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courteousNorth5140 March 25th, 2018

I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...

I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....

++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++

Dear father,

It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....

talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...

After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....

Your son

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

I'm in a weird calm thinking mood today, can't really focus, it's like thoughts just flowing around me and it's hard to catch them... But there are actually some quite valueable thoughts... I might write more later, when I catch another one...

Right now I've been thinking about friendship, more precisely about all of you here... We don't know each other, IRL, but I'm thinking about if there's even a difference... I mean, sure, we can't meet for a coffee or anything like that, yet, I'm often having a coffee with you... Sure, we can't really give each other a hug, but still I feel better when one of you sends me a hug... You ARE with me, IRL, even if you're all just a nickname with a story... Hm, some time ago, as I've been typing on my tablet, my little one asked me what I'm doing and I told him I'm talking to a friend... He thought about it and continued reading... A little later he asked me what's the name of the friend and I told him I don't know her real name, only a nickname and that's CalmLake... He thought about it again and said, I like that name, better than a boring normal name... A few days later the same happened and I through the last weeks I told him all your names... So, he likes PerfectStorm, although he doesn't really know how a storm can be perfect, he decided a perfect storm is when it blows the clouds away... He laughed like crazy about CaloenasNicobarica, said it about 10 times in a row and of course we had to look for a picture of the little pigeon, he stated this pigeon is much nicer than the ones we have here... He thought about Wizeakre for a long time, then he shrugged and said Dumbeldore is really wise... His eyes started to glance as he heard PurpleWest and he grinned and just said I really like purple... About SingerCrystalSpirit he had to think, he asked if that's a singer, I told him yes, he was happy with that answer, a minute later he asked if a crystal spirit is sth like a patronus, cause you can somehow look through it like through a crystal cry a spirit is a good ghost, so I said, yes, you can see it that way... The only name he didn't get was Raveninthelabrynth, cause he doesn't understand how a raven can be in a labyrinth, it can just fly away after all.... I think I told him sth like perhaps it's a raven with a broken wing and it can't fly, or it just likes to walk through a labyrinth... Well, none of you has to worry, I don't tell him anything else about you, he just wants to know what I'm doing when I'm typing on this tablet all the time... And he's just happy with just knowing your names... Why I'm telling you that, well, cause you are a part of my real life...

18 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Yeah, sure I forgot two 😐 my dear OnlyBlack, I told him you just like oooonly black and he was like ooooonly??? I said yes, only black, he thought about it and then stated that's fine. I like green. And wontwakewontsleep, he said the reminds him of when he has nightmares, cause then he's not awake but doesn't want to sleep either... I have such a philosophical little one πŸ˜‚

11 replies
PerfectStorm426 May 13th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 way cool,North. Way way cool. I can imagine the conversation. This made me smile a little. Thank you.

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426

Oh yay 😊 I made you smile? Well, that made me tear up a bit πŸ˜‚ but well, my littel one sometimes gives me completely different sights, he has this amazingly honest way to look at things, his feelings are just so pure... Btw about my name he said, hm, ok, I guess you are courteous πŸ˜‚ as if there is a question about it πŸ˜‚

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CaloenasNicobarica May 13th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 @PerfectStorm426

Tha's freakin' adorable! I feel honored. His logic makes sense, though. About a lot of our usernames. XD Is this the little one that reads Sherlock Holmes? He must be picking up on that deduction and all. Absolutely love his description of what a perfect storm could be. lol It's nice! Makes a lot of sense. Got this image of Ninja Storm-sensei in beatnik clothing snapping his fingers with a television on in the background displaying the definition your son mentioned.

8 replies
PerfectStorm426 May 13th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica i could pull that look off quite easily. Got the gaotee and a set of oakleys that could play that part. Just need the hat jack!

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CaloenasNicobarica May 13th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426

Hahah! Awesome. Your name's gonna get longer again. Ninja Storm-sensei Daddy O.

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 14th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica @perfectStorm426

Oh hell, I should totally tell my little one that the perfect storm actually is a ninja πŸ˜‚ I can imagine his eyes going wide and his imagination going through the rooftop... Sometimes it's like I can see his train of thoughts on his face and would be sth like storm+clouds+ninja(turtles+flying)=sth like batman+iron man πŸ˜‚ there you go Storm 😝 just a username and a story?

