Letters

I'm in a weird calm thinking mood today, can't really focus, it's like thoughts just flowing around me and it's hard to catch them... But there are actually some quite valueable thoughts... I might write more later, when I catch another one...

Right now I've been thinking about friendship, more precisely about all of you here... We don't know each other, IRL, but I'm thinking about if there's even a difference... I mean, sure, we can't meet for a coffee or anything like that, yet, I'm often having a coffee with you... Sure, we can't really give each other a hug, but still I feel better when one of you sends me a hug... You ARE with me, IRL, even if you're all just a nickname with a story... Hm, some time ago, as I've been typing on my tablet, my little one asked me what I'm doing and I told him I'm talking to a friend... He thought about it and continued reading... A little later he asked me what's the name of the friend and I told him I don't know her real name, only a nickname and that's CalmLake... He thought about it again and said, I like that name, better than a boring normal name... A few days later the same happened and I through the last weeks I told him all your names... So, he likes PerfectStorm, although he doesn't really know how a storm can be perfect, he decided a perfect storm is when it blows the clouds away... He laughed like crazy about CaloenasNicobarica, said it about 10 times in a row and of course we had to look for a picture of the little pigeon, he stated this pigeon is much nicer than the ones we have here... He thought about Wizeakre for a long time, then he shrugged and said Dumbeldore is really wise... His eyes started to glance as he heard PurpleWest and he grinned and just said I really like purple... About SingerCrystalSpirit he had to think, he asked if that's a singer, I told him yes, he was happy with that answer, a minute later he asked if a crystal spirit is sth like a patronus, cause you can somehow look through it like through a crystal cry a spirit is a good ghost, so I said, yes, you can see it that way... The only name he didn't get was Raveninthelabrynth, cause he doesn't understand how a raven can be in a labyrinth, it can just fly away after all.... I think I told him sth like perhaps it's a raven with a broken wing and it can't fly, or it just likes to walk through a labyrinth... Well, none of you has to worry, I don't tell him anything else about you, he just wants to know what I'm doing when I'm typing on this tablet all the time... And he's just happy with just knowing your names... Why I'm telling you that, well, cause you are a part of my real life...

I'm still in this weird calm philosophical mood, perhaps that's my true self? But somehow I'm waiting for it to be over, like hell, no that can't be me! Buuuut, long time ago I actually tried to study sth, physics and philosophy 😂 don't know what's funnier, physics or philosophy... Well, I think I went to university like 5 times in half a year, then I gave up on it, well, back then my mind was occupied by other things, you could say, oh well, whatever, not going to trigger anybody here, but well, 15 years ago my mind never really was clear... Buuut, perhaps the idea of studying philosophy perhaps wasn't that wrong, probably I had a clear moment, physics is ridiculous, cause I really fail at such logical things... Ok, so right now I'm debating with myself wether I should go to the park or not, the weather is quite nice and I somehow have the need of being outside, to connect with nature, well, at least the nature of a park inside a noisy chaotic city 😂 not really the wild nature I'd love to be in, but well, gotta work with what I have... But the problem is, I'm alone at home, well, little one and his his teacher are here, but they are doing their lessons... So, I don't think I can or should go alone... And that somehow gives me the feeling of being caged here and that somehow makes me panic, cause well, I remember what it was like to look out of a little window, seeing the green outside, the horses in the paddock, the sunshine, but not being able to be there... And now, I'm fighting so hard to leave that little boy behind, but somehow sometimes I'm still the same, the only difference is that now I'm caging myself, I locked up my door and threw away the key myself... I just would like to go outside without fear... I loved that park so much, really, I felt so grateful for living exactly here, with this awesome place just around the corner, I even loved all the crowds of people there, cause everybody seemed to be so happy, just being there, being outside, having this oasis in the middle of chaos... Like being inside the eye of a hurricane, the edges are pure chaos, but in the middle it's calm and peaceful... And it's just like everybody has the right to be there, runners, cyclists, walkers, riders, people just sitting on the meadows or on benches, even the nerve wrecking tourists with their cameras 😂 this was my place, my calm place, my shelter and that's just the worst, that this has been taken away from me... I don't see see happy people anymore, I see potential danger everywhere, I don't see calming trees, I see the bushes beneath, I see hiding spots, I see how nobody notices anybody else but themselves, I see how others are faster and stronger... And I just hate feeling like that! Hell, how did I get here? Weird train of thoughts, but well, my heart is speaking here... So, should I gather all my courage and just go outside? Could just take a different route, down to another park, nothing bad happened there... And well, it was only a coincidence, that probably won't happen ever again, right? But well, if it happened once it could happen again... But even if, hm, would that make a difference? A few days ago, as I've been outside with my therapist I saw this really nice salamander figurine in a shop, hm, but I've been too scared to go inside... I could do that now... Could I? I wish I could pray... I wish I would have any gods watching over me... You see, philosophy.... I could just wait for my man to come back and ask him to go there with me... But, I don't want to ask... Ok, I'll do that now, right now, only have to get dressed, I'll go there and get that damned salamander or lizard or whatever it is... If I don't post a picture of it later I failed... I need a bit of pressure 😂 taking you all with me... Damn it!

