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My Diary place

AmalieAnne July 19th, 2017

Not sure who will read it or if anyone wants to, so I guess it is for me. I can put things here when I need to and if you are reading this remember it is just the ramblings of me. So I will put things here and it will not get in anyone elses way.

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AmalieAnne OP April 8th, 2019

Approaching Storm

AmalieAnne OP April 22nd, 2019

2 replies
Avaray April 22nd, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Beautiful Aimes xx

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP April 26th, 2019

@Avaray Dank je Beaming with smiling eyes

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AmalieAnne OP April 30th, 2019

I have synaesthesia which to me is when I get my senses get confused or I perceive one sense as another. Although 1 in 20 people have some form of this, my brother and sister have it but with one difference, it can overwhelm me. When I was little it was just way too much and kind of really scary, now it happens when there is too much sound or I am tired so need a little sleep. Swimming pools when the sounds bounce all over the place or markets such as those in Spain can be difficult. Seeing sounds is kind of normal but it has always been difficult. Although this might sound horrible it is kind of is part of me and I am not sure I would want it taken away from me. When I was little, I think we had about 50 different touches that told me thing, kind of only have about 20 now. So, for swimming (or in general) two taps near my eyes and one on my forehead is a question, meaning can you see? Then I can respond yes or no, if no it means do not let go of me (well mommy kind of knows that so she would not). Swimming is really tactical though so I am learning to use the touch of water to help and when I have my ears in the water it is really weird.

So how can I explain this to anyone, when I play the violin there are two things that come from the interaction of the bow with the strings. It has always been controlling the bow that has been the most difficult part for me. The first is vibration, most people do not separate this from the next, but this is a very tactile. I can feel it in my fingers and it travels through my body. Sadly, YouTube does not give me this but anyone playing near me means I can feel it. The other thing is changes in sound pressure; this is the part that deaf people cannot hear although they can feel the vibrations. While sound pressure comes from the bow interacting with the strings, the vibrations comes from fingers. This is why touch is so important to me but trust me the doppler effect is really beautiful. The changes in pressure are perceived by my ears but they look like fine sand or particles that emanate from the things that make them (they also bounce off walls). Low notes are slow, damp blue sounds that are very heavy. They drop and fall to the ground slowly. Whereas, high notes are red fast moving powerful light particles that have so much energy they bounce around a lot. The interaction can be quite magical because if you have the slow damp moving particles which is then followed more faster yellow or red particles they push through the blues and greens.

So, I have been trying to find something that explains what I see because it is just impossible to explain it as how I experience it. I have been trying for a way to explain it in a more visual way but I am not sure how to until I found this video. This video is based on John Hull expressions on becoming blind but explains it really well. The genus of putting John Hull perceptions into this video is just amazing. Even though I can see perfectly fine apart from a little loss on the left side but that is for another reason. I invite you to see what kind of I can hear. So, if you watch this on a computer you can use the mouse to look around or you can do it on your phone (I tested it on mommy

AmalieAnne OP June 4th, 2019

Avaray June 13th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames xx

How u doing...

I'm still fighting flu been off work almost a week, but on the mend.

Just wanted to say hi

Hugs (germ free💜)

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP June 14th, 2019

@Avaray
Hello,
I am doing okay just a little down this week for the normal reasons, I guess. Just feeling a little down but I had a Dutch exam yesterday which was ok, then a biology exam on Tuesday afternoon, I think. Kind of depends on if they have someone do the exam because I will answer the questions by me speaking not writing. Which is good because I cannot spell a lot of the words and it is a higher. How are you? Did you get the flu infection? I will hug you back but only if you are wearing the spacesuit.

*Spacesuit hugs*

1 reply
Avaray June 29th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey Aimes xx

I'm sorry you have been feeling down my friend, hugs (germ free spacesuit protected of course)

How did your exams go...

How you feeling...

I ended up with a really bad dose of flu/bronchitis type it hit really fast and badly and ended up at the drs and off work one day short of a week, am still a bit gungy but at least my breathing etc is better.

And I passed my exam by some miracle, a real answer to prayer.

I was so stressed out and the examining lady that watches etc told me just to breathe, i was almost in tears, which i don't like at the best of times. But anyway that ones over...next one on the go as i write on August.

On you on holiday break at the mo?

How's things going by you xx

Hugs dear Ames 💜

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP July 2nd, 2019

@Avaray

Hello Avaray,

First of all, full contamination procedures must be undertaken, so from this day on you will be wearing the spacesuit unless you need a bath or something. You passed your exam so well done although I doubt praying did much to help rather hard work. Exams only bother me a little because they are just games really. They do not test my understanding of something that well still, I know many people find them stressful. Now you know you can do well in an exam with some hard work, you do not need to worry so much about the next one. You next one will be fine. You have had a whole person come out of your body which is freaking weird and completely gross, so what is a written exam compared to that? Give me the exam any day!!!!!!

As for my exams well, I got 97% on my Dutch exam if you exclude the spelling part which is kind of a little worse than that (around 60% on that). Darn you Dutch people! With my diploma you only need to know two languages so I have already done the highers on them. Of course, French Literature I studied Victor Hugo and he writes very long books. So Dutch is just learning Dutch even if I get frustrated. It helps though because Mommy knows Dutch so when we go shopping, she will say something in Dutch and then I have to work it out. Then in the morning every day apart from the weekends a practice then as well. As for my biology exam I am not sure it was a higher so it gets sent to a wizard or something to get marked.

I am on Summer holiday now apart from three weeks of violin lessons but that is not really school. So, my holiday project is to do the ‘Theory of Knowledge

AmalieAnne OP July 23rd, 2019

@Avaray Are you ok Avaray?

1 reply
Avaray July 24th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo xx

Sorry... I'm sort of ok Ames, but will be. Been dealing with a lot therapy wise and also studying for my next exam in Aug, and we had to put my dog to sleep which messed with me more than I like to admit, sort of triggering I suppose, dealing with the sadness thereof. I don't do sad well, type of a domino effect I suppose. Xx

How you doing Ames?

Hugs 💕

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP July 24th, 2019

@Avaray

I am sorry that you lost your doggy, that is sad but maybe try to be sad for a little bit. Then after your August exam can you give yourself a break for a little bit? I am ok just waiting until holiday time Slightly smiling so.. keep getting confused but I think the 9th or so.

1 reply
Avaray July 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Thanks Ames xx

I have a bad coping skill of avoid and numb, so automatic, but not helpful to resolve issues, just buries another layer of sad ontop of another, something to unlearn i suppose... I don't like to feel sad because it feels like it will open up all the buried sad and that feels quite overwhelming. I know i need to i just don't know how to if that makes sense, although it's serms we're heading that direction in therapy... Scary thought.

A break does sound like a good idea after my exam...maybe write again in Feb instead of Nov... Will see how it goes..

Holidays.... A wonderful things to look forward to. . it seems to take forever to get there though..aaahh

Are you going away? We've hit a -4 in areas here but seems to be warming up again.

Hugs dear Smes

Holiday

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP July 25th, 2019

@Avaray

Hello,

I am not sure what good coping skills are when it comes to that but I think you mean that going away in your head kind of thing. Maybe you could sit with being sad, cry or get some paint out even share it so it is not just your sadness (they are mostly Suzannas ideas). I can say painting helps a lot, it kind of surprises the sad feelings because they are not expecting it.

Maybe a break so you can have a little break plus it will be Christmas so… you can eat more candy canes. As for my holiday we are going on 8th August (had to check the fridge) so looking forward to it, I have a fixed granddad so a fixed granddad pillow. It is really hot in Europe right now and kind of here as well about 24 degrees but in London in is about 37 in Paris 41 but in Barcelona about 28 degrees. So if you like it warm but not too warm head for Barcelona Savoring food That is better than your -4 degrees.

Your homework is to express feeling sad ok?! *hugs* You can just use a pen and paper or you can do anything actually. Maybe have a cuddle little(ir) with someone. I will be checking your work so I hope you get a good mark for it lady!

Ame

P.S. I am not bossy

1 reply
Avaray August 3rd, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey amazing Ames...

I didn't do the allowed to feel sad... Not a subject i can handle well... It feels like it will be too intense.... I did the cowardly thing... Numbed it, avoided it and been eating too much.... So definitely no candy canes for Christmas... Big gulp 😧

The 8th is just around the corner.. Hang in there kiddo you're almost there xx

I have 10 days before i write and soooo much still to do... I think i will postpone my next exam untill next year to give my body/mind a chance to just feel a little like a human being again.

