My Diary place

@Avaray I think I maybe understand what you are saying I know that the CBT, it is thoughts, emotions and behaviour which is then linked back to thoughts (I might have to check though, I think it is that). So, if you break thoughts and behaviour then the emotions will not be there. Still, I kind of agree with you that sometimes emotions can be there like being scared or feeling guilty without having thoughts about bad things. Maybe though and this is just a thought, if you did not tell or it was a secret until people are all grown up then it becomes more difficult [maybe?]. So, then the scary and guilty things get pushed down so you oldies can be adults and do jobs etc. I might be really really wrong though. I think you are prefect the way you are, I am not saying that the bad emotions are good but maybe you really needed to use your reasoning and analysing so you can get through things. So it is not a bad thing you do that *hugs* I guess well.. I get angry sometimes which is ok but I have to know how to make it come out in a different way (not kick people and all that). It is all confusing. It sometimes feels though that my emotions cause thoughts rather than the other way around.

I guess this would be a good use of this rarelycharlie.github.io/avu29EOUlNiQfKBJnB3l-mBu9K4CtP1vfIoLNMmlR=

@AmalieAnne

Thanks for the hugs kiddo, hugs back 💜

It's hard learning stuff, but it's necessary to heal and become more whole, maybe for you its easier to kick, bite etc because that's expressing maybe the external expression of the internal things that are harder to express with words. Almost like a frustration,panic or rage maybe. I wish i could throw things sometimes or just scream maybe, it's like your emotions need a physical out or something. I'm glad at your age you are working through these emotions, thoughts and not bottling them up, it's much healthier, proud of you kiddo.

Hugs my friend 💚💜💚💜

@Avaray Sometimes J and me go the part of the park that no one really goes to and then I am allowed to shout all the bad language I know. It helps a lot and I learnt some Russian as well

@AmalieAnne

Kiddo I'm glad you can get it out like that xx... And learning a new language.... That's a bonus 💕

@Avaray It is just the bad language for now. I am learning dutch but that might take a while. How is your studying going? I hope you wear the correct school uniform lady.

@AmalieAnne

Hey there, my studies....hmmmm. Taken a few weeks off because I have been very busy, exhausted and not feeling too good or motivated, i don't wear a uniform fortunately as i study through correspondence distance learning and then write certain times a year at a specified venue.

I might also be having surgery on my hand again end november but will see what my orthopedic surgeon says when i see him again, it takes awhile to recover so i need to try balance it out between working studying and school for my kids as i do a lot of drivin.vso i think end November will be better.

I suppose technically swearing could be considered a language 😜💕💕

@Avaray It is ok to take a few weeks off but if you need me to kick your bottom then I am of course willing to do so. Increase your motivation kick. As long as you are not giving up that is ok, if you do I will kick your bottom without permission. I am not very good at kicking moving targets so you might have to stand still. It is good you do not have to wear a uniform even though I really like my current school uniform now they changed it to blue. In my last UK school, it was a weird mix of yellow, cream and green but it was an expensive school so maybe they were trying to make sure we looked smart or could hide from tigers by blending greens and hay (or something). What happened to your hand? *pets Avaray

@AmalieAnne

Thanks Ames the butler sounds great 😀 I'm not the best patient i normally end up doing stuff before time 😬 he's wanting to remove the joint bone at the base of my thumb and replace it with a tendon from my arm to make a spacer where the bone was, its from overuse, wear and tear. My last operations i had both hands done at the same time for diff problems, thought let me just get both done at one time..... Not too clever right, especially without the help of your offer off your butler 😂

I probably might need a kick for my studies, but will keep you posted 😇😄

Thanks Ames 💜

@Avaray I will send my butler called Montague Eugene over to help, he is very posh and also imaginary. You are falling apart but if you need to have something yucky done then make sure your hand is better before use or you will need to be fixed again. Oldies always stubborn and falling apart. I have broken my foot and leg more than once (darn stairs) but it must be frustrating when you cannot use your arms/hands. So Avaray it is time to learn to write, drive and other things with your feet I HATE hospitals so be brave ok. I have put my kicking shoes on ready if necessary Watch out lady.

