My Silent Voice (Diary)

It has been a few years since I posted any progress or stalemates.

I have tried several Therapists here and around where I live. It has been an extremely hard process to find anyone that really seemed to give a f....... Basically, money poured down the drain. So once again I tried to go this journey alone failing miserably. Maybe because I was taking to big of bite.s that I could not digest. So now I have decided to start by taking one chump at a time. Gaining control and understanding just one piece of the puzzle of life will make a great difference. Getting real and honest with me and allowing all those numbed out hidden emotions to surface and deal with them and make peace with my subconscious mind to retrain my brain is now my focus.

Thinking things through

At this point in my journey, I must first allow my emotions to surface before I can build a firmer foundation in addressing all the inner wounds that are hidden within the body. I concluded that it is impossible to move ahead until one faces the demons that are tormenting them. In other words, face your fear. Because the mind does not know the difference in real or imaginary threats its job is just to protect us from anything it deems as a threat.

As thoughts remain impressed on the brain, it is imperative to change that images. My subconscious mind has the ability to reconstruct these thoughts with training. It is not an easy task and may even be a lifelong thing. Learning to identify all beliefs and things that no longer serve me is going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I am up to the challenge I think..

Feelings and thoughts:

Boy, I am struggling with feelings of rejection that I know are coming from my inner child and yet it still makes me have this faulty feeling that I am invisible to others.

As I sit here and try to rationalize the feelings because I know in my head that this may not be true it is just baggage from my past of not being seen or heard.

I attempt to work on my issues as they surface so I can find the reason for the emotion. I do a lot of research for self-help yet it all seems to be just head knowledge without the ability to put it into practice. I try to enlarge my ability to come from behind my hidden self by getting involved with different groups here and yet I still feel like I am lost somewhere lost within my own landmine of emotions, feeling trapped and unable to break free.

To me, it seems as if the main problem is the self, myself. I want life to be better and the issues that plague me to be resolved but yet I find an outer resistance that seems to wage war against me that resists going inward digging down into the muck of where it all began. It is an intense resistance that seems to be a barrier with a roadblock sitting in front of me.

I have sawt professional help so many times and none have been able to help me breakthrough. I feel it is imperative to my future growth that this needs to happen but I have no direction.

There is no gain for me to stay in this place and I don't want to remain in this dark place but yet I am here. Like being in the wrong time frame of life, being totally out of sink with the universe. But I am here in the present in this body and in this state of mind searching for answers.

Becoming my authentic self-journey Through recognizing my hidden truths and beliefs:

For far too many years I have been trapped in my past traumatic issues wandering around in unproductive circles getting nowhere. In order for change to come to me, I must be willing to accept change. What I am learning is that, If I do nothing to change things then how can I expect any change.

I am asking anyone who will take this journey with me, and let's find our lost identity. The ability to heal is in our hands and I could not recognize it because I was blinded by the hurt and the shame and pain. Learning to let go and forgive was no easy chore, But it is giving me a release of all that negative energy. moving out the negative self-talk and the bitterness that was so rooted deep in my body that it was working against every attempt to move forward. It was working on me physically as well as emotionally. Feelings and thoughts that I felt as long as they were unspoken it was alright but yet I felt angry within and resentful I secretly wanted revenge. I still get triggered when I think of this stuff but as I acknowledge my truths and motivates the chokehold is beginning to What I allow my mind to tell me truth or lie. It is only keeping me safe and it likes to do what keeps it safe and comfortable in what it is used to. I have got to bring that inner critic silenced by not allowing it to talk all that negative stuff. I see it now.

@NoneTheWiser

I am humbled by your wanting to take this journey with me. I send much love and light to you and all of us here who are trying to heal.

Thank you

Baby steps out of my comfort zone, Being Accountable for me to me;

First step: Who am I? Who do people say I am? Who do I say and feel I am?

The first thoughts is what my head tells me. That is that I am insecure, I am unable to trust myself, I have a huge fear of abandonment, I live in fear of something happening to me all the time. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel paranoid most of the time. ​I wear a mask to disguise the pain I feel within. I hate the way I look. I feel less then a woman or wife because of my inability to be affectionate. I am numb to my own emotions. I stay in a dysfunctional relationship for fear of being alone and being victimized again.

Who people think I am: People think I am this knowledgeable secure person with great insight. Loving and caring person. They see me as this come to person when they have problems or need answers. They see me as this person they can trust and one that they can call on 24/7. They see me as truthful and honest. They see me as secure in who I am and a happy go lucky person.

Who I see me : When I don't allow my critic to talk to me this is who I see me to be. A

woman with purpose, a woman who refuses to be jerked over anymore, determined to heal from all this past BS. A caring person, a person of great determination. a woman who does not give up easy. I have a gall about myself to prove negative things spoke about me to be wrong. When I am told I can't, I show them I can. A strength that I often fail to see in myself. I am a person who seeks knowledge and understanding on life issues. I am talent and am extremely gifted with creativity. Yet I struggle with insecurity.