Hugs Dear Ames 💕🍫

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP August 6th, 2019

@Avaray

Hello Lady Avaray,

I believe that I have a song for you but first do not under estimate yourself, you held a snake which was quite a fright and you have become forgiving towards monkeys. So, even though some things being once necessary to run away in your head from, never forget they can be expressed indirectly. That is why art itself was created, so the song:

https://youtu.be/Mdkyc686VIg

Also candy canes are not optional, they are very much mandatory with either delight or dread. You are doing your best in any case so stop being a mean girl towards yourself or I will be kicking your bottom. As for Thursday'ish there will be a lot of crying and that is just Granddad! Ok more kind of me but it still feels like a really long time before I see Granny and Granddad! I have to write an essay but I have only done have of the reading, so that can be done when we come back. It is ok to take breaks.

*hugs*

I hope the exam goes well

1 reply
Avaray August 7th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Wow Ames

that was really beautiful thank you...❤

Only a few days left... And they say (as we try to always say and convince ourselves) crying is good, so crying when you see them is just showing how much they mean to you 💕

I hope you come right with that essay, you are good with words so I'll think you will do just fine.

I got a devotional bible the other day, filled with devotions and encouraging things, this has been helping me touch some of the sad and lifting me up out of the dark some.

Thanks for rhe exam wishes xx

You are a wonderful caring young lady, and no fighting me on that cause I won't listen to anything other then that cause it's the truth...

Hugs Aimes 💕🍫

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP August 14th, 2019

@Avaray You had your exam yesterday if my fingers are to be believed, so I hope that went well and I am sure you did well. Now you have a break so you can give your poor brain a little rest and also your hand! We go on holiday on Saturday even though mommy and me are on holiday now but Saturday we get all the people from airports and go on holiday. It is nice have Granny and Granddad around Grinning but then I have two more weeks of them plus lots of other people as well. For once I can say it was warmer in Canada! *hugs* be good!

1 reply
Avaray August 15th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hi Ames xx

Only a few days left xx

My exam wasn't nice at all, i didn't know some things and left out some things... But I'm hoping i passed.

Ivehad a bad dose of flu started Sunday, so hasn't been pleasant. Been off work sick 2 days now.

Yeah I'm waighing up the brain thing.... Will give myself untill the weekend to decide if I'm going to write again this year or not. Will see when my brain clears from this flu.

You must have a lovely holiday Ames, you deserve a break and been surround by people who love you xx

Hugs my friend 💕🍫

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP August 16th, 2019

@Avaray *radio makes shhhshsssssss noises* It is one illness for the Avaray, it is one simple way to stop all of humankind from catching it *shhshahhhhhh* You know the procedure go put on the spacesuit until further notice! I hope you are better now but you still have to wear the spacesuit. It is bad that your exam was not nice but maybe everyone else found it difficult so it will be all even, you could write and say you had to wear a spacesuit during it, that might help a little. We are going to pick everyone up tonight or tomorrow morning, I will be asleep to be honest which is why I am not driving. Plus, I do not know how to drive. So excited about that tomorrow everyone will be here and then we go exploring and seeing animals, all that stuff. Any who, *hugs* be good.

1 reply
Avaray September 4th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hi xx

You make me smile kiddo xx

I hope your holiday was a good one (i think you are back now😯)

Tell me what you got up to and if you had a freat time.

Dr has increased my "A.D's" abbreviated cause of this site, so hopefully the depression will ease up, that will be helpful.

It's my 20 year wedding anniversary today so we had a braai, my daughter and son decorated the lounge, so although it started rough, it ended well.

They have been having "truck braais" again by us, so that gets quite hetic, drove past 2 one was still smoldering and you could see where they had thrown rocks on the road and broken glass on the roads. Those trucks generate such intense heat that it leaves the tar rough in places. I feel very sorry for the drivers, and friends of ours had a car accident but were hoping he will come out of hospital today, depending on pain levels.

Any how my dear Aimes, this lady is going to catch some zzzzz's.

Hugs Awesome Aimes 💜

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP September 6th, 2019

@Avaray Hello


Congratulations on your wedding anniversary although I had to look up what a Braai was, kind of like a barbecue or completely like a barbecue since I not sure how it is different. Maybe you cook the husband if he has been naughty. It is good that your daughter and son decorated as well, I happy it ended well. My brain is asking, did you cook your husband but I know my brain sometimes is kind of silly. Is a truck braai where they cook trucks? Even google did not know. So, I am not sure why they would throw rocks at the road and broken glass. Send them to me so I can kick them. I hope your friend is out of hospital and getting better.


I am a bit grumpy and a bit sad at the moment, which mommy says is the after-holiday blues (translated). I wonder why saying antidepressants is not allowed but I hope that they are working. Sometimes sadly you have to be sad such is the case with after-holiday blues. I know that is not the same as feeling depressive but some of the same emotions are there perhaps. Any who, before I grumpy you out. My brain is not working so

*hugs*

AmalieAnne OP September 6th, 2019

@Avaray Plus I really hate hospitals

1 reply
Avaray September 15th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey there miss grumpy 😝 yip i think after holiday blues is a diagnosis. I think the cure is to work really hard so you don't notice how quickly the time has flown and then "hello" it's holiday time again... Hugs kiddo..xx

No i don't think we braai husbands.. Well i personally haven't..😂 but i think a south african braai is better then a barbeque

The main difference between a braai and a BBQ has to be the fire. A braai just isnt considered a braai if cooked on a gas grill. The fire also remains lit for the duration of the braai, even after the foods been cooked. Guests will gather around the fire after eating and spend the rest of the day or evening there.

Most South Africans braai at least once a week and dont need a reason to light up the fire. They braai on Sundays because its relaxing, and some braai on Christmas because the weather allows it. The opportunities for a braai are endless.

The food at a braai is delicious, but the whole experience is also very social. Waiting for the fire to produce the right amount of heat takes time, then theres eating. This is the whole point of a braai: a long social gathering that can last for hours on end.

Braaing is one of the few things in South Africa that cuts through cultural and racial lines. Regardless of language, race, or culture, the love of meat cooked over a wood fire is something that all South Africans share. It really is a South-African tradition

Whether its breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midnight, theres a braai taking place somewhere. Whereas a BBQ typically takes place during the daytime, a South African braai has no time constraints. South Africans make their coffee and breakfast on a braai when in the bush, they braai on weekends as well as for weeknight dinners, and they sometimes even braai after an evening out.

A braai is all about having a good time and catching up with friends, a combination of everything South Africans love—family, friends, good food, A braai also often revolves around another event, like a rugby match

Found that for you to read xx

And yes.. Unfortunately braaing trucks is the sarcastic disgusting version of evil people burning people's trucks etc.

Yes my friend is out of hospital, quite a few broken ribs...big-time ouch!! But they will eventually be fine.

I've started studing for my next exam , still waiting for my other results...eish!

I hope you can start to feel happier again... Hugs dear Aimes 💜

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP September 20th, 2019

@Avaray Hello, I just wanted to say I read what you wrote. Something has happened and I am not sure how to deal with that at the moment. So maybe... something later. *hugs*

1 reply
Avaray September 22nd, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hugs Aimes xx

Hope you're ok 💜

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP October 1st, 2019

@Avaray *hugs* I thought that you were going to take a break from studying for a little while? You did give me a good idea though Gustave Le Bon, which is going to help me with my essay. When people burn trucks there has to be a reason behind it. Other than that, this is something happening but I am not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe soon. Any who, take care Avaray.

1 reply
Avaray October 5th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo xx

I hope things get sorted out soon and you are ok 💜

Thinking of u..

Hugs

(We got another puppy)

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP October 6th, 2019

@Avaray Wow she is so cute, does she have a name yet? I got sick so no swimming or at my bestest friend this weekend. Are you sure you wore the spacesuit at all times? Kind of feeling better though. Now I will put on the spacesuit *hugs* it is one small step for an Amalie, on way of not making other people sick.

1 reply
Avaray October 17th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo

I sorry about the spacesuit... I think i tore a hole in it..eish

Ps i am fighting flu again... Big sigh😳

I hope you feel better soon ... Safe patched up spacesuit hug.

It's a boy pup called Benji

But i think he might be crossed with a piranha for real!

Those little teeth just want to chew on fingers arms feet hair... Sort of anything he can get hold of.

