My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945 Hey :) Friendly neighborhood pita here. Just wanted to say hey and drop off a hug ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, thank you. Really really have need to feel supported and loved😒
@scarletPear1945 *safe hugs* ❤️ you deserve to be supported and loved you have alot on your plate right now
I know it's not much but I'm allways just a tag away ok?
Peace and love to you Pear ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
My words do not have the vocabulary to express how much you have meant to me on this lonely walk to recovery street—never seeming as if to gather enough time to catch that second wind before another typhoon comes and drags you out to sea.
I am so tired of going around in this vicious cycle. will I never learn? Maybe it is not in the cards for me.😒
@scarletPear1945 No words needed ❤️ It means alot that you let me walk this path with you and I'm grateful to you
You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I admire the strength you've shown with everything. For confronting your therapist - for persevering through the new things you encounter
We'll get through these storms and cycles
*safe hugs to you and yours* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
New insider in therapy and they spoke to the therapist but I was not there. That sounds so scary. Now I feel I have been silenced by someone. Feels like punishment. Makes no sense.
@scarletPear1945 ❤️. It is scary. And not being present at all when it happens - Can feel downright terrifying afterwards. It's someone you don't have any idea about. It's good that this insider spoke with the therapist and made their presence known. It's a start. And being silenced - it does feel like punishment. We try so hard to find our voices - to speak our truth - to tell the secrets held inside. But often there are insiders that are still afraid - still stuck in the past. Sometimes there can be something that happened that triggered this silence. With what happened a few weeks ago with your therapist - maybe that could have triggered it? It's something we're trying to work through here too and its frustrating
Maybe you could write them a letter - introduce yourself and welcome them and remind them that everyone is safe now. You're grown now and you're doing your best to keep everyone safe and no-one can hurt any of you now. Offer a place for them to share anything they feel comfortable with and ask if they need or want anything. No pressure though ok? You have to do what's right and comfortable for you
*leaving a safe gentle hug*❤️
@mytwistedsoul
So much want all this to go away just to give me mental rest. I wear myself to a frazzle in the outside world in an effort to keep the brain from being overwhelmed by the inside voices and chaos. I am afraid of this new insider and so is Precious and Jamie and the baby girl are in hiding I think. How can this be so real and yet seem delusional at the same is happening to me???time?n hardly even see what I am writing it is like even this nation is trying to be stopped. What the heck
I ca
@scarletPear1945 Hey you ❤️ That's a feeling I know all too well. I'm sorry to hear this new one is scary and has the others in hiding. I wish I knew tbh. Sometimes everything feels so unreal and all too real at the same time
Take good care of yourself - be gentle. I'm sitting quietly with you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I am experiencing an insider that likes to roam around late at night and not sleep. One part of us is compulsory, which is exhausting.
@scarletPear1945 That can be scary. Do you have an idea who it might be? Do you have any communication with them? Or maybe they would at least listen? You could explain the importance of sleep and maybe you could agree on a better time for them to roam? And the importance of safety too - in case they're roaming outside
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with all this. The whole thing is exhausting tbh. I hope things calm down soon
*sending you strength* ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Just popping in to see how things are and to let you know you're in someone's thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I always appreciate you being there for me and working on my Got Parts workbook.
@scarletPear1945 ❤️ How is it going for you and the others? Is communication any better or is the still some fear and hiding with the new one? Please don't feel you have to answer any of these questions if they're uncomfortable ok?
*leaving a safe hug for you and anyone else who might like one* ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Just wanted to drop in and leave a *hug* ❤️ You've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, thanks: Night time is such a trying time for me. I have never learned to feel safe at night; it is so hard on the body. l got parts that are using the nighttime to roam around and do mischief stuff—hiding my journals, eating Peanut butter, and hiding my shoes. The body finds it hard to sleep during the daytime. Too much activity and moving about. I am able to get cat naps here and there. I am so confused about this being me doing this stuff to myself.
I just can't make my head believe this. It all seems quite ridiculous. So it just does not add up that these fragmented parts are me. well, when we all have different personalities. How do I convince my head to believe what I don't believe? How will we ever develop communication with them if I am lying to the self? My brain works in a very analytic way that must make sense to my brain or it gets thrown out as not logical. This makes no sense.
