My Diary place

@Avaray your messages have disapeared, not really sure why bad 7cups

This is not my best, I do not have all my things with me.

I have worn out papa, mama and momie so I thought I would draw. Kind of my own art therapy by myself, maybe one day they will be worth 2-3 euroes

Trigger warning and this is my angry post (Feminism, abuse and religion)
Now I might get banned after writing this although I will try to redact at least some of it, the method I have chosen to do as such might not work. So, this could be my last post but I am bloody angry about some things so this is me being honest. If I do get this out then I do not think I will feel all that much better. Since I have an ear infection again and my head hurts I am somewhat grumpy plus there was a really mean goose at the park. Plus, again my legs have really been hurting over the last few days. Three issues although I am strong opinions on other things, this directly involves me and my anger. If you are still reading this is angry but it is honest, good luck.

Feminism Neo-Postmodern – There still seems to be this idea that the people can tell women that they are not allowed to have complete and absolute of their own bodies this is complete horse shit. Masculinity and femininity are piss bugger concepts that are only present in our societies because we allow them to be, there are lots of men that feminists although perhaps they do not understand they are, even then some tend to be protective more so over girls than boys, this is nonsense crap that needs to fuck off. If I understand the consequences then I am going to have as much cock sucking sex, birth control stuff and abortions as a fucking well like, OK! It is my shitting body and if any kunt dickhead of a man tells me that I am not allowed to what I bloody well with my body then he can go fuck himself and then I will rip his fucking testicles off. My body is my body no one has any fucking right to tell me or any woman what the fucking hell they want to do with it (I know I am not a woman yet). At this time, I perhaps do not understand the consequences but it is retarded that someone can tell women what they can do or cannot do. If it is not your body so you can go FUCK OFF! We have not even got to neo-postmodern feminism yet we are still carrying the same shit around with us and for some twat reason not been able to let it be thrown.

Thought crimes - One in 100 people (adults) have sexual thoughts towards children, most do not act on those thoughts and I am not about to convict people of having thoughts. Still, what fucking morons in their right fucking mind thinks to themselves, you know we have been punishing people the same way for centuries, it has not worked but fuck it let

This became almost 2000 words so I decided to rename it.

Amalies Lecture - Where are the aliens at people?

The Drake Equation version 2
So, I think everyone knows about the Drake equation, but I will go over it just to make sure that you have not forgotten parts of it. In 1961 Frank Drake created an equation to estimate the probability of active extra-terrestrials, in other words what is the likelihood that there are aliens out there that we could communicate with us. This is sort of the basis around and the purpose of SETI, which today aims to use radio waves to discover them aliens. Only once did they pick up something which is now referred to as the WOW signal. It is a Fermi estimate so it is not really an attempt to tell us how many alien civilizations. So, this is the equation:

N represents the number of possible alien civilisations out there that could talk to us. R* is the average rate of star formation in our galaxy, there is no evidence that life could exist on a rogue planet which no longer orbits of a star although theoretically it is possible. Fp the number of stars with planets around them, which today is calculated by a light reduction of light emitted by a star. Ne is the average number of planets that could potentially support life. Earth and Mars are both within the habitable zone in a traditional sense, in that both planets are close enough to be warmed by the sun, but not too hot to kill everything but not too far to freeze [like Canada right now]. This has been questioned, most likely there is life outside this zone in our solar system. As yet we do not know if there is life, but SETI, NASA, ESA and other organisations think there is a high likelihood that life, even in micro form could exist on Mars and Venus, but also Titan Saturns largest moon, Callisto and Ganymede both moons of Jupiter. Most promising of all is Europa another moon of Jupiter it is thought to have more liquid water than Earth although it is 10 miles or 16 Kilometres below the surface.