But he's a sweety pie

Busy studying for my next exam, will write in November.

Hope you're ok Ames..

.hugs💜

2 replies
AmalieAnne OP October 23rd, 2019

@Avaray

Hello,


You should be more careful with the spacesuit plus get the flu jab, it does not hurt that much and if you take a deep breath in while the stab you, it kind of does not hurt at all. It can sometimes hurt later but this year it did not. Until then get back into this new spacesuit lady! I was thinking that if you did not name your puppy then maybe consider marshmallow but Benji is also a good name. I spoke to Mollys mommy and when she was a puppy (molly) she had a rope thing from the shop so it was safe. Then she used to bite and chew that, maybe you could see if they have something in the shop like that. It would save your fingers… wait did Benji try to eat your spacesuit? It all make sense now… I am still not ready to talk about a certain thing yet but I hope that your exam goes well. I got the result of my exam and I did well even though it was biology higher now doing chemistry higher now that is boring and frustration! Any who,


*spacesuit hugs*

2 replies
Avaray October 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames xx

It's ok ... There's stuff that's happening by me too and well... At the moment I'm in my disconnect numb zone and

Sometimes things just need to be in that protect space so that somehow one can try prevent the pain somehow from being worse than

It already is... And sometimes, it feels too much anyway, and sometimes it doesn't seem real and sometimes one just is too tired to use words and sometimes the words can't even find the way to your mouth (hard to explain that one)

and sometimes one needs to do what one needs to to feel they can get through the stuff as "whole" as possible...

I don't need you to tell me kiddo... Only if you want to of course, because then I do want to hear when/if you want to... Just know either way I'm

Thinking of you and really want you to find that wholeness somehow in your life that you deserve xx

Well done on the exam!! Proud of you x

Ummm... The rope thing... He has 2 already a stuffed toy thing, socks... And anything else piranha can get hold of... Big sigh..

He even grabs my hand bag or anything that those little chompers can get hold of and especially if he knows he's been naughty and has something you want

He holds on with those little pearly White's and clamps his mouth shut, then i have to try open those chompers to rescue the item he has, he's just a ball of mischief! And yes we love the little guy anyway😄😂

He could be the spacesuit problem... Hmmm...

Still battling with chest/temp, but a lot better then the weekend and I can breathe a lot better and the meds dr gave me are starting to work again. I'm a tough Ava... I'll get there

Anyhow Amazing Ames .... Keep well my little friend... Hugs 💜

2 replies
AmalieAnne OP November 1st, 2019

@Avaray

Hello,

I of course have found a solution to three of your problems because I like odd weird things, so of course when I come across them, I write them down. In 1925 Hugo Gernsback invented ‘The Isolator, which was designed to help someone study, it consists metal helmet which I believe can be extended into a suit of sorts. According to Monsieur Gernsback it stopped all noise and limited your visual field in order for you to be able to study without distraction, I mean other than the massive helmet you have to wear of course. Now if this made into a suit it will help you study, stop naughty puppy teeth from getting you and also keep the germs in or out. I will put the link below but I am at least 90% sure that the problem of this invention, supplying oxygen is just a minor thing that can be sorted out.

https://www.thevintagenews.com/2015/12/22/the-isolator-an-invention-from-1925-designed-to-improve-work-productivity/

I am not sure you get the same numb feelings that I do but with help I start at my toes and kind of see how they are doing and wiggle them around. Then move to rest of my foot and keep going, it kind of helps. In grown up language I guess that would be connecting your body or grounding, I guess. Also, I hope that you are feeling better but you still have to stay in the isolator until further notice unless the oxygen problem needs a fixing. The thing that I am not sharing is a bit better for now, so at least for now I feel better by it. Sometimes I just need to watch Blue Planet one and two, then tell the killer whales off for being mean. Other than that I keep falling asleep but I am hoping that is growing tall sleep. Any who *hugs*, Be good and if your exam is soon then I hope it goes well.

Ame

1 reply
Avaray November 3rd, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hi kiddo

I was liking the 3 in one purpose suit thing... Untill i saw it.... Did i mention I'm a tad claustrophobic 😳☺

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better for now... Xx

I postponed my exam until next year, thought it was a self care action and not a failure action, because my stress levels ftom certain things are "through the roof" so i postponed... That helped take some of the pressure of things off a bit.

I don't know how to explain the numb feeling, psychologist says it's a type of de-realisation thing, it's like you almost take a sidestep away from the reality of life to cope with the extreme things that go on.

He gave me a recording of taking deep breaths to help calm the anxiety when it peaks.

The brain is a complicated but interesting thing, how it throws in things to help you try and cope, unfortunately what is meant to be a help for a short time to help one through a time period, can sometimes be a bad thing when it becomes a coping mechanism and used on a more permanent basis.

Anyhow... Some amazing person with a name beginning with A.. Is turning a year older soon...

Are you doing something special for your birthday?

Hugs Ames... 💜

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Avaray October 17th, 2019
1 reply
AmalieAnne OP October 23rd, 2019

@Avaray Hashtag adorable (I forgot what the hashtag thing is)

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP November 12th, 2019

@Avaray

Hello,

Now the Isolator might be a little bit of a tight fit but since you live in the upside-down part of the world and you are approaching summer. What if I added air conditioning? That would be better. Even so, I hope that Benji has allowed you to keep some of your fingers and toes. I get the pressure bit from the exams but really you do not have to call it a ‘failure action. Self-care is important and sometimes you have to say ***scream*** not today, go away! Plus walking upside-down must hurt your head a bit, I know handstands can sometimes give me a headache.

As for the anxiety tape, is it mean of me that I would want to shout BOO at certain point? I guess it would be less funny in real life than in my head. Derealisation, I kind of get it, perhaps. Like day dreaming but more than that. Perhaps you just need to keep trying to tell your brain that it does not have to do it anymore. Brains can be troublesome even at the best of times. Any who, I went to school and that made me tired. As for my birthday, it is kind of scary I am going to be really old, even though to be honest I do not feel really old. I am not sure what will happen for my birthday but I trust no-one!

I kind of know what I was getting but not sure if that has changed. So, I have right now a couple of things to do while or whilst I am still 15 and young enough to do them. Soon I will be an oldie and that will not improve my grumpiness, that I have no doubt. Byes for now experiment 5411754.. err I mean Avaray,

Ame

1 reply
Avaray November 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Happy birthday Ames

Hope you have an amazing day and a wonderful year ahead

Sending love and hugs xx

Avaray November 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Avaray November 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Avaray November 25th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP November 27th, 2019

@Avaray Thank you, it is my birthday on Friday so I will not look until then Beaming with smiling eyes

AmalieAnne OP November 29th, 2019

@Avaray YAY I am minutes away from being 16!!! Then me be an oldie (kind of)

1 reply
Avaray November 30th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey oldie 😃

Ummmm ... I sorry I had the date wrong, I had it on my calendar but have changed it to the 29th (Is that the correct date?😳😁

Did you have a lovely birthday? What did you do and did you guess your present right?

Hugs Ames

Ps I'll probably still call you kiddo cause I'm always older than you 😄💕

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP December 4th, 2019

@Avaray I do not quite feel like an oldie yet, maybe a junior oldie? You did get the date wrong last year, you silly. It is 29th November and mommy says around 13:34 give or take, Spanish time which made it 6:34am here. I jumped on the mommybeast after I tripped over the computer cable but I got my birthday hug and kiss without being eaten. I did have a very nice birthday and on Saturday we went indoor skydiving, I screamed a lot and it was scary but it was kind of fun. You can still call me kiddo senior oldie Tongue

1 reply
Avaray December 7th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

He kiddo

That sounds amazing, and scary at the same time, i kind of got that image from the currebt charley and the chocolate factory if when they drabk the soda and the gas inside it made them float up in this tube type thing. Feeling weightless must be amazing. I almost went parachuting once, when i was still young but they sold the business or something like that so didn't end up going, when thinking back i could never do that now....eish what was i thinking I'm afraid of hights 😳😂

I'm glad you didn't get eaten, especially on your birthday!!!

Are you on holiday break? My winkles are now so they come to work with me as i don't have babysitters.

Starting my studying again this weekend, and woke up to no electricity as someone stole the wiring in the one substation at just after 3 this morning, so the electricians will start working on it after 7 this morning and they don't know how long it will take.