This became almost 2000 words so I decided to rename it.

Amalies Lecture - Where are the aliens at people?

The Drake Equation version 2
So, I think everyone knows about the Drake equation, but I will go over it just to make sure that you have not forgotten parts of it. In 1961 Frank Drake created an equation to estimate the probability of active extra-terrestrials, in other words what is the likelihood that there are aliens out there that we could communicate with us. This is sort of the basis around and the purpose of SETI, which today aims to use radio waves to discover them aliens. Only once did they pick up something which is now referred to as the WOW signal. It is a Fermi estimate so it is not really an attempt to tell us how many alien civilizations. So, this is the equation:

N represents the number of possible alien civilisations out there that could talk to us. R* is the average rate of star formation in our galaxy, there is no evidence that life could exist on a rogue planet which no longer orbits of a star although theoretically it is possible. Fp the number of stars with planets around them, which today is calculated by a light reduction of light emitted by a star. Ne is the average number of planets that could potentially support life. Earth and Mars are both within the habitable zone in a traditional sense, in that both planets are close enough to be warmed by the sun, but not too hot to kill everything but not too far to freeze [like Canada right now]. This has been questioned, most likely there is life outside this zone in our solar system. As yet we do not know if there is life, but SETI, NASA, ESA and other organisations think there is a high likelihood that life, even in micro form could exist on Mars and Venus, but also Titan Saturns largest moon, Callisto and Ganymede both moons of Jupiter. Most promising of all is Europa another moon of Jupiter it is thought to have more liquid water than Earth although it is 10 miles or 16 Kilometres below the surface.

Fl is the fraction of planets that could go on to support life, this is particularly important to consider that new stars are being created in stellar nurseries in which planets are yet to be formed. Fi is the fraction that could support not just life, but intelligent life. Fc refers to the fraction of civilizations that could develop a technology detectable from space. Considering the amount of time before our species developed such technology, radios and television signals, it could be a while before aliens also developed those or similar technologies. According to Emily Lakdawalla (2012) the signals humans have produced have only travelled 200 light years, which is not a lot and most likely has been affected by electromagnetic radiation. The closest solar system to us is Proxima Centauri, about 4.24 light years from us. The most distant habitable exoplanet [we know of] is Kepler-443b which is 2540 light years away. This makes it sound like we are close to other stars and exoplanets, but the span of our rather small Milky Way is 100,000 light years across so 200 light years is not a lot. Another galaxy we know of is M87, which is 980,000 light years across. We are very tiny, sorry. The L and most important part, is the length of time developed civilisations last which might sound a bit odd, but during the cold war we could have been all killed by nuclear weapons (that was before I was born though) and with climate change we still might be. Lets all think positively and try our best to reduce our impact on the only known planet that can support humans.

So, the updated version The Drake, Ward and Brownlee Equation
Now that you have absorbed all that lovely information we can move towards version 2. It would look something like this:

This will include some scary maths but hold on, I will end with hope. This new equation now includes five more factors, one of which is mine. Wc is the cosmic weather in 1859 an event called the ‘Carrington Event hit our planet caused by solar coronal mass ejection or solar flare. Since it was 1859 it did not cause much damage to us, but what is cause for worry is that earth and any other technological advanced alien civilization that uses the same kind of technology as we do. This in effect produced a massive EMP blast which has the ability to completely destroy every electrical device which could never be fixed. In 1859 it did destroy telegram stations as well as electrocuting telegram operators. Today we rely on satellites, iPads, computers, power plants, nuclear power plants, planes, cars and in fact everything. If it happened the 5000-6000 planes that are always in the sky would crash, nuclear and chemical plants would do their thing [blow up or whatnot]. In short if we were not dead in the first go, the lack of food, heat and light would kill the rest of us shortly afterwards. Scientists and governments are slowly reacting to this possibility, but we are far from safe. If the same is true alien cultures they would also share our fate.

