My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945
We brought you a friend :) You've been in my thoughts
@NoneTheWiser Great Minds ;)
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you thank you so much I really need a friend
thanks so much
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome - I hope as each day passes you're feeling better and better
I love you all
@scarletPear1945 I hope that you are feeling better!
@scarletPear1945 I hope that you are feeling better!
@adventurousBranch3786
I am doing ok. Thanks for checking on me
@bubblegumPuppy68 I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright!
@adventurousBranch3786
You are specal
@scarletPear1945 You popped into my thoughts today - How are you?
Your avatar made me think of this :)
@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts - I hope you and yours are doing ok - sending you good vibes
@mytwistedsoul
I am all right physically struggling mentally big time
@mytwistedsoul
How are you? just want to say thanks 4 being here to support my crazyness
@scarletPear1945 You're very welcome :)
I'm hanging in there I guess. Thank you so much for asking. How are you? Your last few posts have been so great to read! Like a fire has been lit inside you :) It's so wonderful to see! You got this!
Hello, my silent diary:
Just Thinking things over:.......It has been a while diary that I have posted to you. However, I have really been doing some real soul searching. Trying to evaluate the thoughts I feed myself on a daily basis. Looking for faulty thinking process that no longer serve me. I seem. This seems to be my whole unhealthy mind. Where these ideas came from and when did they become a part of my thought process.
I began to make a list of things that keep my head messed up and triggered. Focus is not here right now maybe I need to try this later.
Just dropping off a friend - you've been in my thoughts :)
I am in such a bad place and it is not getting any better. Therapy just is not working and I feel like hell. I keep trying and trying to feel better but nothing seems to be working. I see my therapist once a week and even that seems like years between appointments. I keep trying all the things that deal with this but I feel so numb and I feel like all emotions and feelings are dying too
Feeling this effort is just futile and unproductive for me. I don't want to put a damper on anyone else recovery By but doing this year after year has just depleted my strength and will to keep fighting this battle. It sucks that I spend a fortune getting help while the culprits go on with life but have F.....ed up our lives and they go unscathed.
Dear Diary;
I got some hard feeling boiling on the inside my heart fills as if it has just totally numbed out. My brain is in an uproar and my thoughts are racing quicker than I can catch them. I have tried all the self-care and exercises and meditations and exercises and I am sick of all of it because nothing is helping me deal with all the turmoil going on inside. I am sick of seeking help and they take my money and dish me back shit. I am tired of asking and hoping and doing all that I know to help myself and the professionals seem to be only in it for the money. I have been so long without help and then I keep being encouraged to get professional help and it feels like they don't have a clue of how or what to do. We are all over the place and have nothing to help.
Here on 7cups, we say if you don't ask for support then no one can read our minds. But when you are saying it in all the words seems plain what am I speaking in a foreign language. I am abandoned ignored and I know maybe people don't want to deal with us older people maybe because we just don't fit in the younger people's I am not angry at anyone but myself for being so vulnerable that I keep hoping and trying because they say recovery is a possible world. I don't know but it just seals the fact that support is not easy to find or get.
I am sick of pretending to be ok when deep inside there is a whirlwind going on. I guess the old saying "PISS ON MY HEAD AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING". I guess there is a lot of truth in that statement. Who"s fool am I? I am the fool for being vunerable and trying to trust and believe.
*sitting with you* You're not a fool and I don't think anything has to do with age. I do understand what you mean about here and asking for help in plain solid words and nothing comes of it. It's hard to find a listener that gives solid feedback or any feedback at all tbh. If you let yourself be vulnerable and reach out through the check ins - noone ever checks back with you. It ends up making you feel so much worse. I don't think alot of people fully understand how hard it is to ask in the first place
I know I'm not best with words and I don't have alot of answers but I hear you - you're welcome to reach out to me anytime - if you want - ok? I give you my word - no judgement - no pressure - just a friendly ear
@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry if you didn't want any replies to this
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for your reply. I am in a bad frame of mind and it has been getting worse over this month. I have tried my hand at therapy and as of now, I guess I am so messed up that the therapist just seems to have no clue in how or where to help me to start untangling my web of issues. They have no problem taking my money every week. But I don't have a gold mind anywhere last time I looked. Even the therapist from this site just screwed over me and It is stuff like this that makes me even worse. I had a listener last night that told me to talk to them and I began and suddenly they were gone no, I have to leave no nothing they were just gone. I think that was very rude and inexcusable. That made me even angrier than I was. I began to feel totally abandoned" I am sorry you feel alarmed but we will talk about it at your next appointment. Why? so she can get the money $110.00 weekly. all I wanted was for her to give me a workable skill to try to calm myself till my appointment. I just needed to know that what had just happened to me was not a sign I was losing my mind.
I was sitting in my kitchen on my computer and this lady's voice began to ask me questions and I heard her so clearly and I found myself answering every one of her questions out loud. Before I realized there was no one there. This has never happened to me before. I have tried to remember any of the questions which it was about 6 of them and I am drawing a total blank. I was not asleep. My stress levels have been rising so I am freaking out. I am going to cut this therapist loose. It is hard for me to reach out but when I do it is because I really need support.
