Letters

Reading your story made me reflect a lot... my childhood was not perfect but no where near as tortured as yours was... As a parent that made many mistakes, I am now reflecting on my upbringing and the raising of my kids. It makes me sad but the glaring similarity is kids don't come with a handbook. Parents do what they think is best, thank goodness new generations of parents have so much information available about raising kids. I agree with you 100% on what a child needs, love, a light amount of guidance. I was raised by discipliarian parents and it did not work out well for me. I doubt they ever questioned thier methods as I am the lone "failure". Your story inspires me to convey the "raising kids" issues that seem to be at the fore front of our society. Wishing you well, thanks for sharing.

This is going to be a long and totally confused post, I'm sorry about it, I think this one will need a second part, but so far, well, I don't have more words now...

Dear A.,

There's so much I would like to tell you, so much I would like to share with you.. I would want you to see the person I've become.. there are so many different feelings inside of me, completely opposing feelings... There's this picture on my mind, this perfect picture, that we were somehow able to heal together, just you being still part of our family, perfectly fine... I really wished you had the chance to have this life... But the other side is, what if you were here? Would I really be the person I am now? I really don't know how to describe my feelings for you, I loved you from the bottom of my heart, but I'm not sure if this love I remember feeling is just a perfect memory or true... There are just so many memories and they are all kind of hazy... I remember the day we met, as I entered our room at the new school and you were there, sitting on the floor, wrapped in a purple blanket, ith your headphones on, totally rapt in your music... I don't know, that was such a calm picture and it just grounded me immediately... I've been this scared and wounded 14 year old boy and there was somebody who just looked like I felt, lost and lonely... From first sight there was this connectiin, right? Hell, it could have been sth good, we could have been brilliant together... Why did we screw it up so much, why did we destroy each other? I owe you so much, my life probably... I remember the first time you suggested to just not go home for the weekend, find an excuse like having a learning group or sth like that... That never came to my mind, that was just an impossible thought for me, you gave me the chance to escape my horror... You took me to London for the first time, this overwhelming horrible wonderful place, you took me here, exactly here where I'm sitting now, to this flat, this room, you gave me a home, well, the idea of a home... But it was the beginning, the start of my new life, you were the beginning... But it also was the beginning of the end... I don't know when we started this competition, cause that's what it was, it was a life and death fight... Who can go longer without eating? Who can do more sports? Who can take more drugs? Who can cut deeper? At first it was just great, right? Having somebody who also gets up at 4am to go for a run, who also avoids food whenever possible, who also has those haunting memories and no better outlet than just hurting the already damaged body more, who also tries to escape in a dreamworld with any possible kind of drug... It was just amazing not to be ashamed of the tears at night, or the bruises added every weekend, I didn't have to explain anything, I didn't have to tell you anything, you knew it... When did it start to become a nightmare? This downward spiral we were in, where was the point of no return? Was it really as I fell in love with this guy? It was just a crush, we had a date, yeah, I think I've been a bit in love... But well, you've been telling me for years that you're not open for a relationship, you didn't want this couple thing, so what did you expect? I had one date, how many guys did you have in all those years? I quit counting... But I think it started earlier, as I moved in with you and B.Z., as we brought B.R. in... I think as you saw how much B.Z. fought for me sth somehow broke inside of you, I don't know why, but that's how it seemed, suddenly there were these other two broken boys in your life and they got lots of attention, lots of care and probably you felt like nobody cares for you anymore... But I always cared, we always cared, we wanted you to be part of this family, but you pushed us away, you didn't come home for days and when you came home you were just furious, you started to fight with me out of the blue... I tried to make a few tiny steps forward, I went to this therapist, but you told me he's only telling me bullshit, so I stopped seeing him... I tried to go without drugs, you gave me drugs again... I found sth I felt comfortable eating, you told me how much calories bananas have, so I stopped eating them... You laughed about my silly tries of writing poems, you laughed about my habit sleeping with my plushy horse, you laughed about me... And then I fell in love with this guy and suddenly you behaved like I'm your property, like I'm cheating on you... I don't know if I can find words for what you did to me, there are words for it, but I just can't bring myself to using those words in combination with your name... Well, fact is I told you to stop and you didn't, I begged you and you told me to hold still and that I should know how that works... Fact is you threatened me with this knife, I think you even cut me one time, but I think my memory gets hazy there, it could be a nightmare or a memory... But fact is you hurt B.R. as he wanted to protect me, you hurt his arm really badly, there was lots of blood and well, then it gets hazy again... I only remember B.Z. coming home and then he called the ambulance, at first I thought for B.R., but it was for you... They gave you some kind of injection to calm you, you were screaming and kicking everybody near you... You looked at me and well, I think there were tears in your eyes, so much pain and so much hate... What have we done wrong? What have I done wrong? This was the last time I saw you... You hurt me so unbelieveably much, but I must have hurt you even more, I just don't know how... I think I forgave you, what you said, what you did to me, but I don't think I can ever forgive you leaving me... I know you didn't see another way, I know for you leaving this world was the only hope, I saw it in your eyes, but it was wrong... We could have been brilliant together, but we ended up like that... You're gone and I'm here, missing you every day...

