My Silent Voice (Diary)

Hello diary: Been trying to stay away from you because you make me think and feel things I don't want to. I yet in some ways want to tell you what is on my mind. But sometimes I find it hard to convey my thoughts to you in what may be considered productive way. I want to say so many things to you but I don't want to anger the Master. I don't want to open the door to any more trauma. So maybe I'll just keep my mouth and let the war inside be that silent battleground of inward emotions that I'll just sweep over and close my eyes and maybe somehow and some way someone will come along and clean my house.

I do not like a dirty house, It is totally unacceptable. Moma said cleanliness is next to Godliness.

back again, thought I'd share an emotional feeling with you today: This is just between you and I. Cross my heart and hope to die our secrete.

I feel like a mutation of a person. I feel like the emotions I was supposed to have as a woman stole and robbed from me. I am dead emotionally. Love that I can not feel nor give So much of who I could have been that has just changed my whole life. Relationships that might have been now flushed away. The real me can no longer step forward because she is non-existent.

Hello: Diary;

today I just revealed a secret that I have never told. I told my therapist what I did and now I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Not sure that I can even talk to her again. OMG. What was I thinking? I don't think she will hold it against me, But I do I take full responsibility for my actions. I made the choice no matter how wrong it was I made the choice to do what I did. With my history, I don't know why I did that it was out of character for me. Yet it seemed so defying so powerful to control the situation for once.

The power of being in control, May God forgive me.

@scarletPear1945

I feel the same way that you feel. This describe me.

All my friends claim to have mental illnesses but tell everyone, meaning everyone feels sorry for them. So let's say their is a fight everyone would immediately go on their side because they are 'depressed. But so am I. I'm pansexual, I have moderate depression and anxiety, I go on week long fasts because I hate the way I look. Also I self harm. And nobody cares for me. But I'm not going to tell people for attention....that's why I came here...

Why is it that people who are your family do so much to hurt one another? Wonder why life is so hard to live? Wonder why God allows so many bad things and he does nothing about it? Wonder how many people are really happy in this world? wonder how many true Christians there is today? Wonder why we go to church? Wonder how many people really believe the Bible? I wonder how many true friends there are today?

I JUST WONDER

Hello Diary

Pondering over yesterdays events. I was so upset with my family. I felt like I just wanted to kill off someone. I know this sounds a bit extream, but never the less it was how I felt. Nothing makes me angrier than someone taking me dumb or stupid.

Then I realize No one knows your story but your therapist. They don't know what you've had to contend with. They just know wife and mother. Don't know whether knowing would make a difference or not. But I think I'll just carry it to my grave.

Hello Diary:

It's me again, This week has been very eventful lots of wars erupted from within. But I fought my battles well and I stood my ground. Tired of running and tucking my tail as I fleed the scene. Today a victory I have won when the demons of hell tried to torment my soul. They scolded my soul as they ranted and raged. No place did I give the darts that were thrown. Today a victory I won, When they saw I stood so tall and sure they whispered words in the silence of night plans and plots to no avail. The arrows they threw were no match for me, They mounted their weapons an began an attack.The first arrow they shot was YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I in return raised my bow I shot the arrow I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH it hit dead center that villain vanished into then air. Another arrow was shot at me this arrow came with my name on it, It missed me by a mere fraction of what seemed like a hair. It came so close I felt the wind as it passed, That made me angry I grabbed my last and the only arrow pulled back with all my might as I aimed for the heart. Eyes fixed on the target I let go and watched as my arrow flew. Dead Center I hit that foe down to the ground the demon was gone. Today This battle I won

hello, diary............This has been a heck of a day. My body hurts I think it's because I've been so angry and agitated.thought I was filling up my tank but I sprung a leak my gas tank hand is on the E......I feel like I am just running on the fumes. I want to be grateful and mindful and in the Present in the here and now but the struggle seems to be defeating and depleting All eyes on me to do right to be right to think right to treat right to talk right. I know I should and I have and all I get in return.is another spit in the eye.

Why is life so hard, why is being treated with decency now so rare? Trying to take ownership of what already should be what's rightfully mine.

THOUGHTS :

Just sitting here wondering what is the LIFE LESSON, that I am supposed to be learning from all the issues of life?

What message is my brain supposed to gain and master in this game of life? My thought is that no matter what happens we should see it through POSITIVE EYES. It does not matter the extent of the wounds or hurts, just look at them, feel them, and let them go.

FOCUS: on the gratitude and Gratefulness and my Attitude. All must be reflected in Positive Energy toward the Universe for anything less will be unproductive, futile and useless. I guess the quote that says " FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT'. I've done that all my life. Now I want and seek answers to questions asked, not just relying on to dictate or thrust their beliefs