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426

Oh hell, I have a really really funny picture on my mind πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica

πŸ˜‚ Oh yeah, that's a great picture... And yes, he loves Sherlock Holmes and Harry Potter, along with a lot of other books, but those are his favourites 😊

3 replies
CaloenasNicobarica May 13th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

He has good taste in literature! So is Wize effectively the Headmaster of Hogwarts now?

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 13th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica

πŸ˜‚ Yeah, obviously, our wise headmaster... Perhaps the beard is a bit shorter, but except that it's quite precisely 😊 all the wisdom she shares with all of us all the time and she magical created our blanket fort 😊 I really love the imagination of my little one, he's seeing the world through the eyes of a child and somehow I'm sometimes even happy that he'll stay like this... Never grow up- it's a trap 😊

wontwakewontsleep May 14th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica @courteousnorth5140 @wizakre - Absolutely, Wise is the headmaster. Love it.

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wontwakewontsleep May 14th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - This is really touching. You have such a good relationship with your little one. They are a very clever person with very astute observations haha. I love their takes on all the names, very touching.

One of my first few months here at 7cups, someone told me to just pretend people I met here were sitting with me, just make-believe it, because they are sitting with me in spirit. And that always struck me as this strange, beautiful option, like I didn't even think of that before someone suggested it to me, and now I imagine various people I have met on this site and elsewhere are sitting with me pretty frequently and it's nice. I know it's just in my head, but I also know that if given the opportunity, I'm sure we would all love a good sit-in where we just awkwardly share the same space for a minute in complete support of each other.

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP May 14th, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

Yeah, we have a very special bond and he's just amazing 😊 the one who suffer the most sometimes seem to be the greatest people... Seeing that here a lot too...

And yes, I really imagine you all being with me, at the beginning that really scared me, like, hell, I don't want anybody to be with me, I don't want to be so close to anybody... But hell, it's an amazing feeling, having this bunch of people behind me... I still struggle a lot with believing this is for real, you all really like me? Hell, wtf, really? πŸ˜‚ But I'm starting to accept it, cause I really like all of you, so why shouldn't you return that feeling? 😊 And well, irl I'm the same, I'm still just stunned that my man really seems to love me, after 8 years! So yeah, I'm an insecure person, but you all mean a lot to me and you're helping me a lot to find my inner self πŸ’•

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calmLake1999 May 14th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

That is so sweet, I'm honored that you would mention me in offscreen life, warms my heart to hear of the observations madeπŸ’– thank you for sharing. And your thoughts on friendship, I am closer to you guys than I ever thought was possible for me. I have learnt to trust again and that is something I didn't think possible. So thank you to you and everyone else πŸ’–

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 14th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Oh Calm *hugs* right now I really think all of you would need such a little one by your side, or I should really share his sight on the world more often... Hm, like what I'm told you about my thoughts about your name, that you are my calm thought, that was originally his thought... Well, I guess I said sth like Calm is sad atm, so I'm talking to her to make her feel better.. and he was like, how can she be sad? She only has to think of her name to feel better... I told him, unfortunately it isn't that easy, and he said, I feel better when I think of your name, cause it sounds so happy (doesn't make much sense without knowing my name πŸ˜‚) well, his sight on on things is sometimes so simple, but somehow, well, we're seeing everything way too complicated... For him it's just I don't want that- I don't do it... I like that- I do it... He doesn't care if his pants with the dinosaurs are from the girl's departement, he loves dinosaurs, so he wears the pants... He doesn't care if he's too old for playmobil, he loves it, so he playes with it... And my feelings about the friendship to all of you is simple like that, I don't care if you're only a username, I love you, so I'm here with you πŸ’•

1 reply
calmLake1999 May 14th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Aww that is really sweet, I wish I could look at my name and feel happy . The insights of a child are so precious and so unclouded. My name here is very ironic but I have hope that I will find that Calm soon. Love ya 2 North and thanks for being here even though I'm a pain πŸ’–