These are my truths:

Now the work begins, stepping into the shoes of accountability for what I allow to board this train to ride with me. All beliefs and Programing that are not mine will have to go for they do not serve me well anymore. I am the Conductor of my train. If you don't get a ticket from me, you can't board.

Dealing with my critic voice:

My critic voice began to form in childhood: It began to make conclusions according to what was experienced by the adult care giver, at a time when I was too young to be able to make sense of what was happening or being done to me. So, my mind associated feeling of what they were seeing. Children blame themselves when things are not right If this is not corrected by the age of 6 to 9 it gets stuck and we began to feed this critic and it feeds us on the lies it assumed when we were younger causing us to have defective thoughts about ourselves, and the inability to know how to silence that voice. We begin to believe it to be true. What I failed to realize was that I chose the emotion and thought attached to what was happening to me at that time. So, guess what? I can now go back in time and change that thought or belief to what works for me now. So now I am going back in time and one by one find that program and rewrite the script. I am just now realizing I can change the script and rewrite it to fit what I want and what I believe to be my Authentic roll is.

The War in my head.

I have been on such a long long journey just to find who I am and better yet whose I am. Years and years of separation from self and soul. A living being yet dead within. Always searching and longing to just belong somewhere or fit somewhere. The ability to feel ok in my own skin. The desirer to just be able to have some kind of Attachment to my Tribe. Loneliness I have had my share and my cup runs over with the Spirit of Abandonmentday after day. The harder I try seems the further back I go. It's as if the universe is playing some cruel joke on me. I fall down so often that my knees are scarred and maimed. Yet I rise. Mustarding up all the strength and courage to take on another day with anticipation that this will be the day that will bring me that expected desire to pass. But then the daylight gets swallowed up by the overcasting of the darkness that soon consumes all the light. Thoughts, flashbacks, the critic, fear anger, and rage that kindles by daylight but is fueled by night.

Today Is Therapy day and I always get nervous and can not sleep the night before. Heart racing and stomach jumping. My anxiety level already off the roof. Why I ask myself do I get this way Maybe because of some of the hard stuff surfacing that frightens me. The EMDR has been unhelpful as I still don't trust her nor the process fully. I have been thrown to the wolves by so many of these so-called professionals that just the very thought of once again reaching out for their support makes my stomach nauseous. The other reworking is because I am so emotionally numb to my feeling and my therapist said the EMDR is based on my ability to relax, feel safe, and allow my emotions to arise so I can face them. I thought this EMDR was going to be something that would be quick and painless. Boy, was I wrong? It is hard and it is painful and it is no easy plight. I can only hope that the end results make it all worthwhile. My strength and zeal are wearing down.

@NoneTheWiser

As usual, you made my day. . Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really do want to change my life things just get so hard.

Th God my first brake through with the VA, They are going to do a video evaluation in the morning. Then some more testing throughout the week. I am so thankful that someone heard my plead for assistance. Hopefully, this is going to be able to see the progression of his symptoms. Which in turn if they give him some treatment or give me some help it will take a lot of stress off of me.

Therapy went well yesterday, She gave me some books to read and a coloring journal to work on with my assignments on learning how to feel my emotions which was something I should have learned as a child, but was never allowed to have any feelings. I never understood why I was emotionally numb nor why I could not identify any emotion except anger or rage. In my research, I have discovered that Cognitive reasoning should have taken place at the age of 6-9 years of age.

It is amazing how things like this can repress future development to a point that the adult us has missed essential growth stages. This is why we find ourselves still stuck because we failed to be allowed to develop in a healthy way.

Now that I know what my problem is and what caused the problem I am able now to gather the tools I need to fix the holes in my walls. I never realized that my house that is my body had holes in it. I guess it is like the old saying you don't miss what you never had would be an appropriate phrase for what I am describing.

Goal

(1). Allow my self to feel

(2). Learn to identify what that emotion is and stay with it.

These are where I am going to begin.

Today I made a big embarrassing blunder in the Group Support been Room. I am ashamed to show my face.

I was so busy trying to hurry to type I did not notice they were not ready and wanted me to wait. So I kept typing only to look up and find all the messages and a message that said next time follow the order of the group guidelines. How embarrassing that was. I just started trying to become a part of a group and probably won't show my face for a while.

One of the reasons that I won't try to move forward to take part in doing other stuff.

@bubblegumPuppy68 Hi I messed up in a group once and the moderator told me that we can't discuss that subject. They are always reminding people about the different rules. I hope that you won't feel to embarassed , we all make mistakes.

@adventurousBranch3786

I really do feel to embarrassed to go back for a while.I have never been comfortable being in a group support room so I had stopped trying to participate. But I thought I would challenge myself and try once again. I did good in my first two sessions but the one the other day, I messed up royally. I knew they only give you 5 minutes and they asked if I would like to go first and I thought they meant go so I typed the aster and just kept typing. I never looked up from my keyboard as I type slow and have to look at the keys. They were posting to me to stop that they were not ready but I never looked up to see them until I had finished. That was so humiliating and embarrassing.