@scarletPear1945 Acceptance is the hardest thing but the most important. I think sometimes we think that if we deny it - it doesn't exist. There can even be parts that don't know or believe that they are a part of us
Everything you feel about is valid and there's nothing wrong with how you feel. Its ok to be in denial or angry or frustrated. I know for a long time I felt shame. Deep shame for having - this. I still fight with this some times. Have you shared this with your therapist?
It takes time to accept. Our brains really want things to make sense and this is something that to many of us makes absolutely no sense. Alot of things we went through we don't remember - I know sometimes I think that since I can't remember it couldn't have been that bad ya know? And there's days when the head is alittle quieter and doubt creeps in alittle and I start to think maybe it's all wrong - the whole diagnosis is totally wrong but then there's things that can't really be explained.
Like with you - the hiding your shoes and journals and eating peanut butter in the night. Which your shoes - is it all the time or times when you have to go away? It could be someone that doesn't want to go away. Some times it can help to say out loud the night before that you have to go out and why and even offer a reward for things. The journals - they hold your secrets yeah? That could be why they get hidden. Someone doesn't want you writing things down
I wish - I could make this easier for you ❤️
I'm sorry this got to be such a long post
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, Thank you. You explained this so well and it makes me not feel so crazy or that something even worse is wrong with my head. Yes, I did tell her this for the first time. She said I was trying to look at this in like an A, B, C. form and rationalize it but I can't look at it that way because it will never make sense. I am looking for a Wise Mind to help me process this and it ain't happening. The new name for Hortence has been changed to Precious. She loves the name but It is Triggering to me. My therapist suggested that maybe we change her name to Patience because she has been being so patient with me coming around I agree with the name but Precious likes that name she has now. So how do I compromise with her acceptance? left up to me I say take the name since you are a part of me, I choose.
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome :) I'm glad it made sense. I was alittle worried it wasn't making sense tbh. But I really really glad it helped you feel less crazy. Those moments are like a sigh of relief
Wise mind kind of really can't do much with this - at least not right now. It's kind of more of an open mind thing I guess? That sounds so harsh though - I'm sorry for that. It's like we have to be open to the idea of it - open to the reality of it
I remember when she got her new name and how happy she was with it but it's understandable that its triggering for you. It can be hard to force a name if she doesn't like it - especially if she's grown to really like it. Making her take something she doesn't want can cause problems and she could act out. You could explain to her why you're having trouble with it and why you'd like to change it. The littles understand things alot better then we sometimes give them credit for. You could tell her that if she doesn't like the name Patience - she can help pick something you'll both be ok with. It can take her some time - to warm up to the idea and to come up with something you both like ❤️
@mytwistedsoul.
OMG, just found a web site that is a podcast of a woman with DID. She is speaking about how it all began and her experiences were extremely good. System Speak.org
There are episodes of these Pod Cast, have you heard them and a Doctor helped her to get this done.
The one about her Religious Trauma/ Reclaiming her Faith
brought teears to my eyes yet helped me too.
@scarletPear1945 I haven't heard these. Thank you for sharing! I'm glad it helped you! It's so nice when we find something some where that helps ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Wanted to say thank you for sharing that site. Slowly listening to them all. The podcasts about the littles have been helpful for us
@mytwistedsoul
I was just sitting here, thoughts all over the place and trying to find inner peace with all the voices trying to talk at once. I went to church today and there seems to be great conflict on what and how we feel about our religious beliefs. I was brought up in church but my mom used the Bible as a weapon against me. She taught me that God was this vengeful person writing everything bad I did so he could damn me to hell. I was taught that He is the father of us all. In my head now I link the Father with the father that abused me even though I now know the difference between the two, acceptance is very hard, trust is hard, and faith.
I am at an age where I need to gain the proper insight into what I really believe to be true. How do I make that decision when we are so confused with what has happened to us which really did and if God is the Father why such abuse was allowed in the first place? seems to me in my mind what we are, Trying to heald that He could have prevented it all and we would not have to try to learn to get over this crap.