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 14th, 2018

I'm still in this weird calm philosophical mood, perhaps that's my true self? But somehow I'm waiting for it to be over, like hell, no that can't be me! Buuuut, long time ago I actually tried to study sth, physics and philosophy πŸ˜‚ don't know what's funnier, physics or philosophy... Well, I think I went to university like 5 times in half a year, then I gave up on it, well, back then my mind was occupied by other things, you could say, oh well, whatever, not going to trigger anybody here, but well, 15 years ago my mind never really was clear... Buuut, perhaps the idea of studying philosophy perhaps wasn't that wrong, probably I had a clear moment, physics is ridiculous, cause I really fail at such logical things... Ok, so right now I'm debating with myself wether I should go to the park or not, the weather is quite nice and I somehow have the need of being outside, to connect with nature, well, at least the nature of a park inside a noisy chaotic city πŸ˜‚ not really the wild nature I'd love to be in, but well, gotta work with what I have... But the problem is, I'm alone at home, well, little one and his his teacher are here, but they are doing their lessons... So, I don't think I can or should go alone... And that somehow gives me the feeling of being caged here and that somehow makes me panic, cause well, I remember what it was like to look out of a little window, seeing the green outside, the horses in the paddock, the sunshine, but not being able to be there... And now, I'm fighting so hard to leave that little boy behind, but somehow sometimes I'm still the same, the only difference is that now I'm caging myself, I locked up my door and threw away the key myself... I just would like to go outside without fear... I loved that park so much, really, I felt so grateful for living exactly here, with this awesome place just around the corner, I even loved all the crowds of people there, cause everybody seemed to be so happy, just being there, being outside, having this oasis in the middle of chaos... Like being inside the eye of a hurricane, the edges are pure chaos, but in the middle it's calm and peaceful... And it's just like everybody has the right to be there, runners, cyclists, walkers, riders, people just sitting on the meadows or on benches, even the nerve wrecking tourists with their cameras πŸ˜‚ this was my place, my calm place, my shelter and that's just the worst, that this has been taken away from me... I don't see see happy people anymore, I see potential danger everywhere, I don't see calming trees, I see the bushes beneath, I see hiding spots, I see how nobody notices anybody else but themselves, I see how others are faster and stronger... And I just hate feeling like that! Hell, how did I get here? Weird train of thoughts, but well, my heart is speaking here... So, should I gather all my courage and just go outside? Could just take a different route, down to another park, nothing bad happened there... And well, it was only a coincidence, that probably won't happen ever again, right? But well, if it happened once it could happen again... But even if, hm, would that make a difference? A few days ago, as I've been outside with my therapist I saw this really nice salamander figurine in a shop, hm, but I've been too scared to go inside... I could do that now... Could I? I wish I could pray... I wish I would have any gods watching over me... You see, philosophy.... I could just wait for my man to come back and ask him to go there with me... But, I don't want to ask... Ok, I'll do that now, right now, only have to get dressed, I'll go there and get that damned salamander or lizard or whatever it is... If I don't post a picture of it later I failed... I need a bit of pressure πŸ˜‚ taking you all with me... Damn it!

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 16th, 2018

How am I feeling today? I have noooo idea... I'm still in a quite ok mood, but there are too many thoughts on my mind, it's like, actually I'm fine, but then there are these thoughts like flashes and they just rush through my mind and then they are gone again... But what they leave behind is some kind of nervousness, my heart is beating faster, and well, they leave some kind of sadness behind... Something doesn't feel right...

Ok, so today my therapist visited me again, at 9am, like honestly?? So, he forced me to take a shower, and have some breakfast, well, for my taste that would have been enough behaviour therapy for one day... But noooo, of course we had to go outside... He thought it might be a funny idea to go to the supermarket, and not to the nice little supermarket around the corner or to the deli down the street, no, we had to go to the big supermarket at the big mall with a 20 minute drive through the city.... my boys must have been on board, cause they wrote a shopping list... I guess tht's sth I really don't like, when people talk about me behind my back, no matter if good or bad... Well, not the first time I'm thinking about if my therapist/boss/friend mix is really helping... Hmm, but don't like changes and don't want to tell anybod everything again and don't want such a typical therapist kind of therapist... I'll go on later...

courteousNorth5140 OP May 20th, 2018

Poor diary, probably feeling really neglected... But well, don't have anything to say I guess... Just want to go back to bed and hide... Perhaps even under the bed... But well, gotta be all adulty and happy smiley, cause my little one just feels all the bad vibes... I just had a three week break and I feel like I already need another break... No idea how to convince my therapist/boss of me being totally ok, probably shouldn't, but can't face the consequences of not being ok either... Had a thought this weekend, but don't know if I have the strength of really doing it, feeling way too stupid, but well, can't go on with this thing called life like that either... Two thoughts... Could move out of the city, somewhere with a bit of a calmer surrounding, but leaving my home is a frightening thought, little one hates changes even more than me, the way to work for everybody would be so difficult, we'd need like 4 cars, or endless time on public transport, or new jobs for 4 people... So somehow too much... Second thought, trying to study again, at home, like online or sth like that... Problem is, the only interesting thing I can think of is psychology and hm, well... No idea...