Yours J.

I need to just get some thoughts out of my system right now, apologies if it won't make sense, no idea where this will lead...

This is a safe place, nobody will judge, nobody will laugh, I have the right to be here, this is a step forwards not backwards, I have the right to get support, opening up doesn't mean burdening somebody, it is ok to talk, my feelings matter too... I had to write that down just to remind me of it...

It's hard for me talk, or write, I feel like I don't have words, like I don't know where to start, that's why I started those letters, so I can concentrate on one chapter and don't get confused... But right now I just have the need to say anything, there's so much chaos on my mind and I need to order or thoughts somehow... Yeah, of course I could do that offline, old fashioned on a piece of paper, but this an exercise for me, every word I write here, post here is an exercise, it really scares me a lot, even if I only answer on somebody's post, take part in the Check-ins, I'm thinking about my words for ages, I'm scared of saying the wrong things, I'm scared of saying sth silly, I'm scared of what others think of me... So this is an exercise, just words, just what's on my mind...

There is this technique I'm using with my therapist, my mind is a castle, a beautiful whit castle, with little towers and all, well, like the disney castle... It has lots of rooms and every person in my life has a room, with everything connected with this person, coloured in the person's favourite colours, with things reminding me of this person, with all the memories of this person... There are lots of doors and the rooms are connected with each other, so I can wander around there freely and it's all connected somehow... That's the nice part of the castle... But then there is the cellar, there are brick walls and rooms with closed doors and only a tiny window in them... I can walk along the doors and look through the windows, just take a little look on the memory behind the door... The next step is opening the door and take a closer look, then close the door again... Then I have to open the door and step inside the room, look at the memory and feel it... Next time I have to open the door, step inside the room, look at the memory, feel it and talk to it... The last step will be opening the door completely, look at the memory, feel it, talk to it and walk away without closing the door behind me... The memory should get smaller and smaller with each step and whenever I feel oberwhelmed or scared I can just close the door and go upstairs and visit a good memory... Those are the memories I am working with, I can go there and leave again... But there are some rooms without doors, only walls, cause I haven't built doors, I only built walls, there are also rooms with doors, but I never opened them, or I have opened them, but the door closed behind me, that's how I describe episodes when I dissociated, I've been caught in a room with this memory... But what is really worrying me atm are the rooms without doors, the brick walls, it's like there are tiny cracks on the walls and some of the memories starting to break free and I have no control over it... The problem is, I don't really know what's behind the walls,I built them to hide the memories, to burry them and I did that very well... I know, you can say, this is only in my head, it's only my imagination, there isn't a castle on my mind, there aren't walls or rooms, yes, it is only an imagination, but it works, it really is like that... I've been working with this imagination for a long time, over 10 years, but about a year ago I've finished therapy, not completely healed, but I didn't need this sort of therapy anymore... I've been better waaaaay better, I've overcome my addictions, my anorexia (somehow), I've accepted my past and I learned or I choose to love my life, I think I started to see myself as a survivor not as a victim anymore... So I haven't visited my castle for some time, I didn't take care of it anymore and now it's like some of my bad memories freed themselves and switched rooms, some walls between the rooms broke down and there are different memories in one room and the worst there are free memories I don't really remember, I'm not sure, if they are really my memories or just nightmares or only my imagination... So that's my mind chaos atm and right now I'm trying to order that, I'm trying to get them all back into their rooms... And what just sucks like hell is that I somehow thought it's over, I thought I'm done with it, everything's fine and I can just live my life, but that was obviously a delusion, my mistake.... So yeah, it hits me like a hammer atm, and probably joining this community was a sign that I'm not done with my past... Probably I will never be done with it, it is there all the time... Well, the goal of this imaginary castle isn't erasing my memories, cause that's just impossible, although that's all I'm longing for, the goal is making peace with them and most of all making peace with myself... What I see as a huge goal I already achieved is what I already wrote done, I'm a survivor, not a victim, I think that best describes the change I've made...