Sometimes it just seems that nothing makes much sense. Maybe it is just that fact that I am so frustrated with this healing journey. Tired of paying out money for therapy making them rich over problems that we did not create. Seeking nonstop sources that can help us gain insight and help us along this journey. On what was not our fault in the first place. The ones responsible have got away scot-free and are dead or out of our lives doing their own thing.
My mom is gone now, but her birthday is the 9th of Sept., and all kinds of memories are surfacing. My emotions or hate, anger, confusion, love, engagement, happy. These should not be thoughts I have about my mom but yet they are. I hate I feel like this but my emotions are so displaced. Even to feeling just plain old numbed out. How long does healing take? will it come in my life span?
Just had to vent a bit
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) ❤️ its ok to vent. There's so much that you said that I can say - yes I have those thoughts too. Religion is such a conflict here too - for similar reasons. And we've spoken to many people and each had different replies. I honestly don't know to think when it comes to God because - like you said - he could have prevented it
I know what you mean - sometimes nothing makes sense. I can understand the frustration you feel - I'd just like for this to be done. I'd like to be able to actually get things processed and move forward but sometimes it just seems like it keeps coming up over and over or something new shows up or we have set backs
With her birthday coming up it makes sense that you have so many different emotions. Its hard feeling like you shouldn't have the emotions you do towards her. I can't say too much because I have the same problem with mine and there's maybe alot of questions that you would like to have her answer?
I do hope that you find healing Pear - you deserve it. I know you've been working towards it for a while and I see how hard you're trying. With the DID it adds another level of difficulty because it's not just our healing but they have wounds that need healed too
*leaving a big hug*
Peace and love to you Pear ❤️
Just thinking or ruminating Trigger Warning***
My thoughts today, well most of the week was on mom's birthday today. Where am I emotionally since she died.?
I feel much less of the anger and rage I had toward her is at a minimum. I think I have forgiven her. I also feel that I feel really bad that I was glad she was gone. I feel so guilty for even having those thoughts about a person, let alone the fact that she was my adopted mother. I hope God forgives me for that.
Sept 12th is the day my son was murdered. Found by an off-duty Police officer on home from work.
His body was thrown in a land field with 13 bullet wounds and his car burned up. What a horrible way to die. The murder things there was never found.
Never would I imagine outliving one of my children. I guess some of those things we will never understand but just have to live through them. I hang on to my try to cleave to the moments with my daughter allowing her to get away with way too much. Afraid to set boundaries with her for fear of losing her too. Got myself trapped in my own spun web.
@scarletPear1945 *sits with you and @NoneTheWiser quietly* I wish I had some words of comfort for you - something to ease your pain. I agree with everything NoneTheWiser said and I hope you'll do as she suggested and take extra good care of yourself
*sending you strength - peace and love* ❤️
It is Raining, just like it was the day I buried my son. I wonder if these are the tears of God?
I remember wondering the day of the funeral if God felt as bad as I did. I thought to myself if maybe God was crying because He allowed this child to enter the world by such a violent way(rape). Then my mind went back to a passage of scripture that read: "CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD"
I said then in an audible voice how in the heck could this child be a gift in the way he was conceived?? Guess what God never answered my question. If he was the Gift why then did you allow him to be killed in such a violent way? Had we not already endured enough pain to have lasted a lifetime? Trying to be a good mom and one better than the two I had. I did not know how to be a better mom, trial and error. Hiding from my own inner turmoil, Knowing and trying not to show the pain and rage that was fueled just by looking at my child that should not have ever been. Besides being violated and innocents stollen you took away my ability to love and be a whole mother who could be proud of her baby it wared in my mind and in my everyday living. Unescapable torment and constant reminders of the terrifying event to feel he was not wanted. I hated myself because I could not face the feelings I felt about the flesh of my flesh, that was a constant reminder.
Cruel and unusual punishment is how it felt. Unjustifiable in any sense out of this. Please don't be angry at me for saying what is in my heart.
@scarletPear1945 sending you lots of strength and love today ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I really appreciate your support so much, taking all the strength and pulling myself back up.
Thanks for the boost😊
@scarletPear1945 *big hug* ❤️ You're welcome Pear ❤️
@scarletPear1945
Just wanted you to know you were in someone's thoughts today ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
The same here. Sisters of another mother😂