2 replies
calmLake1999 May 20th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

I think you'd be great in psychology you are very compassionate and caring person, which is just what the world of psychology needs.. change is scary and I hope you find a solution soon *hugs* πŸ’– you are awesome North!

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP May 20th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thanks Calm πŸ™‚ well, I'll figure that out somehow, don't worry 😊 *hugs*

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 22nd, 2018

A few times a day I'm sitting in front of this blank 'new post' form and end up deleting what I wrote or just closing it again... I need to order my thoughts and feelings somehow... But I can't... I can't concentrate, there are just no words... I just know sth has to change, inside of me or in my life, I have no idea... Little one is back at being aggressive, thought we're over that, well, nope... Just can't handle that... And that's it, that's all... I'll leave this thing here alone...

1 reply
PerfectStorm426 May 22nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 stay strong. Do what you can. Remember your core power. I know that getting back to the daily grind is tough. Try to not let things chew on you that do not matter in the moment.

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calmLake1999 May 25th, 2018

Hi North just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, I'm sorry if I caused anything and thank you so much for being here for me, sending you lots of love πŸ’–

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 25th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thank you Calm, really thank you so much, trying hard to not tear up right now, cause just have put on mascara 😝 what you wrote in the fort means a lot to me, I've been doubting myself a lot the last days... And I just want you to know that I didn't get quiet because of you, I just need some time to sort out my thoughts... I'm thinking of you Calm and I know you will go through this, I just know you will *hugs* πŸ’•πŸ’–

5 replies
calmLake1999 May 25th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Oh please don't doubt yourself, you did the right thing, kinda my hero now 😊 no crying though you don't want your mascara to run 😝 *hugs*

4 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP May 25th, 2018

@calmLake1999

aww Calm *hugs* I donβ€˜t feel like anything close to a hero, there are truely more heroic people here, you for example or another very dear person who doesnt like hearing that either πŸ˜‰