Ni is that we are simply not interesting enough, I know us not interesting who would have thought it? Our planet has a lot of life on it, but we might not be remarkable to alien life which closely links to the next two factors. Ls is not enough resources, although we think that oil is important to us because it is, if an alien civilization had the ability to find us and they were looking for resources earth does not have a lot of them. Our moon as more helium 3 than Earth does, but then we have found a quasar called APM 08279+5255 [such a catchy name if you ask me] not only does it have a black hole 20 billion times the mass of our star it produces more energy than a thousand trillion suns. What is more interesting is the body of water around it containing 140 trillion times more water than found on Earth. Water is important for many reasons, not only is water essential to life [as we know it] it can be broken down into oxygen and hydrogen, which in nuclear fusion could create an almost endless source of energy. That reaction would also produce helium yet another source of energy. So, we come to Mo being the motives of any given alien civilizations, they could be more interested in exploring inner space not outer space, they could be interested in themselves not to them aliens like us. On our planet, there are other species that can plan, adapt and many other things, but none of them so far appear to have an interest in exploring space. For aliens this might also be true, perhaps we are the only ones that can even think about space travel as it requires bizarre abstract thinking to do so.

Last of all we have Ci, Stephen Webb who will are soon to meet, says that if our moon was a mile bigger or smaller we would have an unstable climate. That fact for eons the moon has helped to stabilise earth's climate and also stabilised Earth's rotational axis means we have had a very stable climate. Allowing our species to develop in relative constant conditions. So not only would alien planets have to be in habitat zones relative to their sun, they would also need a moon about the same size as ours to make exoplanets habitable. The fact we are here and our planet is here is remarkable, for there to be another planet with aliens capable of communicating with us would also have to be remarkable. Before we get to the maths there is good news, we know that comets can carry amino acids the building blocks for life and we do not know a great deal about space. We could be wrong and what we can see from our little planet is just the start. We are here against all odds, we are lucky and there could be another planet as lucky out there waiting for us to find it and perhaps the aliens on that planet to find us in the vastness of space. And space is VAST beyond all imagination, the furthest human made object is NASAs Voyager 1 spacecraft launched in 1977. In 2000 it passed the Heliopause, where the influence of our sun is so low it matches what is found in interstellar space. As of February 2018, it was 3 billion miles or 21 billion kilometres from us, that is 0.0051032338506975 light years. Yes, we still have a long way to go, but lets hope and never give up.

So now comes the depressing and rather sad part thanks to Stephen Webb. It is time for the mathematics. What are the odds of their being an alien life out there which match the Drake, Ward and Brownlee Equation.

Out of the trillion planets we know only some are habitable exoplanets planet for life this reduces the number to a billion.
Out of the billion planets those that have a stable climate reduces this to a million.
Out of the million planets those that could start life, reduce it to thousands.
Out of the thousands of planets, complex life could be found in 1 of those planets.
Out of the 1 planet those that have developed complex useful tools reduces it to 1 in 1000 galaxies.
Out of the 1 in 1000 galaxies those that develop complex knowledge of science and maths reduces this to 1 in a million galaxies.
Out of the 1 in a million those that have social aliens able to communicate abstract concepts like space exploration reduces to 1 in a billion galaxies.
Out of the 1 in a billion that are not destroyed by cosmic or self-destruction reduces it to 1 in a trillion galaxies.

I did a picture to cheer you up. Thanks Stephen Webb for that depressing maths but remember two things space is vast and we really have not started out on our own exploration. Still, lets make sure we survive by looking after each other and our planet. In time we might just be able to find intelligent alien life that can communicate with us. The cosmos is amazing.

Visiting Six Exoplanets - I found this which is a VR thing but if you are using a computer you can use the mouse to look around. These are some exoplanets that people have found that are out there.

@AmalieAnne

YES!!!!!! This is my favorite musical of all time!!!!! "To LOVE another person is to see the face of GOD" ❤️

@KLM3278 I have it in 6 languages Eponine to me always seemed to the in hero for some reason

@AmalieAnne

💜💚❤

@Avaray ❤

@AmalieAnne

Love the profile pic xx

@Avaray Thank you, it just my face I am now 150cm tall (rounding up), put weight on and my percentile went from 21 or 22, to 44 for my age. So I am catching up YAY

@AmalieAnne

I'm glad you're feeling good about catching up xx

And just letting you know it's not just a face it's a lovely, beautiful face kiddo.

