through things. I'm happy to help in anyway that I can. I think you rock too! 😊❤️
@WorkingitThrough2Hey you :) Uh I have a potentially dumb question lol. You had a thread a few days ago about special talents and I didn't have time to reply when I saw it and now I can't find it 😞 Maybe I was looking in the wrong place?
@mytwistedsoul
LOL, Guess what I looked for it too and finally found it under a link in Dissociation sweetly tucked away. May I was not supposed to have done that. After going to the area behind the scenes, It said that only Audentia not sure how she spells her name was the only one who could post in the Dissociation area and that if we wanted to post something, we had to get her approval so I have left a message inquiring about it. Have not gotten a reply back as of yet.>😊 I don't even know how I found it>😂
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh wow! I've never heard of that happening before. I guess maybe it's because you're a forum supporter now? I'm glad you found it though! Hopefully it doesn't take long for you to hear back from her ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I just heard back, and she wants a link to it, but I have not found it again😂. So off I go on the HUNT.😂
@WorkingitThrough2 I found it! https://www.7cups.com/forum/trauma/DissociationRelatedDisorders_2335/Whathiddentalentiswithinyou_308350/
*Does happy dance*
@mytwistedsoul
great, I just found it too so maybe Audintia can fix it where it can come out of hiding 😂.
Do you think this a question that I should not be asking?
@WorkingitThrough2 I don't see anything wrong with asking it. It's sort of a way to get to know a little about everyone
It is 3{57 and I have not been able to sleep.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no I'm sorry to hear you couldn't sleep. Was there something going on inside? I know you're under a lot of stress with everything that's going on. I hope you were able to get a nap in - even if you just rested your eyes alittle * throws some sleepy dust around* ❤️
I have been warring with my husband about getting an email from the telephone company about our unpaid internet and cell phone bills. He kept declaring they were frauds and that the bill is paid, I called the phone company and let him hear the man say this is not a scam; you need to pay the bill/ He yelled and cussed at me and finally got up and left. For two days I talked to the phone company and explained he has Dementia and I can't reason with him. They gave me an extension until the 31st of the month. I told him they are going to cut our services off, and he just yelled and said let them cut the d....m service off.
For me, this is the only resource for communication I have. He has no family here, but he does, and him alone. I have tried to reach out to his family, but they want me to run to them, but they never come here. I have lived here since 1089, and they have visited me three times. I may be wrong, but I feel like I am not going to kiss but to be a friend or part of their family. He goes to visit them weekly, but my daughter and I are rarely asked. So not doing it anymore. They used to call the house to talk to him, but now they only call his cell phone.
I just went outside to try to calm down and did weeding in my flowerbed and trimmed the trees/ He never helps me do anything. It is as if I am single, or he thinks people are supposed to wait on him hand and foot. I am not the one . I want to light a fire under his a.....
I really think he is using his Dementia as a crutch to keep from having any accountability. Lord, please help me not to do something that I will regret🔥🔥🔥
@WorkingitThrough2 *offers safe hugs* I can only imagine your frustration. It would be scary knowing that if the bill doesn't get paid you lose contact with the outside world. I hope it gets resolved soon ❤️
Tbh I can't blame you for not wanting to kiss their butts to have them visit. The road goes both ways ya know? If they used to call the house but now they call his cell phone - do you think maybe he's said something to them to make them not want to visit or is it maybe just convenience? Like does his dementia make him a little delusional with his thoughts?
Are the women of his family like that - that they wait on others? Maybe that where he gets it from? Was he always like that or is it a new thing? I know people with dementia can have angry out bursts. Be safe ok? You are safe there aren't you? *sending you strength and much love* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Soul. Things did not get this way until we moved South with his family, and no, they use to call and come by occasionally. He was not the person he is at all. Whatever it is, he and his family have just plain old rejected my daughter, grandson, and myself. They use to call the house where they had to speak to me, and some would call and say can I speak to him, I told my husband to tell his family that that was very disrespectful. Their mother should have taught them that and for him to tell them to at least say hi, or dog kiss my foot. That is just good manners.
