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ruffneckred
57,439 M Confident Walk 4
PathStep 1,325 Compassion hearts3,160 Forum posts825 Forum upvotes734 Current upvotes734 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceOctober 18, 2017
Bio
I guess I consider myself as old, fat, sorry ass piece of crap... well old and fat for sure.... I think I have suffered childhood emotional neglect. Not neglect as in I had no supper, or someone abused me. It is not so much things done to my as things not done. Like I told I love you by parents, or good job... I fell in love with a girl when I should have run away. She is a wonderful person, everyone loves her. But 30 years later she has grown tired of me and I now see a side of her that is unattractive. She is very selfish, but yet very generous. It is hard to explain, For example, we are in a financial rough spot, we are spending more than income, but she still buys fast food, cigs, and wine. Since it is my income that is lacking (which is a new paradigm) she apparantly does not feel she should change. I pay about 80% of our bills (mortgage, utilities.,,) hoping she will buy food and supplies. So I eat ramens, she eats big macs. Oh and she has a boyfriend. Not a normally buy she met at Costco.... a random text message turned into a cyber affair. She has never met, never seen, fake name, fake pictures, dying of cancer.... makes me puke as I never thought she could be so ..... I lack the words.... But he makes her feel good. I guess I can't get her to close her eyes and pretend we are in a penthouse or on a beach like he can... Well I guess I could with a big difference, she opens her eyes to the problems and they all involve me. I think he is in prison and she is sort of brainwashed. Not sure if thsi is what I was supposed to write her but it felt good to say it.
Recent forum posts
Breathing Exercises
Healthy Living / by ruffneckred
Last post
 March 7th, 2019
...See more In the "path" portion of 7cups there is a regular task about deep breathing. Starts as a point, then line, triangle, square, on & on to octagon. Then the image reverses, the course it to breathe in while images build and breath out while they decrease. Maybe I have that backwards but effect is the same. No reference is given as to how long to do the task, I noticed that unless I focus, I only did it like 3 times and clicked done. So that past few days I started doing it in a manner of 10 breathes, I suspect my inability to pay attention is why I have to use a finger count to get to ten. A strange side effect is when I complete the task, I am light headed. I googled it and seems like it is normal as a beginner but also says that you are not creating enough carbon dioxide to get rid of, confusing a bit to me. My question is does anyone else have this phenomenon? It concerns me a bit as finding myself light headed seem to be an increasingly incurring issue. Note that my way off eating right now is low carb high fat caloric defeceit for losing 2 lbs per week. I try to exercise daily but not an extreme amount. I am 52, think I am sort of healthy but have reduced my weight from 300ish lbs to 200 lbs in last 10 months. Thanks for any input and guidance. Have a great day.
My wife is a narcissist.
Relationship Stress / by ruffneckred
Last post
 November 6th, 2018
...See more So.... I recently read this article. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2018/11/the-number-1-way-to-become-less-vulnerable-to-narcissists-and-sociopaths/ It is by a doctor leading the field of Childhood Emotional Neglect, Dr. Jonice Webb. I do believe I have been molded in a negative way due to this phenonmon. Please note everyone seems to be effected, but it is the totally amount / critical times / critical situations that determine whether the lastin effect needs addressing. So back to the article, I see many characteristics of a narcissist in my wife, but if I were to tell her that, well it would not be recieved well, and likely twisted against me. Note that she is "done with" our relationship yet seems to think nothing of staying in our home and letting me pair the lion's share of the expenses. I know, bad on me. If I were to tell anyone she is narcissistic, I would be laughed out of the room. She is well loved, admired, the center of all attention.... So what is my beef, why don't I run from this person that is toxic to me? well call me old fashioned but I am in love, I am in a committed relationship, and I don't give up so easily. Note that our issues do not get worked on, which is a sticking point with me. I don't discard things at the first sign of problems or attempt to make repairs... But the bigger reason is our kids, now they are not children, 19 & 17.... but my relationship with them is strained and so I take the existing conditions in hope that I can solidify those relationships prior to disengaging from my toxic wife. A small concern but a concern is financial. My wife cannot save a nicke if you nailed and glued it to her forehead. She will spend every cent on short term frivilous joy sustaining items, like wine instead of a water bill, etc. When things that highlighted the issue emerged I found our finances a mess, so I isolated my income, paid down some debts, etc. Basically got luck and saved us from disaster. Without my income she feels a wee bit of discomfort but apparently thinks nothing of utilizing her over generous parents to supplement her needs. They are not wealthy and from appearances could use the money on themselves, but that is thier business. As much as I cringe knowing that if I leave her, they will foot the bill, it is the possibility that she will charm our children into support her life choices. Which I believe to be morally and ethically wrong. So leaving her.... I need to, I know I should, but seems like it puts me further from the kids and unable to advise / help them. I feel the need to mention she "thinks" she is in a relationship with her soulmate, but it only exists on her phone with many red flags, including fake name, fake pictures, end stage cancer, blah blah blah.. The kids know, but are too self absorbed or needy to confront her, not to mention charmed by her. She also invited her super needy friend to move in and enable her. This is much longer than I planned, yet I left out so many details, but in ending, note that I am not a victim or a saint. I made many mistakes, I realize some things cannot be undone, but I do want to work forward. Trashing a 30+ year relationship is a difficult thing, especially when we tried nothing to fix it.... Have a great day.
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