Ok, I guess that's all for now... Thank you everybody who read until here, I really appreciate it...

Ok, today I'd like to talk about sth very important in my life... Todays check-in, the whole topic of child abuse stirred me up a lot, so I need to calm down, ground myself and there it is my number one grounding technique: Running!

I think I started running at a quite young age, not as a real sport, not as a child, back then it was just a running from everything, whenever I had the chance to get out of the house, at my father's house or at school, I ran until my lungs hurt. It was the only chance to calm my mind, to let go of all my pain, I even ran when my body hurt, when I physically wasn't able to run, somehow as soon as I stepped outside, felt the wind on my body, I just had to run... And well, I've been a very delicate boy, there hasn't been any fitting boy's sport for me... At school there was football, rugby, rowing or athletics, so the first three were impossible, so I became a runner... In my teens it became an obsession, I got up at 4am everyday and went for a 10km run, sometimes I went for another after class... Well, it became part of my anorexia, burning calories... Even if I've been barely able to walk without fainting, running was possible, it's unbelieveable what a body is able to achieve... But even at the zenith of my anorexia, running wasn't only part of it, it was like the only time of the day I've been free of everything, while running I didn't think of burned calories or the pain of my soul and mind, it was just running, nothing but a pounding heart, music in my ears and stamping feet, it was the only time of the day I felt alive...

And somehow it followed me, I overcame my ed, but the running stayed, not as obsessive as it was, luckily, but it's still a way to feel alive and free. When I'm running I'm suddenly not insecure at all, I don't care what I look like or if there are lots of other people. Normally I avoid crowded places, I don't use public transport, I'm always anxious about what others might think of me, but when I'm running I don't care if someone thinks I'm looking funny, if I'm too tiny, too skinny, too anything... I know I look different, I'm a guy, but I am tiny and skinny, I have long blond hair, I'm really girlish, most people think I'm a girl, but so what? When I'm running I'm totally ok with myself, I feel my body working, it's a very special way of sensing my body, the heart, the lungs, the feet... I am a runner, I am part of sth, I have the right to be there, I have a purpose, it's sth I am proud of...

But I can't talk about running without mentioning a bad experience... Well, about 4 years ago I've been assaulted in the park. Well, I'm still working on overcoming that, so I'll probably have to write about that some day, but now only the key fact, I've been assaulted by three men and injured quite badly, quite a lot of broken bones, a ruptured stomach and a brain bleeding leading to a stroke later on. So, it was quite close... I wasn't able to walk for over a year, I still have difficulties with my right leg and arm, sometimes it still gets numb, my stomach never really healed and for a long time only thinking of running was impossible for me. But the deep need inside of me stayed, not being able to run was like a part of me was missing, it was like being robbed of myself... But I fought myself back, I slowly started running on the treadmill and then one day I've been able to run outside... Well, because of my leg running looks a bit funny, and I'm not running alone anymore, not at night and not at that park, but still, I am a runner, my need to run always was deeper than any fear or any pain. And that's something nobody was ever able to destroy, I may be damaged, but not defeated.

@courteousNorth5140 this was actually crazy scary and i'm sorry for saying that but it was

sorry for what your dad did to you

Dear Henry

it has been 2 months

5 days

6 hours

since i last saw you. You dont call

text

email or come to me

you are in Texas

i am in Ohio with friends

family

dorm mates

but not you

you cant tell me how pretty i am

and i cant tell you how amazing you are

because you wont respond to me

i miss you

i love you

your gf

- Bridget

aka Jazz

@courteousNorth5140

i'm sorry i don't have the time to read your letter right now because its past 1 am

but i wanted to tell you, that i write my feelings as a story, because i'm shy of writing them directly, knowing that i'm not a writer and i'm writing only one long story putting all my beautiful feelings in it

so you may like the idea try it for yourself

you may would like to write the bad feelings or the good ones. in the end it may turn into a famous story with a huge success ^^

Dear little one,

Some of my most amazing memories, my happiest moments are connected with you. The first time you spoke to me, as you sat down next to me at the piano after our always so funny music therapy, this first try of a conversation, my bandaged arms somehow got your attention and you stated 'you are hurt'. I don't know if you really understood my answer, if you knew what I meant by 'just like you', perhaps you did, perhaps that's the reason why I somehow gained your trust... I'm still not completely convinced that I deserve that trust, but I'm grateful for it... I'd just like to know what's on your mind...

