My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945
just wanted to wish you a Happy Halloween 🙂
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, I love it❤️
Hello, diary, I have got some good news to share with you last:
On the 22nd of October, I reunited with my birth sister whom I had not seen in 20 or more years. I had got adopted out. When I discovered I had siblings I had been on a quest to find them and try to connect to build a relationship with them. That effort was soon to become a nightmare. I was rejected and cast aside. So I have always felt like a reject with no one to care for them. I felt broken and discarded. Alone and with nowhere to go or anyone to care.😊
I became determined to be all that I could be. People and family said I would never be anything or any good. I was Pearl's daughter that I was destined to be just like my mother a drunk with no morals and no value.
I took those negative words and used them to empower me to rise to levels that made them rise up and take notice. From being on the streets at 16, a baby by 17,
went to adult high school graduated with honors I was the Valedictorian. Won a scholarship to college. Took nursing and graduated and now here I am, A chip off the old block.
Now because of my achievements, everyone seems to now want to be family. I still hold open arms for them. My sister came and her daughter and her daughter's son. I treated them as if they were Kings and Queens. They said never had they experienced such love and peace like this. I was so happy to hug and to share all that I had with them.
God has blessed me with a beautiful home and land and all the frills. For that I am grateful. We were able to sit and share and bond with each other it felt so good. I pray that this reunion will continue. This helped me find some kind of connection to the tribe I should have never been disconnected from.😊
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@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I read your last post and I'm just so happy for you ❤️ all the things you worked so hard for - being valedictorian - getting a scholarship - becoming a nurse. You're amazing!
If I remember correctly - you're having them over for Thanksgiving? Are you excited - nervous - alittle of both? I'm sorry - if I shouldn't ask and if I'm being a pest
Just wanted to let you know you were in someones thoughts today
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks, and in reply Never Ever think that you could ever be considered a pest. You are a great friend that has been here for me since the beginning of my journey. You have sat with me, supported me, Through my ups and downs you never bailed on me and that is a true friend. Also Storm.
We have a death in the family, the only living aunt who helped me put together my roots, and the one who gave me the information about why I was removed from my mother's home as a baby. She died last night and I really want to g to her funeral. Which would mean my sister and her family probably won't be able to come. Seems deaths in this family always come in the holiday months.
I am also now going through a possible diagnosis of having DID or some form of it. I do not feel like I have that but according to my therapist, she has spotted and noticed some things that I had just written off as unexplainable. Variations in my writing styles, blinking out and not responding which she is not the first to tell me this. Things missing when I know where I put them and this lady talking to me in my head and I answered all the questions but have no remembrance of them at all. My last episode took place after my sister left. My body became all scratched up I showed them to my therapist and I can not explain what happened. I felt like I had been in a catfight and the cat won. My therapist had a different take on it. She thinks that the rage I try to keep bottled up and that child I hid in a room behind lots of boxes and gave her the name of Hortence is angry and trying to front now. So confused, but also answers a lot of issues I have had with therapy. I don't like labels and I feel that diagnosis just adds another obstacle in people and stigmas, even in the Mental Health field.
Kind of been down a bit trying to bring things together in my head. and another situation with my grandson's little girl having to stay with me while DSS investigates the mom.
I lover her but I am not in a place mentally to deal with a 6-year-old but hoping this will soon blow over.
I hope you and your family are well❤️
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome and thank you too - I'm not one of those fair weather people just there for the good days. It's during the hardest parts that we need people to be there for us. I may not know exactly what to say but sometimes we don't need to say anything other than - I'm here for you
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ They do seem to come around during the holidays don't they? Maybe you could post pone your dinner until afterwards? Have it on the weekend or something?