So might need to move our food out our freezer to somewhere where the electricity is still on so it doesn't go off, the joys

Anyhow kiddo, ive been awake since about 5 this morning and now much eyes are getting heavy so I'm going to try catch a few more zzzzz,s 😴

Hugs amazing Ames 💜🌹🌹🌹🌹

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP December 10th, 2019

@Avaray Hello oldie Avaray,

I hope they got the electricity sorted out quickly and did not have to put any food in the bin. Of course in that situation I would help by eating any ice cream since it is.. the most going off food! I saw something about where you live online but it got blocked before I could read it, which is kind of a good thing but I hope you are not affected by it. Not really sure what it is though! It is really cold here so you could just put the food outside but if you posted me your ice cream, I fear it would be melted long before it got here.

I went to school today, then I had a sleep on the way home. Maybe you could try that, have a little extra sleep. It helps with learning new things. My last school day is on the 16th December so not long to go, not that I mind going to school really. Quite often I go to mommy school (her work) which I kind of like if I am honest. I just have to stay away from the new people who can be scary. They most likely are not scary just not very good with new people, well oldies who are new. Why do you call them winkles? Also, is Benji ok?

I will have to read Charlie and the chocolate factory again, I think you are talking about the end bit where he goes up with his granddad but I lost the context. Any who, the lady send it helped to scream which I did and she was right ** I have to try to stay awake until bedtime and I am slowly falling asleep so I better go annoy someone *hugs* be good,

Ame

1 reply
Avaray December 16th, 2019

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo

Last day of school for you today!!!!

Hope you enjoy yor holidays. Have you put up your Christmas tree yet?

My winkles have, and hand made a lot of colorful decorations to hang on the walls.

I call them winkles short for kiddy winkles

Benji is doing fine still a bundle of energy and loves to get wet, he will even come in the bathroom and put his feet over the edge of the bath so that the spray from the shower wets him.

The people that sold him to us sent us a video clip of one of the other pups that they kept and it was barking at itself in the mirror, we played it to Benji and he wanted to bark at it also and couldn't quite work out why this dog was barking from my phone, I wonder what it was saying in it's bark.

Hmmm going to your mom's work sounds interesting, maybe you could book me in there so i can escape from everything for a bit.

Do you think they would let a South African in there... I would be very quite and behave, well most of the time.... Sigh

When I first went to therapy sessions and Psych to get meds I was so worried they were going to "admit" me, but they didn't, now i feel so safe seeing my psychologist, i wanted to take the nice comfortable couch with the cushions on home because that's my safe place, however although he said he didn't need it during he holidays he also didn't offer to help me load it onto my car!! but it's just abit of a joke between us, me saying, without actually saying, that I feel safe there and i will miss going to speak about things with him even though it's hard to do so.

And the psychiatrist.... Well he's a real sweety pie and well quite a lot older then even this oldie...so I reckonned I could outrun him if he even thought of "locking" me away.

But I'm not overly worried about that now... Somedays i think... Yes please admit me so i can escape from everything..... Eish!! maybe i need to really plan to try get away on a bit of a holiday.... What do you think?

Yes sleep is so important for physical and mental things, my brain doesn't always switch off if I'm worried or stressed so i stay up passed midnight at those times and then have to be up early, not a good combo.

Ok summary..

Avaray needs a vacation and to get more sleep

😘

You doing better now Ames..?

Some updates on Benji

Do not let those innocent pooch eyes fool you ... It's mischief covered in fur! And he sleeps in the most weirdest positions.

Hugs Ames xx

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP December 23rd, 2019

@Avaray

Wow Benji got really big really fast, he is so cute with lovely ears. He is now a teen doggy with kind eyes, even though perhaps a little bit naughty which I like. Rather than going walkies with Molly, I have been had some walkies with Papa (mommy

Avaray December 24th, 2019

@Avaray

Hey there x

I'm glad you're with your grandparents for Christmas, i know how much you love them xx

The heat not nice i much prefer the cold we are up to 35 and higher some days you almost Don't know what to do with yourself.

You must have a lovely holiday kiddo, day by day is sometimes the only way to do things otherwise it can all feel too much. So that's ok ... Hugs.

Have a wonderful Christmas Ames

And again remember you're amazing Ames... And not taking any protests on that... Cause you are an amazing caring beautiful person kiddo.

Hugs and have a wonderful time away

Hugs Ames 💜💜🌹🌹🌹🌹

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP January 5th, 2020

@Avaray

I do love them a lot, I am still in Spain with them, for the moment I have a bottle but no message as yet. That most likely does not make any sense. I hope that it has cooled down a bit for you but last year you had a pool, so maybe you and Benji can share it to cool off. You might not want him in there with you but well.. he is now family so you kind of have no choice Grinning I had a nice Christmas, I like giving people gifts rather than getting them. I hope you had a nice Christmas? Since my The UK seems to be very very stupid and run by a bunch of fools idiots charlatans who lack compassion and the essence of what it is to be human. Granny and Granddad made a donation in my name so that people can have food to eat. Sorry.. I get angry about that! But that gift made me happy and hopefully helped people. The the hell is wrong with people!!! Any who, I kind of having mixed up emotion, as you might be able to tell. So.. *hugs* I have been sleeping really weird, it is just past 22:00 hours (10pm) I am slowly falling asleep.

1 reply
Avaray January 25th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey Aimes x

You have a very caring heart, that's why you get mad when you see bad things, unjust things xx

I'm glad you're still with your Grandparents. You would have to explain to dear old Avaray about the message in the bottle... Did you send one out to sea, or is that a reference to tje movie?

Been so busy at work, I have to work longer hours at work now so it's very tiring, and then write exam in 17 days, so I'm trying to balance that all out between being a mom and wife etc.

Pooch is getting so adorable, he is not as "chewy" as he used to be and enjoys running around the garden playing with our ridgeback. Our fox terrior has a girlfriend now so he goes and stands with his head almost against the wall which separates our neighbors yard and ours and just stares at the small hole. He is so funny, almost like a statue staring (with his one eye...he only has one left...)

We have been getting nice rain here, an answer to prayer, and the dams are filling up.

But we had a storm with hail quite a while back and it made holes in the blow up rim part that holds it up.... Now we don't have one anymore...big sigh.

But Avaray has not melted in the heat, one extra advantage about work is that my office has aircon, and when i travel my car has an aircon.

But up to a few days ago it has been 35 and some days higher.

But I'm thinking we will get an earlier colder winter. I prefer the cold.

Anyhow dear Aimes, i should be sleeping it's just gone 3 in the morning, woke up about an hour and a half ago and couldn't go back to sleep.. Big sigh...

So hopefully I'll get some zzzzz's soon.

Goodnight kiddo 💕

Avaray January 25th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Avaray January 25th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hmmmmm.... Always getting into things and getting muddy or greasy... Don't let that innocent look fool you... It's mischief.... My adorable.

I don't know if you watched the movie, i think it's called airbud? But the one labby pup is always getting dirty... Well B is the same 😄

But he is a sweety pie.

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP January 31st, 2020

@Avaray

Hello,

Well the truth is that Benji is very cute & adorable so he can kind of get away with a lot plus doggies tend to be a little bit naughty some of the time. Even the best-behaved doggy will at times be very naughty. It is nice that your other doggy kind of has a friend like that. Why do you have to work longer hours? Do not forget you also have to be an Avaray as well, so you kind of have to make time for that. Kind of one of the benefits of me being the youngest (although I am almost 17) is that I get more attention, even though mommy kind of misses my brother and sister. They are doing their own things; she still will tell them off and worry about them. I hope that your exam goes well and your poll is broken or the dam? I hope that you did your rain dance correctly so you get just the right amount of rain. Certainly, hope you do not melt, that would be messy and difficult to clean up. I think you are in the middle of summer now, so with a little hope it will not be that hot for much longer or come to Canada because it is really cold. Particularly, if you have spent a few weeks in Spain, it feels really cold. Perhaps until the summer is over you can sleep in the car? I am still adjusting to being back here, both the weather but the people and the time travel. It is kind of getting back to some sort of normal slowly. The message in a bottle is from books, if you get stranded on an island you can put a message in a bottle and throw it into the sea. Even if it does not get you rescued, you can write a message. So, I have the bottle but perhaps I won

1 reply
Avaray February 6th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey Aimes x

Avarays brain feels fried😳😂😬😆😪

Exam next week and sooooo much still to study.

Huge sigh.