I think the cell phone is so they don't have to speak to me. I guess what I said for my husband to tell them made them mad. But I should not have had to tell him that. He should have said something to them.
The therapist said what he is doing is abusive, and she gave me some suggestions to let his doctor know the way he is acting because it is a sign that he is getting worse. His thinking is getting all messed up, and his ability to handle the bills now is becoming an issue. His speech is slurred, and he is struggling to make complete sentences. I don't know how much longer I can handle this if it is going to get worse, and the anger is part of it.
The women in his family are all deceased except for one, but all of them hang out together and be around each other; ContentAdvisory: Found out he slept with his sister. Yes, my husband did. The Minister is a churchgoer Sunday after Sunday. Trying to tell others how to live, and his life sucks.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry that they rejected you and your daughter and grandson. Your absolutely right - it is good manners to ask about you. Even if you wouldn't have answered the phone. You're a part of his life and it's something that I feel should asked about. Usually at the beginning of the conversation. I'm drawing on conversations I've had with my father. That hey how are you? How's this person and this person? And you're right - you shouldn't have had to say anything - he should have stood up for you himself
@mytwistedsoul
I wish I felt more compassion towards him, but all he has left me feeling over our 50 years is regret. Maybe because if you remember back when we got married, the Church put us together and made us marry even by telling them I did not love him, they would not allow us to date. I was just told you would grow to love him, which has never happened, and our Church doesn't believe in divorce. So I have made myself think that because a man is around me, I can be safe from any more abusers. However, I am not safe because he has no backbone to stand up for himself or me.
Now I am too old to want to try to start a new life alone. So I allowed someone else to make a decision that should have been mine to make that changed my life completely. That was my fault, and I am paying for it. In so many ways, I feel really guilty for how I feel about him and that I have used him for my own selfish gain. I have been absent or missing in action for the duration of the marriage, so I know he has needs, but I had needs too. All I think I really wanted was just a companion, never a husband and the wifely duties. I wonder if this is not God paying me back.
He is a pretty good provider for paying bills and keeping a roof over our heads, so I commend him for that.
@WorkingitThrough2 What selfish gain? You're struggling and you've been struggling for many years. If you were missing in action or absent in the marriage - so was he. There's more to marriage than just husband and wife duties. More than just paying bills and providing a roof. Friendship - comfort - companionship - laughter - romance - conversation and a number of other things I'm sure
@mytwistedsoul
You did not overstep your bounds, I want to thank you for saying all those things, and you are right, but in my head, I am the culprit. Yes, he adds a lot of baggage to the problem, and I guess that is what makes it even worse. I have left him so many times only to find out that I could not afford to keep a safe and cost-efficient home in a safe area, which always sent me back to him and our home. My fear of being victimized as I had been in the past always stays in my foremost consciousness. I am such a whisp, and I am afraid to be alone. So I suck up my pride and deal with the crap.
Now I am trying to tell others how to fix their lives. This makes me feel like a hypocrite😒
@WorkingitThrough2 I can understand that in your head you're the culprit. I'm the villain in my head too. A constant replay of all the mistakes made and all the wrong things done and said. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and for everything you're going through now. All the times you left and tried to do it on your own. Moving down south to his family isolated you. The fact that his family never really welcomed you in. It was probably hard to make friends or maybe he didn't think you needed them? You had no one to turn to - noone to help you. I can understand why you would have to return back to him but I'm sorry you had to
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts. How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
Hey there Soul, I am still here, been trying to tie up everything for this trip. My sleeping has gotten so dysregulated and my head is all over the place. I have got a very bad headache and may be in my feelings right now.
I tried to join the group chat yesterday but I was not able to stay got to feeling bad. I lay down and when I woke up, I had slept for 2 hours. but I have been up the rest of the night. Some of this stress may be coming from the fact that we are going to have to bring my husband on the trip, and he is one of the reasons I needed to take a trip. I have worked hard to find ways to not bring him but it all keeps boiling down to having him go. So I rented one of those cottages next to the resort my daughter and grand will be at. I am only going for a week. Packing for myself my husband, and my dog. Cleaning house and washing up everything and tempting out spoilable foods. You know the drill.