I know your memories are haunting you, I know you have to live with a nearly unbearable incredible pain, I wish I could just take that away from you, like this thing Dumbledore can do with his magic wand, put all the memories in the Pensieve, I wish I had such a magic wand... But I don't... Holding you all night when you just cry and cry and just can't find any words, that tears my hear apart... Seeing the fear in your eyes, but not knowing what triggered you... Feeling how you're fighting with yourself, against those inner voices telling you you don't deserve a bed to sleep, you don't deserve food, you don't deserve a bath, you don't deserve clothes... It breaks my heart when you lose the fight and I can't convince you to go to bed and have to let you keep sleeping on the floor and I hate it so much to sometimes force you to eat, but I have to...

Iam scared of every day, will it be a good day? Will it be a bad day? Will sth happen? Am I able to handle it? I just want you to be happy, just as happy as you are when you playing with your dinosaurs, building pillow mountains for them, telling them you'll protect them from the mean meteorit... I don't care that on paper you are too old for playing with dinosaurs and playmobils, I really don't, I don't care that you probably won't ever be a 'normal' adult, that you'll never grow up, you can be a child as long as you want... Those people, won't ever call them parents, those monsters, they stole your childhood, they stole your innocence, they stole your dignity, all I can do is give a bit of it back to you, make it a bit easier, let you be the child you couldn't be as a child... I wish I could tell you that I know what pictures are haunting you, they are haunting me too, hell, believe me, I wish I've never seen that, I won't never ever get those pictures out of my mind again, everybody warned me to watch it, but I thought I have to, to understand you better, but that was silly, it just hurt myself, those pictures are worse than my own nightmares... Knowing that, I just can't imagine how hard it must be for you, well, your actions show how hard it is, how you mangled your arms with teeth and nails, how you used any sharp thing around you to hurt yourself, this one time on the Isle as it was nearly too late... You can't imagine how it felt seeing you lying there, that was the most horrible moment of my life, my heart didn't only skip a beat, I think it stopped completely until you've been in hospital, alive and breathing...

I wish I could tell you that, all of that... But how chould I, without making you feel guilty for scaring me so much? I know you already know that things like that scared me, I know you already feel guilty whenever you see tears in my eyes cause I just can't anymore... I wish I could be better for you, more stable, stronger, without my own f*** up past... But as I watch you sleeping next to me, cuddled up with your plushy dinosaur, breathing calmly, a picture of innocence, I don't think there's anybody on this earth who could love you more, who could be more thankful for having you... You are my reason to live, even if every new day, every night scares me, you are the reason I get up anyways, you are my reason for being here, you are my purpose, you are my light, you are my everything... Seeing you like this, peaceful and content, that means everything to me, those are my moments of true happiness... And there are lots of moments like this, not only when you're asleep, when you are happily playing outside with B., laughing out loud, being free and just hilarous, when you get all excited whem you see a squirrel (I understand that, I get all excited too), when you get tired and become all cuddly and whiny, when you ask for a cookie or icecream and your eyes get wide and your smile gets bright when I of course say yes, when you're building sandcastles at the beach and dig huge ditches to protect it from the waves... I think that could be continued endlessly... What I want to say is, you're giving me so much joy and happiness, it weighs out all the fears, all the sorrows, all the darkness and all the pain... I happily take all of the bad to just see you smile...

Sleep well, my little one... May guardian angels watch your sleep and may the universe one day swallow all your pain...

@courteousNorth5140 Your childhood sounds quite rough, but it's great that despite all of the things you suffered you are still strong. Also, it's great that your family has such a loving individual.

The problem about those aching thoughts and memories is that nobody understands them, so I'm completely alone with them. But then again, if somebody understands them it means they have been at those darknplaces, too. And II don' want anybody to go through what I'm going through, I don't want anybody to feel that pain. So if somebody understands me, I'd wish they wouldn't. If nobody understands me, I'd wish somebody would.

Just senseless philosophical thoughts.... Needed to get that out...