I'm sorry about the diagnosis - that's a hard one. It's scary and confusing while at the same time it can make so much sense to everything you can't explain. I got this diagnosis about two and a half years ago and it's been hard ever since. Similar to what you're saying - different hand writing - losing things all the time. Self harm and not knowing how or why or when it happened. Emotions from no where that I can't explain - thoughts that make no sense - loss of time - days weeks - months. Just - chaos. God I could go on and on about everything I hate about it. It does have a stigma to it unlike any other tbh. I'm glad your therapist is open to it though and I hope she's willing to work with you and Hortence and help her rage. I know it's not easy and it's confusing and scary. You're not alone - Hortence isn't either ❤️
You really do have your hands full right now. Makes me think of the saying when it rains it pours. You have a very full plate right now - dealing with a loss and a new diagnosis on top of caring for six year old. I hope everything works out
*leaving you a tight but safe gentle hug* And sending you some seriously good strong vibes. I'll light a candle for you and your aunt
Peace and love to you - be gentle with yourself ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
❤️❤️❤️😢
@scarletPear1945 ❤
@scarletPear1945
😁 Sorry I had to lol! I hope you had an awesome birthday ❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul
It was very special because I am used to nothing here at home and the fact I went out of state with my birth family who hardly knows me or my daughter and they found out it was my birthday and conjured all this up in a flash. Cooked me dinner made me a huge Cream Cheesecake with all king of fruit in the middle and a card with $65.00. A hat and scarf, a candle and it was as if I had won a million dollars. I sang for them and got over a hundred social media praises from people. I had no idea they did that. They promised to stay in my life now that they know me. I am still shedding tears of joy. I have been in this world so long basically all alone. Now I have family, and I now know I belong.
@scarletPear1945 I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for you ❤ Reading your words brought me the biggest smile and I could feel the joy in what you wrote
To have them celebrate your birthday with you - to have them put together a dinner and cake with presents to celebrate you - being reunited with you - like a very special homecoming
You deserve this happiness Pear - to have the family you've wanted - to know where you belong - after searching so long I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. That's the best lottery of all
*leaving you a big big happy bear hug* ❤😊❤
@mytwistedsoul
💋💋😄Thank you with much love❤️
@scarletPear1945 ❤ you're welcome ❤
With much love back 😊
I hope you have a good Thanksgiving 🦃
@scarletPear1945 ❤ sending love to you and yours
@mytwistedsoul
I don't even have words to express how I feel about you. You are my Special Friend❤️😄
@scarletPear1945 *hugs you tight* You're a wonderful person - with such a beautiful heart and soul ❤ Thank you for being you 😊
NIGHT TERROR
2:10 AM (TW)
Woke up shaking, my heart racing, and I was just in a panic. I
had a bad bad dream that I just don't know where it came from, but I think it was connected to the trip I just made out of state. After going to the place where a lot of my trauma stuff was at. Things that I had not remembered just began to flood through this dream. Made me so afraid that I will not try to sleep. Things went on in that dream that I can never speak about.
Just when so much of my puzzle pieces have begun to fit together things feel uprooted and my head and emotions are like on a roller coaster. Kicking and fighting and threw myself right off onto the floor. Now I am afraid to go to sleep like I needed more issues with my sleep.
I have been journaling writing a bunch of stuff down. I have been hearing these voices whispering at me but I can not understand nor make out what they are saying, I am telling myself you are not crazy, you are not crazy. I hear them. I walk around to different rooms to see if I still hear them and I can so now I wonder if they are in my head.
I probably should not be writing about this here because I might wind up in a straight jacket and be thrown in some mental institution. Talk about Mental stigma the same ones that you should be able to talk to are the same ones who could have you committed. Past experience right here.
So when you can't tell anyone how do you process this crap. I work so hard at being normal and not letting this stuff get the best of me yet I keep falling back. I focus on Positive stuff and still fall back. Does the cycle ever end? Will this hamster be able to get off the racing wheel?
How can you earnestly help others? is that not perpetrating a fraud? Trying to help others and support them when you yourself are so broken. Can I really be true to others when I am not true to myself?
I don"t know the answer but I am one who really likes to practice being very transparent. I own my own junk, right or wrong. To me, if I am supposed to encourage and be support them I need to not show vulnerable attributes before others. So they can feel my strength.
I realize that we all have our own issues here and I never want to be anyone stumbling block.
I am my own stumbling block, trying to get out of my own way.