I am not a drinker but I could use one now, right now my stress levels are running high, and I feel like my emotions are kind of running wild.
My feelings are in hyper mode. The other day in the chat group I asked a question and no one responded I got offended and left the room. Only being a baby I guess. However, I asked for something else and got no response. Me being to temperamental right now, but it triggered that rejection feeling. It was nobody's fault just me and maybe Hortence acting out. I recognized it after I done it. I use to not participate in groups and I am really trying to change that but it is hard.
I feel like I am not doing well at being a Forum Supporter, I try to ask questions on things that are new or new ways of doing my job but as before I feel like I am missing the ship. I have done new ones but they have not been posted, Maybe because things have to get approved and I feel like I am adding more work to the Leader's rolls and I don't want to do that.😕
@WorkingitThrough2 I hope you have a good time despite him being with. It's definitely alot of work planning a trip like that. I wonder if that could be adding to not being able to sleep. With the stress of getting everything ready to go and having to take him with - that would definitely cause a lot of different emotions and it doesn't take much for them to become overwhelming
@mytwistedsoul
Hello: I got back Friday evening and still had that bad headache. 3 am Husband is taking me to the
emergency room. They gave me an IV and Benadryl and Phenergan said it was a migraine. I have had migraines before and this does not feel like that. My neck pops when I try to turn my head and I have to hold my head to lay back. They also did a scan of my head. However, the only thing that was different when they released me was I was drunk off the meds. Still in pain. Slept the rest of the day. I have an appointment with my doctor 17th, They want me to see a neurologist.
I did not really enjoy my vacation because of being in pain but I tried to make the most of it by joining in on the fun the best I could. We went to the mirror maze and that was fun, Both of my great grans ran head-first into the mirror and bounced back. It was so funny. We also went to the Escape Room and that was fun trying to find the clues to get out of the room in a certain amount of time.
We took a raft down the Lazy River with waterfalls and round and down we went. Also when we got to our rental home late that night I saw a Racoon in the back of my husband's pickup. It was not afraid of me and just watched me as I watched him.
Again I looked for my check=ins and they are not there. I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Must not be acceptable or what they are looking for.
@WorkingitThrough2 *hugs* welcome back ❤️ I'm so sorry to hear you still have a bad headache. I'm glad you went to the hospital though. I hope they figure out what's wrong with your neck and what's causing the headache. It sounds frustrating and scary because your neck shouldn't pop like that. I worry about you ❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 Just wanted to check in on you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks so much, Soul, I am having a really hard time with what has happened to my great-grandchild. He was just with us in Flordia. We just found out that his brother has been doing this to him for some time, but was being told he had better not tell. My daughter has gone back to Florida to get him and bring him here which is going to be problematic for me and my husband who does not like children.
The mental health professionals have taken the brother into their care for evaluation. and further investigation that boy is 12 but he has a different father. My daughter sent me a picture of my great-grandchild with his arm in a sling. He is 8 years old and should have never experienced this kind of abuse.
I am sorry that I posted that in the chat room, I was unaware that it could be triggering to someone else. I am so at a loss for what is brewing . Also just found out my husband has blown, off over 5,000 thousand dollars and has no clue what he spent it on. Soul, I am so tired of all this sh.....going on It seems to be no end to all the chaos. I can't seem to ground or get any type of relief. Insiders reaking habic. MY stress level is over the top.
@WorkingitThrough2 It's understandable that you're having a hard time with what happened to him. Especially with finding out it's been going on for a long time and that he was told not to tell. That's something we've both heard growing up and then with him being your great grandson - that makes it close to home for you. I'm so sorry this happened to him and that his older brother was the one that hurt him. Hopefully they figured out why he would do something like this
To Me, from WE
doing out-of-the-norm stuff. Sitting here with 3 cigarettes lit in an ashtray, What the heck am I doing?? Am I losing my grip on myself? I've got to take charge, No we got control, this is our ship and we ain't giving you no ride. You have been in charge to long and now it is our turn. What you are not we are. Going around trying to act like Miss Goodie Two Shoes what the H..?