@Avaray Thank you, it kind of came with my body (my face are catching up with my ears which is good)

@AmalieAnne

😜😄

@Avaray are you hands better? even a little bit.

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames xx thanks for asking 💕

I'm going for an operation in December on my hand it's called, thumb trapeziectomy and ligament reconstruction.

I'm not the best patient at keeping my hand strapped up because that irritates me and i have things to do, hmmm so I'm going to have to try be good....

💚

@Avaray I hope that the operation is not too painful or scary but make sure you be good and let your hand get better. If not then we will have to cut off your hand and then you will have to become pirate on the high seas. GRaaahhhh... you can only drink rum. I am not sure what that taste like so do not take that risk.

@AmalieAnne

A pirate.... Hmmm something to think about, adventures at sea, treasure hunts.... Rum.... Not too sure about that, i dont drink alcohol so i would probably get drunk just on the fumes.... Ha ha... Practicing my harty laugh... Ok i need practice. I have a dog with only one eye so he could wear an eye patch and really make me look the part.

But I'll try my best to be good, have been practicing writing with different fingers.

Hugs my little friend.... 4 more sleeps untill someone turns a year older... I wonder who that could possibly be....ho ho ho, ok now I sound like santa instead of a pirate.. Oh dear 😬😕😀 ❤

@Avaray If you are good you can remain a land lover, so be good because the Rum is mandatory requirement of being a pirate. I do not make the rules sadly. There was a famous pirate called Cheng Shih, she had control of 1800 ships and scared the Chinese imperial navy, to be honest I think she would scare anyone. So if you do not let your hand get better or the East India Company might come after you. Even though she was quite progressive for a pirate she would not put up for any rule breaking or you would no longer have a head attached to your body. You doggy might not like being at sea as well.

Will you have to have the physical therapy afterwards? It is good that you learning to move to your other hand, we just need to train your brain to be good. It is Wednesday here so 6 move sleeps until the 29th, then 7 more sleep then I am almost 16. Ahh.. I am getting so old. I will have to start drinking coffee and stuff.. not sure what else. Kind of been a weird day. Ho ho ho are you going to be on the naughty or nice list? Only time will tell, they are still doing the maths for most people and then they need to check it a couple of times.

@AmalieAnne

Hey Ames x

Ok I'll be good...ok I'll try be good 😉

2 weeks in a splint/cast thing and then 6 weeks in another type of splint that they mould for my hand. I will need to see an occupation therapist to gain the strength back etc. I won't use the other hand , although she said i could reprogram my brain to do that with a course that they do, but I'll use the hand i have the op on but different fingers to support my pen.

I think my dog wouldn'tike going to sea he's scared of water and can be quite a stroppy old dog.

Hope u are keeping well x

What you doing for your birthday...

@Avaray Sounds kind of painful, how did you hurt your hands so bad? You do not have to answer of course, just be careful ok. Plus your hand might be smelly after all that splint things and casts, on the time I broke my foot *Darn stairs* I could not wash it, so you might not be able to wash your hand until it is healed up. I am dyslexia, I think you knew that, you could do your course using a recorder rather than writing. Speaking is not my best ability though but if you have a 'disability' then you should be able to submit it through recordings rather than writing. Any problems with your teachers send them to me for a good telling off [and maybe a kick].

Oh no a stroppy doggy ahhhh! But she would have to earn her keep on a pirate ship, could she fetch gunpowder for the muskets? Molly my adopted doggy that lives next door can be grumpy but she normal makes a sound to say I am not being silly with you. I am keeping well, at school today I did not cry or anything and was good at least 95% of the time. As for my birthday there is something still, it is a surpise next weekend so I am not really sure what is going on. Some sort of conspiracy I thinks, I am watching people... anywho even though I fell asleep in the car on the way home from school it is past my bedtime. Ni ni oldie Avaray

@AmalieAnne

Night night kiddo

My thumb joint is what that would say "wear and tear" overuse and age... Yeah i know I'm old 😜 the joint wears down and then the bone rubs on to each other.