I'm also the youngest and my brother stays about a 4 to 5 hour drive away he's only about 2 years older then me. But we only see each other maybe twice a year.

Sorry not too talkative, took sleeping m e d s and been studying ...eish... Double eish.

Keep well and hope u are doing ok amazing Aimes.

Will let you know how it goes.

💕

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP February 7th, 2020

@Avaray

Hello,

Goodluck with your exam, hopefully your brain will behave and you will be fine. I guess we are both the little sister eish! I do not mind my brother so much because he is not so bosy but my sister is very bosy (even though I love her). I am not sure how you could not see your brother for so long, I write letters to most people and when brave enough use the phone. Still, they write back and at least sisters handwriting is better than my brothers. Any who, the exam will go well and then maybe have a fun day of doing things that you like. Then sadly I think you will be studying again. *hugs*

Ame

1 reply
Avaray February 29th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hugs x

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AmalieAnne OP February 18th, 2020

@Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray

I think I have got my dates correct, so...

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP February 18th, 2020

@Avaray @Avaray @Avaray @Avaray

1 reply
Avaray February 29th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames thanks soooo much for my birthday picture, it's special and I love it 💜💜💜

My exam.... Well I tend to be a bit slow so I needed to finish 4 sections in 3 and a half hours 2 questions took me 3 hours and only had half an hour to finish, I then got brain freeze and almost gave up because my time had almost run out but pushed through that place and managed to scrawl down a few things before I had to stop, so I didn't finish, I think I may have passed but not with good marks this time.

The night before I was trying to study and finish assignments and the electricity went out so I had to study by candle light and cell phone torch. Aaaaaaahhh!!

The electricity was out from the Monday untill Thursday, I learnt how to steam iron my daughters school clothes over a pot of boiling water that was on our little gas stove we have, I thought I was kind of clever for working that out.

It was a cable fault they were battling to fix, not stolen cables this time, cause that also happens at times.

How you doing that side of the world 🌎?

How come doctors (well the ones here ) have such bad hand writing I don't know how the Pharmacists can read what they are meant to give you. But they seem to get it right😅

Any how kiddo

Thank you again for my lovely picture, it was a nice surprise... 💜

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP March 3rd, 2020

@Avaray

You are welcome and happy birthday; I hope you had a nice birthday. With exams you normally get some marks if you write just a few things for each question even if you do not then write more. There is a saying which I cannot remember but it means write something for each answer because it is easy to get a few marks but more difficult to get a lot of marks. So at least you wrote something down but do not worry too much. I know from mommy a lot of people do not kind of know that if you have 30 minutes a question you do not have to write down that much. Half an hour reading the questions and checking spelling, then 30 minutes for each question. If you have any time left then you can always go back. Wow... see I do listen to things without me knowing I am listening. Not sure why that went into my brain!

How is your arm now? I know that my hand really hurts after writing for a while, not sure if that is affecting when you do your exam. Stealing electricity cable is kind of a dangerous thing to do, you either have to be brave or a little bit stupid. Electricity is kind of witchcraft if you think about it but I hope now they fixed it; it will stay on. I prefer old fashioned way of ironing clothes, I put the iron which is made out of cast iron over the fire and when it gets hold enough use it. Honestly, I am not allowed to use the iron but you were being creative Grinning.

This side of the world is cold but the wolves have not eaten me yet. I am going away tonight/tomorrow and I will let you know how that goes. There is that virus thing going around but there normally is something but I hope things will go as planned. My brother is a medical doctor and he has quite bad handwriting, I think that is why my sister taught me to write. The medicine I get though goes through the internet so I think they just write it on the computer. I was reading this article about how almost all of the internet goes through cables under the sea and every three days a cable is broken. Kind of weird there are all these cables all other the place. Any who, I am going on now because I am kind of nervous. *hugs* Be good oldie Winking with tongue

1 reply
Avaray March 15th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo x

You back yet?

I'm glad the wolves didn't eat you..eish! 💜

You doing ok?

Hugs 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌹🌹🌹🌹🌸🌸🌸🌸🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺💐💐💐💐💐💐🌻🌻🌻

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP March 16th, 2020

@Avaray Hello,

I got back last week and now I am not allowed to go to school, so under house arrest of sorts. Being a dirty European and all. Which is kind of making me grumpy a little. I hope that you are ok? When do you get your exam results? This virus is making people scared I guess, so make sure you are ok and if you know any old oldies look after them. We had the lady next door (Molly

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP March 16th, 2020

Plus Molly and Benji can be put to work delivery things Savoring food

1 reply
Avaray March 23rd, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames xx

I wrote further down (I just saw you post about your Grandfather xxxx, I'm sorry I know how much you love him)

Yes this virus is making people get fearful, and go a bit crazy storing stuff which is understandable but also sad because it makes it vwry hard for people who cannot afford to harder to get things as well.

I see our president has said certain items the essential things the shops are not allowed to increase the prices (only if it actually does increase from manufacturing etc) so that it remains affordable and they can be finded a large amount of miney if they are found doing so.

Thinking of you amazing Ames

Hugs my awesome friend.

Xxx

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP March 24th, 2020

@Avaray

Hello Lady of the Avaray,

The virus is kind of bad, I am under house arrest and now no more school until October. Granddad is running low on bear so he is being rationed by granny. I hope people stop being silly and just buy the things they need, no of this silly nonsense. It is good that your president that things are not allowed to increase in price. Did you have family day yesterday (Monday)? I hope you got that day off or send me the president so I can kick him. Mommy and me were making bread for the people on our street if they needed some. It was a lot of hard work and I got a lot of flour in my hair somehow. I hope that this people are good and this virus thing will be over soon. I kind of miss school and annoying my bestest friend. I do not want her to get used to it plus my teacher is having a baby, so I miss her as well because official God Sister and she is the bestest teacher. Any who, *spacesuit hugs*

Ame

1 reply
Avaray March 29th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hi Ames x

We are under lockdown for 21 days not allowed out our homes/yards unless for food or medical or unless your work is involved in making/selling food or essential services.

It feels like living in a dream and you're not waking up from it, but actually is real. I don't do the feeling of "being locked up" very well, i need to know that i need to have the "control of " getting out, so even though i can walk outside in my yard, oddly enough i have been having that same feeling of "been locked up" and not been in control of getting out. Sounds dumb but it messes with my head a bit.

I am so grateful for the medical people and law enforcement people etc for putting themselves in harms way to save people, but my heart also goes out to them because they must get scared at the same time because of this thing.

My parents manage a child care centre so they are all in lockdown with approximately 100 children and house mothers to look after the children. Not an easy thing.

Hope you are keeping well that side of the world xx and i think what you do helping others is a beautiful thing x

Look after yourself dear Ames... Always remember you are strong even though at times you might not feel like you are, you have a good caring heart and are a very talented artist xx. You are beautiful and amazing Ames. Not excepting any negative comeback on that... Cause that's the way I see you.

And of course you make Ava smile xx

Hugs Ames

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP April 1st, 2020

@Avaray

Hello,

I have been under house arrest since I came back from Spain and most likely will be until... well hopefully soon we can be released back into the wild. It is scary that this virus is going to do very bad things but hopefully people who help others will do a better job than the idiots that run countries. My brother works in Rome, as a medical doctor, he said that more people are recovering that are getting sick. So, I am hoping that will be the same everywhere soon, so being under house arrest might not be bad. I have a checklist to so I try to be brave and use the phone, sometimes well.. a lot of the time I ask mommy. So, I know people are safe, some people are on two days because of sometimes me being grumpy or tired (or fear of being too annoying)! At least we and a lot of others are under house arrest.

I think people are going be bit crazy, I have not annoyed my bestest friends for so long now, she will be getting used to being unannoyed. Then it will be difficult to get away with being annoying!! I found a website of projects to do but it was for ‘Boys, but I think girls can do them better (apart from the outside stuff because I am an inside person). I have school work and two gardens/yards to play with Molly. Maybe because you have been busy you can see this as a holiday rather that being under house arrest. Plus, the risk of a monkey biting you is reduced significantly. To be honest the risk of me licking your ear or raspberrying your tummy is also reduced. So, you are a little bit safer from many things. To be honest I am going a bit blaah, even though I have school work and things.