One of the Therapists on this site told me that even my normal thinking was messed up and that I did not need to be a Listener so I really now won't even try. She said she went to school for 15 years to do what she does and that I just had to follow whatever she said. I did not know her like that. Trust is not automatic for me, I have been burnt too many times.
trusting.
well I guess I ranted enough, Thanks for listening
@bubblegumPuppy68 I'm sorry things have been getting worse for you. Unfortunately - for every good therapist out there - there's probably six that are in it just for the money. I'm sorry that sounds horrible on my part but I've had a few that treated me like some experiment and they made things worse for awhile - I'm sorry to hear about the therapist from here too - tbh - I often wondered what they were like - It's email based isn't it? I mean it's cheaper then going to someone but I can't see paying for a professional penpal - but that's just my opinion on it
I hate when listeners do that - it's hard enough to pluck up the courage to reach out to them - so like you said - you know things are pretty bad when you do and to have them just leave with no warning - no apologies. I mean if they can't handle the chat - ok - but let me know and i'll understand - I also understand that things pop up and they may have to go but have the decency to say something
With therapists - I understand they have work hours and outside lives but if you call during their hours - it doesn't take but a few minutes of their time to help with a few quick skills to help get through the moment and to give some reassurance - especially with the amount of money they charge
That would be scary - to hear someone out of no where asking questions - can you recall the voice? Was it a voice you recognized in anyway? I know what you mean about stress - about it getting to freak out levels. I don't blame you for cutting this therapist loose - if they can't spare a few minutes of their time that isn't an appointment - that's no good. I mean I know they have to have boudaries and all that but I still think they should be able to step up when things are really bad
Trust is an issue here too and just because someone went to school for fifteen doesn't necessarily mean that they're any good and that it automatically instills trust in them. Trust is something that needs to be built up and the smallest things can mess it all up in a heartbeat. I hope it doen't totally turn you off from therapy - I know sometimes it can take time to find one that is the right fit
Anytime you need to vent and want to vent to someone - you're allways welcome to tag me. You can rant all you like - I don't mind at all
You're welcome :) Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Many hugs Soul. I really needed to just hear some reassuring words from someone. This helps the madness and turmoil that is raging inside of me. I pray that I can soon pull myself together so I don't have a mental breakdown.
Don't think I can ever remember being in this deep of a pit before.
Trying to be like the old cat hanging on with one paw for life.
@scarletPear1945 Hugs back to you and thank you. The pit might seem deeper right now because of everything that happened all at once - between the therapist and the listener. It probably felt a little like you were dismissed and abandoned by them both - it doesn't take much for it to slip deeper down when we feel all alone
Remember - cats have claws too :)
Hello Diary:
Just thought that I would come and share my thoughts with you today. I have been trying to recover from a major episode
You know how bad and scared I was with all the hallucinations and hearing voices was. It has been so long ago that things got this out of hand that I felt like I was really losing my mind. I had not been able to sleep in days and my anxiety level was off the chart I did not know what to do or how to get myself calmed down. everything I tried was failing me. So I emailed my therapist and she basically said we would talk about it on our next visit. That just escalated me even more. The feelings of Abandonment began to course through my veins and it felt as if I were an erupting volcano ready to spew my wrath down on her and everyone that I felt disappointed me. What began as a little fire had magnified into a whole forest fire gone wild. I went online and downloaded several self-help apps. MyPossibleSelf, FeelMo, Sanvello, Woebot, and Thought Diary. I began to use these every day as self-help.I was in crises mode with no help yet not suicidal.
I really now understand the real journey that a Listener plays. I reached out to a Listener who just abandoned me left with no explanation and again the feelings of just being thrown away began to surface. I was hurting and I had nowhere to go.
What was supposed to be safe all of a sudden no longer felt safe. Support began to take on a whole different feeling. One that did not look good nor feel good. So now in my head, I am reliving past experiences. Letting my head feed my emotions until I no longer even recognized what had set me ablaze. I became afraid of myself. Realizing I was spiraling out of control I called my doctor and he prescribed me something for sleep and for depression and began taking them right away. Within a few days, I began to come back
So I came back on to 7cups and I realized I was judging all 7cups for the negligence of one listener., I have no other support than what I get on this site and my therapist which I emailed and tole her off for abandoning me when I really needed someone. As I took my meds my mindset began to come back to level ground and I was no longer irrational
and judgemental. I could now see my Black and White thinking, and the judgemental spirit I had reacted to. The lesson in all this that I learned was to seek help early and don't throw everybody in the pot of boiling water because of one or two irresponsible people. Here several people reached out to encourage me and validate me and it helped me to snap back.
I apologize to all that I was rude to. Steps I made, joined in chatrooms several times and a few times I was not acknowledged and yes my first thought was they don't want you here, but now it does not matter I just leave and no hard feelings. I am grateful for all those that helped make my scariest aspect of 7cups not feel like such a scary place.
Taking small steps to work through the stress of the chatroom. I am so deficient in being around all those people.
..