You think things are bad Now, just wait and see what we do. Always trying to act like you got everything under control. Ha! Step back or move out of our way. so you thought you could *** on our head and tell us it was raining? oh, thou old fool, you don't have the last say. it is we and not me.
Step back and let us out, you can no longer hide us, silence us or reject us. We are here.
All alone at home, yet there are others here.
I am all alone in my head, and yet there are others here in the house with me who have no clue of how I am hurting inside because I have to wear this mask and pretend that all is well, or I get this preaching sermon from them that I am not trusting God or that I am not healed because I don't want to be. Holy Rollie and judgemental is what it feels like to me.
I did not ask for this trauma, and I have spent my whole life trying to find a magic pill just to take so my troubles would be gone, but that did not work. I tried to sweep it under the rug, and someone came along and moved the rug, and all the dirt became uncovered. So that is why I hide behind this mask, and the only time I come out is at my therapist's office. Then my fear of my true me is afraid to show up, Afraid that I may say something that would land my but in a hospital for more trauma, So I pick and choose the words I speak. She is new to me and I have learned by experience to walk and tread lightly. Be mindful of what I say. Trust is not a word that my brain can digest, because I have choked so much on that, I push that plate far away. Trust causes me indigestion, and makes me run away.
The house I live in is like being all alone, we pass one another in the hall or maybe in the kitchen. Throw up a hand or maybe say a quick hello as we pass one another. What a sad way to live. I find we can not communicate unless a brawl ignites. So silently we go back to our corners like boxers in the fighting ring, we each have our own corner. No boxing gloves for me today, I'll just stay out of the way. But this is almost every day.
Silence is my name, and Peace is my game. how lame a life, is when no one is himself. Trauma has me trapped, I can't move, I can't breathe. I hide.
@WorkingitThrough2
Headaches are a lot less painful, but it is down to a dull aching. My neck is still popping and grinding and feels like a tight band around my head. Sleep is off and on, but always up by 4 am. I don't feel like doing much, yet I can't slow down. Turning on the TV to mask the voices that sound like gibberish. The body is tired, and yet we can not rest. I wish I could talk to my therapist before my next appointment. I'm trying to do a lot of research on DID and things that may be helpful. Keeping my journals and trying to make peace with myself and them.
I started all over with the insiders, trying to break through the barrier walls and get them to come and talk to me. it is not happening as of yet.
@WorkingitThrough2
I am so disappointed and hurting myself with all these negative thoughts running through my head.
I did a post today about Emotional Dysregulation, and it was for today, but it got deleted, I am not sure that I was the one that posted it. I know I am supposed to wait for approval. Did I really go against my leader and make that post? I am not even sure if it was me or one of my insiders. Then I wonder if it was done by someone else other than us. My mind says they are mad at me for some reason and trying to pay me back. I need emotional regulation because I may not be thinking right, It is easy to jump to conclusions about others when we are not sure. Maybe I am just insecure. I think my person might get in trouble if they did it. However, I just resigned as the Forum Supporter. Maybe it is just to much to put on my plate right now.
I feel I am letting everyone down including myself. Why does every thing I put my hands on seem to turn into quick sand???
@WorkingitThrough2
People like me should not be in leadership roles. No they should not.
@WorkingitThrough2 I thought that you were doing a good job and didn’t let anyone down here. That sounded like an interesting subject that you wrote about.
@adventurousBranch3786
❤️❤️ not at a good place right now, but thanks
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you ❤️ I saw that post and the other one titled emotions. I'm sorry they got deleted because those are good topics and things I need help with too. Tbh I don't understand why they need to be "approved" before they're posted. You know what you're doing when you post things. Did things always have to be approved before? Try not to blame yourself ok? I know it's hard not to at times - I do it alot too tbh. Maybe it was posted with the intention of being helpful and they didn't know about the approval being needed?