I did not know that your mommy and daddy did that, which if you think about is amazing. With the 21 days hopefully, it will be ok for them to do something else. Mommy has said that she will pay for my brother and his girlfriend to go on holiday somewhere when it is safe. My brothers face needs to get better because of the protective things he has to wear and has been wearing for weeks now. Lots of good people are helping, not just doctors and nurses but lots of others. Also Thursday is mommys birthday so I have some things planned, with the help of Mollys mommy and my sister. So, on Thursday I will give mommy extra time in bed before me jumping on her. Maybe 8am? Or 8:30. Not decided yet.

*spacesuits hugs* Be good Lady Avavary

AmalieAnne OP April 1st, 2020

@Avaray Also you have a guitar so maybe get that out

1 reply
Avaray April 18th, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo xx

How you holding up that side of the world? Lockdown has been extended to the end of April. Ive managed to do some work from home via the internet so that helps.

It feels like such a strange world, almost unreal. I tend to live just almost in that unreal feel most times, that's how my mind has been able to deal with trauma and anxiety, and not really been able to connect properly with people, but this is similar but different also, if that makes any sense to you at all?

Are you and your family ok?

Oh yes, i can't remember if i told you but I passed my exam! Glad that one is over. Next one to come.

Spacesuit hugs and WiFi high fives my friend.

Love Avaray xx

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP April 23rd, 2020

@Avaray

Hello banana

We on this part of the world are a little grumping with the having to stay at home but I guess Christmas will be here soon, so.. does it make it better.. maybe! I have no school until the autumn, plus no swimming or yelling at the geese at the park. Hopefully, we will both be let out soon. Mommy is working from home as well, on the Skype thing which means I have to be careful not to be seen. I normally crawl in if I need something. My family is ok, I keep checking and they seem to be somewhat bored/grumpy but at least not in hospital or anything. Does this make sense to you? It is from a book

Body: I feel like Im not here, Im floating around. A separate part of me is aware of all my movements; its like Ive left my body. Even when Im talking, I dont feel like it is my words.
Mind: My mind and body are somehow not connected, its like my body is doing one thing and my mind is saying another. Like my mind is somewhere off to the back, not inside my body.
Vision Its like glass over my eyes, a visual fog totally flat and two-dimensional.
Agency (feeling in control of ones actions): I feel Im not really here, Im distant. Im going through the motions like a robot

  • Feeling unreal by Jeffrey Abugel

I was hoping to understand what you are going through, so does that kind of match? It had a feeling part but it did not make sense. It kind of would not helped me understand if it did not make sense. Well done on passing your most recent exam, that is the one that you did not finish all the questions I think. So, it is good you passed. I hope that Benji is being a good doggy now or getting in less trouble at least. Any who, be good Avaray.

*spacesuit hugs*

1 reply
Avaray May 2nd, 2020

@AmalieAnne

Banana that's a new one cheeky chop 😜

Yes one can get a bit of "cabin fever" i wonder if the geese have missed you too 😃

I'm glad you're all ok though xx

My psychologist is also doing the over the net sessions which is quite strange to get used to although now if i don't want him to see me i can just cover the camera 😂 but that would be defeating the whole object i suppose.

Yes the unreal thing is hard to explain I've been trying to find words to be able to discribe it so I can explain the physicalness (I think I may have just made that word up, not sure if there is that word, anyway got sidetract) The floating thing is not really the feeling although I know some people do describe it like that but it's like your body is yours I know I'm in my body but like my body is just ? But then since therapy parts of me feel/look more real, like everything "lines up" to be and feel "real" your vision your physical and your emotions. Maybe to discribe it as disconnected from the feeling of the realness of it etc.

I sound like a fruitloop 😂

Maybe it's the spacesuit I've been wearing.... Hmmm Houston maybe that's the problem... It's the space suit and when I take it off then i feel the real. I don't know.

Pooch is a sweety he shows his excitement in his whole body if he's happy to see you he'll run and almost colide with you and then he'll almost jump like a little buck in the same spot just expressing his excitement.

Any how kiddo.

Keep safe.

Spacesuit hugs back xx

1 reply
AmalieAnne OP May 13th, 2020

@Avaray

Hello again Banana,

If you can call me cheeky chops, I can call you something but not really decided on your pet name yet. I also have cabin fever but hopefully things here will be getting back to normal soon, really want to go swimming with mommy. Plus, lots of other places but kind of miss swimming including the park but not any geese. Was just think about swimming last night. We have been doing some counselling things over the computer but I kind of want to hide as well. Hoping yours is going well, I am not sure how to do anything therapy when I cannot eat my therapist

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AmalieAnne OP June 19th, 2019

So I conducted a few interviews for this and I kind of wrote it weird narrative which I am hoping works. It is designed change quickly. Other than that, here we go...

Collapsing Reality in Confusion

As he lifted his head, a sort of smile came to his face, although not for long, as tears replaced the comfort that he wished. He looked up at the direction of the light that was blowing his clothing, making them seamlessly lift away from his body. A sharp impending thought entered my mind, something that for a long time, ever since I'd grown from baby to person, has always been there. This was my chance; maybe the only one I would ever have to make sure that he got what he really wanted. I took his chin into my hand, the light reflecting against his face, although not painfully or even directly so. That was just one of the things that happened, no one had ever told me or at least I'd never figured out why, when I was about to grant something, the light entered. It's only ever been something that has happened whilst I've known it has been my purpose in life to grant. A hand full of experiences is not much to discover who or what this was all truly about. However, its' always been known to me that the people I have chosen to grant, are in pain. Feeling that pain inside my heart, knowing that it's something that I could not stand to let happen, and knowing that I could always fix it. As I turned to stand directly in front of him, lowering my head in the process I spoke the words to him and hoped he would already know what was going to be whispered.

"It is time, the time to end this all. You're going to be changed." I tried to smile; however, the fear of what was about to happen hit me faster than I thought. I could feel his warm tears as they rolled down his face, coming into contact with my hand still touching and holding his chin.

"I am scared… what's happening...." He said as both his hands went to grip his stomach, as if he was in pain.

"Don't worry, it will be done soon." My voice started to break up as I ended the sentence. The pain was screaming throughout my body, lifting away from my heart to start with, and then entering the rest of me. It was almost like someone pouring melted wax onto your skin. At first the burning, along with the pain is the only feeling, but after that pain ceases, it leaves only the constricted, tightened essence. My hand on his chin became the lock for the transfer; I could feel my warm blood leaking from my arm and entering into his face. Although at this time I closed my eyes, as each passing moment transpired, it became more about being aware of feeling the room we were both in, rather than working from the data that my limited senses allowed me to feel. The transfer became more powerful and painful until the light became stronger to the extent it blocked everything out, including what I felt. The pain reached its completion and everything stopped, all that happened died down into a void.

****

I woke up shaking on the floor, most likely from the cold produced from the sweat-wet clothes that I had been wearing what looks like to be all night. My head was aching, although this was one of the features mornings often had to offer me. As I lifted my head from the resting place on the floor, I saw that my body had been curled up with unusual ability, almost in a childlike way. Abruptly the feeling from the rest of my body hit me, forcing my head back down to the former resting place on the blue carpet. Taken back from this, all I could really do was just stay there until either the energy or increasing need to move, made something happen. As I twisted my body around, so that I ended up lying on my back I remembered something. Being very unsure about whether it was just a dream or a fragment of some other memory that had somehow found its own way into my mind. Rather than being a sentence or something remotely touchable, it was just the warm feeling of something similar I had when I was younger. It was the feeling of the sun hitting my face, whilst I was in one of the many holiday villas I had spent time in as a child. Although somehow, with a great degree of difference, something irritated me about this single recollection. Something about it, did scare me, it was like a reflection of something familiar.

It was not until I touched my face, I realized the amount of blood that had come from somewhere. The need to move arose as I jumped up, and ran across to the mirror. I'd always been scared of my blood, especially losing blood and although it might sound really ludicrous, I never wanted anyone else to come into contact with it. I'd for the better part of my life been able to avoid blood tests, and had been careful to make sure that I would not cut myself in the process of doing anything. Always taking more time, and moving my body with precision. As I checked my face, arms and hands, I could not find the source of all the bleeding. I also thought it eerie that only my face had dried blood on it, nothing else, including the area of carpet that my head had been resting upon. I proceeded to walk quickly to the bathroom, making sure that no one else would accidentally see me in this state and presume wrong things. After washing my face, making sure that the face cloth and the sink had no evidence on them of whatever happen, I went back to my room to change. I thought to myself while changing the wet clothes that something was wrong. Like one of these feelings you've forgotten something, something bad that happened, although it had escaped your mind at this time for some reason. A justification of the depressed feelings you had impelling on your lungs. Only when you have noticed what it was, that had grown wings to fly away from your mind, were you able to reassure yourself it was not bad enough to feel so depressed about.