Iβ€˜ll be around Calm *hugs*

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 26th, 2018

Dear me,
I know you are really confused and overwhelmed right now, that's ok, you've been there before, actually it seems like you're always a bit confused and easily overwhelmed, so that's sth you're living with for a long time already and actiually you know how to solve that. No, not with these silly coping strategies you used in your younger even sillier years, forget about that, it was ok back then, you didn't have anything to loose, but now you have a lot to loose, so, no, forget about it, wouldn't make anything better... you just have to make the decisions you're thinking about for so long and some things you just have to let go, some things you just have to accept...
So decisions you have to make are, what to do with your life... And no, you're not to old to start sth new... Well, I wouldn't say I'm hundred percent sure you aren't too dumb for learning sth new, but you won't find out without trying. And fact is, actually you know what you want, all you have to do is to jump... And hey, you always say the only fear you don't have is the fear of heights, so just jump... If you find it you can't do it, you don't like it or whatever, then just stop it again, find sth new, go back to the old... But just fill out this damned form and apply... We'll see about the rest...
Another decision you have to make is this living situation... What about this pro and contra list you made some time ago? Probably you just threw it away in an outburst of anger, silly boy... Make a new one... And for once, just try to think of yourself, not of the others and hell, they already where totally in on the plan of moving out! What kept you from doing it? Yeah ok, little one doesn't like changes... Make the changes easy for him, he'll have a bigger room, he'll have a garden, damn it, he even could have a rabbit in the garden or a cat or whatever he likes... Ok, silly thought of me right now, why not moving out a bit further? Why not moving away completely? You could have horses ;) ok, sorry, now I'm confusing you even more... Forget about horses... But well, why not? Yeah, cause work and all.... Ehm.... What about not working? Naah, ok, forget about it, just thinking a bit here... Oh but well, doctors are needed in the countryside as well, even more I guess... Programmers can work everywhere, there is this thing called internet, works pretty well everywhere.... Don't know about the police, but I guess they even have policemen in the countryside too... What about Scotland? Yeah, more confusion, sorry, you have to go through this now... So there is this cottage, you know which one I'm talking about... There's the sea, there are horses, the city isn't far away, and it's Scotland! Just think of the accent! And you could vote there :D ok, that's a silly reason, ok, the Scotland idea just died, rest in peace Scotland, I'll come back to you later, cause you know, you'll never get that out of your head completely, I know you.... So, back to just buying a house outside of this noisy, dirty, overcrowded, overwhelming, beautiful, wonderful city you're calling your home for so long... Damn it! Ok, what about not selling the flat? Naaah, that's silly, you'd have to leave all your things here, your lovely new hemnes and the tremedously comfortable bed.... So, ok, sell the flat.... No, you could just let it, damn it, you could live from that.... So, problem solved, let the flat and make your living with that money, no jobs needed.... Bad idea? Ok..... Well, why haven't you bought that house? The one you all agreed on, the one you all liked, the one you've been already putting furniture in on your mind... Was it really because of little ones bad conditions? Do you really want to move? Is it really the city overwhelming you? Or are you perhaps overwhelming yourself? Are you perhaps just unhappy with your life and not with the living situation? Would it perhaps just be a flight from yourself? You want to stay right here, right? You love your home, you love watching the people outside, you love living here, you love the park, nope, forget about arguing and whining about 'but I can't go to the park, I can't go outside, there are people everywhere' pull yourself together, what happened has happened, will happen again, won't happen again, nobody knows, just accept the fact, you need to go outside! You're losing your miiiind heeeere! Ok, decision made, going to stay right here, in your home, cause this is what you want and what you love.... Was that really so difficult?
Ok, things you have to let go and accept... Your past... That's it... Let it go, accept it, it happened, it was like that, there's no answer to the question why it happened, why it was like that, it simply is a fact and you can't change it... Hah! Just solved it! Ok, done with the past... No? Damn it.... Ok, giving you another thing you have to accept... Your little one... He is like that, he will always be like that, he'll have good times, bad times, worse times and horrible times, just like you silly... Sometimes your mood collide, sometimes all of your moods collide, that's called life, that's called a family, that's how it is... But you'll always be there for him, no matter how hard it is, no matter how hard he's pushing you away... I mean, do you really mind a few more scratches? I think that's a small price for seeing him happily play with his dinosaurs on the floor... You know he loves you, even if he can't show it right now... And there's just no way you going to put him in one of those homes, not even a decision to make here, just not going to happen, no matter what anybody else says...
And then, dear me, we have to really talk about sth else... What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously! You have an awesome man by your side, why the hell are you pushing him away all of the sudden? Is this your new way of harmin yourself? By just not being touched anymore, by not letting you be loved anymore? Yeees, I'm talking about the three letter word with an x on the end... Oh forget about your body, he saw your body in way worse conditions, still loved you... And forget about the similarities between past events and the things you do with your man, damn it, two pairs of shoe, you know that, so, just let it go.... Yes, I'm serious here, let it go and go back to be who you are... Oh and that leads me to sth else... What about the running? When wasnyour last run? Three weeks ago? What the hell?? Go running! Take somebody with you, you don't have to go alone, but you love running, you need this, this is you, you are a runner... So just don't let anything keep you from being who you are... Make baby steps, go for a little run, take breaks, walk a bit in between, enjoy the nature, enjoy the birds singing, enjoy the music in your ears, the pounding of your heart... Just try it, just go for it, just once, if you don't like it, it's ok, you din't have to go again, you don't have to run daily, you don't have to train like a maniac, just try it again, see how it feels....
Ok, dear me, I think that's enough for now... I know that was a lot... Just try to calm down a bit, just try to open up a bit, you know you have people around you, here and there, talk to them, I promise, they don't mind, they won't push you away, the won't laugh at you, and if, then they aren't the right people... Everything will be ok....
Me