I have a problem with talking out my work, cause I sort of think with my hand if i can say it like that, i need to physically write for my thoughts to think correctly. Even if i am talking on the phone i normally start doodling on whatever paper that is in front of me... Not good if it's my work papers 😬

Ive decided to postpone my next exam to May instead of Feb, to give me a bit more time, but not to worry I'm a tough old duck 😀

I have had lots of operations, I take it as a vacation while I'm in there, no cooking, cleaning etc.

I'm glad you had a good day at school Ames xx

Hugs

@Avaray You are old and sometimes you oldies get broken [I think you have been beating up monkeys but I would never say that], so it is good you will get fixed and then back to normal. Still kind of sounds like an icky operation thing to go through, so be brave and close your eyes if you get scared, it works for me. I learnt to write with my right hand but it is about training the other hand. Maybe you could get some colour pencils and colouring books so it is fun and you can train your other hand at the same time. You will still have to not do some things so you can get bossy and tell other people to do the cleaning I would offer to cook for you but I would burn your house down so that is not a good idea at all silly. *huggles*

@Avaray I kind of a parent question if you would not mind me asking it? As you are a parent and another reason but not sure how to say it. So my question is about mommy and me being disabled a little bit.

@AmalieAnne

Hey kiddo x

I only saw this post now, you can ask Ames....

@AmalieAnne

I thought your birthday was on 25,.... Sorry 😯😉

@Avaray No two days to go and then three days until I am almost 16

@AmalieAnne

Happy birthday young lady xx

@Avaray Thank you

An OCD update
Although I do not consider myself to have OCD, the compulsions of reducing anxiety through certain behaviour is still present, perhaps more than I care to admit. Washing my hands once is now more normal than it has been for a long time, but the anxiety to wash them again, as it feels, is still there albeit weaken by rational reinforcement. I cannot eat food that has been prepared by someone I do not know unless of course it comes from a place where it is wrapped. My brain being as such, does not wish to consider it was made by humans rather is produced then manifested by mystical forces for my consumption. Little devils talk to me providing doubt what is safe and what is unsafe regardless of truth.

Those around me, challenge me through exposure and talking, it perhaps is working, but again, I do not wish to admit, that is not the precedent wished for. It can only be followed by more anxiety and more challenge. Going out wearing gloves does not resolve the need to wash my hands when I return to the safety of a known place. As if the gloves do not provide protection other than from the cold. It is then easier to say the anxiety follows that which is not known to me rather than those things which are. For the known a compromise with myself can be achieved, it is unclear how this is accomplished. I never said I was rational, that would be too normal and normal is what everyone is. Such a boring state to be held within.

Achievements of eating unwrapped food by the unknowns and washing my hands just once are and should be considered to be steps towards significance. Still, our species is disorganised and for that I am ungrateful, for me since it cannot be achieved internally it must be presented externally. Order is not an option, at least not for now. Things have to be the way they are but things need to be different. A shelf of fairy tales, a shelf of theology, a shelf of science, these things need to be separate but as I learn more the less distinctive these categories are. Now I understand why certain ignorance is a blessing least it to be compared to stupidity. It also provides a contradiction for unknowns to become knowns should in theory make them safe.

Self-abasement is cruel to push upon myself, it would be cruel to anyone but then leaves me feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps it is time to admit the self-abased approach is no longer warranted, like guilt and shame, it should not be held by me. As those words feel wrong, they mean something at least in the part of myself that I considered to be controlled by me. So, acceptance, perhaps is the answer. Things have improved and like an overture it needs to be played from beginning to end before such acceptance is truly acceptable, before understanding is known. Like all things, one step at one time is the way of knowing how to resolve such preoccupations. It would help though if anxiety would itself be directed at things it needs to be rather than things it does not. That it should be said is not only the difficult part but unpleasant.

What can

@AmalieAnne

Hugs Ames x

@Avaray Lift your poorly hand up, ok now but it down and lift up the other one. OK I go there, now bring your arm down. Ok, so what story would you like?