How am I feeling today? I have noooo idea... I'm still in a quite ok mood, but there are too many thoughts on my mind, it's like, actually I'm fine, but then there are these thoughts like flashes and they just rush through my mind and then they are gone again... But what they leave behind is some kind of nervousness, my heart is beating faster, and well, they leave some kind of sadness behind... Something doesn't feel right...

Ok, so today my therapist visited me again, at 9am, like honestly?? So, he forced me to take a shower, and have some breakfast, well, for my taste that would have been enough behaviour therapy for one day... But noooo, of course we had to go outside... He thought it might be a funny idea to go to the supermarket, and not to the nice little supermarket around the corner or to the deli down the street, no, we had to go to the big supermarket at the big mall with a 20 minute drive through the city.... my boys must have been on board, cause they wrote a shopping list... I guess tht's sth I really don't like, when people talk about me behind my back, no matter if good or bad... Well, not the first time I'm thinking about if my therapist/boss/friend mix is really helping... Hmm, but don't like changes and don't want to tell anybod everything again and don't want such a typical therapist kind of therapist... I'll go on later...

Poor diary, probably feeling really neglected... But well, don't have anything to say I guess... Just want to go back to bed and hide... Perhaps even under the bed... But well, gotta be all adulty and happy smiley, cause my little one just feels all the bad vibes... I just had a three week break and I feel like I already need another break... No idea how to convince my therapist/boss of me being totally ok, probably shouldn't, but can't face the consequences of not being ok either... Had a thought this weekend, but don't know if I have the strength of really doing it, feeling way too stupid, but well, can't go on with this thing called life like that either... Two thoughts... Could move out of the city, somewhere with a bit of a calmer surrounding, but leaving my home is a frightening thought, little one hates changes even more than me, the way to work for everybody would be so difficult, we'd need like 4 cars, or endless time on public transport, or new jobs for 4 people... So somehow too much... Second thought, trying to study again, at home, like online or sth like that... Problem is, the only interesting thing I can think of is psychology and hm, well... No idea...

A few times a day I'm sitting in front of this blank 'new post' form and end up deleting what I wrote or just closing it again... I need to order my thoughts and feelings somehow... But I can't... I can't concentrate, there are just no words... I just know sth has to change, inside of me or in my life, I have no idea... Little one is back at being aggressive, thought we're over that, well, nope... Just can't handle that... And that's it, that's all... I'll leave this thing here alone...

Hi North just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, I'm sorry if I caused anything and thank you so much for being here for me, sending you lots of love 💖