courteousNorth5140 OP May 26th, 2018

Dear reasonable me...
Ok, so I had some time to think about your letter... You are right about some things, especially about the decisions I have to make... So yeah, I guess I don't want to move away right now, the changes would be too much for me right now... And yes, I should just apply for that damned study and try it, so yeah, I just have to jump... I'm scared of it like hell, I'm scared of being too dumb, I'm scared of it being the wrong discipline for me, yeah, I'm just scared of failing... Well, that's natural, isn't it? Well, I never really accomplished anything, I'm uneducated I guess, so yeah... But still, you are right, I think I just have to try it... But I really don't want to quit my job, perhaps cut down the hours a bit, but I can't quit my job for that, I can work and study, so well, I don't know, does that make sense? I guess I'm not making any sense...
Ok, what else? You were right about little one, I agree with you there, no way I'm going to put him in one of those homes, so yeah... Today was kind of ok, been shopping with him alone for a few hours and he had only a few little outbursts, nothing too serious, and he had some fun between the outbursts, so I guess that was ok...
The running thing, hm, well, yeah, I know you are right, I should go running again, I just don't feel safe enough, not about being outside and not about myself, no idea why that hits me so badly atm... I guess I'm just overwhelmed by everything and yes, I know I should use this one healthy coping strategy I have to ease all of this a bit, but it's a trigger itself, so.... But I promise to try, as soon as my leg has a good day...
And then the other topic, well, seriously, I have no idea, I just can't... I know he loves me and I love him, but I just can't... There is no logical reason for it and I can't talk to him about it, well, sometimes I think he already forgot about it, that there once was sth physical, there's a really loud voice telling me he might be happy about it... I have no idea...
I'm sorry, I'd love to be more like you all the time, but well, that's me I guess...
Silly Me

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 27th, 2018

Ok you damned reasonable me, followed your advice, can you even call it advice when I'm only talking to myself? Who cares... Nope, not going to happen, not accepting any kind of touch, I'm out of this, don't want it, can't do it, I'm just done... What a great idea, talking to myself, out of that too... That's just ridiculous

2 replies
purpleWest8143 May 28th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 I'm holding myself back from apologizing for my lack of presence lately. I want to send you some hugs this morning (It's morning still here) I hope you get out for a run soon as I know you'll feel great after ( I haven't gotten myself out to yoga lately either ). I hope that being able to hash out some of your thoughts on here helps you find some clarity through it or at the least slow down the "whirlwind" as I like to refer to mine at times ; ) . Thank you for being you, for your support and care for others. My Psychologist was telling me the other week - sometimes we just have have to start taking risks. I'm not sure if this speaks to you at all. Education and schooling are scary and overwhelming prospects but wow.... knowledge and education are so empowering. Think of all the wonderful things you could give back to others with learning even more....... That being said, You already do give a lot and DON't need further education to do this ; ) you'll figure out what the right choice is for you. Love you friend.

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 28th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Hey West 😊 no need for any apologies, haven't been very active lately either... Thank you very much for your words, I guess, yes, you're right, or your psychologist is right, sometimes you have to take risks in order to get or find out what you want... Well, this whole idea of studying, hm, I guess I've been pushing that away for a long time, always wanted to study, but there was always sth else more important, sth happened, I couldn't, well, it was just impossible, or I told myself it is impossible... Actually I'm just scared of failing, that's all... Well, I'm really quite uneducated, I only just passed school, but never finished learning a job or any kind of study and well, I'm not a good learner, guess never really did it... Hm, I might have a little insight to the whole psychological field, but it's nothing I really know... And things like statistics, hell πŸ˜‚ but well, I still think I should just try, don't have anything to loose if I try and if I fail, well, then I can just put the whole topic of studying behind me...

I know you're having a hard time yourself, well, I'm reading your posts, and I'm sorry that I don't have anything useful to say... All I can say is that I think you are an amazingly strong and mature person, you are reasonable and determined and still you're caring for others, even if in your world there's chaos too... Love ya too West *hugs* πŸ’•

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courteousNorth5140 OP June 1st, 2018

***TRIGGER WARNING*** for real guys, I don't want anybody to read this just cause they think they somehow have to, nobody has to read this, nobody, not even the people who know me here... This is about sth I've been bottling up for 4 years, there is exactly one person on earth I told about it, the people living with me know about it, but I never told them, there's a difference between being told sth and just knowing sth due to the circumstances... I'm trying to start a new chapter in my life, trying to see things differently, trying to learn, to be more open and this is sth that doesn't belong to this new chapter, so I have to get it out of my system.... I'm already second-guessing it the longer I'm writing on this, but it's already there, just have to bring myself to push the post button.... Ok, so putting on another

TRIGGER WARNING please don't read any further if you feel like not being able to handle display of violence and it's aftermaths...