Placing my clothes in the laundry basket as I walked downstairs, the normal daily activities for a Saturday came to my mind. First of all, without any argument, it was time for coffee, but walking down the stairs more slowly than normally a thought appeared to me, that the blood might have in fact come from a nose bleed. Although that did not explain why I was sleeping on the floor, not on the bed and why it was that the blood was dry on my face, not anywhere else. I've always been one of those people concerned too much about the small details rather than anything else. However, ever since I remember it's been important to remember the small details, it's something that had to be done. Almost a responsibility of mine to make sure that what I call my gift is always used for what it should be used for. Every small detail is somehow related to it. Gift, that's a new way of mine of seeing my life through a more positive glass though most of the time I prefer to call it something worse. My 'gift' is a little hard to explain, without knowing what it feels like. It's almost like sensing peoples inner most desires and their strongest wills that are even mostly hidden from them but also drives them continuously. In general, most people are the same on the inside, they all want inner comfort and to be important to at least one person, to be loved as well. I don't mean those sorts of desires; I mean exactly what people want, whether it be fewer responsibilities, acceptance or to burst out in song in front of people.

Although in general, we are all the same, we are all very different in the one thing that we want. The scariest thing about my gift is that sometimes I can make it happen and people regret calling me freak for saying something stupid. I do not blame them for calling me a freak or weirdo, I think that I am but there is a self-acceptance to such a thing. As I walked into the kitchen I jumped back in alarm, one of my housemates has been already up. I wondered what the time was since I had not checked since I woke up on my bedroom floor, although I was quite assured that I knew what day it was, not losing it yet at least. Emily, one of the two people I shared a house with for the past four years, was just one of those lovely people you just happen to meet. Sweet as a cooking apple, intelligent to go far in life, but she had one really astounding quality; she was one of those naturally really great looking people. Even now with rubber gloves on, doing some washing up, she looked better than I could even if I tried for hours. Although I knew I would never end up marrying this beautiful woman, I made it my business to flirt and she made me feel really alive when I was around her. I wished that she would one day marry me, nonetheless it would never happen. It turned out we did not talk as much on this occasion, but she laughed, while turning back to look at her dirty dishes after I made my rather jumpy entrance. Walking across the kitchen I made one of my comments.

"You know, you really do look good in those gloves. You really should do the washing up more often; I think it would be good for both of us!" Turning on the kettle as I finished talking, then moving to stand behind her whilst she made circle moments with a dish cloth.

"Don't be cheeky Andrew; it's too early to beat you up!" Not even lifting her head up.

I walked closer to her, and kissed her on the top of her head. Her hair smelt sweet like it always does, even though I was not really sure of what it smelt of on this occasion. I said softly but playfully, "Don't worry, you can buy one of those new dishwashers so you can concentrate your efforts on cleaning my underpants. I know that's what you really want to do with your days off." She giggled, and then turned around to threaten me with the dishcloth.

"Hey, put the dish cloth down and step away from the sink. We can sort this out, just don't do anything you'll regret later on", as I started to laugh at my own predictable comments.

She put the dish cloth down, and stepped a little closer to me. Her face turned from a smile to an almost tearful, painful expression I'd only ever seen a few times in her. In the last attempt to cheer her up something bluntly came out, "don't worry, I will get someone else to clean my underpants if you want?"

"Its' not that although no, do your own laundry, I am going to see the dentist on Monday about my teeth. I am so conscious about them; I really do want him to do something about how they look." Stepping closer towards me, so my arms automatically enclosed her into a hug.

"What do you mean your teeth?" Almost shocked since she was perfect in every way possible.

"They're just so straight, and they look horrible!" Her eyes filling with tears, as she looked at me. I could feel something was really wrong, actually I thought that this might all be a dream or a joke that she was playing with me. Still, it was not that, I felt her pain and of course, my stupid 'gift' was confusing with what I knew to be true. Emily had been born with the most perfect set of teeth known to humankind; I did not know why she was so upset. I must have murmured something else to her, along the lines of that I would support her, but to be honest, I was just so confused that I did not know what to say. Very much unlike me, I normally know what to say and how to say it.

****

The weekend passed quickly, although I must say it was not like any other, I had been through. Little things kept playing on my mind, maybe it was just Emily and what she said about her teeth playing at the back of my mind all the time. I don't know, it was certainly something and everyone seemed to be different in some way. I only thought about what I had woken up to on Saturday morning a couple of times, still like with everything else there was a piece missing. It just so happens that the piece of information missing was the piece that linked what I knew with what I did not know, frustrating as well as silently scary. Monday morning came like every other Monday morning, I think most people walk around in shock not expecting it to come, well I know that I do at least. If I am going to be late, it's normally this day of the week and quite like normal Emily was already up, ready to go when I rushed downstairs, tie around my neck waiting to be done. "Sorry, running late." I said as she lodged a piece of toast in my mouth, another reason this woman is great I thought to myself.

"Tell me when you're not! That way you'll save on words bunny just dont sleep on the carpet again. Come on, let's go." She said walking towards the front door. "Bye Jane, " she shouted out, Jane our other housemate shouted something back, but I did not hear it. Jane sort of likes to keep herself to herself, and it was not like we'd ever been that close to each other. Emily was wearing her light brown hair up today, the way that I loved it. Well, if the general impression is that I love everything about this woman, then it's rightly placed. We did not share a bed, or even a room, but we had been going out in a sort of way, for the last few months but friends since 1965 so a few years. Maybe she was using me until she found someone much better, or just waiting for me to move on the whole relationship question, maybe ask her to marry me. Still, I did not want to rush things; I was so scared of losing what I already had with her. I often joked with myself that if only my gift was to mind read it would be so much better for me; at least I would gain something from it then. Don't get me wrong, I'd always gotten a lot out of changing people's lives, helping them, but it was that, well, I would never benefit from it, I don't see how I could.

As I followed Emily to the car, she repeated what she had said on Saturday morning, something which in my already confused state I did not want to hear. "I am going to the dentists today, to ask about my teeth". She said as if it was a statement, although I could tell it was more like a question and a want for approval.

"Ok, well please just talk to him about stuff and then we can talk about it together tonight, before you get anything done." She seemed quite happy with that, and got into the drivers' side of the car. I think that she did not trust me to drive when I was running late, something to do with almost running over a cat about a year before. I was in a rush, and was not paying that much attention I do admit. Still, I did not hurt the cat in any way.

As we, or Emily shall I say drove to work I looked across the car to see the church that so often reminded me of how all this started. I was about 20 or so, when I first used my gift to change someone else's life. Before that I had always known inside me there was something that I could do. It was a cold winter's day and for the first time I walked into that church for some irrational reason, which is still unknown to me. I saw this man that could not find a job, he was poor as hell, maybe a word I should not use in conjunction with a church. Anyway, I felt his pain when I walked into that church, I felt the disappointment in himself failing to provide, as he saw it, for his wife and two daughters. I just knew all this without even knowing him or even uttering a word to him. As I walked to the front of the church, he turned and looked at me with an almost terrified look on his face. What happened next is not really that believable and is harder to explain. It was almost like everything around us became air, the other people failed to even notice us and what happened afterwards. I was driven by some God, and as I placed my hand on his head the church started to get brighter and my heart started beating a million times faster. My whole body started hurting, as I tried to lift my hand away from his head, I could not, it hurt more and my arm was no longer controlled by me.

I closed my eyes for a second, and for a while it felt like I became everything in the world. I could feel the wind, the sun, light, darkness, it was overwhelming. Then the light got so bright I could not see anything, almost at the same point I started to panic as I thought that my hand was bleeding. I'd always been scared of bleeding, and it was made worse by not being able to move or even see my hand. After what felt like a good ten minutes, although most likely a few seconds, everything went back to normal. Then I removed my hand from the man's head, and he said thank you. I was almost in tears, and ran out of the church, to head home. I thought that I had gone crazy; I'd only just decided to graduate in three more years to become a psychotherapist, which maybe should have given me an insight. After that experience it only had happened three more times, at least I thought that it had. I am unsure for some reason, most likely nothing but a random feeling though.