Dear me,
I know you are really confused and overwhelmed right now, that's ok, you've been there before, actually it seems like you're always a bit confused and easily overwhelmed, so that's sth you're living with for a long time already and actiually you know how to solve that. No, not with these silly coping strategies you used in your younger even sillier years, forget about that, it was ok back then, you didn't have anything to loose, but now you have a lot to loose, so, no, forget about it, wouldn't make anything better... you just have to make the decisions you're thinking about for so long and some things you just have to let go, some things you just have to accept...
So decisions you have to make are, what to do with your life... And no, you're not to old to start sth new... Well, I wouldn't say I'm hundred percent sure you aren't too dumb for learning sth new, but you won't find out without trying. And fact is, actually you know what you want, all you have to do is to jump... And hey, you always say the only fear you don't have is the fear of heights, so just jump... If you find it you can't do it, you don't like it or whatever, then just stop it again, find sth new, go back to the old... But just fill out this damned form and apply... We'll see about the rest...
Another decision you have to make is this living situation... What about this pro and contra list you made some time ago? Probably you just threw it away in an outburst of anger, silly boy... Make a new one... And for once, just try to think of yourself, not of the others and hell, they already where totally in on the plan of moving out! What kept you from doing it? Yeah ok, little one doesn't like changes... Make the changes easy for him, he'll have a bigger room, he'll have a garden, damn it, he even could have a rabbit in the garden or a cat or whatever he likes... Ok, silly thought of me right now, why not moving out a bit further? Why not moving away completely? You could have horses ;) ok, sorry, now I'm confusing you even more... Forget about horses... But well, why not? Yeah, cause work and all.... Ehm.... What about not working? Naah, ok, forget about it, just thinking a bit here... Oh but well, doctors are needed in the countryside as well, even more I guess... Programmers can work everywhere, there is this thing called internet, works pretty well everywhere.... Don't know about the police, but I guess they even have policemen in the countryside too... What about Scotland? Yeah, more confusion, sorry, you have to go through this now... So there is this cottage, you know which one I'm talking about... There's the sea, there are horses, the city isn't far away, and it's Scotland! Just think of the accent! And you could vote there :D ok, that's a silly reason, ok, the Scotland idea just died, rest in peace Scotland, I'll come back to you later, cause you know, you'll never get that out of your head completely, I know you.... So, back to just buying a house outside of this noisy, dirty, overcrowded, overwhelming, beautiful, wonderful city you're calling your home for so long... Damn it! Ok, what about not selling the flat? Naaah, that's silly, you'd have to leave all your things here, your lovely new hemnes and the tremedously comfortable bed.... So, ok, sell the flat.... No, you could just let it, damn it, you could live from that.... So, problem solved, let the flat and make your living with that money, no jobs needed.... Bad idea? Ok..... Well, why haven't you bought that house? The one you all agreed on, the one you all liked, the one you've been already putting furniture in on your mind... Was it really because of little ones bad conditions? Do you really want to move? Is it really the city overwhelming you? Or are you perhaps overwhelming yourself? Are you perhaps just unhappy with your life and not with the living situation? Would it perhaps just be a flight from yourself? You want to stay right here, right? You love your home, you love watching the people outside, you love living here, you love the park, nope, forget about arguing and whining about 'but I can't go to the park, I can't go outside, there are people everywhere' pull yourself together, what happened has happened, will happen again, won't happen again, nobody knows, just accept the fact, you need to go outside! You're losing your miiiind heeeere! Ok, decision made, going to stay right here, in your home, cause this is what you want and what you love.... Was that really so difficult?
Ok, things you have to let go and accept... Your past... That's it... Let it go, accept it, it happened, it was like that, there's no answer to the question why it happened, why it was like that, it simply is a fact and you can't change it... Hah! Just solved it! Ok, done with the past... No? Damn it.... Ok, giving you another thing you have to accept... Your little one... He is like that, he will always be like that, he'll have good times, bad times, worse times and horrible times, just like you silly... Sometimes your mood collide, sometimes all of your moods collide, that's called life, that's called a family, that's how it is... But you'll always be there for him, no matter how hard it is, no matter how hard he's pushing you away... I mean, do you really mind a few more scratches? I think that's a small price for seeing him happily play with his dinosaurs on the floor... You know he loves you, even if he can't show it right now... And there's just no way you going to put him in one of those homes, not even a decision to make here, just not going to happen, no matter what anybody else says...
And then, dear me, we have to really talk about sth else... What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously! You have an awesome man by your side, why the hell are you pushing him away all of the sudden? Is this your new way of harmin yourself? By just not being touched anymore, by not letting you be loved anymore? Yeees, I'm talking about the three letter word with an x on the end... Oh forget about your body, he saw your body in way worse conditions, still loved you... And forget about the similarities between past events and the things you do with your man, damn it, two pairs of shoe, you know that, so, just let it go.... Yes, I'm serious here, let it go and go back to be who you are... Oh and that leads me to sth else... What about the running? When wasnyour last run? Three weeks ago? What the hell?? Go running! Take somebody with you, you don't have to go alone, but you love running, you need this, this is you, you are a runner... So just don't let anything keep you from being who you are... Make baby steps, go for a little run, take breaks, walk a bit in between, enjoy the nature, enjoy the birds singing, enjoy the music in your ears, the pounding of your heart... Just try it, just go for it, just once, if you don't like it, it's ok, you din't have to go again, you don't have to run daily, you don't have to train like a maniac, just try it again, see how it feels....
Ok, dear me, I think that's enough for now... I know that was a lot... Just try to calm down a bit, just try to open up a bit, you know you have people around you, here and there, talk to them, I promise, they don't mind, they won't push you away, the won't laugh at you, and if, then they aren't the right people... Everything will be ok....
Me

Dear reasonable me...
Ok, so I had some time to think about your letter... You are right about some things, especially about the decisions I have to make... So yeah, I guess I don't want to move away right now, the changes would be too much for me right now... And yes, I should just apply for that damned study and try it, so yeah, I just have to jump... I'm scared of it like hell, I'm scared of being too dumb, I'm scared of it being the wrong discipline for me, yeah, I'm just scared of failing... Well, that's natural, isn't it? Well, I never really accomplished anything, I'm uneducated I guess, so yeah... But still, you are right, I think I just have to try it... But I really don't want to quit my job, perhaps cut down the hours a bit, but I can't quit my job for that, I can work and study, so well, I don't know, does that make sense? I guess I'm not making any sense...
Ok, what else? You were right about little one, I agree with you there, no way I'm going to put him in one of those homes, so yeah... Today was kind of ok, been shopping with him alone for a few hours and he had only a few little outbursts, nothing too serious, and he had some fun between the outbursts, so I guess that was ok...
The running thing, hm, well, yeah, I know you are right, I should go running again, I just don't feel safe enough, not about being outside and not about myself, no idea why that hits me so badly atm... I guess I'm just overwhelmed by everything and yes, I know I should use this one healthy coping strategy I have to ease all of this a bit, but it's a trigger itself, so.... But I promise to try, as soon as my leg has a good day...
And then the other topic, well, seriously, I have no idea, I just can't... I know he loves me and I love him, but I just can't... There is no logical reason for it and I can't talk to him about it, well, sometimes I think he already forgot about it, that there once was sth physical, there's a really loud voice telling me he might be happy about it... I have no idea...
I'm sorry, I'd love to be more like you all the time, but well, that's me I guess...
Silly Me

Ok you damned reasonable me, followed your advice, can you even call it advice when I'm only talking to myself? Who cares... Nope, not going to happen, not accepting any kind of touch, I'm out of this, don't want it, can't do it, I'm just done... What a great idea, talking to myself, out of that too... That's just ridiculous

***TRIGGER WARNING*** for real guys, I don't want anybody to read this just cause they think they somehow have to, nobody has to read this, nobody, not even the people who know me here... This is about sth I've been bottling up for 4 years, there is exactly one person on earth I told about it, the people living with me know about it, but I never told them, there's a difference between being told sth and just knowing sth due to the circumstances... I'm trying to start a new chapter in my life, trying to see things differently, trying to learn, to be more open and this is sth that doesn't belong to this new chapter, so I have to get it out of my system.... I'm already second-guessing it the longer I'm writing on this, but it's already there, just have to bring myself to push the post button.... Ok, so putting on another

TRIGGER WARNING please don't read any further if you feel like not being able to handle display of violence and it's aftermaths...

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Dear guys from the park,
I don't know your names, so I can only call you those guys... I don't know if any of you remember me, remember that evening at the park, perhaps you do, perhaps you're still proud of yourself, perhaps you're ashamed of it, perhaps you're talking about it with each other, patting your shoulders 'do you remember that one evening? Do you remember this 'girl' what turned out being a boy?' I have no idea and I will never know... All I know is that I remember you, all of you, I remember your eyes, how you looked at me, this confusion and disgust, this expression of victory you had in your eyes, this frightening expression of ferocity and bloodiness... All I know is that you confused me for a girl, I don't remember your words, but as you looked down at me as you found out that I'm just a skinny guy with long hair, well, it was obvious that you've been quite upset about getting the wrong... So was beating me up an expression of your frustration? I guess it was sth like that, you wanted sth different, you wanted a cute little girl and you got a freaky girlish guy... So I understand your frustration, logically seen... And I've been beaten up before... This was different, perhaps cause there were three of you, perhaps cause I've already been on the ground, perhaps cause I saw that in your eyes, perhaps cause I actually tried to protect myself, trying to get up, trying to roll away, trying to fight back, trying to bite and scratch, trying to scream... I lost my sense of time I guess, so I have no idea how long it took the first one of you to figure out how to get what you wanted in the first place... I don't really remember how long it took you to take your turns on me, I don't remember when I gave up fighting and just let it happen... I know I scratched one of you quite badly on the arm as you wanted to push my head down... I know I bit one of you in the neck as you pinned my arms to the ground... I know I kicked around me, I know I fought, and I'm not used to fighting, so guess it wasn't that effective, just made you become more furious and brutal... So you went back to just beating me up, kicking me until I couldn't do anything else but wait til it's over... And then it was over, I nearly passed out again, but I've been awake, just couldn't move anymore, but I heard one of you say sth like "guess it's dead"... IT.... You couldn't even admit that I'm a guy... I've just been IT for you, nothing human, nothing at all, just a piece of s***....
I passed out as you've been gone, and no, I'm not dead... Perhaps afterwards you searched the newspaper for a notice of a dead body found in the park, perhaps you got startled by police cars passing you, I hope it scared the shit out of you... But no, not dead, I found my phone and called my man, oh yeah, guess what, I have a man who loves me, I know for you that's probably a disgusting notion... I don't remember him finding me, the phone call is the last thing I remember, I woke up in hospital 2 days later...
Probably you don't want to know about the effects your attack had, probably you don't care, you didn't care about killing me, so... But still telling you... Broken bones, yeah sure, zygomatic bone, clavicle, the right hand was completely shattered, ribs, the right ankle was the worst... Quite severe brain bleeding... A ruptured stomach... Had some surgeries, one was so bad I had a stroke during it... The only advantage of being paralyzed on one side was that I didn't feel the pain in my foot and my hand... 1/3 of my stomach got removed... My left kidney was ruptured and got removed... The ureters were shredded...
So what happened afterwards? First things first, you got reported, obviously didn't help, but still, who knows, they have your dna... I've been at hospital for over 3 months, I had a PEG for over a year, it took me two years to learn walking again, I wasn't able to speak properly or hold a pen for more than half a year.... And now? Well, still walking kind of funny, my right hand never really healed, same goes for the ankle, having migraines quite often, my digestion and eating is totally f*** up, it's hard to concentrate, I'm slighlty incontinent... And that's only the physical part of it...
The mentally side is another topic, I am scared of going outside, I'm scared of people, I can't go to that park anymore, running sometimes is completely impossible and that's sth what really feels like a part of myself has been taken away from me, I even nearly destroyed my love for my favourite band, cause that's what I've been listening to before the attack, for quite a long time I couldn't even have a ponytail, cause the feeling of my hair tickling my neck reminded me of it, my memory is pretty much f*** up, some words are just missing, sometimes I can't be touched at all, not even by my man, not even holding hands, you made me doubt myself, everything I've been fighting for in my life, everything I believed in, everything I ever achieved has been destroyed...
But you know what? Here it comes, I refuse to be destroyed! I'm not destroyed, perhaps damaged a bit, perhaps a bit broken, but not shattered... I don't know you, so I won't find an answer to this everlasting why, I won't get an explanation or even an apology and I don't want or need any, bad things happen even to good people, that's just life... I know that I have the ability to stand up again, perhaps it will take another 4 years or 8 or 12, but I will stand up again, you didn't destroy me, you only scratched on the surface... I refuse to be destroyed!
North