***************************************************************************************

Dear guys from the park,
I don't know your names, so I can only call you those guys... I don't know if any of you remember me, remember that evening at the park, perhaps you do, perhaps you're still proud of yourself, perhaps you're ashamed of it, perhaps you're talking about it with each other, patting your shoulders 'do you remember that one evening? Do you remember this 'girl' what turned out being a boy?' I have no idea and I will never know... All I know is that I remember you, all of you, I remember your eyes, how you looked at me, this confusion and disgust, this expression of victory you had in your eyes, this frightening expression of ferocity and bloodiness... All I know is that you confused me for a girl, I don't remember your words, but as you looked down at me as you found out that I'm just a skinny guy with long hair, well, it was obvious that you've been quite upset about getting the wrong... So was beating me up an expression of your frustration? I guess it was sth like that, you wanted sth different, you wanted a cute little girl and you got a freaky girlish guy... So I understand your frustration, logically seen... And I've been beaten up before... This was different, perhaps cause there were three of you, perhaps cause I've already been on the ground, perhaps cause I saw that in your eyes, perhaps cause I actually tried to protect myself, trying to get up, trying to roll away, trying to fight back, trying to bite and scratch, trying to scream... I lost my sense of time I guess, so I have no idea how long it took the first one of you to figure out how to get what you wanted in the first place... I don't really remember how long it took you to take your turns on me, I don't remember when I gave up fighting and just let it happen... I know I scratched one of you quite badly on the arm as you wanted to push my head down... I know I bit one of you in the neck as you pinned my arms to the ground... I know I kicked around me, I know I fought, and I'm not used to fighting, so guess it wasn't that effective, just made you become more furious and brutal... So you went back to just beating me up, kicking me until I couldn't do anything else but wait til it's over... And then it was over, I nearly passed out again, but I've been awake, just couldn't move anymore, but I heard one of you say sth like "guess it's dead"... IT.... You couldn't even admit that I'm a guy... I've just been IT for you, nothing human, nothing at all, just a piece of s***....
I passed out as you've been gone, and no, I'm not dead... Perhaps afterwards you searched the newspaper for a notice of a dead body found in the park, perhaps you got startled by police cars passing you, I hope it scared the shit out of you... But no, not dead, I found my phone and called my man, oh yeah, guess what, I have a man who loves me, I know for you that's probably a disgusting notion... I don't remember him finding me, the phone call is the last thing I remember, I woke up in hospital 2 days later...
Probably you don't want to know about the effects your attack had, probably you don't care, you didn't care about killing me, so... But still telling you... Broken bones, yeah sure, zygomatic bone, clavicle, the right hand was completely shattered, ribs, the right ankle was the worst... Quite severe brain bleeding... A ruptured stomach... Had some surgeries, one was so bad I had a stroke during it... The only advantage of being paralyzed on one side was that I didn't feel the pain in my foot and my hand... 1/3 of my stomach got removed... My left kidney was ruptured and got removed... The ureters were shredded...
So what happened afterwards? First things first, you got reported, obviously didn't help, but still, who knows, they have your dna... I've been at hospital for over 3 months, I had a PEG for over a year, it took me two years to learn walking again, I wasn't able to speak properly or hold a pen for more than half a year.... And now? Well, still walking kind of funny, my right hand never really healed, same goes for the ankle, having migraines quite often, my digestion and eating is totally f*** up, it's hard to concentrate, I'm slighlty incontinent... And that's only the physical part of it...
The mentally side is another topic, I am scared of going outside, I'm scared of people, I can't go to that park anymore, running sometimes is completely impossible and that's sth what really feels like a part of myself has been taken away from me, I even nearly destroyed my love for my favourite band, cause that's what I've been listening to before the attack, for quite a long time I couldn't even have a ponytail, cause the feeling of my hair tickling my neck reminded me of it, my memory is pretty much f*** up, some words are just missing, sometimes I can't be touched at all, not even by my man, not even holding hands, you made me doubt myself, everything I've been fighting for in my life, everything I believed in, everything I ever achieved has been destroyed...
But you know what? Here it comes, I refuse to be destroyed! I'm not destroyed, perhaps damaged a bit, perhaps a bit broken, but not shattered... I don't know you, so I won't find an answer to this everlasting why, I won't get an explanation or even an apology and I don't want or need any, bad things happen even to good people, that's just life... I know that I have the ability to stand up again, perhaps it will take another 4 years or 8 or 12, but I will stand up again, you didn't destroy me, you only scratched on the surface... I refuse to be destroyed!
North

3 replies
purpleWest8143 June 2nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 wow North I

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP June 2nd, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Thank you, West... Love ya, too πŸ’•

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