Fl is the fraction of planets that could go on to support life, this is particularly important to consider that new stars are being created in stellar nurseries in which planets are yet to be formed. Fi is the fraction that could support not just life, but intelligent life. Fc refers to the fraction of civilizations that could develop a technology detectable from space. Considering the amount of time before our species developed such technology, radios and television signals, it could be a while before aliens also developed those or similar technologies. According to Emily Lakdawalla (2012) the signals humans have produced have only travelled 200 light years, which is not a lot and most likely has been affected by electromagnetic radiation. The closest solar system to us is Proxima Centauri, about 4.24 light years from us. The most distant habitable exoplanet [we know of] is Kepler-443b which is 2540 light years away. This makes it sound like we are close to other stars and exoplanets, but the span of our rather small Milky Way is 100,000 light years across so 200 light years is not a lot. Another galaxy we know of is M87, which is 980,000 light years across. We are very tiny, sorry. The L and most important part, is the length of time developed civilisations last which might sound a bit odd, but during the cold war we could have been all killed by nuclear weapons (that was before I was born though) and with climate change we still might be. Lets all think positively and try our best to reduce our impact on the only known planet that can support humans.

So, the updated version The Drake, Ward and Brownlee Equation
Now that you have absorbed all that lovely information we can move towards version 2. It would look something like this:

This will include some scary maths but hold on, I will end with hope. This new equation now includes five more factors, one of which is mine. Wc is the cosmic weather in 1859 an event called the ‘Carrington Event hit our planet caused by solar coronal mass ejection or solar flare. Since it was 1859 it did not cause much damage to us, but what is cause for worry is that earth and any other technological advanced alien civilization that uses the same kind of technology as we do. This in effect produced a massive EMP blast which has the ability to completely destroy every electrical device which could never be fixed. In 1859 it did destroy telegram stations as well as electrocuting telegram operators. Today we rely on satellites, iPads, computers, power plants, nuclear power plants, planes, cars and in fact everything. If it happened the 5000-6000 planes that are always in the sky would crash, nuclear and chemical plants would do their thing [blow up or whatnot]. In short if we were not dead in the first go, the lack of food, heat and light would kill the rest of us shortly afterwards. Scientists and governments are slowly reacting to this possibility, but we are far from safe. If the same is true alien cultures they would also share our fate.

Ni is that we are simply not interesting enough, I know us not interesting who would have thought it? Our planet has a lot of life on it, but we might not be remarkable to alien life which closely links to the next two factors. Ls is not enough resources, although we think that oil is important to us because it is, if an alien civilization had the ability to find us and they were looking for resources earth does not have a lot of them. Our moon as more helium 3 than Earth does, but then we have found a quasar called APM 08279+5255 [such a catchy name if you ask me] not only does it have a black hole 20 billion times the mass of our star it produces more energy than a thousand trillion suns. What is more interesting is the body of water around it containing 140 trillion times more water than found on Earth. Water is important for many reasons, not only is water essential to life [as we know it] it can be broken down into oxygen and hydrogen, which in nuclear fusion could create an almost endless source of energy. That reaction would also produce helium yet another source of energy. So, we come to Mo being the motives of any given alien civilizations, they could be more interested in exploring inner space not outer space, they could be interested in themselves not to them aliens like us. On our planet, there are other species that can plan, adapt and many other things, but none of them so far appear to have an interest in exploring space. For aliens this might also be true, perhaps we are the only ones that can even think about space travel as it requires bizarre abstract thinking to do so.

Last of all we have Ci, Stephen Webb who will are soon to meet, says that if our moon was a mile bigger or smaller we would have an unstable climate. That fact for eons the moon has helped to stabilise earth's climate and also stabilised Earth's rotational axis means we have had a very stable climate. Allowing our species to develop in relative constant conditions. So not only would alien planets have to be in habitat zones relative to their sun, they would also need a moon about the same size as ours to make exoplanets habitable. The fact we are here and our planet is here is remarkable, for there to be another planet with aliens capable of communicating with us would also have to be remarkable. Before we get to the maths there is good news, we know that comets can carry amino acids the building blocks for life and we do not know a great deal about space. We could be wrong and what we can see from our little planet is just the start. We are here against all odds, we are lucky and there could be another planet as lucky out there waiting for us to find it and perhaps the aliens on that planet to find us in the vastness of space. And space is VAST beyond all imagination, the furthest human made object is NASAs Voyager 1 spacecraft launched in 1977. In 2000 it passed the Heliopause, where the influence of our sun is so low it matches what is found in interstellar space. As of February 2018, it was 3 billion miles or 21 billion kilometres from us, that is 0.0051032338506975 light years. Yes, we still have a long way to go, but lets hope and never give up.