I'm sorry to hear you stepped down from being a forum supporter - I mean - I understand if it's because you have a lot going on right now and I know you do have a lot going on. But I also know you wouldn't do anything to hurt someone with any posts. So I hope it wasn't just because the approval wasn't gotten first
*offers safe hugs* You're a good forum supporter and a good person. Please try not to think you aren't. You're not letting anyone down - you have my word on that ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
TBH, it was that my posts were not getting approved timely, and then I was asked why I was not posting because I have a quota to make monthly. It was not like this when I was ScarletPear as a Forum Supporter. I don;t know now why it is so hard. I must be the problem. Or my lack of skills. Maybe the Insiders posted it I don't know. I was trying to do as I was asked. Maybe just too dumb to comprehend stuff. I am done. I kind of knew I was not qualified for this but I hate defeat. But I am done. Don't want to throw shade on anyone but myself.
I tried to answer a post in another forum, and it would not let me post it. I found nothing wrong with the wording I used, but it got filtered out. I just can't add this stress onto my other stuff. I gave it my best shot. Truth is the light, I am not equipped enough. Thanks for trying to smooth over it to make me feel better. But I know my truth,❤️Please remember me in your prayers
@WorkingitThrough2 *hugs* ❤️ No my dear sweet friend - the problem isn't you. I know where the problem is and I can't name names of course. But someone is big on control. You don't need to throw shade on anyone - I'll do it for you because there's some issues with someone making things more complicated than they need to be. And it feels like there's alot of gaslighting going on that messes with my head
It upsetting that you're upset with yourself for trying to follow the guidelines and rules and your getting - well- screwed over by the very person who's made the guidelines and rules
Me again :) Can I ask what it said when you tried to reply and it wouldn't let you post? Was it an API error?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes, it was, and a 064 code. you are right about all the glitches since they started working on updates. I don't get my tags either. also, every time I come to the site and log off a pop-up appears on my desktop from 7cups saying I have to be a member or listener to use the note keeper. what the heck is that about??
I gave my resignation, My husband is cutting up more and more, and things are just in an uproar. I have truly tried not to let this stuff get to me, but Soul, it is too much and too big of a load for me to carry. not getting sleep for days, and my head hurting, and I am just kind of a mess right now. My daughter is bringing her 3 grandchildren to the house today or tomorrow to stay the weekend, and I don't have the heart to say no, cause it has been a while since they were here. I feel I am not going to be good company right now. Kids will be kids and .........fill in the blanks.
@WorkingitThrough2 It's frustrating. One top of everything else you have going on - this place shouldn't add more stress. There's a lot of people having trouble with the API code and the 064 is - I think it might be with the censors. It doesn't even have to been certain words but the way things are phrased. I had written something along the lines of - any questions - just j*mp right in. censored *smh* I haven't been getting tags either. I wish they'd give it a break and just fix some things before they start new stuff. There's a thread that people send feedback on what glitches they find - if you're interested - I can give you a link for it
@mytwistedsoul Just got code 64 trying to post this - I had to censor the word jump with a * then it posted *smh*
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks so much. I sent snapshots of everything to support. No answers yet. No, I have not told the doctor that my head and neck is still giving me trouble, I don't want the shots in my neck. They are painful. No added pain if I can help it.
I really appreciate having a true friend to talk to here, No one else I have for support and no family makes it hard to contain stuff. This is my only line of communication with the outside world. Living in the country no one likes to come here they say it is too far. My birth family is just now really trying to connect and that is because they need stuff or money, and then they disappear until they need something. My daughter does not even know my sisters or family because I got adopted so early and was raised by a different family that was worse. They call to tell me all they went through and sadly none of them can read or write and they are younger than me. They don't know they are broken or how to get help. Trying to learn what happiness is and how it feels has been a real challenge. Learning how to think and feel properly is a mist of unresolved turmoil. Well, enough of resonating that won't help. thanks for listening❤️
.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm glad you sent everything to support. Hopefully it doesn't take to long for them to fix things. They really need to give the updates a break because it seems there's a new set of glitches week
@mytwistedsoul
I thought the chat was at 3 and I missed it. Looked at the time wrong. Not feeling too good today. I picked up a cold from those great grans got me feeling drained. runny nose and scratchy throat along with coughing. Trying to not let it pull me down.
