My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts ❤️
Lord every time I pick myself up out of my pit I get hit with another knockdown event. I have been trying to not let things get the best of me but it is so very very hard. I smile when inside I really want to just screen and have a literal meltdown. My husband has had another TIA, he is ok but this is like the third or fourth one. I have been working hard to not let him get under my skin or push any buttons to push me out into my angry mode. I have to say I am doing pretty good on that note. Saturday I went to buy some cloth to work on the project I mentioned only to find that the product already exists on the web. I am still making them as I have orders for a few. Went to pay for my stuff and my card was declined. Got home and called the bank. My account had been hacked and over a thousand dollars taken leaving me in the red of -400.00 dollars. I have been trying to get this taken care of but all my funds were gone and the bank says they can't replace it or give me access to the money till it is investigated. I have bills coming in and no money, need gas, and a few other things this sucks. Seems like bad stuff just attaches to me and I don't know why or when I will get a breather. Hard to focus on self-care or on my own mental health for dealing with life issues that I know are going to come. I just want time in between to catch some air, dust myself off, and plant my feet firmly to the ground so I can stabilize myself. Not asking for much but I guess I am.
Been noticing some other things in therapy too. Very subtle, But enough for me to see the change. I have not said anything to her about it, but I am almost certain I am right about what I am picking up from her. The two-hour sessions abruptly stopped after the big blow-up. Now I notice she does not see me but at the exact moment to start and stop. I am feeling like I have become her job obligation.
My head mates have been very pushed back and no one will communicate with her or me much. I don't want to find a new therapist and have to start over again. But I think maybe she is just at her end with me. She is always smiling and I think some of that is just not real. It could possibility I am wrong but I kind of think I am just a money machine weekly $110.00 cause it's her job.😡
How can I help others when I am so broken???????????????????
Maybe the reason I have not heard back from reapplying for my badges back.?????????
@scarletPear1945 *offers a safe hug* I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I'm glad to hear he's ok but wow that must have been scary. Omg Pear - you got hacked! That happened here a few years ago. It was frustrating and scary and upsetting. The bank caught it fortunately before too much damage was done. Some store we had gone to had been hacked that's how they got the information. They just stopped the bank card but we had to wait two weeks for the new one. I hope it doesn't take long for them to investigate and give you your money back - could you call the bills that are due and explain what happened? Sometimes they'll work with you but I also know that they just care about the bill being paid
Have you asked your therapist what the problem is? When things like that happen it kind of feels like you're being punished for something. She should at least explain why she's doing what shes doing. If I remember right you've been with her for a pretty long time? I think she at least owes you an explanation. I know that changing therapists sucks but if she's not helping or putting any effort in - it might be better to find someone who can and will. It really really sucks how one person you think you can count on and think you can trust - one person who knows about who resides in your head - how they can cause so much disruption and pain for everyone. It sucks how it breaks down things that you were just starting to build up
You definitely deserve a break Pear. You've had alot coming at you for a while and you've been handling it all with amazing amounts strength and grace. And well - I think you can still help people. I don't think you're broken. Its not that you're failing people - people are failing you and I'm sorry that they are. You definitely deserve better ❤️
You'll be in my thoughts and I'm sending you all strength and love *safe hugs to all who would like them* ❤️
I'm sorry this got so long and sorry if you didn't want a reply
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you and I have no problem with you replying.❤️
Today I am back and I am Pissed to the most highest level of Pisstitivy. I just got an email from my therapist.
It took me a very long time to discover that you probably had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Usually that appears within 6 months. So, yes, it has been a long time.
As you recall we tried to do EMDR early on but it didn't seem to be effective for you at least at that time. When individuals remember their traumas the EMDR is quite effective and works efficiently.
I'm wondering if telehealth would help alleviate the issues of the fear of coming in to the office? Since the office is being sold I have recently made the decision to close my office the middle of December and moving my office to telehealth only. Clients can then determine whether they want to transfer to telehealth or be referred to another therapist.
This was her message. I asked her several months ago when I saw the sign if they were closing or selling the building and she told me no, that they had empty office space they were renting out. So she lied to me. Milk the cow as long as I can then tell her we are shutting down. I do not like video therapy, as I have no way to talk privately. I can't relate well like that. So today you drop this bomb on me and think that it is ok and that I will follow you but no I will not this is it. When I asked you why you were getting rid of stuff from your office you lied again and said you were just decluttering your office. If you lie to me over this small ish what and how should I trust you with my issues? THERAPY sucks. Is anyone real in the field?????? This really impacts how we recover. Stop think about it, if this were you.
You reeled me in and then I fell for it against what one of my Headmates was constantly telling us to not believe you. I fought him so hard to try to get him to feel supported by you. Ha Ha, the joke is on me, Precious, and Jamie that trusted you. I wondered why communication between us stopped, now I know. Another setback for us.
I am going to do something I have always reframed from to drown out the pain for a little while. It is getting so hard to keep a hold on myself and my own well-being. Sick of not trusting my own feelings and warning signals. I thought I knew you better than my headmates.
Thanks for nothing😡😡😡
Why is Good Therapy help so hard to find????????
Is this a field for easy money??
Are there any sincere Therapists out there???
Am I so messed up that I screw up the Therapy process???
How do they think they help us while hurting us even more????
Why can"t I find a proper therapist??????
I can't trust my own feelings of safety?????
How am I to heal???????
I can not answer my own questions!!
Just looking up an old therapist I had and Lord found out she died a few months ago, she was the real thing, but she did not do trauma-related therapy. OMG if I had known I would have gone to say farewell. She even came to my home a few times. Gave me $500.00 for an apartment when I left hubby. I did not pay her back all the money, wonder if I should send it to one of her family members???
This breaks my heart😢
@scarletPear1945 *sits with you* ❤️ omg Pear I can imagine how betrayed you all must feel. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. I don't think this is something she should have told you through an email - because of all the emotions it brings up. I mean logically I can think of reasons she might have made this decision but it doesn't ease the shock - hurt and feelings of betrayal you all must have. This is a major change for you all. And I really don't think alot of people realize how it can mess up what was being built between you all
Even if this was a recent decision for her - she could have mentioned the possibility of this happening
Tbh - we did video and phone calls during the pandemic crap. It didn't go too good. Not for privacy reasons but distractions - dissociation during phone calls
I don't think people realize how trust is such a questionable thing to begin with. Not just towards outsiders but inside us too. The slightest things can tear it all down - how we basically invalidate those inside in an attempt to prove them wrong. Only to have them be the ones who were right all along
I hope you tell her how you all feel. Don't keep it from her because then it might feel like things are unresolved and that can eat away at you
@mytwistedsoul
The therapist just replied to the text I sent her.
Mrs. J.
I asked you several months ago when you were getting rid of stuff from your office why? You said you were decluttering your office of things you no longer needed or used. My second time when I saw the sign in front of the building. You came out and looked and told me that it was only about the office spaces for rent. Then I have been seeing the big sign out there in the front but I went by what you said. Now you tell me you are closing up shop in December. Only to do telehealth, Wow this really does suck.
I have poured my guts out to you and you know I told you long ago I don’t do good with that type of therapy because I have no privacy and it was the source of problems before I started working with you. They helped me find you. I expressed several times that you were going to be the last Therapist that I would try when I first started. I told you how that ended and you told me not to send you an email like that and I have not.
I guess I am kind of hurt at the fact of this major change that I can not endorse. I have enjoyed for the most part our work together but as of now,
I think that I am finished trying to get therapy. Too old and too tired to start over rehashing this stuff with anyone else.
I do say Thanks for trying and supporting me. Sorry you did say you enjoyed your job and was going to try to do it as long as you could, I did not consider it taking this form I guess.
If you don’t mind would you just cancel my other appointments? The timing of this was just not good for me at this time. Sorry to see you make this transition. This triggers the thoughts of the kids disappearing from the Foster Care Home, but at least I know where you will be.
You will be missed.
Scarlet
@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ I can feel the pain in your words. It's very well written and explains your hurt. I don't mean to disagree and I can understand the too tired part but I don't think you're too old
I know it's not much and it can't replace the face to face - one on one therapy but we're here for you. Not just me and mine but the other people who care for you too ok?
Much love to you and yours Pear ❤️
@scarletPear1945 sorry - don't mean to cut in or anything
I didn't care for the group chats either. But this is different. There's not a bunch of people talking all at once. You can ask questions or talk about somethings you're all dealing with and people really get it - they've gone through or are going through similar things. It's ok to sit quietly too if you'd rather. ❤️
Sorry - just wanted to set your mind at ease
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks That helps a whole bunch.
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) just dropping off a hug ❤️ I hope your all doing ok
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for dropping in on me. I like that😊
How about you?
@scarletPear1945 @scarletPear1945 You're welcome Tbh - I like dropping in ❤️
Tbh - I've been fighting with some issues with a persecutor influencing my emotions and thoughts. And we've been trying to get communication going with them - for years tbh but it's not going anywhere. Thank you for asking though
How's that new grandbaby doing? If You don't mind my asking of course. You all doing ok without the therapist? We're all here for you ok? Just a tag away ❤️
@mytwistedsoul.
Misty is checking on things and said she would get back to me by the end of the week.
I hope to be able to help more as a forum supporter
Since we have no therapist now< I find myself all wired up, especially during the wee hours of the morning. Can't sleep without nightmares so I use the time cleaning reorganizing and doing whatever can get my focus off myself and the insiders. I found my tennis shoes, they reappeared after a month. I think Thunder might have been behind that. Everyone is still pretty distant but that I told you so is getting on my nerves. Reading is not so good right now as I am not focused enough. However, I still keep trying to journal.
Thanks for asking😊 The GreatGrand is doing fine
@scarletPear1945
Goodluck
@ayeyaeyaaaaaaaa,
I need all I can get
Thanks❤️😊
@scarletPear1945 I hope you hear back from Misty soon. I think you'll be a wonderful forum supporter 😊
That wired feeling is horrible. I'm sorry to hear you're having nightmares. I'm glad you're still trying to journal and I totally get the trouble with reading and not being able to focus on it. I'm glad you found your tennis shoes - its so frustrating when things get hidden. I hope things start to calm down and get better for you soon ❤️
*leaving hugs* take good care of yourself Pear ❤️
Lord, Lord:
Therapy withdrawal is harder than I thought. I did not think for one minute that I would be struggling like this. I feel like some old whinny baby trying to get mama's attention. Am I this attached to this lady that is causing me this much inner remorse? I had sworn to myself that I would never allow anyone to get this close to me in my life. Yet here I stand foot in the mouth once again. I don't know why I just did not listen to the voices telling me and warning me. Not safe, not safe. I went against that voice and did what I always do . Look at everyone as safe. As many times as I have been bitten, why the heck am I still following my self-thoughts? This is the kind of stuff that makes me so uncertain about helping others. It would be my least intent to hurt someone or tell them wrong. Does the way get brighter the longer we are on it? I am a compassionate person and I have been hurt a bunch and I know the pain and the anguish. If I can't help someone then I don't want to hurt them.
I guess being in therapy has some benefits, is the purpose of therapy is to win our trust, and in doing that we get emotionally attached to them that can't function without them as our outlet??
I just got to vent my way through. Three years with her😡😢🙏😒🙏🤷♀️
@scarletPear1945 Popping in on you to see how you are ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Doing ok, making myself be ok👌
@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ I do that alot too
*sending you strength and much love Pear ❤️* We'll weather this ok?