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

I can't seem to let go of the mess up in the group support chat room. I go in and just listen I have allowed my mess up to set me back in my

Why am I allowing myself to withdraw? Back into that shell of fear. Where is this feeling coming from? My mom tried to make me be a perfectionist in everything I did. Anything less than perfect she would make me do it over and over till I got it right.5 or 6 hours of doing that task over and over. I had a Flashback of that. The Moderator was gentle with me but yet I felt so embarrassed and hurt for having not looked up to see they were not ready for me to begin to share. my focus was to post quickly. I have all ways stayed away from the group stuff here because I am so uncomfortable and I get extra nervous. They tried to console me of my mistake. But I think I have allowed it to set me back. I am second-guessing everything right now maybe obsessing over things. I never knew that something like that so small could or would impact me this way.

As I try to dissect this it sounds so stupid yet it is so real, Got to find my way out of this rabbit hole.

@scarletPear1945 Hi Scarlet. I understand how you feel, but I for one can attest that we are human. And as a human, we all make mistakes and accidents are a way of life. Its how we learn to do things correctly. You know this and so does everyone in that room. The embarrassment that you are feeling is real but i think its being over amplified. "No harm, no foul". I think u should get back in there now that ur feet are wet and do good things. Let the past be the past, u learned how the place works, now maximize it. U can do it. Keep marching forward with your head held high. God invented the word "OOOPS" for a reason. Say ooopsie daisey, giggle a bit and keep on truckin. *hugs*

@PerfectStorm426

Hey Storm, God it is good to hear from you. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes but good tears.

Thank you and you are right. I hate to let anything get the best of me.

How are you doing? has things gotten any better for you?

I miss you Be safe and be encouraged just as you have stood by me in my journey. I am here for you anytime.

Thoughts I dare never speak aloud......

Covid came knocking at my door, I refused to answer the door, for I had already been warned. I washed my hands and wore my mask, stayed at home and did my tasks. Yet Covid came when I was least aware. My guard was down my focus was blurred. Covid had found another way in. So unsuspecting I never had a clue that day would bring to life my worst fear. No longer was it near but now it was here. Taunting and messing with my head. As echoes of coughing ring in my head. I will not surrender today so Please Please go away.

@NoneTheWiser

Just about out of the woods with Covid19, feeling a lot better. Still no smell or taste and a slight cough.

Thanks for thinking about me.. been feeling pretty alone and lonely. This isolation is getting me depressed

@scarletPear1945

We brought you a friend :) You've been in my thoughts

@NoneTheWiser Great Minds ;)

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you thank you so much I really need a friend

thanks so much

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome - I hope as each day passes you're feeling better and better

I love you all

@scarletPear1945 I hope that you are feeling better!

@scarletPear1945 I hope that you are feeling better!

@adventurousBranch3786

I am doing ok. Thanks for checking on me

@bubblegumPuppy68 I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright!

@adventurousBranch3786

You are specal

@scarletPear1945 You popped into my thoughts today - How are you?

Your avatar made me think of this :)

@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts - I hope you and yours are doing ok - sending you good vibes

@mytwistedsoul

I am all right physically struggling mentally big time

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry you're struggling. I know you're doing the best you can

Sending you some good vibes and leaving a hug for you

@mytwistedsoul
How are you? just want to say thanks 4 being here to support my crazyness

@scarletPear1945 You're very welcome :)
I'm hanging in there I guess. Thank you so much for asking. How are you? Your last few posts have been so great to read! Like a fire has been lit inside you :) It's so wonderful to see! You got this!

@mytwistedsoul
always thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers

Hello, my silent diary:

Just Thinking things over:.......It has been a while diary that I have posted to you. However, I have really been doing some real soul searching. Trying to evaluate the thoughts I feed myself on a daily basis. Looking for faulty thinking process that no longer serve me. I seem. This seems to be my whole unhealthy mind. Where these ideas came from and when did they become a part of my thought process.

I began to make a list of things that keep my head messed up and triggered. Focus is not here right now maybe I need to try this later.

I am in such a bad place and it is not getting any better. Therapy just is not working and I feel like hell. I keep trying and trying to feel better but nothing seems to be working. I see my therapist once a week and even that seems like years between appointments. I keep trying all the things that deal with this but I feel so numb and I feel like all emotions and feelings are dying too
Feeling this effort is just futile and unproductive for me. I don't want to put a damper on anyone else recovery By but doing this year after year has just depleted my strength and will to keep fighting this battle. It sucks that I spend a fortune getting help while the culprits go on with life but have F.....ed up our lives and they go unscathed.

*sitting with you* You're not a fool and I don't think anything has to do with age. I do understand what you mean about here and asking for help in plain solid words and nothing comes of it. It's hard to find a listener that gives solid feedback or any feedback at all tbh. If you let yourself be vulnerable and reach out through the check ins - noone ever checks back with you. It ends up making you feel so much worse. I don't think alot of people fully understand how hard it is to ask in the first place
I know I'm not best with words and I don't have alot of answers but I hear you - you're welcome to reach out to me anytime - if you want - ok? I give you my word - no judgement - no pressure - just a friendly ear

@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry if you didn't want any replies to this