@scarletPear1945 Hey you ❤
Your words are safe here - this is your safe space. You are not crazy. The trip you made - the reconnections with family - it brought the past to life for you. Which in some ways is good but in other ways is bad. Its good because you deserve to know your family and they deserve to know you. The bad is the reawakening of repressed memories. Like the ghosts of the past
It does seem that way with the puzzle pieces but maybe these pieces you found lurking in nightmares are the most important ones - these could lead to fuller healing. If that makes any sense
We feel your strength through your vulnerabilities. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable and there is strength in that. We're all broken in some way - everyone here - but I think that's what helps alot of times. We help each other heal because we understand what we're all going through. We lend each other light along the way. We can be strong for others on good days and others can do the same for us on our bad days. If that's fraud - well - then I'm guilty of it too. But I really do think that helping others helps us too. You're never anyone's stumbling block Pear - never
*leaving you a safe hug* no pressure though ok? ❤
@scarletPear1945 I agree you are no imposter or stumbling block. These illnesses ptsd/cptsd and DID don’t have adequate treatments for them yet. I believe that it is not our fault for lack of progress since no instant cure exists at present. There needs to be more research and treatments in my opinion. I am sure that you are helpful to other around here. Well at least it helps my day to read your posts. Omg nightmares/terrors are the worst. I have had many about things that I wouldn’t talk about here. It takes a lot of strength to be able to go about the day after one of those. I’m glad that you came here to write about it.
@adventurousBranch3786. PS Happy belated birthday!
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, dear friend. How are you?
@scarletPear1945 Thank you for asking! I had a lot of anxiety this week but woke up much better this morning.
@adventurousBranch3786
So glad you are feeling better.❤️
I really do admire your persistence and dedication and all the support you give to us.
Take real good care of your self😃
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) Just dropping by with a hug ❤️ You've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
How are you? I have been a bit off the kilt. My therapist gave me a not book to write in and I wrote things in it about her and I don't remember doing it. If I had known I would not have let her take the book. I feel really bad because I said some kind of harsh remarks about her in my anger with our progress and her diagnosis. After reading what I wrote I have been feeling so bad. Worst of all it does not look like I wrote it but nobody else had the book. I am usually not that blunt and unfeeling toward people. I have been emailing her and did not get a response until today. I would not have intentionally done that. I think that maybe I wanted to run her away or hurt her before she could hurt me.
I don't know, but it was totally out of character for me.
@scarletPear1945
*offering a hug if you want one* ❤ I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you had said she had talked with you about a diagnosis of DID. With everything that's been going on - with the passing of your aunt and reconnecting with your family - it sounds like there are others who are just letting themselves be known. They may have been dormant for along time until now. Latent alters. They have their own opinions and from what you said about the harshness and wanting her to run away - someone doesn't want her to know things - they're trying to protect secrets. I know it's hard but try not to be too hard on yourself - she knows its not you - especially if it's out of character for you. I know it can be really hard to take all this in. It sends your mind reeling. There's some really good places online with good information - https://did-research.org/ you're under no obligation to check it out ok? I just thought I'd put it here just in case ok? And well - I'm sorry if I shouldn't have. I mean no harm to you or anyone else - you have my word on that ❤
Please be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you strength
Peace and love to you Pear ❤
@scarletPear1945 * drops off a hug* ❤
Dear Diary: Getting things off my chest
Just having some flashback moments about a conversation I had with one of the people on
the site that made a comment about me, not realizing they were talking to me. I wanted to go off but chose to refrain from saying anything. But the statement made let me know I had been the subject in their conversation at some point. That remark that was made sent me into another flashback of when I stopped going into certain forums. I began to avoid that forum as if it had the grand Plague.
We must be very careful and mindful of what we say and how we say it to one another. This was done by a leader but I have never forgotten the incident. It let a raw spot in an already damaged vessel.
This site is supposed to be to get support as well as to support, and not make the journey any harder for anyone else. We don't need to be traumatized any more than we already have. I have intentionally not given names because it is something that we all should be mindful of. Especially if you are a leader.
This is not a recent event just a flashback of 2 that causes me to cringe when I see the names. I think that we are all mature enough to decide how and when we respond to tags. To tell me how and what you expect me to do is not your place, It shows a lack of leadership and disrespect.
7 cups are all some of us have, don't run people away that need to be here. Live what you are telling everyone else to do.
This is not intended to be telling anyone off but hopefully, help us grow and learn. I really like being here and I need to be here.
This may be removed but it is my truth and my story If I have offended anyone then I apologize.
This is not directed to any of my present leaders or members.
Hi I hope that you are alright. You will be in my thoughts. ❤️