I almost snapped out of that memory, when Emily pulled into the car park of the hospital that we both worked in. She was the up and flying psychiatrist and I was the psychotherapist, who almost no one wanted to listen since I was not experienced enough to change the system. One thing I learnt from the department of mental illness in this hospital is that most of the people paid to help others, are often in need of a lot of help themselves. I know that I do, so many times I thought that I was crazy or having some weird manic delusions about my whole gift thing. Or maybe it was just comfortable to sit behind a mental health problem, either way I always kept this to myself. That man in the church, my first time of granting, I later read in the paper he came up with an invention that made him millions, no doubt he moved up in the world. I am glad for him, although maybe he could have shared the wealth since I get paid much less than Emily for doing more work!

When I stepped out of the car, I felt like someone had hit me a full-blown smack in the stomach. I saw three of my work colleagues wearing really stupid clothing; they looked somewhat out of the future. One person, Lisa, the general manager of red tape, as I call it, for our department was wearing no make-up. I don't mean that to sound rude, but with her fancy-dress outfit and her normal heavy applied make-up missing, it did somewhat shock me. I started to laugh to myself as she walked into the main building entrance, to which Emily had already walked through herself stopping and giving me a most weird look, like I had committed an act of a crazy man. "What is it?" She snapped at me.

"Did you notice anything about Lisa today? Anything unusual at all?" I admit I expected her to agree with the direction of my thoughts.
Emily continued to walk through the main entrance without answering, with me closely following behind her, quite not seeming to ever catch up at any point. I spent the morning trying to hide anyway, and at lunch time I went to Emily's office, located three rooms away from mine on the left. She had her door open like it normally is, so I just walked in, but unlike normal as soon as I stepped close to her desk, I looked at her client list for that day. Thankfully, I was not on it, although I half expected myself to be. There was something wrong with either myself or everyone else, it had not appeared until now. There were too many weird things going on like people had forgotten what it was like to be… well normal. Rather than making an effort towards this standard, they were all trying to move away from it. This is too crazy; I think that I've gone mad!

****

It was now the end of the day; Emily had already gone home since she left early to see the dentist. This had been one of the weirdest days that I've been through in a long time. It hit 5:30pm and I really wanted to make my way out of the hospital, to start on my not so long walk home. However, everyone seemed to be trying to stop me, first of all one of the nurses from the ward kept asking me to stay although she would not tell me why. She kept saying that it was better for me to stay here for a while, might be because of a surprise party held in my honour. Still, it was not my birthday and I had not done anything worthy of a party for, well in a long time. I sort of had to rudely push past her to get out, only to be almost shouted at by Lisa, who was sitting at the reception at the end of the ward. I rushed past her saying something like; sorry I am in a real rush and have to get home. I don't know what it was with these people today. I got to the hospital main entrance, walking out while doing up my long black coat. It always keeps me warm on cold winter days like today, I love this coat. Walking in the direction of home, I noticed how dark it was and it was getting colder along with it.

As I walked down the path, I felt something hit me in the stomach, and something else was holding me back. I could see nothing stopping me, but for some reason, I could not move without applying a large amount of force to my movements. It was like walking in water, you always have to be much slower and find difficulty in moving. A single flash of blue light hit my eyes, as the pain from my stomach made me head-towards the floor, my hands softening my landing although only to a small extent. As my face hit the ground, an explosion of thought happened in my head. I remembered what I did, what happened on Friday night. I know why I had dried blood on my face, why it was that I woke up on the carpet and why Emily and everyone else had changed. This was the first time I had ever noticed that along with everyone else I actually had a single desire. It would make sense that, since I had a gift & the desire for that one special thing that these two would come together in union at some point. Still, it's more than just making sense, I remember it happening, I remember being both the person receiving the gift and the one granting the gift. I had been two different people at the same time, and had granted myself my one desire. But rather than it working, something had gone wrong. Maybe it was that I could never grant myself, it could have been one of the rules of this game. I woke up with blood on my face, since when I was granting my hand, which was holding my own chin, blood had poured out of my hand onto his, rather my face. The light could have dried the blood.

In the normal process of granting the person's life is changed for the better. On this occasion what had happened is that rather than me being changed everyone else in the world had, slowly, started to change instead. This explains the crazy comments that Emily made about her teeth being nice and straight. It also explained why the people around me, Lisa for example, looked so very different. I had single-handedly changed the worlds perception. I said out loud: "what have I done?" I knew this, even now resting on the floor in pain, that this was all wrong. I got an abrupt hit of more pain....

****

"Hello Andrew, my name is Doctor Freehold; I am one of the psychiatrists. Although I don't normally work in the same ward that you're in." She looked at Andrew, a man of 23 years old who had a very strong form of psychosis. Doctor Freehold herself an experienced doctor had been working part time after an unsuccessful retirement and now aged in her 70s took more interest in unusual cases.

She continued, "Do you remember last night at all? You broke out of ward 11 and then decided to break into my office on ward 10. You then went through my medical books, and wrote a very interesting story on my wall in black ink. I am very interested in how much you believe in your fairy-tale, about someone called Emily and a thing you called your gift. Is that Emily me, Andrew? I don't believe we have met before, have we?" He looked down after looking directly at her and did not attempt to answer her at all.

So, she went on, "You tried to walk out, but when one of the nurses found you, you pushed passed her. She followed you outside while someone else called the police. In the end they accidentally knocked you out, because you completely ignored them and tried to continue away from the hospital. I hope that you understand that, someone in your condition, we could not simply let you go. You'd end up hurting yourself and maybe even other people. Andrew, do you understand? ... Andrew...."

After a couple of minutes of silence, a nurse walked in, and whispered something in my ear. "Emily, we found a large amount of Andrews's medication hidden under his bed. He has not been taking it, we can only presume." Luckily Andrew did not even notice the nurse coming into the room; he just seemed to be staring out of the window at this point. It was a cold November day. For some reason Emily thought back to her honeymoon with her husband, part of the reason she did not completely retire was because he died in 1988. She turned her attention back to Andrew, and thought to herself that I had actually seen him somewhere else. I have not seen him as a doctor in this hospital, somewhere else possibly. A cold shiver went down her back. Just then Andrew turned and said something to me. "I have a gift; I can read peoples minds. Sometimes I can even live their memories for a short while. In an odd kind of way that is." He said, turning back around to stare out the window when he had finished talking.

"Andrew, it's very wrong to think that." Emily said. Then, with horror she realized that once her soon to be husband whose office is three doors down and to the right from hers, had said something about waking up on the floor a couple of years ago, in what is now his old room. She also realized that on Monday mornings, her soon to be husband would always be running late, she always would drive to work. Since he about a year before that and a half ago had almost run over a cat. She didn't trust him to drive when he was running late. She then realized with shock that this 23-year-old had written her memories on her own office walls.

Andrew then turned and smiled. He started to talk I have missed you; my one desire was always to be with you and I have. As tears replaced the comfort that he wished he went on, It is time Emily For some reason Emily knew what he was saying and knew that he had come back. A light started to blow their clothing, making them seamlessly lift away from their bodies. Andrew continued " You're not going to be changed but don't be scared." He tried to smile; however, the fear of what was about to happen hit him faster than he thought. He could feel his warm tears as they rolled down his face. Both of them knew they was no need to be scared or even ask what was happening. Emily softy said Thank you for not making me go through this alone

At this time, they closed their eyes, as each passing moment transpired, it became more about being aware of feeling the room we were both in, rather than working from the data that my limited senses allowed them to feel. The transfer became more powerful and painful until the light became stronger to the extent it blocked everything out including what they felt. The pain reached its completion and everything stopped, all that happened died down into a void.

****

After around 20 minutes both Andrew, age 23 and Emily aged 73 were both found dead with blood around their faces, dried with no real reason of how it got there. No real explanation of how they had died could be found. They both look content and happy almost embracing each other, as if they knew each other.

AmalieAnne OP July 15th, 2019

Summer Holiday/vacation playlist – it is not very long but kind of thought these are few of the really good ones.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?listTongueLeYqO16rIKaVNIrAnvF-7sxzWeNX2d6r3

1. Cinderella (2015) - "The Great Secret" by Patrick Doyle
2. Surfing Dolphins –

AmalieAnne OP July 18th, 2019

AmalieAnne OP September 5th, 2019

A few Holiday Pictures (2019)

AmalieAnne OP November 9th, 2019

What happens when you are a little sick and kind of grumpy. You do this of course: