My Silent Voice (Diary)

@scarletPear1945 Hey you ❤️ That's a feeling I know all too well. I'm sorry to hear this new one is scary and has the others in hiding. I wish I knew tbh. Sometimes everything feels so unreal and all too real at the same time

@mytwistedsoul

I am experiencing an insider that likes to roam around late at night and not sleep. One part of us is compulsory, which is exhausting.

@scarletPear1945 That can be scary. Do you have an idea who it might be? Do you have any communication with them? Or maybe they would at least listen? You could explain the importance of sleep and maybe you could agree on a better time for them to roam? And the importance of safety too - in case they're roaming outside

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with all this. The whole thing is exhausting tbh. I hope things calm down soon

*sending you strength* ❤️

@scarletPear1945 Just popping in to see how things are and to let you know you're in someone's thoughts ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

I always appreciate you being there for me and working on my Got Parts workbook.

@scarletPear1945 ❤️ How is it going for you and the others? Is communication any better or is the still some fear and hiding with the new one? Please don't feel you have to answer any of these questions if they're uncomfortable ok?

*leaving a safe hug for you and anyone else who might like one* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

So glad you asked, Therapist has concluded that Nanny, Baby girl and I are one and the same. Precious is an altered Part or Fragment of me. Jamie is an altered or fragment part and the new one that came out in therapy is named Thunder. I was not aware of His presence during our session. She said he was angry and insulting and told her to piss off and leave us the hell alone.

We have been getting threats from him since threats that she feels are coming from Thunder who does not trust her at all. Everyone now seems to have scattered and gone into hiding, afraid of Thunder and his threats.

I am still in disbelief and denial about it. I keep trying to accept this but it is not happening for me.

Just feels like I am getting more chaotic inside.

@scarletPear1945 Hey you ❤️ I'm sorry to hear that Thunder has everyone so scared and scattered. It makes sense that he would trust her - for alot of reasons. She's made a few missteps before and she's unknown to him. He's trying to protect you all still - so he'll make threats to those inside to be quiet and he'll try to scare off your therapist. Do you have more awareness of him now? so much comes down to communication. If you can't talk with him in your head - maybe you can talk out loud - chances are he listens - especially if he feels there are threats. He'll be on alert. It usually takes time unfortunately - like everything tbh. You must be tired of hearing me say that. It takes time for some to understand that things have changed - to reason with them. Thank him for doing such a good job with keeping everyone safe when you needed someone to protect you all

@scarletPear1945 Just wanted to drop in and leave a *hug* ❤️ You've been in my thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hi, thanks: Night time is such a trying time for me. I have never learned to feel safe at night; it is so hard on the body. l got parts that are using the nighttime to roam around and do mischief stuff—hiding my journals, eating Peanut butter, and hiding my shoes. The body finds it hard to sleep during the daytime. Too much activity and moving about. I am able to get cat naps here and there. I am so confused about this being me doing this stuff to myself.

I just can't make my head believe this. It all seems quite ridiculous. So it just does not add up that these fragmented parts are me. well, when we all have different personalities. How do I convince my head to believe what I don't believe? How will we ever develop communication with them if I am lying to the self? My brain works in a very analytic way that must make sense to my brain or it gets thrown out as not logical. This makes no sense.

@scarletPear1945 Acceptance is the hardest thing but the most important. I think sometimes we think that if we deny it - it doesn't exist. There can even be parts that don't know or believe that they are a part of us

Everything you feel about is valid and there's nothing wrong with how you feel. Its ok to be in denial or angry or frustrated. I know for a long time I felt shame. Deep shame for having - this. I still fight with this some times. Have you shared this with your therapist?

It takes time to accept. Our brains really want things to make sense and this is something that to many of us makes absolutely no sense. Alot of things we went through we don't remember - I know sometimes I think that since I can't remember it couldn't have been that bad ya know? And there's days when the head is alittle quieter and doubt creeps in alittle and I start to think maybe it's all wrong - the whole diagnosis is totally wrong but then there's things that can't really be explained.

Like with you - the hiding your shoes and journals and eating peanut butter in the night. Which your shoes - is it all the time or times when you have to go away? It could be someone that doesn't want to go away. Some times it can help to say out loud the night before that you have to go out and why and even offer a reward for things. The journals - they hold your secrets yeah? That could be why they get hidden. Someone doesn't want you writing things down

I wish - I could make this easier for you ❤️

I'm sorry this got to be such a long post

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, Thank you. You explained this so well and it makes me not feel so crazy or that something even worse is wrong with my head. Yes, I did tell her this for the first time. She said I was trying to look at this in like an A, B, C. form and rationalize it but I can't look at it that way because it will never make sense. I am looking for a Wise Mind to help me process this and it ain't happening. The new name for Hortence has been changed to Precious. She loves the name but It is Triggering to me. My therapist suggested that maybe we change her name to Patience because she has been being so patient with me coming around I agree with the name but Precious likes that name she has now. So how do I compromise with her acceptance? left up to me I say take the name since you are a part of me, I choose.

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome :) I'm glad it made sense. I was alittle worried it wasn't making sense tbh. But I really really glad it helped you feel less crazy. Those moments are like a sigh of relief

@mytwistedsoul.

OMG, just found a web site that is a podcast of a woman with DID. She is speaking about how it all began and her experiences were extremely good. System Speak.org

There are episodes of these Pod Cast, have you heard them and a Doctor helped her to get this done.

The one about her Religious Trauma/ Reclaiming her Faith

brought teears to my eyes yet helped me too.

@scarletPear1945 I haven't heard these. Thank you for sharing! I'm glad it helped you! It's so nice when we find something some where that helps ❤️

@scarletPear1945 Wanted to say thank you for sharing that site. Slowly listening to them all. The podcasts about the littles have been helpful for us

@mytwistedsoul

I was just sitting here, thoughts all over the place and trying to find inner peace with all the voices trying to talk at once. I went to church today and there seems to be great conflict on what and how we feel about our religious beliefs. I was brought up in church but my mom used the Bible as a weapon against me. She taught me that God was this vengeful person writing everything bad I did so he could damn me to hell. I was taught that He is the father of us all. In my head now I link the Father with the father that abused me even though I now know the difference between the two, acceptance is very hard, trust is hard, and faith.

I am at an age where I need to gain the proper insight into what I really believe to be true. How do I make that decision when we are so confused with what has happened to us which really did and if God is the Father why such abuse was allowed in the first place? seems to me in my mind what we are, Trying to heald that He could have prevented it all and we would not have to try to learn to get over this crap.

Sometimes it just seems that nothing makes much sense. Maybe it is just that fact that I am so frustrated with this healing journey. Tired of paying out money for therapy making them rich over problems that we did not create. Seeking nonstop sources that can help us gain insight and help us along this journey. On what was not our fault in the first place. The ones responsible have got away scot-free and are dead or out of our lives doing their own thing.

My mom is gone now, but her birthday is the 9th of Sept., and all kinds of memories are surfacing. My emotions or hate, anger, confusion, love, engagement, happy. These should not be thoughts I have about my mom but yet they are. I hate I feel like this but my emotions are so displaced. Even to feeling just plain old numbed out. How long does healing take? will it come in my life span?

Just had to vent a bit

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) ❤️ its ok to vent. There's so much that you said that I can say - yes I have those thoughts too. Religion is such a conflict here too - for similar reasons. And we've spoken to many people and each had different replies. I honestly don't know to think when it comes to God because - like you said - he could have prevented it

Just thinking or ruminating Trigger Warning***

My thoughts today, well most of the week was on mom's birthday today. Where am I emotionally since she died.?

I feel much less of the anger and rage I had toward her is at a minimum. I think I have forgiven her. I also feel that I feel really bad that I was glad she was gone. I feel so guilty for even having those thoughts about a person, let alone the fact that she was my adopted mother. I hope God forgives me for that.

Sept 12th is the day my son was murdered. Found by an off-duty Police officer on home from work.

His body was thrown in a land field with 13 bullet wounds and his car burned up. What a horrible way to die. The murder things there was never found.

Never would I imagine outliving one of my children. I guess some of those things we will never understand but just have to live through them. I hang on to my try to cleave to the moments with my daughter allowing her to get away with way too much. Afraid to set boundaries with her for fear of losing her too. Got myself trapped in my own spun web.

@scarletPear1945 *sits with you and @NoneTheWiser quietly* I wish I had some words of comfort for you - something to ease your pain. I agree with everything NoneTheWiser said and I hope you'll do as she suggested and take extra good care of yourself

It is Raining, just like it was the day I buried my son. I wonder if these are the tears of God?

I remember wondering the day of the funeral if God felt as bad as I did. I thought to myself if maybe God was crying because He allowed this child to enter the world by such a violent way(rape). Then my mind went back to a passage of scripture that read: "CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD"

I said then in an audible voice how in the heck could this child be a gift in the way he was conceived?? Guess what God never answered my question. If he was the Gift why then did you allow him to be killed in such a violent way? Had we not already endured enough pain to have lasted a lifetime? Trying to be a good mom and one better than the two I had. I did not know how to be a better mom, trial and error. Hiding from my own inner turmoil, Knowing and trying not to show the pain and rage that was fueled just by looking at my child that should not have ever been. Besides being violated and innocents stollen you took away my ability to love and be a whole mother who could be proud of her baby it wared in my mind and in my everyday living. Unescapable torment and constant reminders of the terrifying event to feel he was not wanted. I hated myself because I could not face the feelings I felt about the flesh of my flesh, that was a constant reminder.

Cruel and unusual punishment is how it felt. Unjustifiable in any sense out of this. Please don't be angry at me for saying what is in my heart.

@scarletPear1945 sending you lots of strength and love today ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

I really appreciate your support so much, taking all the strength and pulling myself back up.

Thanks for the boost😊

@scarletPear1945 *big hug* ❤️ You're welcome Pear ❤️

@scarletPear1945

Just wanted you to know you were in someone's thoughts today ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

The same here. Sisters of another mother😂

@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts ❤️

Lord every time I pick myself up out of my pit I get hit with another knockdown event. I have been trying to not let things get the best of me but it is so very very hard. I smile when inside I really want to just screen and have a literal meltdown. My husband has had another TIA, he is ok but this is like the third or fourth one. I have been working hard to not let him get under my skin or push any buttons to push me out into my angry mode. I have to say I am doing pretty good on that note. Saturday I went to buy some cloth to work on the project I mentioned only to find that the product already exists on the web. I am still making them as I have orders for a few. Went to pay for my stuff and my card was declined. Got home and called the bank. My account had been hacked and over a thousand dollars taken leaving me in the red of -400.00 dollars. I have been trying to get this taken care of but all my funds were gone and the bank says they can't replace it or give me access to the money till it is investigated. I have bills coming in and no money, need gas, and a few other things this sucks. Seems like bad stuff just attaches to me and I don't know why or when I will get a breather. Hard to focus on self-care or on my own mental health for dealing with life issues that I know are going to come. I just want time in between to catch some air, dust myself off, and plant my feet firmly to the ground so I can stabilize myself. Not asking for much but I guess I am.

Been noticing some other things in therapy too. Very subtle, But enough for me to see the change. I have not said anything to her about it, but I am almost certain I am right about what I am picking up from her. The two-hour sessions abruptly stopped after the big blow-up. Now I notice she does not see me but at the exact moment to start and stop. I am feeling like I have become her job obligation.

My head mates have been very pushed back and no one will communicate with her or me much. I don't want to find a new therapist and have to start over again. But I think maybe she is just at her end with me. She is always smiling and I think some of that is just not real. It could possibility I am wrong but I kind of think I am just a money machine weekly $110.00 cause it's her job.😡

How can I help others when I am so broken???????????????????

Maybe the reason I have not heard back from reapplying for my badges back.?????????

@scarletPear1945 *offers a safe hug* I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I'm glad to hear he's ok but wow that must have been scary. Omg Pear - you got hacked! That happened here a few years ago. It was frustrating and scary and upsetting. The bank caught it fortunately before too much damage was done. Some store we had gone to had been hacked that's how they got the information. They just stopped the bank card but we had to wait two weeks for the new one. I hope it doesn't take long for them to investigate and give you your money back - could you call the bills that are due and explain what happened? Sometimes they'll work with you but I also know that they just care about the bill being paid

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you and I have no problem with you replying.❤️

@NoneTheWiser

You💡🕯️up my world😊

Today I am back and I am Pissed to the most highest level of Pisstitivy. I just got an email from my therapist.

It took me a very long time to discover that you probably had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Usually that appears within 6 months. So, yes, it has been a long time.

As you recall we tried to do EMDR early on but it didn't seem to be effective for you at least at that time. When individuals remember their traumas the EMDR is quite effective and works efficiently.

I'm wondering if telehealth would help alleviate the issues of the fear of coming in to the office? Since the office is being sold I have recently made the decision to close my office the middle of December and moving my office to telehealth only. Clients can then determine whether they want to transfer to telehealth or be referred to another therapist.

This was her message. I asked her several months ago when I saw the sign if they were closing or selling the building and she told me no, that they had empty office space they were renting out. So she lied to me. Milk the cow as long as I can then tell her we are shutting down. I do not like video therapy, as I have no way to talk privately. I can't relate well like that. So today you drop this bomb on me and think that it is ok and that I will follow you but no I will not this is it. When I asked you why you were getting rid of stuff from your office you lied again and said you were just decluttering your office. If you lie to me over this small ish what and how should I trust you with my issues? THERAPY sucks. Is anyone real in the field?????? This really impacts how we recover. Stop think about it, if this were you.

You reeled me in and then I fell for it against what one of my Headmates was constantly telling us to not believe you. I fought him so hard to try to get him to feel supported by you. Ha Ha, the joke is on me, Precious, and Jamie that trusted you. I wondered why communication between us stopped, now I know. Another setback for us.

I am going to do something I have always reframed from to drown out the pain for a little while. It is getting so hard to keep a hold on myself and my own well-being. Sick of not trusting my own feelings and warning signals. I thought I knew you better than my headmates.

Thanks for nothing😡😡😡

Why is Good Therapy help so hard to find????????

Is this a field for easy money??

Are there any sincere Therapists out there???

Am I so messed up that I screw up the Therapy process???

How do they think they help us while hurting us even more????

Why can"t I find a proper therapist??????

I can't trust my own feelings of safety?????

How am I to heal???????

I can not answer my own questions!!

Just looking up an old therapist I had and Lord found out she died a few months ago, she was the real thing, but she did not do trauma-related therapy. OMG if I had known I would have gone to say farewell. She even came to my home a few times. Gave me $500.00 for an apartment when I left hubby. I did not pay her back all the money, wonder if I should send it to one of her family members???

This breaks my heart😢

@scarletPear1945 *sits with you* ❤️ omg Pear I can imagine how betrayed you all must feel. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. I don't think this is something she should have told you through an email - because of all the emotions it brings up. I mean logically I can think of reasons she might have made this decision but it doesn't ease the shock - hurt and feelings of betrayal you all must have. This is a major change for you all. And I really don't think alot of people realize how it can mess up what was being built between you all

@mytwistedsoul

The therapist just replied to the text I sent her.

Mrs. J.

I asked you several months ago when you were getting rid of stuff from your office why? You said you were decluttering your office of things you no longer needed or used. My second time when I saw the sign in front of the building. You came out and looked and told me that it was only about the office spaces for rent. Then I have been seeing the big sign out there in the front but I went by what you said. Now you tell me you are closing up shop in December. Only to do telehealth, Wow this really does suck.

I have poured my guts out to you and you know I told you long ago I don’t do good with that type of therapy because I have no privacy and it was the source of problems before I started working with you. They helped me find you. I expressed several times that you were going to be the last Therapist that I would try when I first started. I told you how that ended and you told me not to send you an email like that and I have not.

I guess I am kind of hurt at the fact of this major change that I can not endorse. I have enjoyed for the most part our work together but as of now,

I think that I am finished trying to get therapy. Too old and too tired to start over rehashing this stuff with anyone else.

I do say Thanks for trying and supporting me. Sorry you did say you enjoyed your job and was going to try to do it as long as you could, I did not consider it taking this form I guess.

If you don’t mind would you just cancel my other appointments? The timing of this was just not good for me at this time. Sorry to see you make this transition. This triggers the thoughts of the kids disappearing from the Foster Care Home, but at least I know where you will be.

You will be missed.

Scarlet

@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ I can feel the pain in your words. It's very well written and explains your hurt. I don't mean to disagree and I can understand the too tired part but I don't think you're too old

@NoneTheWiser

Thanks, I think we are just through with therapy altogether. I have been ordering books from Amazon I am reading one which is a workbook called"me Not Me and We". Hopefully, I can

learn some things on my own and also the DID chat group that I have asked to become a part of. I have never been so good in groups but I am going to give it a shot.

@scarletPear1945 sorry - don't mean to cut in or anything

I didn't care for the group chats either. But this is different. There's not a bunch of people talking all at once. You can ask questions or talk about somethings you're all dealing with and people really get it - they've gone through or are going through similar things. It's ok to sit quietly too if you'd rather. ❤️

Sorry - just wanted to set your mind at ease

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks That helps a whole bunch.