So now comes the depressing and rather sad part thanks to Stephen Webb. It is time for the mathematics. What are the odds of their being an alien life out there which match the Drake, Ward and Brownlee Equation.

Out of the trillion planets we know only some are habitable exoplanets planet for life this reduces the number to a billion.
Out of the billion planets those that have a stable climate reduces this to a million.
Out of the million planets those that could start life, reduce it to thousands.
Out of the thousands of planets, complex life could be found in 1 of those planets.
Out of the 1 planet those that have developed complex useful tools reduces it to 1 in 1000 galaxies.
Out of the 1 in 1000 galaxies those that develop complex knowledge of science and maths reduces this to 1 in a million galaxies.
Out of the 1 in a million those that have social aliens able to communicate abstract concepts like space exploration reduces to 1 in a billion galaxies.
Out of the 1 in a billion that are not destroyed by cosmic or self-destruction reduces it to 1 in a trillion galaxies.

I did a picture to cheer you up. Thanks Stephen Webb for that depressing maths but remember two things space is vast and we really have not started out on our own exploration. Still, lets make sure we survive by looking after each other and our planet. In time we might just be able to find intelligent alien life that can communicate with us. The cosmos is amazing.

Visiting Six Exoplanets - I found this which is a VR thing but if you are using a computer you can use the mouse to look around. These are some exoplanets that people have found that are out there.

An OCD update
Although I do not consider myself to have OCD, the compulsions of reducing anxiety through certain behaviour is still present, perhaps more than I care to admit. Washing my hands once is now more normal than it has been for a long time, but the anxiety to wash them again, as it feels, is still there albeit weaken by rational reinforcement. I cannot eat food that has been prepared by someone I do not know unless of course it comes from a place where it is wrapped. My brain being as such, does not wish to consider it was made by humans rather is produced then manifested by mystical forces for my consumption. Little devils talk to me providing doubt what is safe and what is unsafe regardless of truth.

Those around me, challenge me through exposure and talking, it perhaps is working, but again, I do not wish to admit, that is not the precedent wished for. It can only be followed by more anxiety and more challenge. Going out wearing gloves does not resolve the need to wash my hands when I return to the safety of a known place. As if the gloves do not provide protection other than from the cold. It is then easier to say the anxiety follows that which is not known to me rather than those things which are. For the known a compromise with myself can be achieved, it is unclear how this is accomplished. I never said I was rational, that would be too normal and normal is what everyone is. Such a boring state to be held within.

Achievements of eating unwrapped food by the unknowns and washing my hands just once are and should be considered to be steps towards significance. Still, our species is disorganised and for that I am ungrateful, for me since it cannot be achieved internally it must be presented externally. Order is not an option, at least not for now. Things have to be the way they are but things need to be different. A shelf of fairy tales, a shelf of theology, a shelf of science, these things need to be separate but as I learn more the less distinctive these categories are. Now I understand why certain ignorance is a blessing least it to be compared to stupidity. It also provides a contradiction for unknowns to become knowns should in theory make them safe.

Self-abasement is cruel to push upon myself, it would be cruel to anyone but then leaves me feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps it is time to admit the self-abased approach is no longer warranted, like guilt and shame, it should not be held by me. As those words feel wrong, they mean something at least in the part of myself that I considered to be controlled by me. So, acceptance, perhaps is the answer. Things have improved and like an overture it needs to be played from beginning to end before such acceptance is truly acceptable, before understanding is known. Like all things, one step at one time is the way of knowing how to resolve such preoccupations. It would help though if anxiety would itself be directed at things it needs to be rather than things it does not. That it should be said is not only the difficult part but unpleasant.

What can

Please come home again,
before you disappeared I never…
I hoped you would come home,
to be with me again.

I never thought one day,
things would simply end.
If I knew perhaps things…
could be different but
then again.

Things could have been different
dreams though because…
Now you have disappeared.
It feels like this will never end.
Having no hope again.

Because there is one thing,
that I need to say.
I love you until the end.
Please come home again,
Please let this not be the end.